In this universe the plane crash never happened and Mark is alive and with Lexie and Calzona is still together.
Black Cloud
Light streams through the gap in the curtains, hitting Callie in the face causing her face to twist. Groaning, she snuggles further into the bedding, shielding her face from the sun. The room is silent, apart from the ticking of her alarm clock so she realises Arizona must have been called into work.
She checks the time it's 9:18 and despite having got over ten hours of sleep, she is still exhausted; her mind clouded as if in the thick fog of the city. Closing her eyes again, she falls back into a deep slumber.
It's over two hours later when her eyes open again and Arizona still hasn't returned. A feeling of helplessness washes over her body and she just stares at the wall, her mind awash with negative emotions. Thankfully, Sofia is at Mark and Lexie's she thinks to herself, almost sighing with relief. Then she feels awful. How on earth could she feel good that her little girl, her baby wasn't with her. God, I'm such an awful mother. She'd be better off without me… They all would be…
Hours passed, or was it only minutes? She didn't know, time eluded her. All she knew was the weight of her body as if being pushed down into the mattress by an invisible force, her black cloud, as she had described to Sofia when she was younger to explain why some days she wasn't able to take her to the park or play with her. Luckily, Sofia had been nothing but understanding and on days where Callie couldn't manage, Sofia would often draw her a picture (even using her special pencils) and the three of them had formed a habit of either Arizona and Sofia cooking or getting takeaway to watch musicals as they ate to try to make Callie feel better. Though these evenings wouldn't cure Callie they did make her feel a bit better and loved.
Being unable to hold it in anymore, she drags her body out from her duvet cocoon and heads to the toilet. Looking at the clock on her way she realises she's been trapped in her own mind for an hour and a half.
Sitting on the toilet, she runs her hand through her brunette curls before looking at the shower, psyching herself up to get in and wash her hair. On days like this, even showering seems like a monumental task, so often she just doesn't, even if it often helps her to feel better.
She battles with her own mind, debating with herself over why she should take a shower for a good fifteen minutes before she starts to take off her pyjamas, a simple pale blue vest top and dark blue checked shorts before turning on the water and after what seems like a year of preparation, she gets in.
The hot water cascades down her body, and she sighs with relief. Though the relief may be short lived and it seemed like the biggest task in the world, she's glad she got in and mentally packs herself on the back. The water soothes her aching muscles and when she rubs her passion fruit scented shampoo through her thick, chocolate waves, she imagines she's scrubbing the black cloud away from her head and sending it down the drain with the water, as far away from her as possible. Washing her body has a similar visual image, removing the weights she felt pressing her down earlier and sending them down the drain with the black cloud. However, as much as she cleaned her hair and her skin, for whatever reason, the visualisation did not work and her mind remained clouded and her body remained weighted.
Not feeling better mentally, but better physically due to being clean and smelling like a tropical fruit basket, Callie carefully gets out of the shower and wraps herself up in her big fluffy towel. The towels had just been washed so they had a heavy scent of fresh laundry which sent a tingly feeling all through her body with a small, yet welcome, feeling of relaxation.
Padding back into the bedroom she sighs, securing the towel around her body to prevent it from falling off her body before rubbing her other towel through her hair until its dry enough to leave down without soaking her through.
She pulls a fresh pair of pyjama bottoms out of her drawer and slips them on before opening Arizona's drawer and finding one of her oversized t-shirts. Giving it a sniff, Callie smiles. It smells like Arizona and when she puts the t-shirt over her head, she's surrounded by Arizona's scent. It's not going to cure her, but it does make her feel better.
Still riding the slight bit of motivation that her shower had given her, Callie makes the bed. She feels silly that the most impressive things she's done today could might well end up being showering and making her bed, but she doesn't beat herself up over it. On days like today she's lucky if she gets out of bed, let alone put on a fresh pair of clothes.
Heading to the kitchen, she grabs a blanket from the chair in the corner of her room before placing it on the sofa for later. After pouring herself a cool glass of water, she drinks finds her anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication in the cupboard and take them, down in with just one gulp of water. Over the years she's gotten good at this.
Being a surgeon and working crazy hours doesn't really work with trying to regularly take medication to stop you feeling like crap of being in a constant state of anxiety but with Arizona's help, she manages as best she can to try to remember to take it regularly. If she gets called into a surgery and is still there a couple of hours after she's meant to have taken her pills, Arizona always comes in to subtly remind her to take them, whether it be asking for her to come outside, just claiming it's vitamins or just outright telling her, though each case is different and Arizona has gotten good at being able to judge which ruse she should use. On the rare occasion that Arizona can't remind Callie, Mark takes over and looks out for his best friend.
Looking at the bread and cereal on the counter, Callie's stomach churns. Eating is the last thing she wants to do right now so, knowing it'll upset Arizona a little, she foregoes breakfast, or would it be lunch now and goes to sit down on the sofa, pulling the blanket up over her body as if shielding herself from the world before popping the television on to some nature documentary.
