Disclaimer: I don't own them. I just like to borrow them so I can play with them every once in a while.
A/N: Just want to send a special thanks to Ethereal Muse for the great Beta reading job she did! All mistakes are mine and mine alone.
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Kate stood in front of the wall of windows at Rick's loft looking out at the evening sky, staring as the orange and pink of the setting sun bled into the violet hues of the approaching night. Absently she fingered the chain around her neck and took a deep breath, trying to will the tension she felt to a manageable level. Castle and Alexis had arrived hours ago, and even though she'd seen with her own eyes that they were relatively unharmed the worry and frustration she'd carried with her the past several days had not dissipated. Her head knew they were okay, but it was as if her heart refused to believe it.
She heard Rick making his way down the stairs and her thoughts drifted back to their greeting this morning; how much she had needed the kiss, the hug, and her hands on his face. It had continued throughout the day, that need to touch him. Just little ways of connecting. A hand sweeping across a shoulder, a quick clutch of fingers, a mere second of hip brushing hip. Continued reassurance that he, that they, were here and okay. She was pulled from her reverie by the feel of his arms wrapping around her waist, his fingers splaying across her tummy.
"She settled?"
"Yeah," he confirmed. "Sorry it took so long… I just had to stay… watch her sleep for a while."
"I know," she said, and the tone of her voice convinced him that she did indeed understand.
She sank back against him, letting herself be enfolded in his embrace; loving the feel of his strong arms around her, his solid chest at her back. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple and the care and tenderness in the simple gesture was her undoing. The control she'd struggled to maintain for days now finally shattered, and emotions, untamed and relentless, pitched and rolled, erupting before she could push them back down.
Holding her, Rick could actually feel her breaking apart. He felt her entire body convulse as a sob caught in her throat, felt the tremors that overtook her. He turned her to face him and saw the tears she couldn't hold back. He leaned in so that his forehead touched hers, his hands resting on her shoulders. "I'm sorry Kate. So very sorry."
She slipped her arms under his, wrapped them around his back and pulled him in close. She buried her face in the crook of his neck and let the tears fall. Rick was no stranger to crying women. He had not been raised by an overly dramatic mother and fathered a teenage daughter without witnessing his share of crying jags. He'd learned there could be a myriad of reasons for the tears and that it was usually best to keep quiet and let them find their way through it. So he simply held her, running his hand down the fall of her hair and over her back. It took a few minutes for him to realize that he was rocking, just the tiniest of motions. It was a movement, he realized, that had, as a father, become instinctive to him. And even though it seemed a bit weird, Kate was not protesting, so he continued until she gradually began to settle.
"I was so scared Rick," she said finally, her voice somewhat muffled by his neck and leftover tears. "So scared. And so damned frustrated. I didn't know what to do to help. Nothing I did seemed to help. Dead end after dead end and all I could think about was you and Alexis. And I didn't know what was going on. I was afraid you were going to get yourself killed, or you'd find Alexis and she would be…" Kate couldn't bear to even voice the thought. "…and that you'd be there all alone. And there was just nothing I could do."
"I'm sorry Kate."
"Why did you do that? How could you do that?" Kate asked pulling herself out of his arms and looking him in the eyes, a flash of anger surfacing.
"I had to go Kate! That was my daughter," Rick said, his own anger emerging. "I was spinning my wheels here and the FBI was talking about waiting for days for clearance. I didn't know if Alexis had days. I didn't know if she had any time. For all…"
"No!" Kate interrupted, frustrated because Castle didn't understand why she was angry. "Rick, I know why you had to go. What I don't get is why you went off without telling anyone. Without telling your mother. Without telling me."
"Kate, I wasn't really making great decisions at the time, but…" Rick stopped himself. He really didn't want to have this out standing up in the middle of the apartment. "Look we're both dead on our feet. Why don't I fix us some coffee and we can at least discuss this sitting down?"
Kate took a good look at Rick and was immediately flooded with guilt. She could see the exhaustion etched on his face, the remnants of worry that lingered in his eyes. She couldn't do this, she thought, not now, not when he looked as if one more complication would break him. "No, Rick, I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I really am sorry. You don't need this right now. You've been through hell this past week. You're right. We're both tired. I should just go, let you get some rest. Get some sleep myself. We can talk about it later." She started to step past him but he prevented it by reaching out and laying his hands on her shoulders.
