Author's Notes:
For Doritos1996, an extremely late birthday present/an early Christmas present.
Thank you Al, for suffering my constant re-writes.
Disclaimers: I do not own A: TLA.
Matters of the Heart
Chapter 1 – Admissions
He missed her.
He would push her from his thoughts and kept himself as busy as possible so as not to feel the void in his life. There was plenty to attend to. Days would pass, one after the other, without his hesitating at the sight of alabaster and ebony, or at the way light would gleam off metal as it often had when she let her blades fly. He would focus on the matters at hand; matters of the realm. There was little time for anything else.
It was different at night. At times sleep would elude him. His thoughts would wander taking a course through the day's events, touching on what tomorrow may bring, but somehow, inevitably, they would always turn to her. When he managed to sleep he'd dream of her. She'd frown. She'd hide behind her bangs. She'd walk away from him again and his heart would break once more.
It was going on two months; not that he was counting. The Minister of Education had been scheduled for a follow up audience to report the progress made on the new initiative. Upon seeing him, he recalled a droll comment she had made when the minister was there last. Zuko smiled now as he did then. Her responding smirk was clear in his mind as if she was standing next to him. Immediately a deep frown creased his face. He realized his mistake and knew he was doomed. Thoughts of Mai had finally penetrated his daytime defenses. Memories of her implored his attention.
His forced concentration on the proceedings made him appear stiff and mechanical. He nodded at appropriate moments and uttered single words sentences: "Good." "Why?" "Explain." The Fire Lord did his best to follow the issues debated, but failed. He was distracted by the mention of the Royal Fire Academy for Girls. A smile threatened his lips at the memory of a young Mai, book in hand, complaining about how dull school was.
Deafening silence called him back to the present. All eyes were directed at their sovereign. Painfully, it dawned on him that he had missed an entire exchange. Those gathered were patiently awaiting a response. Careful to hide his mortification at being caught daydreaming, Zuko recovered his composure. Head high, the Fire Lord stared them down and admonished the assembly for wasting his time. It was clear that a consensus could not be reached with the parties still so far apart. An adjournment was called – they would not reconvene till all were ready to compromise.
Things got harder after that.
Zuko would easily grow irritable. There were times when he didn't even have the patience for anyone to do his topknot and it seemed that there was no one at the palace who could get his crown to sit just right.
Everything the servants brought him was wrong. "Where are the fruit tarts?" "You call this tea?" They begged forgiveness for the oversight. They thought the fruit tarts were her Ladyship's favorite and they politely insisted that tea was the same as always. "Perhaps your Majesty would like something else?" Frustrated, he'd dismiss them. When fruit tarts were served with his next meal Zuko openly stared at them, momentarily distressed. He signaled for everything to be taken away, mumbling something about losing his appetite.
He was in a fog for days and tried desperately to regain some semblance of the normalcy he had before. In the beginning it was the mess of Yu Dao and its repercussions that had kept him moving forward. Almost immediately thereafter it had been the search for his mother. Upon his return there were never ending duties and responsibilities which were his as ruler of the Fire Nation. Stressful and overwhelming as it was, he was grateful for it. He would wholeheartedly immerse himself in it, deriving a sense of satisfaction from a hard day's work. Now, he didn't even have that.
Mai was everywhere and nowhere. She was the light fragrance that scented the air, the smirk on a stranger's face, the roll of the eyes on another. Unexpected sarcastic comments would pop into his head, all spoken in a raspy seductive voice.
He'd walk the halls of the palace, every time taking a new path in the hopes that he'd find something new to spark his interest. Each time, he'd find himself back at the garden; the one which held a mixture of good and bad memories. Once − it seemed so long ago − he had thought that he and Mai would create new memories, happy times to recollect for years to come. The turtleducks, the apple tree, the fountain . . . . There was nothing there to comfort him. Feeling lost, he'd turn around and return to work. The next day repeated itself in similar fashion; as did the next.
Something had to give.
Night fell once more. He paced his bedroom chamber. His conscious, vicious in its persistent nagging, demanded his attention. There would be no escape tonight. The situation had come to a head. He could no longer give it a cursory thought and shove it unresolved to the recess of his mind.
