Title: Just A Spark
Category: Angst and maybe a little romantic
Rated: G
Spoilers: Just Grave. But it would probably be best if you know something about what happens in the beginning of S7.
Characters: Spike, Buffy, Dawn, Xander, maybe some Giles and Willow.
Summary: Spike is insane. Buffy tries to help. Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns everyone of them *sigh* I'm just borrowing them for a while.
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... Spike fell to the ground. He tried to breathe, but it didn't really help. Why didn't he breathe? Don't people normally breathe? He couldn't remember. He felt like he was dying. He looked up at a demon with red eyes and gave a little scream.
"Done" the demon whispered.
"What was that?" Spike couldn't remember anything. It was like everything he knew, was gone. He didn't even remember what he was doing here or why he was in pain. He could remember some glowing light though. "What... what's going on here?"
"My job here is done." the demon yelled and the now green light of eyes disappeared.
Spike was alone in the dark. What was that... that demon? Then he started remembering. Himself. His name was William. Then he remembered Cecily. She was so beautiful. God, he loved her. Then he heard a voice: "You're beneath me". Spike remembered. And it all came back to him. Drusilla, vampire, slayers, Sunnydale and Buffy. Buffy. He loved her of all her heart. She had died because of him, but came back to him. To use him. She had kept saying how she was using him, but he never understood it before now. Oh god, he started to remember what he had done to Buffy. And why he was here. She wouldn't understand it if he got back. Should he get back? To put her through more suffering?
He started to feel more weak and passed out. "You're beneath me"
*
Summers home three months later. Buffy and Dawn sat on the porch, watching the sunset.
"What a perfect ending to a perfect day." said Buffy, looking at the beautiful sunset. She was thinking about the shopping spree they have had this day. Buffy had got a new job at the new high school and earned a lot of money. Her and Dawn had already spent most of them, but next week she would get just as many. She was truly happy right at this moment.
Dawn nodded. She looked at her sister who seemed happy. Buffy looked back and they had sister-moment. Dawn and Buffy had really bonded these last couple of months with the slaying and stuff. Buffy had let her come on patrol and Dawn killed her first vamp alone just last week. Buffy had been really proud and they have had a sister-moment... again.
"So what do you wanna do tomorrow?" Buffy asked.
Dawn didn't answer. She began thinking about what had happened these last couple of months. This last year. Tara had died, Willow going psycho. Spike trying to rape Buffy, then disappearing, breaking his promise to protect her. They haded heard from either Willow or Spike in months. Willow had gone to England with Giles to recover and Spike... well, they didn't know where Spike was. Dawn wondered if Buffy wanted him dead. In that case she hoped Spike didn't come back. But she still missed him and wanted him back. He was like a big brother she never had. Of course if there was a ball of red shiny energy out there that a hell god was after, maybe she could get a real big brother. But what was the chance for that happing two times?
"Dawn, you didn't answer me. What are you thinking about that's more important than you big sis" Buffy smiled at her. "Sorry, I was just thinking of the last year. So much have happen, huh?" Dawn answered kinda sad. "Well, why think of the past when you live in the now? That's my philosophy." Buffy shrugged. Buffy had always been good at avoiding. She knew Dawn was thinking of Spike.
"No, that's so not your philosophy! Your philosophy is 'Life is short'. And stop avoiding."
Okay, Dawn knew when Buffy was trying to avoid things. But they had lived together for 16 years or at least 2. The only problem right now, was that Dawn wanted a real answer now and Buffy didn't have one without saying the names Spike or Willow.
"Yeah, Xander and Anya not getting married. That was so sad." Buffy was proud of herself. She had forgot about the Xander/Anya thing happened last year. It was like they had been mad at each other forever, but it had only been a few months or so. And just a year ago, they seemed so perfect. Like they were made for each other and each other only. What had happened? Where had she been? She was right there at the wedding, but had no idea what was going on. Maybe it wasn't just her. Anya didn't know anything either.
But it wasn't just that. Buffy hadn't been there all last year. If she had, she wouldn't have slept with Spike and maybe Anya and Xander would be married and happy. If she had been there. And maybe Tara wouldn't have died, Willow wouldn't have freaked out and Dawn wouldn't steal things just to get Buffy's attention. No, wait! It was all Spike's fault. He was the reason for all of that! It was always better to blame others instead of herself. That's what she had learned this past year.
"You're right, Dawn. But that's my second philosophy. The first one is much more important."
Dawn looked at her with a stop-avoiding look. Buffy hated that.
"But yes, things was a little crazy last year. I'm glad it's all back to normal now." Buffy said. Yes, she really saved that one. Now she just needed a other subject.
"So how 'bout them broncos?" God, what was she doing?!
"Buffy, you're avoiding. What is it you don't wanna talk about. Come on, you can tell me. I'm your sis, remember."
Buffy sighed. She didn't wanna talk about it, but Dawn had all right to know.
"Spike" Buffy whispered.
"Spike?" Dawn kinda yelled. Buffy looked shocked at her. "Spike." Dawn asked a little quieter. "You don't know where he'd gone?"
"No and I don't wanna know. I'm over him and just hope he's a pile of dust flying in wind." Buffy answered. Dawn looked suspicious at her. Buffy cracked. "Okay, I miss him. I don't know why 'cause he's evil and hurt me. But I just miss having him here. He did make me happy sometimes."
"Buffy, it's okay. I miss him too. I want to kill him for breaking his promise to protect me and hurting you, but I still miss him. I guess the Summers women just are suckers for the bleached chipped vamp, huh? Remember those time when he came to our house just to get hot chocolate with marshmallows. Mom loved talking with him." Dawn got kinda nostalgic. Buffy thought about their mom. Then she thought about Tara. All those people who had died. She missed them all. Even Jenny Calendar. Who Angel killed. Angel.
The rest of that evening, Dawn and Buffy just sat at the porch, thinking. The sun set and they both went on patrol. But they didn't talk at all the rest of that night.
*
Dawn ran down the stages. It was morning and she was late for school. So was Buffy who followed her. "Late, late, late." they were both yelling.
Xander had promised to drive them and had now waited for 10 minutes, just because the two girls had to check their hair like a million times. The words 'Xander, does this look okay to you?' had been going all morning. Worse was it for Dawn's first day of school where she couldn't decide between two shirt that looked exactly like each other. And after 1 hour she picked a complete different one. Right now he was thinking what he should get for dinner.
Finally they were ready. They ran out the door and Xander slowly walked after them out to the car. He locked the door for them. Was he really the only one to remember that? Anya was just like them. She always had to check her clothes, hair and make- up. Then she would run out the door, but forget to lock it. He missed Anya. She was so cute when they were lying in bed, talking. She always ended up talking about money. He wished they could go back to normal. Before that wedding stuff. They were so happy and nothing could get in their way of happiness. There was the demon thing, but that was usually only once a week.
He sat in the car with the two Summers girl who was discussing their hair again! He started the car. They were all 5 minutes late.
*
Buffy was bored. There was nothing to do. Every teen on this school was apparently fine and didn't need her help. Buffy was clearly bored, as evidenced by her balancing a pencil holder full of pencils on her forehead.
Suddenly a girl came into the office. A black girl who didn't look like a 16 year old girl. She looked older. And her clothes! 'God', Buffy thought. 'This girl lives in the 70's!' But Buffy remembered herself that her job wasn't about fashion.
The girl looked worried and scared. She walked over toward Buffy's desk and looked down on chair in front of the desk.