"Kate, please? Stay?" Rick said, running his hand down her arm in a soothing caress. "Yes, it's been a rough week, not just for me but for all of us." He took a deep breath. "Look Kate, I know you. And I know me. If we walk away from this now we'll never talk about it. Not really. Oh, we'll mention it, pretend we're having a discussion, but we'll have already justified every word, every action, regardless of whether we're being truthful with ourselves or not. We'll silently excuse each other and not really face what we felt. I know it's difficult for you. It's hard for me too, but if we keep avoiding these discussions we'll never grow beyond this. We'll keep making the same mistakes again and again." As he stood there looking into her hazel eyes, a part of him felt like an ogre for pressuring her like this. When she was Beckett, in heels and a leather jacket, with her gun and badge, she was larger than life. But as Kate? Here? Now? Standing in her sock feet with her hair disheveled, and her face stained with drying tears she looked small and defenseless. He hated to push, but he knew he was right. "Please?"
Everything he said was true; Kate knew it was. If they were going to become closer, not just stuck in some lover's limbo, they had to start having the big discussions. The ones that really mattered. And beyond that, she wasn't sure she could actually bring herself to leave him tonight. After the past few nights alone she needed to go to sleep snuggled in his arms. Wake up with him beside her.
Kate acquiesced with a small nod. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure." Rick said draping an arm around her shoulders and guiding her towards the kitchen. "Did Mother go up?" He asked as he started the coffee, eager to lighten the conversation if only for a few moments.
"Yeah," Kate confirmed as she pulled mugs out of the cabinet. "I'm sure she was exhausted. She hasn't gotten a lot of sleep in the last few days."
"I take, that since you know this, you haven't gotten much either?"
"We've been…keeping each other company when I wasn't at the station."
"You stayed here?"
"Yeah, that was okay right?" Kate asked, suddenly unsure. Since they'd become a couple she'd always stayed at her place when Rick was out of town or had an obligation that kept him out especially late. Although she felt like the loft was home when Rick was in residence, when he wasn't she felt somewhat intrusive. Martha always made her feel perfectly welcome, it was just that when Rick was away she felt the older woman deserved a measure of privacy. But this time it had been different. She'd known that the last thing Martha needed was to be alone with her thoughts and fears. And if she were perfectly honest with herself it was the last thing she'd needed as well. There hadn't been any questions or conversations about the matter. It had seemed more of a foregone conclusion on both of their parts that the loft was the only place for Kate to be.
"No, actually that's great. I'm glad the two of you were together." Rick said with a smile as he filled the mugs and handed one to Kate.
They both grew quiet as they made their way to the sofa, each contemplating the conversation to come. Kate tucked one leg under her as she settled into a corner, turning to face Rick as he sat down beside her. Rick looked down at his coffee for a moment; sometimes it was easier to think when he wasn't staring into the hazel depths of Kate's eyes. "I'm sorry Kate, really. As I said earlier I wasn't making the best decisions at the time. And I know you're angry, you have every right to be."
"Rick," Kate interjected, "Yeah, okay, I was angry. But that was because…mostly I was hurt. Hurt that you didn't trust me enough to at least tell me what you planned to do."
Rick sighed. "There wasn't really a plan. I just couldn't, not go, you know. In retrospect it was idiotic but it seemed like the only thing I could do at the time. Kate, you've got to understand. Alexis, she's been my responsibility for eighteen years. And it's pretty much been me. You know Meredith. I wouldn't trust her with a pet roach. Not that she's a bad person and not that she means any harm but there's just not a responsible bone in her body. I learned early on that if Alexis was going to be fed, or diapered, or put down for a nap I was going to have to be the one to do it. And God knows, I didn't mind. I loved every minute of it. To look into those huge trusting blue eyes and feel that little hand fist around my finger? The love just fills you up until you think your body isn't enough to hold it all. I treasured every experience, even when she threw up on my best shirt, or flushed her favorite blanket down the toilet, or woke me up at three in the morning to ask me why it was so quiet at night. It was all special because she was my little girl. That protectiveness caused problems with Gina and I. She said I built a wall around Alexis, that I wouldn't let her in. And maybe I did…maybe I do," he admitted quietly looking right into her eyes. "I don't mean to, it's just so instinctive after all this time."
