Inspired by this post- post/184630841312/answered-a-scam-call-today-and-had-the-most
If this is well received, I would be inclined to continue it. But for now, I'm leaving it as is.
Emma sighed as she flopped down onto the couch, savoring finally being off her feet after a long night in her highest heels, because there was a newbie at the station who insisted on doing everything by the book. Which meant that Emma had had to stay until every single piece of paperwork was filed before she would get paid. And unfortunately, being at the precinct so long meant that she had ready access to mediocre free coffee.
So rather than try to lay in her bed and force herself to sleep, Emma decided to savor the night, or rather early morning. So she opted for some background Netflix radiation, some Youtube scrolling, and a glass of wine.
She was three episodes on netflix, a second glass of wine, and probably fifty "Up Next" videos into her evening when her phone started ringing. She tiredly pulled it from her pocket, not really bothering to look at it as she absentmindedly swiped to answer it, her eyes still watching the "DIY Zipline From Your Balcony" video.
"'Lo?" she mumbled, expecting the office.
"Oh I am so glad we were finally able to reach you, lass!"
Emma was abruptly pulled from her fugue state by a British-accented voice that was definitely not Leroy's. She pulled the phone away from her ear to look at the number.
Cranford, New Jersey
Who the fuck would be calling her from Cranford, New Jersey? Who the fuck would even want to be in a place called Cranford?
She brought the phone back to her ear, "I'm sorry, who is this?"
There was a practiced, easy laugh from the line, "Oh sorry, I thought they warned you we were going to be calling. This is IT. We received a notice that your IP address had been compromised and the higher ups asked us to make sure your computer was secured."
Emma bit her lip to keep her laugh in as she realized exactly what was going on. And because the next video on autoplay was some weird "Turn Your Tampons Into Ring Stands" craft video, she thought that maybe this might offer a bit more entertainment.
And if she like the man's voice, so sue her, it was three in the morning.
So Emma answered, "Did they?"
"Aye," and there it was, she could hear, just under the charming joviality of a well-practiced customer service voice, the ring of victory in his tone. "So if you just want to get to your laptop and get things set up, I'll walk you through it."
"Oh yeah sure, ok." She nodded her head to make sure her voice was just the right tone of gullibly agreeable. "Let me just boot it up."
"Excellent, lass."
She could practically see him rubbing his hands together, cracking them, and then settling above his keyboard, his little hacker den all dark save the green of the code displayed on his computer, a clunky headset on and a half drunk soda next to his stack of porn magazines.
She grinned at the mental image before shaking her head to get the smile off her face. She needed to get into character. She arranged her features a few different times until she found the suitably coy innocent expression that should giver her voice just the right tone to serve her purpose.
Then she put on her best blonde impression as she spoke.
"So like, I don't know all that much about computers. But you guys are calling really late! They must work you all to the bone in IT!" She paused, allowing the boost to flow through the phone and into her would-be IT guy's probably very tiny dick.
"Aye, that they do. The digital world never sleeps and so neither do we." She could tell he bought it by the faux sympathetic and slightly condescending answer. "And don't worry about your inexperience. Just listen to me and I'll hold your hand through the whole thing."
"Oh I'm so glad to hear that. I am always so worried about someone managing to get my information off my computer. I'm so glad you'll help me fix it."
"Oh lass, after I'm through with you, it won't be even a background thought anymore," his tone turned lascivious, and she rolled her eyes. Men were so easy, and she was already bored of this game. And the next video was about "Ten Neat Tricks to Remove a Blood Stain" and that one seemed like it was going to be helpful.
So she just moved in for the kill.
"Just a quick question though," she didn't bother with the faux diction. And she knew he'd noticed because the line was deadly silent for a second.
Then he inquired warily, "….Aye, and that is?"
"Is that honestly the best you could come up with?"
There was another pregnant pause, before, "I don't know what you are referring to lass."
"Is 'I'm your IT guy' really the best one you could come up with? Like if you are going to try and scam someone, at least put some effort into it."
"I'm not trying to scam you lass, I'm trying to fix your laptop," his voice became a little earnest and he started talking more quickly. She could practically smell the sweat beading on his brow. "It's very vulnerable right now and the higher ups have-"
"Bud, I am the higher ups in my job."
"...Ah."