"Hi there. Please take a seat." Buffy smiled at her. She was just so happy to have something to do. So happy that she could ignore the girl's clothes. The girl sat down and gave a shy smile.
"Hi. I'm Nikki." She looked down. But fast she looked Buffy right in the eyes.
"And why are you here, Nikki?" Buffy asked her. Nikki looked down again, looking like she was trying to talk.
"You see I have had these dreams the last couple of nights."
"Yes...?" asked Buffy. She had a weird feeling about this girl. It was like she knew Nikki. Like they had a connection.
"And you'll probably think I'm crazy when I'm telling you this, but in the dream I'm in New York, in a train or something. And this guy who looks a little like Billy Idol is fighting me. I'm so strong in the dream, but the guy is stronger. And he kills me."
*
Dawn came running in office and Buffy dropped all the pencils on the floor. Buffy gave a scream.
"The girl. Where did she go?" Buffy said confused.
"What girl are you talking about, Buffy?" Dawn was just as confused. Her sister was started seeing things. That was way worse than the nightmares where weird possible German girls got killed.
"Nikki. She was here. She told me she got killed in her dreams. I think she got killed by Spike." Buffy looked around in the empty room. Only her and Dawn was there.
"Buffy, are you okay?" Dawn asked concerned.
"Yeah, Dawn. I'll be fine. I guess it just was a dream."
"Good, 'cause you gotta be sane for this. Xander heard some of his men talking about dead rats in the basement. You know basement a.k.a. the Hellmouth. You better check it out after school."
Buffy looked at her little sister who actually was taller than her now. That was really annoying. She had never been tall, but now her sister was higher than her! She missed little Jonathan.
"I'll check it out now. It's almost lunch and no one will spent their lunch break here talking with me. That's what classes are for. Why aren't you in class anyway?"
I had a free. Now go. Find the dead rats and their killer. And if it's a cat, please take it home 'cause I'd love to have a pet!" Dawn grinned at her. Buffy smiled at her and hugged her.
*
The school basement later that day. Buffy walking around with a flashlight. She hadn't seen anything yet. Not even dead rats.
"Sure, go down to the creepy basement after dead rats and their killer. It's so fun. Well, it's better than having weird dreams and stuff. Except for the talking to myself part. That can't be good."
There was nothing. Although there was a lot of boxes, all empty, piled up. What the hell was they doing here? Lots of empty boxes. It made everything much creepier. Then she came to a door. 'BOILER ROOM' the sign said.
"No reason for going in there." said she to herself like she was another person. "I should just go. There's nothing here."
She started walking back from where she came from. But then she heard a sound coming from the boiler room. Just a little sound. Like a cry. 'Hm... maybe there's a cat in there who has had too much rat to eat.' She thought and walked toward the door and stopped right in front of it. Should she go in there. There was probably nothing in there. She reached for the doorknob and slowly opened the door. There was so dark in there and of course the flashlight was out of battery. Maybe she should go back? Just get some battery and come back tomorrow. No, she had a good vision and if she did it now, she didn't have to get back down to this Hellmouth basement. Then she noticed that the boiler room was almost right under the Principals office. That means the Hellmouth. But Buffy shrugged and took a step inside.
It was so quiet. This was one of those times where she wished she was among lots of loud people.
Then she heard something like a cry again. A little sad sigh that wasn't meant to be heard. She walked toward the sound slowly and something started moving. She could see something in the corner. It was a person.
"Who's there?" she asked. There was no answer. "It'll be okay. I can get you out of here." She walked to the corner and reached for the persons hand. She touched and screamed. The cold hard, but still so soft, she knew it. "Spike?" she asked shocked. "Is it really you?"
She ran her hand over the persons face. It was him. But he was different. She touched his hair. It was still so soft, but it was now all curly. She got him in the dim light and could now see him for real. Hair disheveled, longer with roots showing. He was wearing a black shirt with buttons, torn and you could see his bare chest underneath. On his face was madness and despair. He started covering his chest with his unbuttoned shirt like he was trying to hide something. Buffy reached for his shirt to see what he was hiding. He backed away and looked the other way. Buffy pushed gently the shirt aside. There was some deep cuts on the upper left side of his chest. She ran her fingers over it and he screamed in pain.
"Spike, who did this to you?" she asked softly, but you could still hear how shocked she was.
He backed further away and looked down. "I... I tried to cut it out..." he answered and. "It was burning me." he whispered painfully. Buffy looked confused.
"You did this to yourself? But why?" She didn't understand what was going on. He seemed different.
"Don't you think I'm trying?" he yelled out. "I tried, but I failed and now I'm sure to be caned! William's a bad boy who needs to be caned. He deserves it!" he yelled. Buffy could hear the pain in his voice.
"Spike, what are you talking about?" Buffy asked confused. She started thinking of the last time they saw each other.
Spike walked up to her, shocked. "You remember. You're thinking about it. Right now! You know what I did. I did it to you. No hurting the girl, William's a bad boy!" he screamed and disappeared.
She couldn't see him anymore. But she could hear him crying. She started backing out of the room. She couldn't take this anymore right now. She could hear Spike talking to himself in the dark. But it still sounded like he tried to explain a other person something. "This is my home. I belong here. Always been here. Didn't ever get the stamp. Need a pass, need a stamp. Get the stamp. She won't understand. Oh god, she won't understand."
Buffy walked out of the room and closed the door. Shocked she left the basement. She couldn't deal with this right now. She couldn't deal with this.
*
It was getting dark when Buffy got home. Principal Wood had given her a lot of paperwork so she sent Dawn home. At least Buffy didn't have to cook dinner then. But now she was afraid if Dawn had burned the house down. 'No, she couldn't.' Buffy thought. 'I mean what is the chance for that to happen?' Now she got nervous.
The door was open when she got to the house. There stood Dawn and looked really proud. Buffy walked up to her.
"What's wrong?" she asked suspicious.
"Nothing is wrong. Why do you always think something is wrong? I'm just proud to say I've made dinner. And I didn't burn the house down if that's what you were thinking." Dawn smiled at her.
Buffy gave a shy smile. "Dawn, I would never think that!" She hugged Dawn and they went inside the house. Dawn kept smiling weird at Buffy.
"So did you find anything in the basement?" Dawn asked to keep the conversation going. Buffy looked shocked at her. Did she know anything? Or was it just plain interest?
"No, there was nothing. No even dead rats." Buffy noticed the annoying really happy smile on Dawn's face. "And what's the matter?"
"Uhm... nothing. I just talked to Giles today." Dawn tried to hide her happiness. Buffy forget every other thought she had. They hadn't talked much to Giles. They hadn't talked at all to Willow, not even heard about she was.
"Really?! How was he? Did he say anything important?" Buffy asked excited.
"He was fine. And he wanted to talk to you. I think it's about Willow." Dawn smiled happy, but a little nervous. She wasn't sure what Buffy would say. Dawn missed Willow so much and wanted her home with them. She wished everything could be back to normal. She wished Tara still was alive. She wished Spike was here... kinda. Of course she had learned not to wish out loud. It only leads to trouble.
"Well, then. Lets eat and then I'll call him." Buffy was happy. She had only talked to Giles a couple of times and they haven't mentioned Willow. She wanted her best friend back with them. She wanted Tara to be with them. She wanted Giles to be with them. She wanted Spike to be... well, she just wanted him sane and normal. Like before she died. He was kinda stalking her, but he was normal. A little whiny, but still normal.
Dawn and Buffy hugged each other again and they closed the door behind them.