"But Rick, you've talked to me about Alexis for years now. You even asked me to watch out for her if something were to happen to you. I know you're protective but for a long time now I've felt like you were letting me be a small part of the relationship the two of you share. It wasn't like I expected any more than that. I mean, Alexis was almost an adult when you and I met. I never expected to be a mother figure in her life, in either her eyes or yours. At most I hope she and I are friends and that I am a sounding board for you. So, when you shut me out completely… I don't know Rick. I thought those talks, your request, meant something but maybe it didn't signify what I thought it did." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Oh, Kate, no!" Rick exclaimed and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly for a moment or two then continuing to hold it as he settled back against the cushions. "You can't know how much having you to talk to mattered. When Alexis was little everything was so easy. She wanted to be with me, I was the center of her life. By the time you and I started working together she'd gotten to the point where she wanted to spread her wings a bit, wanted to venture out and make her own decisions. It scared me to death. I don't know how many times you've stopped me from doing something stupid, of being over the top protective. Looking back I probably would have damaged the relationship Alexis and I have always had if you hadn't been there to talk me down, telling me to give her a little space, a little time. It's just that in that moment I didn't think about you or Mother or anything other than getting to Alexis. I know that probably hurts and I am sorry. But Kate, I can't promise that it won't happen again, not if concerns Alexis."
Kate started to speak but Rick interrupted her before she could get out the first word. "But that was in the first moment, by the time I got here, was getting my passport, you were on my mind."
"And you didn't trust me enough to talk to me."
"I was scared Kate. I was afraid you'd try to talk me out of going."
"Of course I would have, but then I would have let you go, and maybe suggested that we go together if you wanted me there."
"But what if it didn't get that far? What if I'd let you talk me out of going? What if I'd stayed here and Alexis had been killed? How would I have forgiven myself Kate? How would I have been able to forgive you? There are people who have been married for decades whose marriage can't stand up under that kind of stress. I couldn't put our relationship to that test. And what if it had gotten that far? What were you going to tell Gates? 'Sorry sir. I can't work this case right now because I have to hop a jet with my boyfriend and go behind the FBI's back to try to track down his daughter in a place where I have no jurisdiction.' I'm sure that would have looked great in your personnel folder."
Kate couldn't quite suppress a grin as she pictured saying exactly that to Captain Gates and the repercussions it would have resulted in. "Yeah, it probably wouldn't have worked very well if I'd worded it like that. But Rick," she said seriously, "everyone was behind you. Me, Javier, Kevin, Lanie, even Captain Gates. She told me from the very beginning to do whatever I had to do to help you get Alexis back, and she's had more than enough experience with the two of us to know it might not have necessarily been by the book. In fact, I got the distinct impression that she was saying she would cover my ass the best she could if I did get caught doing something that wasn't necessarily procedure. So I think she would have just ignored my absence. But you didn't know that and so I can see how you might think it would be detrimental to my working relationship with Gates and to my career. I understand where you are coming from Rick; everything you say makes sense from your perspective. But can you understand it from mine? I felt totally shut out. It probably would have been different if I'd felt like what I was doing here was helping to advance the case, but I didn't, because I was finding nothing, no leads, no clues, not even a decent theory to check out. The most important case I've ever worked and I could do absolutely nothing." Kate said as her eyes filled once more.
"The most important case you've ever worked?" Rick echoed, somewhat stunned.
"Rick, it was you! It was Alexis. And as far as I knew you were both still alive."
"But…"
"I know. And before this… Yes, that's important too. I'm not trying to denigrate it. It was my life for years; in a lot of ways it formed the woman I am today. And it's still important in a way, but it is all but over. I know who fired the shot; I know who called the kill, now it's just a waiting game. I'm just waiting for him to make a mistake, one big enough to mean something. It might take five years; it may take ten, but one day I'll see that justice is done. But you and Alexis, well you guys are family now, part of my family, and I felt so powerless to do anything."
"Kate you did help. Just knowing you had my back here, that if there was anything to find that you'd find it; that you were here for me to come home to, that allowed me to do what I had to do." Rick looked down at their hands for a moment and then back at Kate. "But I should have asked you to go. You would have been able to see it, to catch on that something wasn't right before it was too late."
"To see what?"
"To see the trap Kate. I was stupid, arrogant. I trusted the wrong person, even though I'd been warned, and I almost got myself taken, or killed. I'm still not quite sure what they had in mind."
"Oh God." Kate whispered as much to herself as to Rick.
"If it hadn't been for my father I'm not sure I'd be here now. I haven't told Mother and I don't plan to. Even Alexis doesn't know this part, only the agents who debriefed me, my father, and now you. And I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, it's embarrassing to admit how ineffective I was, and I don't want to scare you, but I can't keep it from you either."
