August 14, 2015

An epiphany, (a moment of sudden intuitive understanding; flash of insight). That's what she was having; a clear, concise, painfully humiliating, soul wrecking, mind numbing epiphany. It came to her in waves of disjointed images initially, and then emerged as a detailed video play back in living Technicolor of the last twelve months of her life. It began when she clumsily stumbling into his office, followed by his surprise visit to her job, the photo shoot, the muffin, and then the contract. It was that damn contract that ultimately led to the pain, humiliation, and debasement that no amount of pleasure could ever over-ride. The emotions the images evoked were so sickening that bile rose in her throat followed by violent eruption of her lunch and dinner in the nearest waste basket. She felt cold and clammy and disgusted. Yes, she had been inexperienced in life, romance, especially sex, but she thought she was in love and she wanted him. Oh how she had wanted him. Dark and mysterious, beyond sexy, the embodiment of maleness; the sight of him, the scent of him, caused her near genius mind to malfunction and short circuit. She agreed to become "his" hoping that he would become hers. However, becoming his came at a price. The contract, gave him control over all aspects her life, affectively forsaking the life she had known before him right down to when she ate and how much she exercised, even hygiene and birth control. No more male friends or going out with Kate, celebrating birthdays and holidays with family. No more time just to be. Every time she was late or crossed a line she didn't even know existed, it was viewed as an act of defiance, an act to be punished.

Her entire existence revolved around him. When they were not together she was to check in and she was regularly monitored. He cared about her well being. They negotiated some of the harsher aspects of the contract allowing for reevaluation if the initial three months was extended. She held fast to no fire, water sports, blood, fisting, anal of any kind, and only allowing spanking with his hand or a small paddle.

With the exception of the first time when he had taken her virginity, the sex had been mostly rough, sometimes painful, and sometimes cruel; using her body and soul to exorcise the demons that would possess him. He praised her at the end of the first three months, telling her well she pleased him that her body responded so well to his touch, that her training was going well, and that she was special and superior to others that had participated in the life style far longer. He had been charming and seductive. She had been thrilled that she pleased him and eager to make him happy. She loved him. When the contract was renewed, she'd relented to include the harsher elements of punishments including canes and belts. He was creative and patient. He could spend hours elaborately trussing her up so that her body, was suspended from the ceiling at a level so that her mouth, breasts, and sex were exposed and easily accessible and she was vulnerable. For her birthday, he gifted her with countless mind blowing orgasms blind folded and shackled to his Saint Andrews cross. She would rather have roses and chocolate. There were weeks when it was painful to pee and welts crisscrossed her back and thighs. When he was particularly stressed, he might summon her to his study and without preamble ram into her bent over and holding her ankles or have her kneel while he roughly fucked her mouth or both and then dismiss her. On more than a few occasions she'd rushed to the pent house on her lunch hour where Ana was ordered to disrobe and masturbate while he ejaculated on her breasts. She was his to use and she never used a safe word. But it was after these incidents that she would rush to her room, violently ill, vomiting his semen, wiping it from her lips vowing this was the last time. Tomorrow she would leave. Allowing him to fuck and punish her was not "winning" the coveted prize of his love. As if reading her mind, he would enter her room, draw a bath, message her with strong sensual hands, tuck her in bed with a soft kiss to the temple and lay with her until she fell into a fitful sleep." Ana", he purred, "I am so grateful to have you. You help me relieve so much stress, you bring me comfort". In these moments she almost believed that maybe, just maybe he could and would love her.

She had not seen Master in five days though they had been in contact through text and email. He had agreed to let her go. She was in Savannah visiting with her mother. Carla was very ill. In fact she was dying. The doctors had given her a week at best and this was day five. Tomorrow was not promised. Her Mother drifted in and out of consciousness. With the sun disappearing from the Seattle skyline, she was sleeping peacefully. Ana replayed their earlier conversation, one of the few lucid talks they'd shared over the last few days. "Ana, sweetheart, you don't look happy and that's all I want for you baby girl. You, my dear sweet girl, deserve at least that. I know I haven't been the best roll model but I want you to find someone who will love, appreciate, cherish, and respect you. When a man shows you how ugly he can be, believe him. Don't think you can change him. How can you expect to do what his mother and the good lord failed to do? I know that the sadness in your eyes is not just because of me. I've heard it in your voice the last few months and I've seen it in your eyes. I've seen the bruises Ana. No, don't talk, just listen to me. The light in your eyes has dimmed a bit. I don't want it to fade completely. Promise me that you will be true to yourself. Promise me that you will be happy and surround yourself with friends that will lift you up, encourage you and make you smile. My dear sweet flower, you have a wonderful life a head of you and you haven't begun to bloom. I love you so much my Ana."