*
Buffy and Dawn was watching TV in the living room. Well, Buffy was watching tv, Dawn was asleep. She hadn't called Giles yet and was just trying to stand up, but was too exhausted. That whole day with balancing a pencil holder on her head, trying to talk to a insane vamp who had tried to rape her and all the paperwork had really been hard on her. Her feet felt like two big pieces of concrete.
Finally she moved a little to reach for the phone. But then came the real problem - she didn't remember the number. She tried to reach for the phone book, but it was too far away. She stood up and walked toward the other phone and the phone book. Graped the phone, dialing the number.
"Hallo!" She could recognize Giles' voice.
"Giles, hi. It's Buffy. Dawn said you called earlier."
"Yes, I did. I wanted to talk to you 'bout Willow, you see." Giles said and Buffy was sure he was cleaning his glasses.
"What about Willow? How is she?" Buffy asked curious. .
"She's fine. That's what I wanted to talk about. She's be doing real well this summer and even though she isn't finish with her training, the Coven and I think it'd be best if she finished her training at home with her friends. Would that be okay with you and Dawn, Buffy." Buffy was about to scream. Of course was it okay. As long as she wasn't ending the world. But she didn't knew how Dawn would feel about it. Dawn hadn't talked much about Willow. After Xander had brought Willow back to the house, Willow had gone to bed in Buffy's room. She couldn't be in the room Tara died in. At first she was crying and Xander was with her, but then she fell asleep and Xander took off to the hospital to check on Anya and Giles. Dawn had stood outside of the bedroom and just looked at Willow. She seemed mad, but at the same time sad. Buffy had seen the tears in Dawn's eyes. Buffy herself hadn't cried. It had been a long time since Buffy had cried. Not that she didn't feel like crying sometimes, but she just had to be strong. And now she just didn't need to cry, it was so simple.
"Sure, of course. When?" Buffy answered Giles in a happy voice. She smiled even tough Giles couldn't see her, even tough it didn't matter.
"Well, you see Buffy. Willow and I are taking a plain this evening - London time. So we'll be in Sunnydale tomorrow - your time. About 5 o'clock."
"So you're coming with?" Buffy asked happy. "That's so fantastic! Dawn will be so happy. We've missed you."
"Yes. Is there anything else happening in Sunnydale? I mean Dawn told me about your job and about Xander."
Buffy started thinking of Spike. Should she tell Giles about him? Or should she wait? She didn't even know what was wrong with him. No, she wouldn't tell yet. Later. When he got here. This was much more important, she convinced herself.
"No, nothing. Yeah, we'll pick you up tomorrow then. Right. Bye!" Buffy hang up and ran over to the sleeping Dawn. "Dawn, wake up!!" she yelled. Dawn awoke with a scream.
"What!? Is there a demon? Am I in class?" Dawn yelled out confused.
"No, you're home, no demon. But Giles and Willow are both coming home tomorrow!!" Buffy grinned.
"Really!!?" Dawn screamed and stood up. Then they both started jumping up and down, hugging. Dawn was thinking about how Willow was. Buffy was thinking about Spike. She had to go see him tomorrow. Find out what was wrong.
"I'm gonna call Xander and tell him the good news." Dawn jumped off the couch and ran to the phone. Buffy smiled at her little sis, who was so happy. How could she tell Dawn about Spike?
*
That same night in the school basement. Spike was sitting in a corner, whispering.
"She won't understand. It's in the walls. Talking, singing. Why is it singing? Singing always leads to hug and puppies, you know." He hit his hands into the walls again and again. "I had a speech, I learned it. But they kill mice, they kill rats. They kill people. I kill people. Now is not the time!" he cried out. His hands started hurting, but he didn't stop. After a couple of minutes his hands had moved to his face and he kept hitting his face harder and harder.
"Spike, are you here?" a voice called out in the dark. Buffy appeared. "What are you doing?" She ran over to him and grabbed his hands. "You know that won't help."
"I can't. William's a bad man. No hurting the girl. It's in the walls. It's in my head." Spike looked at his hands. There was blood all over them. "No, not blood." he cried and hid his face in his hands. "It's from the mice, the rats. The people."
"Spike, please tell me what you're talking about. I don't understand it."
"You see! I was right. They were all right!" he looked at his hands once again. "Dru kept saying she could see the stars. Even when it was sunshine outside and we were inside, she could still see them, talk to them. She used to give them all name. She called them all Sparks." He laughed in a insane way. "She could even see how I felt. About you. What I was going to become." He looked at Buffy. Right in the eyes. Painfully. "And now I see her." He looked down again. Hid his face in his hands.
"Spike, whatever is going on, I'll be here for you. I'll help you." Buffy sat down. He looked at her. She was so beautiful. The girl he loved. The girl he had gone crazy for. Literally. She was everything for him. There wasn't a point for him to live, even an undead life, without her.
He remembered that from last year. 47 days without her. She was dead, gone. Every night he had visit her grave. Kept it beautiful. Put flowers on it. Sat there all night, just watching or sometimes crying. No one every knew that.
He hadn't really been to the funeral. Only seen it at a distance. The Scoobies had made it at daytime against his will. They kept saying how the vampires couldn't find out that she was dead. They had even fixed the bleeding robot. It was painful. He couldn't look at it, it reminded him of her. He'd made Willow take the love-Spike chip thing out. But it still looked at him. He could see it wasn't her. It didn't have the same beautiful smile or that little spark in the eyes. He lived for those two things.
He remembered the first time he saw her again. Coming down the stairs, looking so innocent, so beautiful. At first he thought she was the bleeding bot. But then he saw into her eyes and he just knew. Not because of what Dawn said or the way she said. Everything just disappeared and all he could see was her. All glowing like a spark coming back into his life. He could have just looking at her for hours. No interruptions, no one else but him and her. He could even have wrote a poem about her at that night. Actually he did the day after. He'd wrote lots of poems about her. He had made drawings of her. He'd thought about sending her them. And flowers. Just so she could see what she meant to him. How he always looked at her like it was going to be the last time they ever saw each other. Every little thing he noticed. Even her weird little cute noise. About her smile, her way of looking at you with the spark in her eyes and stuff like that. But he had never shown them to her. Never told her about them.
He started remembering what he had done to her after she came back. What he had tried to do. The spark simply wasn't enough. He could ever be good enough for her. The man she deserved. He couldn't even be a man. She had always been right. Right from the beginning. He looked away by the thought. When she touched him, he would remember what he had done. And he was sure she could feel the same. "Spike, I'll be here for you." he could hear Buffy say. He looked up again. But she wasn't there anymore. She was gone. She wasn't there, she had never been there.
"No. No. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Deep, deep, deep inside me. No, bad! Bad bad bad!! William's a bad boy, he doesn't deserve anything. It won't help. It won't stop. They talk, they sing. They kill mice, the kill rats and he kill people. William's a bad man. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn't it. Supposed to help to help, but it doesn't. Still so heavy." He started rambling. He couldn't take it anymore. It was always the same. Buffy had never been down there and she would never come. Not after that he did. Even when the others started talking, she wouldn't come. And when she was there, she said she would stay. But she never did.
Spike couldn't take it anymore. It was making him crazy. Just like Dru told him. Just like the others told him. Even the real dead wouldn't stop talking.
*
Buffy was standing by the door, looking out on the sunrise. She hadn't gone to bed at all and she wasn't going to. She was thinking about something Tara had said many times: "I like sunrise better when I'm getting up early than when I'm staying up late, you know? It's like I'm seeing it from the wrong side." She would say that every time we had been up until sunrise. Buffy had to agree with Tara. The sunrise didn't look right. Maybe Tara was right. But if you saw the sunrise without have been to bed, maybe you were on the wrong side. The sun didn't change, you did.