Kate closed her eyes momentarily, countless images running through her mind. Images of Rick's death, stark and indelible. "I could have lost you." She murmured. That very fear had filled her mind during his absence, but it had been an indistinct fear, shadowy and ambiguous. To have that fear confirmed, to give it shape and substance, suddenly made it real. And that reality shook her to her very core.
Rick pulled his hand from hers and instead put his arm around her shoulder, drew her in close until she softened against his side, "I made it back Kate. We got lucky, but we're here and we're okay."
"I know I have no right to say this considering what I do every day." She turned to look up at him and then decided to start at the beginning. "Rick, when we first met, on that first case, I knew there was something between us, an attraction, a bond, something. At least there was for me. But I resisted it. I had to. I think there was a part of me that realized, even then, that if I let myself fall for you, and then lost you, it could destroy me. I didn't believe we could make it work long term; maybe not even short term. You seemed, well to be truthful, shallow and egotistical. I was sure you'd get bored, move on, and I would be decimated. But as we worked together I began to see the man behind that playboy persona you fronted and I liked him. I liked him a lot. And then somewhere along the way we became friends, then close friends, and before I knew it I had fallen. Even though I hadn't wanted to, even though I hadn't recognized it happening, but still I resisted. You made me feel too much. It hurt.
"You were right, you know. When you accused me of hiding in relationships that couldn't go anywhere? I'm not sure I realized it at the time, but you were right. I did it with Tom and with Josh. They are both great guys but I didn't feel for them what I felt for you. I cared for them but I knew what I felt wasn't strong enough to hurt me; and I was trying so hard to protect my heart. It wasn't fair to them, and it wasn't fair to me. And it especially wasn't fair to you. I wasn't trying to hurt you Rick. I know I did and I am so sorry for that, but I was just so scared. Then the night of the storm, I'd been constantly pushing you away and closing you out, and finally you were done. I had lost you. I had caused exactly what I was trying to avoid. And to make matters worse I didn't even have anything of us to hold on to, because there'd never even been an us. I decided then that if I was going to have the heartache that came after, I also wanted the joy that went before. "
"Kate, you weren't going to lose me then, and you're not going to lose me now. I'm here to stay."
"Rick, you can't promise me that. No one can promise that to another person. There's just no way to know. You or I, either one of us could be dead tomorrow. I know. You're not always given another day, another hour. And I know how much it hurts when that happens. I still get scared sometimes. It seems to happen less and less as we grow closer, but it still happens. Maybe it always will to an extent. I think it is because I've lost so many people. My Mom…" Kate couldn't quite bring herself to go on.
"And Captain Montgomery." Rick added.
"And my Dad, and Mike, and Will, and then Mike again."
"Your Dad?"
"Yeah. He crawled inside of a bottle Rick. He left. The guy you know today? I love him, I really do. And I'm so proud of him, but he's not the same guy he was years ago. When my Mom died a part of him died along with her. You should have seen them Rick, they were so much in love. Even when I was a teenager they still acted like honeymooners half the time, it used to embarrass me to no end. I'd walk into the kitchen or the family room and they would be kissing, all wrapped around each other and I would grouse at them. I look back now though, and I'm glad they had that. I'm sorry they didn't have a chance to grow old together but at least they had that."
Rick smiled down at her. "It sounds nice."
"It was." She paused for a minute, remembering, and then continued in another vein. "Remember asking me if I was in love with Mike the first time the two of you met?"
"Yeah."
"Well, we were never an item or anything like that but…"
"But what?"
"Well, I did have a crush on him. Just a little. Or maybe more than little. And I did love him. My Dad was in a place at that point where I couldn't reach him and Mike was there to guide me, give me advice. I guess I kind of needed that at the time. He was kind of a substitute father at times."
"You had a crush on a guy who you also saw as a father figure?" Rick questioned with a mischievous smile.
Kate grinned and lightly backhanded Rick in the stomach. "Stop making it sound so twisted," she ordered.
"Hey, you're the one telling the story sweetheart, not me." Rick reminded with a smirk.
"It wasn't like that." Kate said continuing to grin. But then the grin faltered and morphed into a frown. "Maybe it was. Eeewwww!" She said with a look that fell somewhere between a grimace and a grin. "That was seriously screwed up wasn't it?"
Rick laughed and pulled her in close, loving the feel of her in his arms. "There's a term for it you know."
"Don't even go there," she warned shaking her head.
"It's called," Rick leaned over to whisper in her ear, "hero worship, Kate."
Kate looked up at him, no longer laughing, the love shining in her eyes. "I like that. And, you know what? I think you're right. I remember being so in awe of him, so mesmerized by everything he said."
