AN: This story is definitely something outside of my comfort zone in a variety of ways, so don't expect too much out of it! It's purely experimental, but I hope you enjoy it, regardless.
Disclaimer: I don't own Love Live! School Idol Project.
Spilled Ink
Dear Friend,
It is hard to see something decorated so nicely on the outside without being curious if there is something equally as gorgeous on the inside.
And it is because of this exact principle that I can't stop looking at the pretty girl in the courtyard.
I can't even tell if she is pretty or just plain hot, to be honest? She has a kind of grace to her that, if I ever had the pleasure of seeing her in a gown, would definitely resonate nothing short of beauty. But sometimes, when I catch her smirking at a friend of hers, I get a little flustered. It's hot.
Jeez, that sounds really weird, right? I'm not a stalker, I promise. I just glance occasionally when I'm walking between buildings during lunch hour.
Ugh, I glance a lot, actually. It's okay, you're not real anyway, so it doesn't matter and you can't judge me. I'm the only one seeing this.
But you understand what I'm saying, right, friend?
I can't tell anyone about this.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
Okay, that last entry ended on a really dramatic note. What I meant by what I said was that I can't let anyone really know that I'm… into girls.
It's not that I'm ashamed of it! It's just that Super Idol Nico Yazawa has to have a sense of mysterious allure for her future career! I need to keep the crowd on their toes.
Alright, maybe I just don't want it to be harder to make friends than it already is. It's not that there aren't open minded people around, it's just that you never know who they are, if that makes sense? I would rather wait until college to start being more open. Plus, I only really have one friend and she is just going to bug me about the courtyard girl if she gets any kind of inkling of what is going on in my head. She has a weird sixth sense of some sort – her name is Nozomi.
She is scary, don't trust that smile.
But I guess she's trustworthy… I just don't want to deal with the teasing. I get enough of that.
Time for class, catch ya' later.
Nico Nico Nii~
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
I just found out that courtyard girl is a freshman! Why the hell is she so tall?!
Okay, I'm guessing you want to know how I found out? Well, it had nothing to do with me being brave and suave, I can promise you that. Although, I definitely could be! Don't doubt my true skills; they're just latent and waiting to explode with potential!
So, almost by some sick slap of karma, Nozomi questioned me right after that last entry? She said she saw me from a window looking over at the freshman's group of friends. But how she guessed which one I was referring to was kind of scary. I mean, there's a total of three girls in that group. I've never even mentioned to her that I like girls, either!
But yeah, she brought me to the student council room and showed me that this girl is in the science club. I did not know someone so hot could be such a damned nerd.
And, no, I did not ask to see her files. Nozomi literally just offered them to me and, well, I could not resist.
Her name is Maki Nishikino.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
Sorry, it has been about a week since I last wrote. I was feeling too embarrassed, too guilty.
The day after that last entry, I ended up staying at school a little longer than usual. I usually walk home, so imagine my surprise when I see Maki a little further ahead when I start heading in the direction of my house! I didn't know she stayed at school so late. I know it is totally normal to be a person walking behind another person by coincidence, but I felt really awkward anyway because I know her…
Life is hard when you have the hots for an underclassman. Where does she get off being so pretty? And purple eyes? Unreal.
That's it, I've cracked the code. She's actually a robot – nice. I'm into a Mecha-Maki cyborg.
Joking aside, the reason I felt so guilty was because, since she was farther ahead, I kind of stayed a bit behind. I didn't want her to notice me that much, but we were basically walking in the same direction. But along the way I had to pass her because she ended up stopping to pet a stray kitten!
And I don't know, something about the way she looked was so mature and peaceful and beautiful! I think my steps ended up becoming as fast as my heartbeat when she stood up. I was probably much further down by the time she even realized I was on the street as well.
And I felt bad because I'm writing about this girl who doesn't even know me behind her back, you know? She looks like she has good intentions, and I don't want to belittle her to just being an object of my affections. She deserves better than that.
And she definitely deserves better than me.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
She caught me looking at her today and I literally exerted more energy into running for the door than I've put into my entire life.
Nico Nico Natural.
Jeez, I'm such an idiot.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
I wish you were more than just a journal page. I could have really used a hand today.
Walking across the courtyard as I usually do (and, okay, maybe looking over at a certain girl and distracting myself), I accidentally fell and scraped my knee. Did it hurt? Yes. Did it hurt enough that I should be taken to the infirmary? Absolutely not!
Little did I know that Maki is also a nurse's aide at school.
Should I take pleasure in the fact that she and I walked together for a solid four minutes? Is it quite possible that I purposely walked slower and blamed it on the scrape just so I can get more time with her? Did I say literally not a single word to her and probably make her feel awkward?
Well, friend, the unfortunate answer to all – yes, all – of those questions is a resounding yes.
I heard her voice for the first time, though. It's really nice, ugh. When we got to the infirmary, all she really said was, "here we are, the nurse should be in." And then she left because of classes, of course.