She started thinking about Tara. It seemed like Tara always had smiled. All Buffy's memories about Tara was almost just a smiling Tara or a half smiling Tara. She had always tried to do the best and she always did. Buffy remembered the time Tara found out about that thing with Spike. She had totally kept her calm. She didn't even tell the others, not even Willow. Buffy had respected her for that. And Tara had actually made fun of Spike at Buffy's birthday. Tara was truly the best of them all.
Buffy heard Dawn moving upstairs and stopped thinking. Right, it was a school day. Maybe it was best to get a little sleep. Buffy walked up the stairs and walked towards her room. Then she came by Dawn's room. She opened the door a little and looked at her little sister who was snoring. Buffy couldn't help not to giggle. It was so cute. She had never noticed that before now. Buffy walked in the purple room, looking around. It was a lot nicer now than before. Dawn had the worst taste in music, everyone could tell by looking at the walls. Buffy had of course never been interested in music, but she could still tell what was good and what was bad. And Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake was definitely not good taste! It was the work of the devil. The work of vampires and other evil things. Buffy would bet Justin was evil.
Buffy moved towards the bed. She sat down on it, by her sister's side. Touched her soft, shinny hair. Stroke it. She wanted hair like that. Buffy loved her hair color, men not the way it felt when she touched it. She wanted shinny hair like Dawn. Spike had always told her how he loved her hair. It was so long and kinda curly. He had talked about it's color, how it shifted with the light. Then she cut it shorter, just because he had said he liked it.
Then she laid down beside Dawn, looking at her. After a couple of minutes Buffy was sleeping. Dawn awoke annoyed by her big sister's snoring.
*
Buffy was exhausted. Dawn woke her up 7 am and Buffy hadn't gotten any sleep. She had seen the sunrise though.
Dawn was cranky all morning. She was talking about how Buffy had woke Dawn up so early and that there wasn't any breakfast. Spoiled little brat! So Buffy had to get up, put on some new clothes and make breakfast for the little sister. Then Buffy was getting cranky, but there wasn't time for that 'cause it was time for school. Xander picked them up. On the way to school he had talked about the dead rats in the basement that Buffy couldn't find any of. That made Buffy think of Spike. She had happily forgot all about him for one hour and now she really had to meet him again. And she was afraid. Not about what he do to her, but about what they were going to say to each other. And he looked kinda insane the last time she saw him so what is he now. Insane vamps is always fun to have around, right? And Xander kept talking about how Buffy should check the dead rats out again. Dear god, she wish she could make him shut up. She loved him, but he could be really annoying.
Now she was in the basement after Xander had dragged her down there and left her, to go to work. Stupid excuse! She was thinking about what to say to him. Or should she let him do the talking? If he still was sane enough for that. Maybe he was just drunk the last time they met? That didn't explain much, but it could comfort her while she was trying to the boiler room.
She finally found it. She hadn't seen any dead rats so maybe she should look for them first. Okay, bad Buffy. 'You have to talk to him at some point' she thought. Better to do it now than later. She opened the door and walked in. She heard something move fast. 'Please let that be a rat' she thought and looked around for light switch. Then she heard a familiar voice. "I know what you're thinking. You wish I was a rat. The light switch is on the other side of the door." She knew it was Spike. But his voice was not just British anymore. It was sad. She walked toward the door and turned on the light from the other side of the door. There she saw him. He hadn't black roots like before. His hair was more normal, just a little dirty and curly. It looked sweet. She walked toward him, but he moved farther away from her. Then he tilted his head as if he was checking that it was her. "Spike, how are you?" she asked softly. "You look better." He started laughing. Then the laugher changed to soft crying. He looked her in the eyes. "Chalkboards won't last, you know." He looked down. "Water can remove everything you have wrote. Everything you have done." His voice had turned to soft whisper. Buffy couldn't stand it. To see him like this. What happened to the Big Bad? "You wonder what happened to me, aren't you?" he gazed at her. "He passed away. Just like everything else in this city. The funny part is that he wasn't even in the city at the time. He was somewhere else for you." He looked around in the room. "But that never really works, does it?" he smiled. "How did Red do it?" How did he know about Willow? He hadn't been here. Had he talked to someone else? And it sounded like he knew how she was. More than Buffy even knew. Like she was alright now.
"You heard about Willow? Where, how?" Buffy asked confused. A little too confused. The crazy vamp knew more about Buffy's best friend then Buffy herself did. And he hadn't even been around here at that time. "Is it cold in here?" he asked. It was first now Buffy noticed he didn't have his coat. Of course it was in a small box, in the bottom of her closet. She wondered if he ever missed it. He had always been fond of it. It was his sign of being the Big Bad. Maybe he didn't need it anymore. "I wouldn't know, but it seems cold in here. I can see your breath. But not my own, of course. In the beginning I didn't remembered. I couldn't understand. All people have a breath. But then I remembered." His voice turned sad and she could see how he tried to hold the tears back.
She walked toward him. "Spike, it's okay." She said comforting. She didn't know why, but she felt it was somehow her fault. And it was probably best to calm the insane vampire instead of. anything else. She was now close enough to touch him. He still tried to avoid her eyes, but she caught them for a second or two. She gave him a little smile. "Spike, just tell what is wrong. I have time to listen. Tell me what you want." "I tried. to find it." He began. Not sure if he should continue. "Find what? Spike, you're only telling me the end of the story, aren't you?" Buffy was so close to getting impatient. "Spike. What a name, huh?" he grinned. "When you think about the way I got it, the name itself seems pretty harmless. You don't even know half the story." He looked around in the room. "But she does." "Who does? You're confusing me, Spik. uhm. William." Buffy had gotten really impatient. She didn't have so much time to listen before Principle Wood would start asking questions when she once got back. "So it's William now? You know who William is? He's that guy who loved Cecily. Who would do everything for her. Who was beneath her and killed her with nails from the railroad." He looked Buffy in the eyes and she had to step a little back. "I can still feel the warm blood." He noticed the fear in her eyes. "So that's who William really is." He looked down, again avoiding her eyes. "But it's just a name, right? That's not who I am. I wonder who I really am. Should I get a new name? That seems to work for some people. That and 90 years in torture without knowing where to fit in." He smiled painful. "But others do it for love." He sat down on the floor and now it seemed like he was even farther from her than before. "You're not even here." He whispered and started to cry a little. You barely could hear it.
Buffy noticed the lights were out. 'Stupid light ball' she thought, but ignored it again. Should she try to talk more to the crying vampire or keep her job? It was pretty obvious which one she should choose, but she couldn't just leave Spike down here. She could feel something infecting him. There was something down here. The Hellmouth was probably bad to be too close to. She could take him home. It was a bad idea, but what else could she do? Should she talk to Giles first? He would come home today with Willow. So maybe she should get back to work, get him some blood before going home, talk to Giles about it tonight after saying hi to Willow and stuff like that and then she could take it from there. That was a plan. The best and the only. "Listen to me" she avoided to say any of his names. "I'll go to work now, be back with some blood. Tonight I'll talk to Giles and then I'll be back tomorrow morning." "You've never been here, but will come again, then disappear and tell me how we can get through this." He whispered.
"I've only been here once. And I did come back, didn't I? I'll be back later today, trust me." She walked toward him, bent down and kissed him on the cheek. She didn't know why, but she just felt like doing it. She closed the door after her. It's was probably stupid to leave him down here but right now she couldn't think of anything better to do.