"Javi told me he left after he put in his twenty." Rick confided.
"Yeah." Kate threaded her fingers though her hair, pushing the brown waves off of her face and back as she stared into the distance. "I did my entire two years of probation with Mike. Uniform, you know? You have to do at least two years. By the end of the first year Montgomery had already discovered me downstairs in the cold cases. We'd talked. He knew I wanted homicide and he said he wanted me on his team when the time came. Then just after my two years were up there was an opening in Vice and he told me to apply for it. You have to do at least eighteen months in another investigative unit before they'll even think about putting you in homicide; most of the time it is much longer, but never any shorter. Roy thought I had a good shot at Vice even though I only had a couple of years under my belt because they always needed females. And he was right, I got in first try. I was a good cop but I think Roy probably smoothed the way a bit because a lot of guys sit out there for four or five years before they make it into a unit, if they ever do. Then about a month after I'd moved over to Vice Mike finished out his twenty. Asked me to meet him for a beer a couple of days after and told me he was retiring. Two weeks later he was gone. We kept in touch, a few phone calls here, some e-mails there, but it wasn't the same. We'd been friends then he just disappeared from my life. It kind of hurt. I felt a little lost without him.
"There could have been any number of reasons he backed off Kate. He might have felt like he'd hold you back. He could have been a little jealous, that's a heck of timeline to detective. Maybe retirement was difficult for him and it was easier if he wasn't around people who were still in the game." He might have been just a little in love with you too; Rick thought, but wisely kept that observation to himself.
"I guess. Now there's no way to know."
"So you moved on to Will." Rick said lightly as he smiled, once again trying to lighten the mood.
"You make it sound like I started dating him the next day." Kate replied with a laugh.
"So how long was it?"
"It was a couple of years. I was with Montgomery's team by then. I had been in Vice for eighteen months and one day exactly, when one of Roy's men decided to retire. I later heard that he'd wanted to retire six months earlier, but Roy had talked him in to staying until he could pull me from Vice. Of course Roy had to make a deal. Detective Marlowe said he wasn't going to go home in a body bag instead of retiring, so Roy had him assigned to desk duty for six months and took up the slack himself."
"That's quite a compliment to you."
"Yeah. He was a good man Rick. Whatever he may have done wrong, he was still a good man. One of the best."
"I know, Kate. I know. He loved you, you know that right?"
"Yeah. I loved him too. I still miss him. Every day I walk into the 12th. It's not like I expect to see him like I did at first but… He's there somehow but at the same time he's not. I'm putting it badly, but I don't know how else to describe it."
"No, you're not putting it badly at all. " Rick said and let the quiet settle around them for a moment or two before adding, "But I think we've strayed from the original question."
"Caught that did you?" Kate grinned.
"Yeah, I'm not a rookie when it comes to evasion, Beckett. So spill." Rick grinned, but he wasn't as nonchalant as he pretended. It was rare that Kate talked this much about herself and her past, and he wasn't sure how much longer she'd be willing to continue. And the truth be known, he really wanted to know about her relationship with Will. She'd admitted to hiding behind her relationship with Demming and Josh but that had been obvious to him. However, there had seemed to be real affection between her and Will.
Kate stared at her finger as it traced the inseam of Rick's jeans where it ran along the inside of his knee. "I was in love with him; at least as close as I'd ever gotten. You said he was like me, but he really wasn't. I know at work he seems like a real straight arrow, but outside of work, he was actually a lot of fun.
"We met on that kidnapping case, like I told you. One child had already been abducted and killed. Then Matt was taken. We worked day and night; following a lead here and there but none of them panned out. Then we started getting some information on a possible vehicle. A van had been spotted close to both of the schools several days before each abduction. We got a description, then a partial plate. We were able to get a make and model from the fibers found on the first body. There was a lot of paperwork to dig through, but we were getting there. We were so close. And then we found Matt's body. Tossed, like a piece of trash, into a dirty alley. He was practically frozen. That's what kept going through my head, seeing him there, just wanting to wrap him up in a blanket but knowing there was no need. It probably got to me because he was left so much like my Mom." Kate paused and Rick patiently waited, giving her time to work through her feelings. "We caught the guy two days later, before he abducted another kid," she continued, her voice rough with unshed tears. "But Matt was still dead. I knew we'd saved other lives, but the loss of that one, it devastated me. It was the first time I'd worked a case involving a child. I hated it then, and I hate them now; every single one." Again she paused, "Anyway, Will had been through it before, more than once. He'd learned how to deal with it as well as anyone can, and he tried to help me. He tried to get me to talk to him about it; thought that would help me. But you know how good I am at that."
