FINDING FATE
You know very early that you love her. You, the man who never so much as considered giving his heart to any of the numerous women who had shared your bachelor bed. Of course, you can't tell her. Even if she sees past the Robocop persona with somewhat-embarrassing ease, you still play on your Scouse scally act. The hard man with a heart to match.
Sometimes, you catch her watching you across the office. She can play the game as well as you can, affect a complete lack of interest the moment your eyes meet, but you can feel her soft gaze on you. Her long, elegant fingers, whose touch can soothe you instantly, play with the golden ringlets that she tries so hard to tame and straighten. And for a brief moment, you imagine what a diamond would look like on that pale skin.
You mentally slap yourself and leap from your desk before any further imagination can invade you. There's a reason why you're straight-talking and rough on fools and there's no way you're going to start drifting round like a distracted fairy, just because you might be a little a bit in love with Claire Stanton.
Or even because you are definitely, absolutely, very much in love with Claire Stanton.
That evening, she's on your doorstep before you even have time to change. The days of ripping each other's clothes off in the hallway have finally ceased, which Claire claims is saving her a fortune in replacement tights, and you are both at ease to curl up on the sofa. Her head rests on your shoulder, hand caressing your chest. She likes to feel your heartbeat, seeks out the comfort of your strong arms with a complete lack of self-consciousness that stirs your protective instincts like the raging bear she is trying to teach you not to be.
You are not a man who believes in fate. When you grow up on the rough streets of inner-city Liverpool, you learn the hard way that you create your own path in life, whatever it may be. You've never been sentimental: even here, in the flat you love and find sanctuary within, only a few personal photos are visible. Shots of rugby teams past and present, Hendon portraits, even a CID night out decorate various walls but visitors have to look hard to find a glimpse of your brother, your young nephews in Australia. You've never felt the need to display your privacy for all to see, any more than you've trusted in any type of destiny.
All of which makes it even stranger that you've come to understand, with a certainty you can neither ignore nor deny, that something has brought you and Claire together. Her arrival in your controlled, determined life has filled in the missing piece you hadn't even realised existed. Whatever it was that wasn't quite right before, so subtle that it was never really obvious, has been dispelled by her presence. Her warmth, her easy affection, the way she never so much as raises an eyebrow if you're grouchy with a hangover or riled after losing a rugby match, comfort you more than you're prepared to admit.
There's no act needed with Claire. She can see right through you, with such ease that you should be annoyed at the suggestion of such personal transparency. But you can't be annoyed, because it feels like she is the first person who has ever truly understood you. And you've opened up to her in a way you have never done since you left those dilapidated Liverpool terraces behind. Let her understand what made you like you are. Why you've feared letting anyone get too close; why you struggle to trust. You've seen tears gleam in her eyes as you've told her about the bastard alcoholic you once called Dad, about the beatings your loyal mother took as she tried to protect her sons. You've seen anger spark in the bright blue when you've talked about begging neighbours for a bit of food, why it's made you refuse to ever rely on anyone else. It's given you the courage to keep talking, to accept that she deserves to know everything. You don't want to keep secrets from her.
She understands. She who grew up in wealthy suburbia with professional parents, a private education and two foreign holidays a year, somehow gets you. And she just accepts it. She doesn't try to change you or put a different slant on your past. She just holds you close and tells you don't have to be alone, and at night when you wake up soaked in sweat, shaking uncontrollably, and you can't even explain why, the warmth of her body against yours calms you back to sleep.
For you, there is no stronger way she could show her love. Loyalty has always been your strongest motivation but you have long since accepted that you don't find it in many other people. And as you lie there, this strong, beautiful woman curled in your embrace, you know this is for real.
Fate has brought you to Claire Stanton and already you can't imagine your life without her. You have never been the clingy type – that would involve too much emotion – but you have come to hate spending even one night without her by your side. In these few short months, she has become part of you. Your better half, she insists with that big smile that never fails to make you grin back.
You're so happy you're almost scared. Scared that this could all fall apart and there will nothing, ever again, that will make you feel this content and secure and loved.
But for now, you put that fear aside. Bury it deep, to be ignored. Because, whatever this is, wherever it leads, you don't want to waste a moment of it.