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Regret
Summary: Short oneshot. In which Gokudera angsts and blames himself for Tsuna's death. Implied 5927, one-sided 8059. First fanfic.
Word Count: 598
Gokudera-centric, originally second person.
A sharp inhale and exhale of a cigarette is the only sound that echoes in the night. The light of the lamp post he is resting on flickers on and off, but he couldn't care less if he was left shrouded in darkness without even his own shadow as his companion. It was what he deserved after all, he thought, and who cared if it wasn't the time to grieve.
The only thing he thinks about is the field of flowers stretching as if they continued for all eternity, the coffin in front of him that mockingly represented all his tears, all his failures, the gasps and sobs coming from the pitiful, unworthy creature who was nothing without Juudaime. It was my mistake, he thinks, it should be me in that coffin, not him.
His tears have long since dried away. All that is left is a burning hatred, and a rage that surpasses the devil himself. The only way he can bear is by drowning himself in a sea of blood. Every night he leaves a hurricane in another Family's midst, bodies littering the ground like flies and explosions trickling through the air like fireworks. Blood sticks to him like honey, and a bitter, metallic taste sneaks its way into his mouth.
His anger is never sated.
At night he sees Juudaime in his dreams, smiling widely and innocently as if he had never ordered a massacre before. Gokudera watches him kneel and comfort the idiot cow when Reborn ignores him for the hundredth time, and he sees Juudaime's eyes glitter when he argues with the baseball idiot at the corner of his sight. But suddenly, everything shatters and he is back at that time where Juudaime is riddled with bullets, face pale in shock, and the only thing Gokudera can do is yell Juudaime until his voice grows hoarse.
A hand shakes him awake and he sees the baseball idiot staring back at him. He hates the way the idiot's eyes look at him with sadness and pity, as if he understood what he was going through, as if he saw through him and knew all his weaknesses. His blood boils at the sight of him and he barks, "What the hell are you looking at?" The idiot stares at him with those penetrating eyes of his and Gokudera can't help but think that his eyes were too dark, too stained. (Nothing like his eyes, which were soft, gentle, innocent.) Gokudera is surprised when he is the first to look away, and his fist clenches at the weakness he showed. By the look on the baseball idiot's face, he did not expect it either.
"When are you going to stop blaming yourself," the idiot whispers, and something inside Gokudera snaps. He turns his head, hell bent on screaming and throwing a tantrum like a kid (not that he would admit it) but before he could say something the baseball idiot's lips crash down onto his and Gokudera freezes in shock.
The kiss is gentle and cautious. It reminds him of a child carefully cradling an injured animal. He sits there and lets the idiot kiss him, but he can't help but think that this is wrong, and He's not Juudaime. He is not the man he fell in love with; he is not the man who continued to shine brightly even after becoming the most feared mafia boss.
And when the baseball idiot pulls away and looks at Gokudera as if he was pleading, he could only look away and say, "I'm sorry."
The idiot in front of him only smiles bitterly. "I know."