Category: Angst and maybe a little romantic
Rated: G
Spoilers: Just Grave. But it would probably be best if you know something about what happens in the beginning of S7.
Characters: Spike, Buffy, Dawn, Xander, maybe some Giles and Willow.
Summary: Spike is insane. Buffy tries to help. Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns everyone of them *sigh* I'm just borrowing them for a while.
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... Spike fell to the ground. He tried to breathe, but it didn't really help. Why didn't he breathe? Don't people normally breathe? He couldn't remember. He felt like he was dying. He looked up at a demon with red eyes and gave a little scream.
"Done" the demon whispered.
"What was that?" Spike couldn't remember anything. It was like everything he knew, was gone. He didn't even remember what he was doing here or why he was in pain. He could remember some glowing light though. "What... what's going on here?"
"My job here is done." the demon yelled and the now green light of eyes disappeared.
Spike was alone in the dark. What was that... that demon? Then he started remembering. Himself. His name was William. Then he remembered Cecily. She was so beautiful. God, he loved her. Then he heard a voice: "You're beneath me". Spike remembered. And it all came back to him. Drusilla, vampire, slayers, Sunnydale and Buffy. Buffy. He loved her of all her heart. She had died because of him, but came back to him. To use him. She had kept saying how she was using him, but he never understood it before now. Oh god, he started to remember what he had done to Buffy. And why he was here. She wouldn't understand it if he got back. Should he get back? To put her through more suffering?
He started to feel more weak and passed out. "You're beneath me"
*
Summers home three months later. Buffy and Dawn sat on the porch, watching the sunset.
"What a perfect ending to a perfect day." said Buffy, looking at the beautiful sunset. She was thinking about the shopping spree they have had this day. Buffy had got a new job at the new high school and earned a lot of money. Her and Dawn had already spent most of them, but next week she would get just as many. She was truly happy right at this moment.
Dawn nodded. She looked at her sister who seemed happy. Buffy looked back and they had sister-moment. Dawn and Buffy had really bonded these last couple of months with the slaying and stuff. Buffy had let her come on patrol and Dawn killed her first vamp alone just last week. Buffy had been really proud and they have had a sister-moment... again.
"So what do you wanna do tomorrow?" Buffy asked.
Dawn didn't answer. She began thinking about what had happened these last couple of months. This last year. Tara had died, Willow going psycho. Spike trying to rape Buffy, then disappearing, breaking his promise to protect her. They haded heard from either Willow or Spike in months. Willow had gone to England with Giles to recover and Spike... well, they didn't know where Spike was. Dawn wondered if Buffy wanted him dead. In that case she hoped Spike didn't come back. But she still missed him and wanted him back. He was like a big brother she never had. Of course if there was a ball of red shiny energy out there that a hell god was after, maybe she could get a real big brother. But what was the chance for that happing two times?
"Dawn, you didn't answer me. What are you thinking about that's more important than you big sis" Buffy smiled at her. "Sorry, I was just thinking of the last year. So much have happen, huh?" Dawn answered kinda sad. "Well, why think of the past when you live in the now? That's my philosophy." Buffy shrugged. Buffy had always been good at avoiding. She knew Dawn was thinking of Spike.
"No, that's so not your philosophy! Your philosophy is 'Life is short'. And stop avoiding."
Okay, Dawn knew when Buffy was trying to avoid things. But they had lived together for 16 years or at least 2. The only problem right now, was that Dawn wanted a real answer now and Buffy didn't have one without saying the names Spike or Willow.
"Yeah, Xander and Anya not getting married. That was so sad." Buffy was proud of herself. She had forgot about the Xander/Anya thing happened last year. It was like they had been mad at each other forever, but it had only been a few months or so. And just a year ago, they seemed so perfect. Like they were made for each other and each other only. What had happened? Where had she been? She was right there at the wedding, but had no idea what was going on. Maybe it wasn't just her. Anya didn't know anything either.
But it wasn't just that. Buffy hadn't been there all last year. If she had, she wouldn't have slept with Spike and maybe Anya and Xander would be married and happy. If she had been there. And maybe Tara wouldn't have died, Willow wouldn't have freaked out and Dawn wouldn't steal things just to get Buffy's attention. No, wait! It was all Spike's fault. He was the reason for all of that! It was always better to blame others instead of herself. That's what she had learned this past year.
"You're right, Dawn. But that's my second philosophy. The first one is much more important."
Dawn looked at her with a stop-avoiding look. Buffy hated that.
"But yes, things was a little crazy last year. I'm glad it's all back to normal now." Buffy said. Yes, she really saved that one. Now she just needed a other subject.
"So how 'bout them broncos?" God, what was she doing?!
"Buffy, you're avoiding. What is it you don't wanna talk about. Come on, you can tell me. I'm your sis, remember."
Buffy sighed. She didn't wanna talk about it, but Dawn had all right to know.
"Spike" Buffy whispered.
"Spike?" Dawn kinda yelled. Buffy looked shocked at her. "Spike." Dawn asked a little quieter. "You don't know where he'd gone?"
"No and I don't wanna know. I'm over him and just hope he's a pile of dust flying in wind." Buffy answered. Dawn looked suspicious at her. Buffy cracked. "Okay, I miss him. I don't know why 'cause he's evil and hurt me. But I just miss having him here. He did make me happy sometimes."
"Buffy, it's okay. I miss him too. I want to kill him for breaking his promise to protect me and hurting you, but I still miss him. I guess the Summers women just are suckers for the bleached chipped vamp, huh? Remember those time when he came to our house just to get hot chocolate with marshmallows. Mom loved talking with him." Dawn got kinda nostalgic. Buffy thought about their mom. Then she thought about Tara. All those people who had died. She missed them all. Even Jenny Calendar. Who Angel killed. Angel.
The rest of that evening, Dawn and Buffy just sat at the porch, thinking. The sun set and they both went on patrol. But they didn't talk at all the rest of that night.
*
Dawn ran down the stages. It was morning and she was late for school. So was Buffy who followed her. "Late, late, late." they were both yelling.
Xander had promised to drive them and had now waited for 10 minutes, just because the two girls had to check their hair like a million times. The words 'Xander, does this look okay to you?' had been going all morning. Worse was it for Dawn's first day of school where she couldn't decide between two shirt that looked exactly like each other. And after 1 hour she picked a complete different one. Right now he was thinking what he should get for dinner.
Finally they were ready. They ran out the door and Xander slowly walked after them out to the car. He locked the door for them. Was he really the only one to remember that? Anya was just like them. She always had to check her clothes, hair and make- up. Then she would run out the door, but forget to lock it. He missed Anya. She was so cute when they were lying in bed, talking. She always ended up talking about money. He wished they could go back to normal. Before that wedding stuff. They were so happy and nothing could get in their way of happiness. There was the demon thing, but that was usually only once a week.
He sat in the car with the two Summers girl who was discussing their hair again! He started the car. They were all 5 minutes late.
*
Buffy was bored. There was nothing to do. Every teen on this school was apparently fine and didn't need her help. Buffy was clearly bored, as evidenced by her balancing a pencil holder full of pencils on her forehead.
Suddenly a girl came into the office. A black girl who didn't look like a 16 year old girl. She looked older. And her clothes! 'God', Buffy thought. 'This girl lives in the 70's!' But Buffy remembered herself that her job wasn't about fashion.
The girl looked worried and scared. She walked over toward Buffy's desk and looked down on chair in front of the desk.
"Hi there. Please take a seat." Buffy smiled at her. She was just so happy to have something to do. So happy that she could ignore the girl's clothes. The girl sat down and gave a shy smile.