Rick gave a little nod of his head indicating that he definitely knew how difficult it could be to get Kate to open up. She'd really been working on it this past year, but before that it was sometimes impossible. There had been moments of course, but usually they'd only come when she was particularly vulnerable; and even then it seemed more like the words escaped when her defenses were down rather than her actually granting them freedom.
"Anyway, he decided that since he couldn't get me to talk he would try to distract me, get my mind off of the case, so he took me to Caroline's."
"Caroline's? The comedy club?" Rick questioned, finding it difficult to picture the buttoned up FBI agent in a casual setting such as Caroline's.
"Yeah, he doesn't always wear a suit and tie Rick," smiled Kate, knowing Castle well enough to give a good guess as to what he was thinking. "Anyway, it went well and we enjoyed each other so …"
"Six months?"
"Yeah."
"Do you mind me asking what happened?" Rick asked somewhat hesitantly. He knew it really wasn't his business but still he wondered.
"The job. Will's job. He was offered a promotion, but in order to take it he had to go to Boston. He chose Boston."
"Just like that?"
"No." Kate sighed. "He asked me to go but… I would have had to leave my job Rick. And if it had been just the one move I might have considered it. But Will wanted to move up the ladder. It was going to be a year in Boston, maybe two in Virginia perhaps, then maybe a couple back here in New York, then on to Washington or somewhere. I'd have just been tagging along behind him, possibly getting a uniform position if one was available, possibly not. I couldn't live like that. I mean, at that time my job was my life, my lifeline. It's not my life any more, but it's still a big part of who I am."
"Well, that's one thing you won't have to worry about as long as we're together," Rick commented as his finger traced an up and down pattern along Kate's upper arm.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I can work anywhere. I'll have to do signings and interviews of course, but we've already learned to deal with that to an extent."
"True."
They melted into one another and an easy quiet blanketed them. Kate knew that they should head to bed. Even though it wasn't late they were both tired and emotionally spent, but she was hesitant to leave his arms even for the short time it would take to get to bed. In the end she decided to delay just a bit longer.
"So, a spy huh?" she said with a grin. Even though she wasn't looking at him she was sure he could hear the humor in her voice. She was expecting him to respond in kind, along with the little boy exuberance he often exhibited when excited; so it surprised her when his leg muscle tensed beneath her fingers and the silence between them became somewhat strained. She turned to look at him then. "Rick?"
"Yeah?"
"I thought you'd be excited. Think it was 'awesome'."
"It is."
"But…?"
Rick hesitated, but his need to talk about the ordeal was too strong to resist. "At first I thought it was cool. Well, no, at first I was scared to death. I thought he was one of them. It all happened kind of fast and it took me a minute or two to take it in. But after I found out who he was and that he was going to help, yeah, I did think it was awesome. I'd given a lot of thought to the possibility of him being a spy, ever since Sophia mentioned it. Finally something made sense. But as you'd said, Sophia had lied about so much, to think that would be the one thing she said that was true seemed crazy. So even though I thought about it, fantasized about it even, I didn't give it much credence. Then there he was, telling me he was my father and that he was a spy. It was unbelievable. Then to find out that all this time he'd been keeping up with me, Alexis, Mother, even you. That was just incredible. After that we were so caught up in making plans to get Alexis, checking in with you and mother, and breaking Alexis out, I was just taking everything minute by minute. It wasn't until Alexis and I were safely at the embassy that I had a chance to take it all in. And you know what hit me?"
"What?"
"That he was the one that put us in danger! I mean sure, he saved me, and basically got Alexis out, but we wouldn't have needed him to do that if he hadn't gotten us into that situation to begin with. You know what he said?" Rick asked, and Kate could see the anger and frustration in the set of his jaw, in the distended tendon in his neck. "He said he 'got careless'. He got careless." Rick mimicked with sarcasm. "It would have been one thing if his carelessness had just affected me, but he put Alexis in danger. I'm not sure I can forgive that Kate. I'm not sure I want to even try." Rick was quiet for a moment and Kate squeezed his knee to let him know she was understood how he felt. Then he spoke up again and the anger in his voice had been replaced with confusion. "A part of me is so angry, and yet another part that feels like I should be grateful to him. And still a whole other side of me would still like the chance to get to know him. I mean he is my father."
"Rick it's ok to be angry with your Dad; and grateful, and still want to get to know who he is. I'm sure it's confusing, but that doesn't mean it's wrong."