What had her mother seen? What did she know? Ana couldn't stand the thought that her mother would die believing her only daughter was in an abusive relationship. She saw sorrow, pity, and something else in her mother's eyes. Was it shame? It was that conversation that led to her epiphany. Her mother and step father would be mortified and disappointed to know that their only child, their princess was essentially a sex slave. They had raised her to be confident, self assured, to respect her body, and to make smart choices. She certainly knew what love was and this arrangement wasn't it, not by a long shot.

Ana needed a plan, a way out, a new start, a fresh start. At only 22, she knew that there was plenty of time to get it right, get her life back on track and to put this lapse in judgment behind her. She wondered how she allowed this to happen.

Ana had been a straight A student at the University, graduating with honors. Boys sought her out because she was beautiful, or least that is what she was told, and girls liked her for her honesty and loyalty. Though quiet and shy, her ready smile and thoughtfulness made her popular.

She had plenty of time to think while her mother lay in a morphine induced sleep. Her heart was heavy with pain of her impending loss. Carla wouldn't be there to see her marry and raise a family. That thought alone widened the gaping, aching hole in her chest. The shameful life she was living filled that hole with guilt and remorse. What would Carla and her step dad Ray think if they knew that she traded loveless, rough, demeaning sex for an allowance of 50,000 a month, expensive gifts and the hope that her Master would some day return her love?. The jewelry alone was worth more than the home she was raised in. It didn't matter that she hadn't spent any of the money or worn the jewelry often. That too, was had been a reason for punishment. Ana had never been a materialistic girl, perusing fashion magazines but Master insisted on seeing her in Chanel and Prada. Once, she had arrived early for her Friday appointment. It was casual Friday at work, so she was in jeans and converse sneakers. Once in the playroom he had asked why she insisted on defying him at every turn. He'd spent thousands on improving her wardrobe only for her to disrespectfully show up in college era tee shirt and jeans. Those jeans were creatively incorporated into that weekend's punishment. Needless to say, he never saw her in jeans again. In her parent's eyes, she had failed them. She felt like a whore, no better than the girls working a corner. Her parents would share the burden of her choices and that thought had silent tears streaming down her face.

Some time during the early morning of the sixth day, Carla died. She simply exhaled one last time. Ray arrived while Ana was napping at her mother's bed side. She was inconsolable. Shaking so violently, her step dad feared she would break in two. His strong arms held the only child he had ever known as she cried for the loss of her mother, the future they would never have, and the girl who had lost her way.

She contacted Sir informing him of her mother's death and funeral arrangements. Why she felt compelled to inform him troubled her. Everything was on auto pilot. It was really a simple matter of confirming everything with the funeral home. Carla already made her wishes known so the only thing Ana had to do was set the day and time. Her benevolent Master agreed to give her another week without consequence. He was very generous. She would not be returning to that life. The only items in his penthouse in the clouds were purchased by him. She wanted nothing to remind her of the darkest time in her life. She could go back to her life, her friends, and maybe one day find the love she deserved. After all, she was recently promoted to senior editor at Seattle Independent Publishing. Her career was on the rise and she loved Seattle. In spite of the grief, she is hopeful.

The graveside service was simple but beautiful. Ana was surprised at the number of genuine friends Carla had. They were an eclectic bunch that called themselves 'The Bookends', all wearing the pink ribbon pins in support of their friend. They hugged Ana, held her hands, kissed her cheek or forehead, offering their support and spoke of the love they had for Carla. It was overwhelming. She suddenly felt a calming and reassuring hug from behind. She turned to look into the face of her best and oldest friend Kate Kavanaugh. She missed her friend, one that she had all but abandoned nearly 12 months ago. Even though they had barely spoken since she signed the contract, Kate had been the first person she'd called when her mom died. They didn't say much. They didn't need to. Kate listened as her friend cried over the phone and gave Ana comfort through her silence. And now she was here for her friend. Kate was leaving later in the day but they promised to have lunch next week. This was a promise Ana had every intention of keeping. "You better Steele" Kate huffed in true Kavanaugh fashion. "I promise Katie Kat" sniffed Ana. "It's been way too long." With a final wave Kate left for the airport.