"Hi. I'm Nikki." She looked down. But fast she looked Buffy right in the eyes.
"And why are you here, Nikki?" Buffy asked her. Nikki looked down again, looking like she was trying to talk.
"You see I have had these dreams the last couple of nights."
"Yes...?" asked Buffy. She had a weird feeling about this girl. It was like she knew Nikki. Like they had a connection.
"And you'll probably think I'm crazy when I'm telling you this, but in the dream I'm in New York, in a train or something. And this guy who looks a little like Billy Idol is fighting me. I'm so strong in the dream, but the guy is stronger. And he kills me."
*
Dawn came running in office and Buffy dropped all the pencils on the floor. Buffy gave a scream.
"The girl. Where did she go?" Buffy said confused.
"What girl are you talking about, Buffy?" Dawn was just as confused. Her sister was started seeing things. That was way worse than the nightmares where weird possible German girls got killed.
"Nikki. She was here. She told me she got killed in her dreams. I think she got killed by Spike." Buffy looked around in the empty room. Only her and Dawn was there.
"Buffy, are you okay?" Dawn asked concerned.
"Yeah, Dawn. I'll be fine. I guess it just was a dream."
"Good, 'cause you gotta be sane for this. Xander heard some of his men talking about dead rats in the basement. You know basement a.k.a. the Hellmouth. You better check it out after school."
Buffy looked at her little sister who actually was taller than her now. That was really annoying. She had never been tall, but now her sister was higher than her! She missed little Jonathan.
"I'll check it out now. It's almost lunch and no one will spent their lunch break here talking with me. That's what classes are for. Why aren't you in class anyway?"
I had a free. Now go. Find the dead rats and their killer. And if it's a cat, please take it home 'cause I'd love to have a pet!" Dawn grinned at her. Buffy smiled at her and hugged her.
*
The school basement later that day. Buffy walking around with a flashlight. She hadn't seen anything yet. Not even dead rats.
"Sure, go down to the creepy basement after dead rats and their killer. It's so fun. Well, it's better than having weird dreams and stuff. Except for the talking to myself part. That can't be good."
There was nothing. Although there was a lot of boxes, all empty, piled up. What the hell was they doing here? Lots of empty boxes. It made everything much creepier. Then she came to a door. 'BOILER ROOM' the sign said.
"No reason for going in there." said she to herself like she was another person. "I should just go. There's nothing here."
She started walking back from where she came from. But then she heard a sound coming from the boiler room. Just a little sound. Like a cry. 'Hm... maybe there's a cat in there who has had too much rat to eat.' She thought and walked toward the door and stopped right in front of it. Should she go in there. There was probably nothing in there. She reached for the doorknob and slowly opened the door. There was so dark in there and of course the flashlight was out of battery. Maybe she should go back? Just get some battery and come back tomorrow. No, she had a good vision and if she did it now, she didn't have to get back down to this Hellmouth basement. Then she noticed that the boiler room was almost right under the Principals office. That means the Hellmouth. But Buffy shrugged and took a step inside.
It was so quiet. This was one of those times where she wished she was among lots of loud people.
Then she heard something like a cry again. A little sad sigh that wasn't meant to be heard. She walked toward the sound slowly and something started moving. She could see something in the corner. It was a person.
"Who's there?" she asked. There was no answer. "It'll be okay. I can get you out of here." She walked to the corner and reached for the persons hand. She touched and screamed. The cold hard, but still so soft, she knew it. "Spike?" she asked shocked. "Is it really you?"
She ran her hand over the persons face. It was him. But he was different. She touched his hair. It was still so soft, but it was now all curly. She got him in the dim light and could now see him for real. Hair disheveled, longer with roots showing. He was wearing a black shirt with buttons, torn and you could see his bare chest underneath. On his face was madness and despair. He started covering his chest with his unbuttoned shirt like he was trying to hide something. Buffy reached for his shirt to see what he was hiding. He backed away and looked the other way. Buffy pushed gently the shirt aside. There was some deep cuts on the upper left side of his chest. She ran her fingers over it and he screamed in pain.
"Spike, who did this to you?" she asked softly, but you could still hear how shocked she was.
He backed further away and looked down. "I... I tried to cut it out..." he answered and. "It was burning me." he whispered painfully. Buffy looked confused.
"You did this to yourself? But why?" She didn't understand what was going on. He seemed different.
"Don't you think I'm trying?" he yelled out. "I tried, but I failed and now I'm sure to be caned! William's a bad boy who needs to be caned. He deserves it!" he yelled. Buffy could hear the pain in his voice.
"Spike, what are you talking about?" Buffy asked confused. She started thinking of the last time they saw each other.
Spike walked up to her, shocked. "You remember. You're thinking about it. Right now! You know what I did. I did it to you. No hurting the girl, William's a bad boy!" he screamed and disappeared.
She couldn't see him anymore. But she could hear him crying. She started backing out of the room. She couldn't take this anymore right now. She could hear Spike talking to himself in the dark. But it still sounded like he tried to explain a other person something. "This is my home. I belong here. Always been here. Didn't ever get the stamp. Need a pass, need a stamp. Get the stamp. She won't understand. Oh god, she won't understand."
Buffy walked out of the room and closed the door. Shocked she left the basement. She couldn't deal with this right now. She couldn't deal with this.
*
It was getting dark when Buffy got home. Principal Wood had given her a lot of paperwork so she sent Dawn home. At least Buffy didn't have to cook dinner then. But now she was afraid if Dawn had burned the house down. 'No, she couldn't.' Buffy thought. 'I mean what is the chance for that to happen?' Now she got nervous.
The door was open when she got to the house. There stood Dawn and looked really proud. Buffy walked up to her.
"What's wrong?" she asked suspicious.
"Nothing is wrong. Why do you always think something is wrong? I'm just proud to say I've made dinner. And I didn't burn the house down if that's what you were thinking." Dawn smiled at her.
Buffy gave a shy smile. "Dawn, I would never think that!" She hugged Dawn and they went inside the house. Dawn kept smiling weird at Buffy.
"So did you find anything in the basement?" Dawn asked to keep the conversation going. Buffy looked shocked at her. Did she know anything? Or was it just plain interest?
"No, there was nothing. No even dead rats." Buffy noticed the annoying really happy smile on Dawn's face. "And what's the matter?"
"Uhm... nothing. I just talked to Giles today." Dawn tried to hide her happiness. Buffy forget every other thought she had. They hadn't talked much to Giles. They hadn't talked at all to Willow, not even heard about she was.
"Really?! How was he? Did he say anything important?" Buffy asked excited.
"He was fine. And he wanted to talk to you. I think it's about Willow." Dawn smiled happy, but a little nervous. She wasn't sure what Buffy would say. Dawn missed Willow so much and wanted her home with them. She wished everything could be back to normal. She wished Tara still was alive. She wished Spike was here... kinda. Of course she had learned not to wish out loud. It only leads to trouble.
"Well, then. Lets eat and then I'll call him." Buffy was happy. She had only talked to Giles a couple of times and they haven't mentioned Willow. She wanted her best friend back with them. She wanted Tara to be with them. She wanted Giles to be with them. She wanted Spike to be... well, she just wanted him sane and normal. Like before she died. He was kinda stalking her, but he was normal. A little whiny, but still normal.
Dawn and Buffy hugged each other again and they closed the door behind them.