Not really paying attention to the show, just appreciating the background noise of the narrator's calming voice, Callie once again becomes a victim of her thoughts. Thoughts of helplessness, weakness and pain storm her mind, swirling round like a hurricane. A single tear drops down her face, which she hastily wipes away before taking a deep breath and starting to do one of her grounding exercises she'd learnt during therapy, counting everything of a colour that she could see. The first time she did the exercise she'd felt beyond silly, but it was a technique that helped her centre herself, so she did it anyways, even if she still felt a bit silly doing it.
Red… Pen pot… Sofia's dolly… Book… Cushion… Sofa… Painting… Flowers…
With each item, her breathing slows down and her mind becomes less of the raging storm and more like a dark rain cloud. With her mind a bit clearer, Callie starts to pay attention to the television, determined to keep the negative thoughts at bay as Arizona would be home soon and she felt Arizona didn't deserve to deal with her feeling so bad after a day at work.
The next thing Callie knows is Arizona cheerily entering the apartment "Honey, I'm home!" She jokes, chuckling to herself. Spotting her wife sat on the sofa under the blanket she instantly recognises that she must have been having a bad day and walks over to her "Hey" she smiles, putting her arm on Callie's shoulder lightly, causing Callie to jump slightly.
"Hey" she responds weakly, smiling back at her wife.
"Bad day?" the blonde asks, sitting next to Callie on the sofa, wrapping her arm around her and pulling the brunette into a loving embrace before giving her a light kiss on her lips.
"Yeah… But it doesn't matter. How was your day?" Callie says into the crook of her wife's neck as she snuggles into the blonde's warm, comforting embrace.
Running her hand up and down Callie's arms in a soothing manner, deciding not to push Callie to talk about her feelings right away "I'm sorry I didn't get to say goodbye this morning, I got paged for an emergency surgery on one of my kids, but I managed to get there in time and save them. Then I had another emergency from a kid who needed an emergency appendectomy and another needed heart surgery, so I had to work with Teddy which was nice. A lot for what was meant to be a day off!" she chuckles slightly. "And now I'm home and looking forward to spending the rest of the day with my beautiful and amazing wife and completely adorable and wonderful daughter when she comes back to us this evening" She kisses Callie again, this time on the top of her head. "So, how was your day Calliope?"
"I don't want to burden you with my troubles" She murmurs, Arizona almost unable to understand her words.
Taking her arm away from Callie and shuffling around to face her wife, Arizona takes Callie's face in her hands and looks her dead in the eyes "You, my beautiful Calliope, are never been a burden and never will be one do you hear me? If you don't want to talk then that's more than fine, but don't shut me out ok? You know that I am always here for you, no matter what" Releasing Callie's face from her hands, she places a sweet kiss on Callie's nose, causing her to giggle slightly. "So, do you want to talk?"
"I just had a bad day, the worst one I've had in a while. There's no reason for it; it just snuck up on me and consumed me." She pauses, putting her face down to obstruct Arizona's view of her face with her hair "All I've managed to do today is shower, change and make the bed… I feel so useless…"
"And that's totally fine. If that's all you could do then that's all you can do. You have nothing to feel bad about and you're most certainly not useless. Sometimes we have bad days and there's nothing wrong with that." She pauses, tucking Callie's hair behind her ears "Now, how about I run you a nice warm bath and light some candles and if you want, I can join you. How does that sound?"
"That sounds nice. Will you hold me?" Callie quietly responds, taking one of Arizona's pale hands into hers.
"Of course I can. And after our bath, I'll go collect little miss Sofia from Mark and Lexie's and we'll go and get Chinese and then we can watch some films. Does that sound ok?"
"That sounds more than ok. It sounds perfect" Callie smiles properly for the first time that day. Both of their lips meet, both unsure of who leaned forward forwards first but both willingly accepting the kiss.
"I'll go run that bath" Arizona says, pulling her lips away from her wife's and heading off to the bathroom.
Bath run, the bathroom smelling of lavender due to a scented bath bomb and scented candles; Callie's favourite scent to relax and clear her mind. Soft Latin music fills the room, another favourite of Callie's. Her wife had really pulled all the stops out for this bath. Arizona sits in the bath and Callie climbs in to lean against her. Wrapped in Arizona's arms, a sense of calm washes over Callie as she sinks into the warm water.
"I love you Calliope" Arizona whispers into her wife's ear, sending a shiver down her spine.
"I love you too Arizona. So so so much" Callie whispers back.
Neither of them say another word, content in the sound of music filling their ears and the skin to skin. Callie's mind calmer and clearer than it had been all day.
When the water grows cold, Arizona breaks their silence "We should probably get out… I'm starting to shiver"
"But you're so comfy" Callie says in mock protest "But I'll get out."
Once out of the bath, wrapped up once again in her towel, Callie places a kiss on Arizona's cheek "Thank you. I really need that."