But in that short sentence, I could tell that her voice is really pretty, too! Everything about her is perfect, isn't it? Why are you doing this to me, life?
I'm being an overdramatic high schooler. She seems so much cooler than me! I'm her senpai, damn it, even if she doesn't know it. I need to be the composed and mature one.
Maki Nishikino will not steal away my dignity!
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
Jeez, I almost panicked. You fell in the courtyard earlier today but, luckily, Nozomi found you! She promises that she didn't touch you aside from picking you up, but I'm not so sure I trust that. She said she was interested in opening you, though, but I refused pretty quickly. Then again, she doesn't seem to need to snoop in order to know everything about what's going on in my head.
Seriously, what the hell is with her, anyway?
I won't lose you again, don't worry.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
Today was a rainy day. I admit, I kind of looked out the window a few times during class as though the weather would disappear and Maki would reappear in the courtyard.
It's strange to be really aware of how silly my feelings are along with the way I express them and still manage to continue acting this way? I mean, it's just some girl. I don't really know her that well; just that she is really pretty and apparently very nerdy. Or, rather, she is very intelligent. Nozomi mentioned – in passing – that she is apparently a top student.
I wish I were a little smarter by nature. Maybe I could indulge her in some complicated and mature debate or something in order to start talking to her. I'm not that great with academics, though…
I could work a little harder at school, I guess.
Not for her, though, duh.
For me.
Maybe.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
I just want to get to know her better.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
I'm sorry that it's been a while since I last wrote in you. A month kind of flies by when you're busy, though, you know? Mom started getting longer hours while a coworker was on vacation, which automatically translates to me having to help around the house and kids a lot more. I don't mind – after all, I'm used to it, of course – but it's been a little hard to balance school on top of that.
Remember that last entry where I mentioned maybe trying my hand at doing better in school? Well, let's just say I haven't gone back on that quite yet. It's been harder because of the family stuff, but I've been doing a lot better little by little. And it has kind of distracted me from my feelings?
Not that my feelings were bad, but focusing on my work and being constantly busy at home has sort of numbed the obsessing, I guess? Was it obsessing? I hope not, that's pretty creepy.
I still look over when I pass the courtyard, though. Maki is breathtaking, really. I heard recently that her family is loaded, too.
I kind of hope she's okay.
After all, she seems to have everything going for her? Looks, grades, and wealth? Seems like the perfect package. But, from experience as a super fabulous idol-to-be, I know that no one can have everything. There is no way that her life is completely vacant of negative things, which is probably a super pessimistic thing of me to say. But it's something I genuinely believe.
And I want her to be okay.
It's weird to never have spoken to someone yet have such a high opinion of them. I really like to think she's pretty lovely? I don't think she's an angel; I've seen some pretty grumpy expressions on her face before. But she still manages to make them look really cute. That is, at least from afar.
How can I have a crush on someone I've never spoken a word to?!
She probably thinks I'm weird and shy and socially inept from when I scraped my knee.
Anyway, yeah, I've been catching up in school! Nozomi has been off my back with the stuff with Maki and she has congratulated me on my good test grades. I'm starting to feel a lot more comfortable with her as a friend. She kind of accidentally ripped a hole in my bag the other day, though. I keep forgetting to fix it or get a new bag, but I've just been really busy with home and everything else. But it's fine, I'm not mad at her. She helps me study sometimes, too.
I've always appreciated the way you listen to me, friend. Even if you never give me feedback, I still consider you the best listener in the world.
You're also pretty durable, not gonna' lie. You've fared fairly well against puddles.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
I've been pretty clumsy lately, and it's almost scary. I've stumbled and tripped along the courtyard path a few times this past week. Nozomi says that destiny is trying to set me up, but I think that's just her excuse to be able to use the literal reason that I'm "falling" in love.
Loser; as if.
Anyway, the rain has been letting up! Have I mentioned that the rainy season has been intense? Sorry, I probably forgot. But, yeah, it looks like the warm sun is finally making a comeback.
I am really grateful for the sunny days ahead.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
Okay, so I'm kind of panicking. This probably feels weird to you since I'm writing to you on notebook paper, but I had no other choice.
I lost the journal.
I don't know where it is, and I'm literally freaking out. I kind of hope none of my siblings found it lying on the ground in the house or anything, because I don't even know how I feel about my family knowing that I like girls. It could have fallen on the way home from school, but I'm not too sure since I lost it sometime between yesterday morning and this afternoon.
I'm going to stay after school and look for it.
I'll find you soon, friend.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Friend,
There are no words that can accurately convey how I am feeling. So, Nico is going to have to give you an objective review of today's events. Why am I speaking in third person – why do I do that at all? Get it together, Nico. Wait, damn it.
Okay, so here is what happened after school yesterday.
Well, my journal must have fallen out of that very fateful rip in my backpack as I was walking across the courtyard. I don't think I was walking at a drastically different pace, but apparently you managed to escape somehow.