*
Buffy and Dawn was watching TV in the living room. Well, Buffy was watching tv, Dawn was asleep. She hadn't called Giles yet and was just trying to stand up, but was too exhausted. That whole day with balancing a pencil holder on her head, trying to talk to a insane vamp who had tried to rape her and all the paperwork had really been hard on her. Her feet felt like two big pieces of concrete.
Finally she moved a little to reach for the phone. But then came the real problem - she didn't remember the number. She tried to reach for the phone book, but it was too far away. She stood up and walked toward the other phone and the phone book. Graped the phone, dialing the number.
"Hallo!" She could recognize Giles' voice.
"Giles, hi. It's Buffy. Dawn said you called earlier."
"Yes, I did. I wanted to talk to you 'bout Willow, you see." Giles said and Buffy was sure he was cleaning his glasses.
"What about Willow? How is she?" Buffy asked curious. .
"She's fine. That's what I wanted to talk about. She's be doing real well this summer and even though she isn't finish with her training, the Coven and I think it'd be best if she finished her training at home with her friends. Would that be okay with you and Dawn, Buffy." Buffy was about to scream. Of course was it okay. As long as she wasn't ending the world. But she didn't knew how Dawn would feel about it. Dawn hadn't talked much about Willow. After Xander had brought Willow back to the house, Willow had gone to bed in Buffy's room. She couldn't be in the room Tara died in. At first she was crying and Xander was with her, but then she fell asleep and Xander took off to the hospital to check on Anya and Giles. Dawn had stood outside of the bedroom and just looked at Willow. She seemed mad, but at the same time sad. Buffy had seen the tears in Dawn's eyes. Buffy herself hadn't cried. It had been a long time since Buffy had cried. Not that she didn't feel like crying sometimes, but she just had to be strong. And now she just didn't need to cry, it was so simple.
"Sure, of course. When?" Buffy answered Giles in a happy voice. She smiled even tough Giles couldn't see her, even tough it didn't matter.
"Well, you see Buffy. Willow and I are taking a plain this evening - London time. So we'll be in Sunnydale tomorrow - your time. About 5 o'clock."
"So you're coming with?" Buffy asked happy. "That's so fantastic! Dawn will be so happy. We've missed you."
"Yes. Is there anything else happening in Sunnydale? I mean Dawn told me about your job and about Xander."
Buffy started thinking of Spike. Should she tell Giles about him? Or should she wait? She didn't even know what was wrong with him. No, she wouldn't tell yet. Later. When he got here. This was much more important, she convinced herself.
"No, nothing. Yeah, we'll pick you up tomorrow then. Right. Bye!" Buffy hang up and ran over to the sleeping Dawn. "Dawn, wake up!!" she yelled. Dawn awoke with a scream.
"What!? Is there a demon? Am I in class?" Dawn yelled out confused.
"No, you're home, no demon. But Giles and Willow are both coming home tomorrow!!" Buffy grinned.
"Really!!?" Dawn screamed and stood up. Then they both started jumping up and down, hugging. Dawn was thinking about how Willow was. Buffy was thinking about Spike. She had to go see him tomorrow. Find out what was wrong.
"I'm gonna call Xander and tell him the good news." Dawn jumped off the couch and ran to the phone. Buffy smiled at her little sis, who was so happy. How could she tell Dawn about Spike?
*
That same night in the school basement. Spike was sitting in a corner, whispering.
"She won't understand. It's in the walls. Talking, singing. Why is it singing? Singing always leads to hug and puppies, you know." He hit his hands into the walls again and again. "I had a speech, I learned it. But they kill mice, they kill rats. They kill people. I kill people. Now is not the time!" he cried out. His hands started hurting, but he didn't stop. After a couple of minutes his hands had moved to his face and he kept hitting his face harder and harder.
"Spike, are you here?" a voice called out in the dark. Buffy appeared. "What are you doing?" She ran over to him and grabbed his hands. "You know that won't help."
"I can't. William's a bad man. No hurting the girl. It's in the walls. It's in my head." Spike looked at his hands. There was blood all over them. "No, not blood." he cried and hid his face in his hands. "It's from the mice, the rats. The people."
"Spike, please tell me what you're talking about. I don't understand it."
"You see! I was right. They were all right!" he looked at his hands once again. "Dru kept saying she could see the stars. Even when it was sunshine outside and we were inside, she could still see them, talk to them. She used to give them all name. She called them all Sparks." He laughed in a insane way. "She could even see how I felt. About you. What I was going to become." He looked at Buffy. Right in the eyes. Painfully. "And now I see her." He looked down again. Hid his face in his hands.
"Spike, whatever is going on, I'll be here for you. I'll help you." Buffy sat down. He looked at her. She was so beautiful. The girl he loved. The girl he had gone crazy for. Literally. She was everything for him. There wasn't a point for him to live, even an undead life, without her.
He remembered that from last year. 47 days without her. She was dead, gone. Every night he had visit her grave. Kept it beautiful. Put flowers on it. Sat there all night, just watching or sometimes crying. No one every knew that.
He hadn't really been to the funeral. Only seen it at a distance. The Scoobies had made it at daytime against his will. They kept saying how the vampires couldn't find out that she was dead. They had even fixed the bleeding robot. It was painful. He couldn't look at it, it reminded him of her. He'd made Willow take the love-Spike chip thing out. But it still looked at him. He could see it wasn't her. It didn't have the same beautiful smile or that little spark in the eyes. He lived for those two things.
He remembered the first time he saw her again. Coming down the stairs, looking so innocent, so beautiful. At first he thought she was the bleeding bot. But then he saw into her eyes and he just knew. Not because of what Dawn said or the way she said. Everything just disappeared and all he could see was her. All glowing like a spark coming back into his life. He could have just looking at her for hours. No interruptions, no one else but him and her. He could even have wrote a poem about her at that night. Actually he did the day after. He'd wrote lots of poems about her. He had made drawings of her. He'd thought about sending her them. And flowers. Just so she could see what she meant to him. How he always looked at her like it was going to be the last time they ever saw each other. Every little thing he noticed. Even her weird little cute noise. About her smile, her way of looking at you with the spark in her eyes and stuff like that. But he had never shown them to her. Never told her about them.
He started remembering what he had done to her after she came back. What he had tried to do. The spark simply wasn't enough. He could ever be good enough for her. The man she deserved. He couldn't even be a man. She had always been right. Right from the beginning. He looked away by the thought. When she touched him, he would remember what he had done. And he was sure she could feel the same. "Spike, I'll be here for you." he could hear Buffy say. He looked up again. But she wasn't there anymore. She was gone. She wasn't there, she had never been there.
"No. No. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Deep, deep, deep inside me. No, bad! Bad bad bad!! William's a bad boy, he doesn't deserve anything. It won't help. It won't stop. They talk, they sing. They kill mice, the kill rats and he kill people. William's a bad man. Carries her water, carries her sin. Supposed to get easier, isn't it. Supposed to help to help, but it doesn't. Still so heavy." He started rambling. He couldn't take it anymore. It was always the same. Buffy had never been down there and she would never come. Not after that he did. Even when the others started talking, she wouldn't come. And when she was there, she said she would stay. But she never did.
Spike couldn't take it anymore. It was making him crazy. Just like Dru told him. Just like the others told him. Even the real dead wouldn't stop talking.
*
Buffy was standing by the door, looking out on the sunrise. She hadn't gone to bed at all and she wasn't going to. She was thinking about something Tara had said many times: "I like sunrise better when I'm getting up early than when I'm staying up late, you know? It's like I'm seeing it from the wrong side." She would say that every time we had been up until sunrise. Buffy had to agree with Tara. The sunrise didn't look right. Maybe Tara was right. But if you saw the sunrise without have been to bed, maybe you were on the wrong side. The sun didn't change, you did.
