I'd Rather Be Watching Jeopardy

Summary: Ethel had been around the block- 89 years will do that to a body. She didn't expect to be reborn, especially in a world she vaguely remembered from her grandson's t.v. on the rare visits to the retirement home. Wasn't there something about magical babies? -Eh, she was a grown woman and didn't need no plot. (OC-reborn into Haru)

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

Trigger warnings: Brief mention of homophobia in this chapter, character death (duh?) and callous reaction to death.

Chapter 1: There Are Worse Ways to Die

Some people get confused if the sentence doesn't end as they potato. That's kind of how she felt at the moment.

The last thing Ethel remembered was eating lunch at the retirement home. Well, for a given value of remembered. There wasn't a lot that she remembered nowadays. She was old, that sort of thing could be forgiven. But where was she? Oh, yes. Retirement home. Lunch. Something about pudding? She wished she could have regular pudding instead of this sugar free crap. Doctors wouldn't let her. The doctors like to hear themselves talk. Sometimes mindlessly staring at the floor was more interesting than their babble. That probably didn't help in their assessments of her, but fuck it. She was a grown woman, and didn't need no doctors.

She'd keep the sugar-free pudding cups though. Those were surprisingly tasty. It seemed like forever since she'd last had some decent pudding.

Actually, speaking of doctors, now that she thought about it, didn't she have one near her before she ended up... wherever this was? Cheapskates didn't feel the need to turn on the lights or switch the bulbs in here. It was way too dark, in her opinion.

Oh well. As long as it didn't interfere with her programs. Jeopardy was supposed to be on soon. Her fingers were itching to cross "lunch" off of her to-do list, though.

Now where was she again, and why was it so cold?

"Hello?" Cheryl Ono answered the phone distractedly.

Her son was trying to convince her that he had already finished his homework (her mother senses were tingling that it was a load of bull), and her daughter was trying to climb up the counter to reach a package of Oreos. Thankfully, her wife Haru had taken over the pan with the spinach and garlic in it before it burned, otherwise they wouldn't have anything to go with the lamb on the grill and bread in the oven.

"Mrs. Ono? -This is Charlie Renner from Autumn Leaves Retirement Home. I'm afraid I have some bad news for you and your family."

Cheryl paused for a moment. Her shoulders shuddered, and then she blurted out, "Is she dead?"

There was an awkward silence from the phone. Finally, there was a cough. "Um. Yes. Your mother passed away almost an hour ago. I'm sorry for your loss."

Even though it was loud in the kitchen (Haru was stirring the spinach while trying to convince Emi that no, Oreos were not an acceptable appetizer and Alex was banging every book in his backpack against the countertop in protest of doing his work), her mind had blocked it all out. There was silence. There was clarity of thought and the words, "Thank god," slipped out.

Now the silence on the other end of the phone was judgemental, instead of merely uncomfortable.

"I mean, thank goodness she isn't suffering anymore. Um." Cheryl tried to think of what might need to be done, and how not to sound like even more of a heel than she just did. "Thank you for letting me know. Is there anything that needs to be taken care of right away?" Morbidly, she added, "How did she die?" At those words, everyone in the kitchen froze and stared at her. She waved her hands to show that she had everything under control, and they went back to what they were doing (albeit more quietly, in order to eavesdrop).

Although still judgemental, Charlie clearly sounded more comfortable with the subject change. "Well, you need to swing on by and collect her things. Her funeral needs to be arranged, and her will needs to be activated. Aside from that, the head of staff can discuss things with you more in depth when you get here."

It didn't escape her notice that the subject of her mother's death had been avoided. "How did she die?" Cheryl repeated.

"There isn't kind way to say this," the voice on the phone warned her. "Are you sure you don't want to hear this in person?"

"Yes." She was sure. She needed to know.

"Your mother's airways were obstructed during lunch, and we were unable to effectively clear them," Charlie said somberly.

"She was on a liquid diet! How could she choke to death?!" Cheryl exclaimed.

"She, ah, managed to, um, appropriate some food from the person sitting next to her. Upon swallowing, some of it, ah, ended up in her lungs, causing her to... choke." There was the sound of some shuffling papers.

"It was pudding, wasn't it," Cheryl flatly stated.

The silence on the other end didn't refute it.

Cheryl sighed. "I'll be in first thing tomorrow morning to settle her affairs. Is that alright?"

"More than fine. Again, I'm sorry for your loss. If you or your family wants, we do have counseling services available. Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Cheryl clicked off the phone, and ran her hand through her short blonde hair. She sighed, looked at her wife and said, "Well, we don't have to support the Wicked Witch of the West anymore. We might be able to take that vacation you wanted anyway."

Haru face twisted in half-joy, half-despair. "I know it's wrong of me, but-"

Cheryl hugged her tightly. "I know. Me too. It was Mom's choice to cut ties, and I wouldn't trade you or the kids for the world. I love you." Haru gave her a small smile and pecked her lips.

"Ewww! Mama's kissing mom in the kitchen again!" Alex whined halfheartedly.

Cheryl grinned. "Does that mean you want mama and mommy to kiss you in the kitchen instead, buster?" Alex's eyes widened dramatically as he shook his head frantically.

It was so cute how he was trying to defend his masculine pride at the extremely old age of twelve.

As the sounds of her family surrounded her, Cheryl took a brief moment to think about her mom. How her mom had been there for her when she was small, but how she had retracted her love when she found out Cheryl had met the love of her life in another woman. She thought of how the Alzheimers had made her mean, and say things that almost shattered her self-esteem. She thought of the medical bills that the combination of the nursing home, insulin, and medicine for her mom's thyroid pills caused. She sighed, and let it all go.

Ethel had left Cheryl's life a long time ago. Death didn't really change much, except for lowering the bills.

In another world, a young couple beamed at their doctor as they found out that in a few months, they'd be adding to their small family.

They had no idea how strange that addition would end up being.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. ~Attributed to George Carlin

Next Chapter: You Gave Me the Worst Name Ever