Rick listened and gave a small nod, but then eyes landed on the blackened television screen and he gazed into its depths as if it held the answers he was looking for. Kate could tell he was thinking so she gave him time, tracing a pattern on his jean covered thigh. It wasn't a sensual gesture, but rather a way to silently remind him she was there if he needed her. When he did start to speak his voice was distant as if he needed put some space between himself and what he was going to say. "Once the adrenalin had worn off and I really had time to give some thought to the danger he'd put Alexis in I wanted to hunt him down and…hurt him. This case Kate…the things I've done. What I did to that guy in the interrogation room. I've always thought I'd do whatever it took to protect Alexis but…you never even consider things like this. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore."
"Rick," Kate said, grabbing his hand and smoothing a finger over his knuckles, "you're the same man you've always been. You may have discovered a couple of new facets of your personality, but they don't change who you are."
"Doesn't it? What my father must be capable of, to do the job he does. Was I born with that in me? The triple killer once asked me, you once asked me, why I was so fascinated with murder. What if somewhere inside me…."
"No Rick. I don't believe that. You did what you had to do in order to find Alexis, in order to get her back. Anyone with children, anyone with loved ones would understand what you did"
"Kate, there's a darkness in me I didn't know was there. It scares me."
"Rick, we all have a darkness inside. Some people never have a reason to see that side of themselves. Others of us see it so often that we become quite intimate with it. And you're right, it is scary. But I know you Rick. I know the man you are. You aren't capable of murder. Of killing someone to defend Alexis, someone you love? Yeah, maybe. But that's different from murdering someone. To me? It just shows me how strong your love is."
"Do you really believe that?"
"I don't just believe it Rick, I know it." She said with total confidence.
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because of all the things we have been through together. You might protect but you don't just…hurt people Rick."
"I hurt you."
"We hurt each other Rick. We didn't mean to. We just…. It took us a while to get it right."
"But you didn't promise me anything Kate. I made a promise to you and I didn't keep it. It was my fault. And I'm so sorry but, it was all my fault."
Confused, Kate looked up at him. "What are you talking about?
"What happened the night of the storm. The night you came back to me. Everything that happened is my fault Kate. You told me to let it go. From the very first moment you told me to let it go. But I didn't. I had to see what I could find out, even though you didn't want to pursue it any longer. Then I told you we'd do it together. I told you I'd be with you; that you didn't have to find your mothers killer on your own. But that night… When things went in a direction I didn't like, I bailed. I told you I was done and let you go out there on your own. I almost got you killed Kate."
"It's not that simple Rick. You know that."
"I should have kept my promise; I should have stood beside you rather than trying to shield you. You were right about that Kate."
"Rick, I understand why you did what you did, you didn't want me to get killed. But I stand behind what I said then, I'm not a child to be protected. We were partners. I thought we were partners, but then you made me lesser than I am by taking me out of the equation. By keeping me in the dark about something that was vitally important to me."
"I got scared. And…I didn't trust you to make a logical decision."
"But you didn't have that right."
"No, I didn't but…" Rick looked at Kate, and explained, "I'm not making excuses here Kate but I want you to understand where I was coming from."
Kate nodded for him to go on, indicating that she was willing to listen.
"My experience with love is…limited. My longest two relationships are the one with my mother, and the one with my daughter. I know it's probably a little strange to be protective of one's mother but… I don't know, maybe it was because my Dad wasn't around, maybe it was because she was determined to believe the best of every man that entered her life, but I did feel as if I needed to look out for her. And Alexis, God, if I could wrap her in bubble wrap, body and heart, before I sent her out into the world I would do it. It's the way I've loved, the only way I've known to love for so long. I knew you were strong and smart and capable, but when faced with that fear I reverted to reacting in a way that was old and comfortable for me. But I shouldn't have let you go out there alone. I shouldn't have told you I was done."
"Rick it wasn't your fault."
"I looked into your Mom's case when you told me not to."
"Yeah."
"I told you I'd be there with you."
"Yeah."
"And I let you go out there alone."
"You tried to stop me. But I… I couldn't not go."
Rick looked at her confusion clouding his eyes. He knew she was repeating his words back to him, but he couldn't figure out what parallel she was trying to draw.
"If something had happened to you in Paris," Kate asked, "would you have blamed me?"
"Of course not. Why would I? I didn't give you a chance to come with me, to help me. But Kate, you gave me that chance. Maybe you didn't ask me to go, but I knew what you were doing, where you'd look next. I refused to go."