"That's more than ok, Calliope. You know I'll do whatever I can to make you feel better. Now, how about I get changed and go collect our daughter and our dinner? And whilst I'm out, how about you pop on a face mask. I bought some new ones last week, for when you have a bad day, that I think you'd like."
"I don't deserve you…" Callie says in a low voice, almost so quiet that Arizona almost missed it.
"You deserve the world Calliope, and don't go believing anything different. You, Calliope" She taps her wife's nose "Are a wonderful human being and no one can tell me otherwise. If anything, it's me who doesn't deserve you."
Callie doesn't say anything, stunned at Arizona's words. She knows Arizona loves her but when she says things like this, it makes her heart swell with love.
Giving Callie one last kiss before heading out, Arizona gives Callie a tight hug. Once alone, Callie applies the special face mask Arizona got her and sits on her bed, listening to her audio book. Though she still feels the weight on her body, all of her movements as if she was moving through treacle. The black cloud still present in her mind, though less intense than this morning, making it clearer to think.
Face mask washed off, her skin feeling as soft as velvet and feeling more refreshed, Callie leaves her bedroom and is greeted by her wife and daughter entering the apartment.
"Mama!" Sofia cries with joy at seeing her brunette mother, running towards her before embracing her in a hug.
"Well hello there little goose" Callie picks up Sofia and gives her a big kiss on her cheek. "How was your time with Daddy and Lexie?"
"It was so much fun. I made pizza!"
"Pizza? Wow, that is exciting."
"Sofia, come and give me a hand please" Arizona calls, setting up the television to play Mamma Mia.
Sofia runs to the kitchen and collects plates and chopsticks and the three of them sit on the sofa, Callie in the middle.
"Mama?" Sofia asks, turning around to face Callie, still piling noodles onto her plate "Did the black cloud visit today"
The innocence in her voice causes a tear to fall from Callie's cocoa eyes "Yes mija" She says, hanging her head in almost in shame. She hates Sofia seeing her on her bad days, worried that her daughter would see her as weak and a bad mother.
"Don't cry mama" Sofia says, wrapping her arms around her brunette mother, her noodles on the table; forgotten. Wiping the tears from Callie's eyes, Sofia kisses her mother on the head and with her lips against Callie's forehead she starts to talk. "Now listen to me Mr Cloud. You leave my mama alone. I know she's amazing and the best mama in the world, but she doesn't want you here. I don't want you here. Mommy doesn't want you here. Go away and don't bother anyone else. No one makes my mama sad and gets away with it. Now go; leave us alone so we can be happy!"
"Oh mija" Callie says, the tears now falling freely down her face. "I love you so much, you know that right?"
"Of course mama. You're the best mama in the world." Arizona coughs at this, making Sofia giggle "And you're the best mommy, mommy. You can't be the best mama because you're mommy!"
"Ok then little miss, nice save" Arizona kisses her daughter and ruffles her hair before heading towards the kitchen to give Callie and Sofia space to talk.
"Unfortunately Sof, as much as I want for you to be able to completely send the black cloud packing" she pulls Sofia closer into their hug, kissing her soft brunette curls. "But getting rid of the black cloud is so much harder than that. Mama has lots of good days where the black cloud isn't there, but then some days, like today; it comes to visit and there's not a lot I can do. And that's ok. Because I know you and Mommy will always be here for me and that's all that matters."
"I'll always be there for you, mama. I love you so much. I know what will make you better… EATING CHINESE!"
"Wow, you're right" Callie says, tickling Sofia under her arms, causing her to laugh and squirm in her mama's arms.
"Stop mama!" she laughs, limbs flailing all over the place, trying to tickle the bigger brunette back.
Watching from the kitchen, Arizona smiles; her heart swelling at the sight of her wife and her daughter having fun. Seeing a smile on Callie's face after know she's had such a bad day is the best thing that could have possible happened.
"If you two can stop tickling each other, I'd like to eat my food before it gets cold" Arizona interrupts the two giggling brunettes before picking up her food and sitting down next to Callie, passing her a plate of noodles, chicken and vegetables for which she receives a kiss on the cheek as a thank you.
Sofia climbs up next to Callie and Arizona starts the film.
Half way through the film and Sofia is already asleep with her head on Callie's lap. One hand stroking Sofia's hair and the other hand in Arizona's. With Arizona snuggled up to her on the other side, Callie feels the dark cloud clear just a bit more. I'm so lucky… she thinks to herself, a small smile forming on her face. Squeezing Arizona's hand, she kisses the top of her head before turning her attention back to the musical on the screen, letting the music transport her to another place. Knowing that her family would be by her side, whatever happens, no matter how she feels makes her feel like the luckiest woman in the world. She knows that she will have their support. No matter what. And thinking about it, that's all that matters. Bring it on black cloud, she thinks. Now matter what you throw at me, I know I can beat you with my family by my side. With them, I can do anything.
Thoughts?