"Yep," she popped the P with immense satisfaction. "Also, three in the morning? Really?"
"Well you are awake too, so I feel like you can't be throwing stones on that score, love."
She blinked as the accent abruptly turned throater and more like a growl, a thick Irish brogue that no longer carried the faux pleasantry of a service call, but rather an indignant irritation. She popped an eyebrow.
"I'm sorry, I'm calling you out on your bullshit scam attempt and you are criticizing my sleeping schedule?"
There was another pause, before he mumbled, "I'm just sayin'."
Emma's lips twitched, "Right. Well Mr. 'I'm just saying,' I'm going to hang up now so I can watch my video on "Ten Neat Tricks to Remove a Blood Stain."
"I'm sorry, what?" there was a sudden sharpness to his voice, and it took Emma a second to figure out why. She must have had more wine than she thought, because the moment she did, she burst out laughing.
"Oh!... No….. It's not…. Oh my god….It's…... that's hilarious," she couldn't stifle her laughing enough to get a full sentence out.
"Lass?" his voice growled in a warning tone, frustration evident in his tone.
"Sorry, sorry," she wiped her eyes as she managed to slowly subdue her chuckles. "I just…. Oh god, this is hilarious….. I was watching a Youtube video on penguins a few hours ago, and somehow ended up on the DYI channel. I mean the last video was on DYI crafts with tampons so…." She broke off into another set of errant giggles.
"Oh." There was another long pause. "Erm, my apologies lass. I.. um … didn't-" his voice now sounded chagrined and extremely uncomfortable.
Emma cleared her throat to chase away the last of her laughter, before she continued with a broad smile, "And you have to admit there is a certain bit of irony that the dude who called me at three in the morning to try and scam me out of my money is making moral judgements on my character."
"...Right. Point taken."
"Ok Mr. Scam Man-" she snorted at herself, "I would really like to return to my bottle of wine now so I'll bid you a good night. Good luck with your next calls…. I guess. Come up with something better though. Like not even someone's grandma would fall for that."
"Alas, love, you'd be quite astounded at how many people are not a clearly discerning as you. And, um…... before you go, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
She shrugged, not really thinking about it. There was another pause. "Did you just ...shrug at me?" he asked incredulously.
"Yeah," she nodded, repeated the action to demonstrate.
"Love, you do realize that you are still talking on the phone right?" now his voice was affectionately amused.
"Oh, right." The adrenaline and caffeine crash that she'd been waiting on suddenly slammed into her full force, and she let out a huge yawn. "Sorry, 'Scuse me. Seems like my day's finally catchin' up with me." She mumbled to herself, before remembering that he'd wanted to ask her something. "So go ahead Mr. Scam Man- shoot."
The line was quiet again for a moment, before the man asked his question.
"I just… why did you answer the phone if you knew it was a scam call?"
"Well, I dinin at first, thought you were the office."
"Then why did you play along?"
She shrugged again, "Dunno. Bored, I guess. Thought it'd be funny 'cause you were probly e'cpetin an old granny or somethin to pick up. So better luck tomorrow, I guess."
"Would you pick up the phone tomorrow if I tried to scam you again?"
Her brow furrowed, her tired mind not quite making sense of the question.
"Uh no, probably not. I mean, I guess you could try? Like, it's your life, can't tell you what to do. But like, if you do, you need to make it better."
He gave a quiet laugh and she couldn't help but smile along with it, "I thought you just said that you couldn't tell me what to do, love?"
"Oh. Well consider it a professional recommendation. One con to another or something like that." Her brow furrowed, something off about her comment, but, "God I'm too tired for this."
There was another gentle laugh, "Then you best get yourself to bed love. Make sure to drink some water before you go, maybe take a few Advil. Wine can give you an awful headache the morning after."
"Wine's not the only thing," she muttered.
A surprised, delighted laugh jarred her slightly back into higher awareness. "Aye, I'm sure that's true as well." He gave another chuckle. "I'll let you sleep now love. Drink some water. And…" she actually heard him swallow. "Sleep deeply and dream well tonight."
"That's an odd turn of phrase."
"Aye, but I get the feeling that you don't get either very often, so….. I truly hope you do tonight. Good night love."
The call ended with a soft click.
Emma pulled her phone away to stare at the now dark screen, before asking the empty air around her, "What the fuck was that?"