"Did I really give you a chance Rick? I'd pushed you away for so long, closed you out. When we fought that night I refused to give your feelings any consideration. So did I really give you a chance? Rick, I didn't do it intentionally, but everything I'd done before, everything I said that night, made it impossible for you to be there with me. So, no Rick, it wasn't your fault. We both made mistakes and it lead to a colossal clusterfuck. But it was just as much my fault as it was yours, more so really."
"But I told you I was done."
Kate looked at him and smiled, "That may have been the best thing you ever did."
"Huh?"
"Rick, when you told me you were done, you were so angry, so hurt. And I believed you. I know, we'd both walked out before, in one way or another, but this…this seemed different. It seemed permanent in a way all the other times hadn't. And then I was hanging on to the side of that building, and all I could think about was you. All that we'd been through together, all of the close calls; all of the times you'd brightened my day with a cup of coffee, a bit of banter, or some wild theory that made me smile. And suddenly I couldn't picture my life without you in it. I found I wanted to survive, not just because that would mean that I'd escaped the dragon again, or because I still wanted justice for my mom, or even so I could go back to the job. I wanted to survive so I could come back to you. To see if you would be willing to give me another chance." She paused for a moment as she tried to find the words then she continued, "It took every ounce of courage I had to come to you that night. I knew I was the one that had to make next move. That I was the one that had to let you know that I wanted to move our relationship forward, but I've never been as frightened as I was knocking on your door that night. I'm not sure what I would have done if you'd turned me away, if you had rejected what I finally wanted to give. If you had rejected me.
"I could never have rejected you Kate."
"You…hesitated." She said softly, wanting to know why but feeling as if she really didn't deserve an answer.
"Yeah," said Rick, thinking back to that moment. "I know. I was still angry. And I… I didn't want to be used Kate, my heart could not have survived that. Then you said you were sorry; that you just wanted me. The look in your eyes, the certainty in your voice, it made me believe that just maybe we were finally at the same place and at a time that was right for both of us."
"And it looks like we were."
"Yeah." Rick smiled.
"But you see, saying you were done? It was the impetus that I needed to see things clearly. If you hadn't said it then we probably wouldn't be where we are tonight."
Rick pulled her closer draping his arms over her shoulders, and Kate snuggled in, pressing her curves comfortably along his side. As the quiet descended again Kate's fingers traveled to Rick's shirt front; fingering the stitching along the placket, the buttons that ran down his chest, working them almost loose before closing them up again.
"Why weren't mom and I enough for him Kate? Why wasn't I enough?"
Kate pressed her face deeper into Rick's chest and wrapped her arm around his waist, squeezing tightly. She knew he was talking about his father, and everything in her wanted to protect him and the little boy that was still so much a part of who he was. "It wasn't that you weren't enough Rick. Maybe he felt like he couldn't be a good husband, a good father. Maybe he felt like he wasn't enough for you."
"I've got so many questions." Rick said. "And I feel...so…cheated."
Kate squeezed him tight again. "I know. I know."
And, Rick realized, she did know. She must feel that very same sense of loss. Somehow that thought comforted him. The fact that she understood, truly understood the emotions that were roiling around inside of him. He turned his head and pressed a kiss into the silky waves of her hair. "I'm so glad you're here."
Kate turned to look at him, "I'm glad you're here too," she said.
Looking down at her Rick realized how exhausted she must be. There were dark circles under her eyes and her actions had become slow and lethargic. His two days at the embassy had been necessary for the debriefing, but it had also given him time to calm down and get at a little rest. Kate and his mother, he knew, had only begun to relax today when they were able to see for themselves that both he and Alexis were unharmed. He tipped her chin up and placed a soft kiss on her lips, "Ready for bed?"
"Yeah," Kate nodded.
"Do you mind if we use the guest room across from Alexis tonight?" Rick asked as he stood, pulling Kate up as well. "She might wake up and… I'd kind of like to have all my girls close to me tonight."
"That sounds perfect." She admitted.
It wasn't long before they were curled up together under the fluffy down duvet; his chest pressed into her back, her derriere nestled into the curve of his pelvis, and their legs twined together. His arm was wrapped around her waist and her arm covered his, their fingers laced together. The sounds of night filtered through the room; the sirens in a distance, the occasional bleat of a taxi horn, the click and hum of the furnace, and the soft even breathing that only comes with slumber. Out in the hallway a small lamp burned, keeping the darkness at bay. A soft muted light that slipped ever so gently into the bedroom; watching over the two as they slept.