For those of you unfamiliar with PWP, lucky you.
21st Century America (yes you read right- America(!?)
Swaying my hips suggestively I gazed into the lustful eyes of Glorfindel, I felt a shudder run through me as he pulled my body closer, his hard erection pressed against my body. Pulling my eyes away from the stunning Vanya (?!) I gazed around the room. Everywhere I looked, elves were getting down 'n' dirty with mortal women. Not really surprising as it is well known that elves are consumed with lust when presented with even the ugliest woman.
It is very simple really, I know what you're all thinking! Tolkien would die if he read this!
You see, it has recently come to light that 'prophet' Tolkien tragically misinterpreted the scrolls composed by the English mariner Ælfwine during his sojourn in Tol Eressëa
Despite Tolkien implicitly stated that Elves were a chaste race and 'Acts of lust were never committed, even during the most evil days of The Eldar'- Laws and Customs of the Eldar, this is a tragic mistake as the passage originally read as follows-
'Elves must have sex at least six times a day, preferably with a mortal woman. If a woman is unavailable, it is perfectly acceptable to take Man, Elf or Beast to your bed. Orgies are actively encouraged'- Laws and Customs of the Horny Fanwoman'
Instead of stating that if the elves lingered too long in the world of man, their Fea would devour their Hroa, leaving them nothing more than shadow, which is where the tradition of Faeries sprang from, he should have written an entire chapter emphasising the fact that elves can live for an eternity as long as they have a plentiful supply of women to bang (this does not apply to elleths- too much of a distraction)
"Come my dear, I can wait not longer to have you" Glorfindel purred in my ear, causing heat to pool between my legs.
Insert disturbing and vom inducing sex scene involving lots of screaming, S&M, and a foursome with Elladan and Elrohir...
...If only my husband had a libido...
...If only I was attractive enough to have an affair...
...Oh well, I've always got Haldir et al...