She started thinking about Tara. It seemed like Tara always had smiled. All Buffy's memories about Tara was almost just a smiling Tara or a half smiling Tara. She had always tried to do the best and she always did. Buffy remembered the time Tara found out about that thing with Spike. She had totally kept her calm. She didn't even tell the others, not even Willow. Buffy had respected her for that. And Tara had actually made fun of Spike at Buffy's birthday. Tara was truly the best of them all.
Buffy heard Dawn moving upstairs and stopped thinking. Right, it was a school day. Maybe it was best to get a little sleep. Buffy walked up the stairs and walked towards her room. Then she came by Dawn's room. She opened the door a little and looked at her little sister who was snoring. Buffy couldn't help not to giggle. It was so cute. She had never noticed that before now. Buffy walked in the purple room, looking around. It was a lot nicer now than before. Dawn had the worst taste in music, everyone could tell by looking at the walls. Buffy had of course never been interested in music, but she could still tell what was good and what was bad. And Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake was definitely not good taste! It was the work of the devil. The work of vampires and other evil things. Buffy would bet Justin was evil.
Buffy moved towards the bed. She sat down on it, by her sister's side. Touched her soft, shinny hair. Stroke it. She wanted hair like that. Buffy loved her hair color, men not the way it felt when she touched it. She wanted shinny hair like Dawn. Spike had always told her how he loved her hair. It was so long and kinda curly. He had talked about it's color, how it shifted with the light. Then she cut it shorter, just because he had said he liked it.
Then she laid down beside Dawn, looking at her. After a couple of minutes Buffy was sleeping. Dawn awoke annoyed by her big sister's snoring.
*
Buffy was exhausted. Dawn woke her up 7 am and Buffy hadn't gotten any sleep. She had seen the sunrise though.
Dawn was cranky all morning. She was talking about how Buffy had woke Dawn up so early and that there wasn't any breakfast. Spoiled little brat! So Buffy had to get up, put on some new clothes and make breakfast for the little sister. Then Buffy was getting cranky, but there wasn't time for that 'cause it was time for school. Xander picked them up. On the way to school he had talked about the dead rats in the basement that Buffy couldn't find any of. That made Buffy think of Spike. She had happily forgot all about him for one hour and now she really had to meet him again. And she was afraid. Not about what he do to her, but about what they were going to say to each other. And he looked kinda insane the last time she saw him so what is he now. Insane vamps is always fun to have around, right? And Xander kept talking about how Buffy should check the dead rats out again. Dear god, she wish she could make him shut up. She loved him, but he could be really annoying.
Now she was in the basement after Xander had dragged her down there and left her, to go to work. Stupid excuse! She was thinking about what to say to him. Or should she let him do the talking? If he still was sane enough for that. Maybe he was just drunk the last time they met? That didn't explain much, but it could comfort her while she was trying to the boiler room.
She finally found it. She hadn't seen any dead rats so maybe she should look for them first. Okay, bad Buffy. 'You have to talk to him at some point' she thought. Better to do it now than later. She opened the door and walked in. She heard something move fast. 'Please let that be a rat' she thought and looked around for light switch. Then she heard a familiar voice. "I know what you're thinking. You wish I was a rat. The light switch is on the other side of the door." She knew it was Spike. But his voice was not just British anymore. It was sad. She walked toward the door and turned on the light from the other side of the door. There she saw him. He hadn't black roots like before. His hair was more normal, just a little dirty and curly. It looked sweet. She walked toward him, but he moved farther away from her. Then he tilted his head as if he was checking that it was her. "Spike, how are you?" she asked softly. "You look better." He started laughing. Then the laugher changed to soft crying. He looked her in the eyes. "Chalkboards won't last, you know." He looked down. "Water can remove everything you have wrote. Everything you have done." His voice had turned to soft whisper. Buffy couldn't stand it. To see him like this. What happened to the Big Bad? "You wonder what happened to me, aren't you?" he gazed at her. "He passed away. Just like everything else in this city. The funny part is that he wasn't even in the city at the time. He was somewhere else for you." He looked around in the room. "But that never really works, does it?" he smiled. "How did Red do it?" How did he know about Willow? He hadn't been here. Had he talked to someone else? And it sounded like he knew how she was. More than Buffy even knew. Like she was alright now.
"You heard about Willow? Where, how?" Buffy asked confused. A little too confused. The crazy vamp knew more about Buffy's best friend then Buffy herself did. And he hadn't even been around here at that time. "Is it cold in here?" he asked. It was first now Buffy noticed he didn't have his coat. Of course it was in a small box, in the bottom of her closet. She wondered if he ever missed it. He had always been fond of it. It was his sign of being the Big Bad. Maybe he didn't need it anymore. "I wouldn't know, but it seems cold in here. I can see your breath. But not my own, of course. In the beginning I didn't remembered. I couldn't understand. All people have a breath. But then I remembered." His voice turned sad and she could see how he tried to hold the tears back.
She walked toward him. "Spike, it's okay." She said comforting. She didn't know why, but she felt it was somehow her fault. And it was probably best to calm the insane vampire instead of. anything else. She was now close enough to touch him. He still tried to avoid her eyes, but she caught them for a second or two. She gave him a little smile. "Spike, just tell what is wrong. I have time to listen. Tell me what you want." "I tried. to find it." He began. Not sure if he should continue. "Find what? Spike, you're only telling me the end of the story, aren't you?" Buffy was so close to getting impatient. "Spike. What a name, huh?" he grinned. "When you think about the way I got it, the name itself seems pretty harmless. You don't even know half the story." He looked around in the room. "But she does." "Who does? You're confusing me, Spik. uhm. William." Buffy had gotten really impatient. She didn't have so much time to listen before Principle Wood would start asking questions when she once got back. "So it's William now? You know who William is? He's that guy who loved Cecily. Who would do everything for her. Who was beneath her and killed her with nails from the railroad." He looked Buffy in the eyes and she had to step a little back. "I can still feel the warm blood." He noticed the fear in her eyes. "So that's who William really is." He looked down, again avoiding her eyes. "But it's just a name, right? That's not who I am. I wonder who I really am. Should I get a new name? That seems to work for some people. That and 90 years in torture without knowing where to fit in." He smiled painful. "But others do it for love." He sat down on the floor and now it seemed like he was even farther from her than before. "You're not even here." He whispered and started to cry a little. You barely could hear it.
Buffy noticed the lights were out. 'Stupid light ball' she thought, but ignored it again. Should she try to talk more to the crying vampire or keep her job? It was pretty obvious which one she should choose, but she couldn't just leave Spike down here. She could feel something infecting him. There was something down here. The Hellmouth was probably bad to be too close to. She could take him home. It was a bad idea, but what else could she do? Should she talk to Giles first? He would come home today with Willow. So maybe she should get back to work, get him some blood before going home, talk to Giles about it tonight after saying hi to Willow and stuff like that and then she could take it from there. That was a plan. The best and the only. "Listen to me" she avoided to say any of his names. "I'll go to work now, be back with some blood. Tonight I'll talk to Giles and then I'll be back tomorrow morning." "You've never been here, but will come again, then disappear and tell me how we can get through this." He whispered.
"I've only been here once. And I did come back, didn't I? I'll be back later today, trust me." She walked toward him, bent down and kissed him on the cheek. She didn't know why, but she just felt like doing it. She closed the door after her. It's was probably stupid to leave him down here but right now she couldn't think of anything better to do.