As I was walking out of the building after giving up my search, guess who struts up to me all serious and lustrous as hell (so much for objective writing)?
That damned science club nerd hottie, Maki Nishikino.
And not only is she walking up to me and I'm already gaping like a fish as she does so, but she blocks my path and just stares down at me for a full minute.
"You're Nico Yazawa, right?" she asked me, and I was pretty baffled because, wow, she knew my name! I should have been more suspicious, but I was overwhelmed by the joy.
"Yeah," I said, except I was probably stuttering and probably croaking out more enthusiastically than necessary.
And you want to know what happens next?
I mean, you don't speak, so I'm going to tell you anyway.
She pulls this smirk and a hand that was behind her back just whips around to the front with you in her hand! As if I wasn't already frozen as is!
I won't lie, my tone probably conveyed the extreme anxiety and panic that punched me in the chest.
"Oh," was seriously all I could get out of my mouth.
Then she nodded at me and, in that moment, I already knew the truth.
She explained that she had found it and gone to the student council to turn it in when a purple-haired girl told Maki that she would find it to be an interesting read. Who else do we know that has purple hair and an agenda to ruin my life? That damned Nozomonster, that's who!
And, well, who can argue with the vice president?
I really did not know what to say. You're probably assuming that I am exaggerating, but I literally did not say a single word for a few minutes. And she seemed sympathetic, because she let me get a hold of you before just crossing her arms and patiently standing with me.
Actually, she kind of gently nudged me over to one of the benches and helped me sit while I was in my state of shock. I was reeling over everything I had written about her, and I honestly never felt so embarrassed.
So after a bit of time passed, she whispered, "I've never had someone write about me like that before."
And, like an idiot, I laughed like a nervous wreck and replied with, "Oh really?"
And she gave me this soft laugh, but I could tell she knew I had no idea what to actually say.
I hate when younger people are not only taller but more mature.
And she smiled a bit before smirking back at me. And I was blushing because, wow, she was looking really hot and it wasn't even because of the orange glow of the sunset.
"You called me hot a lot," she commented, much to my humiliation. I basically gulped and nodded without looking at her, and she just blew me away when she said, "I'm flattered, but I thought it was sweeter when you called me beautiful."
And, like, she was smiling? I was confused as to what the mood was, because it should have been a situation where the police could be knocking at my door asking for all evidence of my stalker habits.
I was so bewildered by the whole situation that I almost completely missed it when she called me cute.
Almost.
"You're blushing," she remarked, as if I didn't already feel the steam blowing out of my ears.
At that point, I finally managed to get a few words in.
"I'm really sorry," I said, kind of raspy since my throat felt so dry.
"Don't be," she reassured me, with a smile that kind of sent my eyes rolling. And then, against all expectation, she admitted that she glanced over at me once in a while, too! She said that she started after that time where she walked me to the nurse's office.
And, okay, I got my hopes up at that point. I mean, why would she bother talking to me for that long and compliment me? A super idol knows when she is loved, after all.
Then again, it was probably noticeable that I was shaking. I got so nervous from anticipation.
After a minute she looked away but said, "You don't have to stop."
And that's probably when my chest exploded. I kind of got so overjoyed that I became a little tactless and pretty much yelped, "Oh my god, you're gay?!"
And she blushed a shade of crimson that I've never seen and she gave me one of those cute grumpy expressions that I've seen her use before with her friends? It was incredible.
"Sh-Shut up," she stuttered before looking away.
And I don't really remember much after that because it was a bit of a blur, but after a few minutes of silence we started talking again and somehow came to a decision about going out on a date?
And, jeez, that date is already today since yesterday was Thursday. We are going out for dinner and a movie, which is pretty cliché, but I think it makes for a good first.
I hope we have a lot of firsts.
Anyway, friend, I'm not sure where we stand, you and I. This journal was initially intended for the single purpose of writing out my frustration over this random girl at school. But now that I've reached this point with her, I'm not quite sure what to do.
Actually, I am just thankful that you have been around for the ride.
She thought it was cute that I wrote about her, so I think I'm going to continue doing that and maybe surprise her as an anniversary gift if we, hopefully, ever make it that far. From just that short period of time where we spoke after school about the journal, I could already tell I was captivated. Friend, I know you know that I really like her. But that time sitting together, even if it wasn't anything quite yet, was a moment that proved to me that I really want to have something special with her. I want a forever with her.
Ugh, writing in a journal makes me want to be such a dork. But I think she likes that about me.
So, friend, this is where we part. I'm going to start anew in a brand new journal, one dedicated to the "us" that I hope to be a half of. But never doubt that you were an important part of this, even if all you could provide was blank paper for my feelings spilled through ink.
To be honest, without you I technically would never have had this chance to get to speak with her and find out that there is a chance that we can be something beautiful together.
And, for that, you are the best friend that anyone could ask for.
Farewell.
X~X~X~X~X
Dear Maki,
This is only the humble start to what I hope will be a beautiful story of "I love you"s that never finishes.
And so we begin.