Being Fire Lord was not easy. He never thought it would be, but he had never dreamed it would be this hard. The long days, the constant demands, the assassination attempts; every time something went right, three things went wrong. Trying to do the right thing meant that somewhere down the road he was at the brink of another confrontation. It seemed everyone was against him. His own council did not understand what he was trying to do. He was battling tradition, his family history and his own mistakes. It was endless.
When she decided she had had enough, she left me.
Eyes shut tight. Forefinger and thumb of his right hand pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't want to go over it again. He had told himself that she was free to do as she wished. He had no hold on her. In his desperation he had ordered her to stay. He was still beating himself up for that. No doubt his blunder had only served to solidify her resolve. Not that it had mattered anyway. She hadn't hesitated. Her mind was made up.
"Goodbye, Fire Lord." Her last words to him still resonated in his ears.
What's the matter with me? Why does everyone I care about have to go away: mother, uncle, and now Mai?
He resisted the temptation to wallow in anguish − he was not to ready to let go the façade he worked so hard to create. He tried again to see things for what they were.
Mother and uncle are fine. They are both happy with their lives and where they are now. Maybe Mai is too.
That was where he would leave it. He had rationalized that it was better this way. He had no time for her. She was better off without him. His path had never been easy and it only seemed to get harder as he got older. Dreams would crumble; efforts would reap failure. He was destined to struggle. It was part of his legacy − the dark and the light bequeath him from the joining of two bloodlines. The dichotomy was woven into his soul.
She deserved better and when she walked out, he let her go.
But he missed her!
He ached for her: the sound of her voice, the scent of her hair, the smile she gave only him, the rare sound of her laughter, her mere proximity. He had kept it all at bay till now. Besieged by truth he could no longer deny, he had no choice but to ride out the storm which thoughts of Mai brought and caused his heart to despair.
After all we have been through, she left me. She left me!
He shook his head. Stirrings of resentment he had held in check from the beginning surfaced violently.
She told me not to break up with her! I didn't! I wasn't going to!
I thought we were fine. I was going to tell her. I didn't have enough time. Everything was happening so fast.
I thought . . . I thought . . . . What did I think?
Agitation building, he turned briskly and commenced his march from the window towards the door.
It doesn't matter, he told himself. She's gone. She left me! She . . . .
Fists clenched and unclenched. He was letting his pain get the better of him. Mai had cautioned him about it. She would not want him to lose control. He decreased his step and made a conscious effort to quiet himself.
If she doesn't want me, doesn't love me . . . .
A sudden wave of emotion hit him. His insides knotted and breathing was near impossible. The very notion of her not wanting him was like poison to his soul, a knife through his heart.
Silver sandwich; focus on the positive. The positive . . . . He forced a deep breath. I've survived worse.
There are other girls. One day . . . maybe . . . .
It rang of self deceit.
One day what? I'll find another? Another girl like her? Another who will accept me for who I am? Who will love me for me? Flaws and all? Oh, Agni!
He was tired; tired of ignoring the issue, tired of fighting to keep Mai from his thoughts. Defeated, he sat on the bed, let his shoulders fall and dropped his head into his hands. A moment later he fell backwards unto the mattress. He lay there staring up at the crimson canopy for a long time, sifting through memories; trying to make sense of things. After a time, he was able to think again.
Mai isn't one for rash action. She is practical, a realist. She thinks things through. She weighs things and assigns them value. It is simple: she either cares about something or she doesn't. Above all she had cared for me. She never spoke the words, but I know she loved me. Her actions proved it. She cared for me passionately.
But . . . she left me.
I messed things up. There's no excuse. I had caused this. The warning signs were there. I was too busy to take note of them, too weary to stop and make time for her.
Who wants a boyfriend who is never around?
He closed his eyes again as if that would block out the pain. He had to face the truth. He had been too careless and too stupid to keep her from leaving.
She had her reasons. Maybe she's happier now.
Tears flowed freely, the first he had allowed himself to cry over Mai. He lay there staring up at the canopy till sleep claimed him.
Morning came and brought along with it the usual routine. Zuko carried on about his business as was to be expected, but he no longer fought Mai's memory, or denied his pain over losing her. He told himself that it would fade in time. She had made her decision and he would honor it. Part of him wondered why it took her so long to leave. It was best for her. She deserved better than him and he would let her find it because he loved her. He would carry on without her. He had to. He had no choice.
Still, he missed her.
Author's Notes:
Stay tuned for Mai's chapter.