Ana had a few plans for the next few days. She would have most meals with Ray until he returned home. She was so grateful he was there for her even though he and Carla had been divorced for ten years. Ana had to see about the house and Carla's business affairs. A knock on the door surprised her. It was only 8 AM but she had been awake for hours wallowing in grief and disgust. A gentleman dressed in true Savannah fashion, a light gray seersucker suit with a crisp white shirt complete with requisite white bow tie stood at her door. "Miss Steele, I am Luscious Fremantle esq., estate lawyer" he said offering his hand and a business card. Ana stammered, "yes, yes umm what can I do for you?" Well, I'm here to discuss your mothers' estate. I am so sorry for your loss. My wife and I were quite fond of Carla. Would you mind if I come in"? Luscious asked. "Of course Mr. Fremantle"'Ana said remembering her manners. Through the fog, she remembered her southern upbringing, Ana offered him coffee. She quickly returned to the stylish, comfortable living room with coffee and little cakes from one of the neighbors. She absently considered all of the food in the fridge and freezer. She would never eat it all in just a few days. Maybe Ray should just eat here instead of spending money at a restaurant.

"Now, Mr. Fremantle, what did you want to discuss with me"?

August 22, 2015

Ana sat nervously in Christian Grey's home office. This was the first time she paid attention to the well appointed space. With floor to ceiling windows and dark wood furniture, it was as imposing as the man himself. Christian was surprised and angry to find his favorite submissive waiting in his office uninvited. He would allow her leeway this once because she was still grieving.

Christian spoke quietly but with authority, "Anastasia, you know you are not allowed in this room without permission". I will forgive you this once. I am sorry for your loss. Death unfortunately does not discriminate. Is there is a reason you are not in your room awaiting my instruction"? It was said with calm, but a warning tone. He eyed his pet and played the scene he planned for them this evening in his mind. He would be gentle with her coaxing orgasm after orgasm to help her relax and relieve the stress from the last few weeks. He was a thoughtful Dom.

Iron clad resolve flowed through her blood. "Mr. Grey, she started softly yet firmly, "I am ending this arrangement. It is not for me. Thank you for the opportunity, almost chocking on the word, to explore my sexuality. The lessons learned are unforgettable. I will of course honor our NDA and I wish you well." Ana had been looking just over the top of his head but now her gaze went to his eyes. For a moment the gray eyes she loved turned molten with the rage she had come to recognize. What she saw was surprise, anger and something else that caused her to momentarily shiver. "Again thank you for everything".

"Well Anastasia, I am very rarely surprised, but I did not see this coming "he said with a small smirk playing on his lips. His voice now dangerously low "You should reconsider Anastasia. We are good together. Do you need another weekend to get your mothers affairs in order? Is it the money? I can double your allowance if that is what it will take. Of course we will need to revisit your hard limits and increase the days you are here but it is doable." Christian was practically giddy at the possibility of finally claiming all of her.

"Mr. Grey", she said as she stood to leave, your offer is very generous but it is time for me to move on. Our time together has been...memorable. I've learned a lot about myself. Right now, I need to focus on me and my career".

"Thank you for everything". And with that she was out the door.

Christian was disappointed and saddened. He knew this day would come, in fact he was surprised his little pet had lasted this long. She claimed to be in love with him and he had taken full advantage of that, training her to be everything he wanted in a submissive. A virgin submissive was priceless and he appreciated her willingness to please him. She was not really a submissive though. He doubted she would ever return to his lifestyle. The gifts, the car, the money meant nothing to her. She wanted him and he had given all he had to offer. He would give his good friend Elena a call when he returned from Taiwan.

Ana longed for the return of normalcy. As promised, she had lunch with Kate filling her in on her failed relationship only alluding to it having been abusive, leaving out names. Kate was supportive. "Steele, I am so very sorry you had to go through that but I am proud of you. A lot of women don't leave and blame everything on themselves. Tell me his name and I'll make him scream for his mama"! They laughed until tears rolled down their cheeks. It felt good, a temporary reprieve from the misery that followed her.

They talked about their careers, friends, and families. Her job was going well and she was highly thought of at SIP. It felt good to not have to live in fear of crossing an imaginary line. Her days were filled with meeting new authors, lunch with friends, shopping with Kate and talking to Ray. She didn't date. She couldn't. What if she made another mistake? She certainly lacked the ability to make sound decisions when it came to men. Her nights were long and dark. Sleep, what there was of it, was tormented by nightmares. She would wake up screaming in agony from the lick of the cane, sometimes counting each time it hit her body. These nightmares would often morph into her mother turning away from her in tears. Ana would cry for hours holding her knees and slowly rock herself back to sleep. She was exhausted because she was afraid to go back to sleep.