Amelia, sometimes you are a machine. Sometimes I am forgiveness. Or revenge. It's hard to tell with the radio on.
Pacey decided. He made a definitive decision to shrug off his predetermined role. He had a short amount of time before Jen figured out what everyone else knew. He blew off work and went straight to Mrs. Ryan's house. He knocked on the door and like Jen knew today was an important day, she answered the door in her finest tight shirt and slacks. She had changed from earlier but still looked great. He briefly regretted the nailing her comments he'd made earlier to Dawson. She said, "Pacey?"
"That is me," he said. "I was wondering, Miss Lindley, would you like to go out with me? About now? We could catch a matinee of a movie at the local place, grab a light dinner and you'd be home by 7 so you were ready for your first day at school."
Jen blinked and then, finally, smiled. "You're asking me out. On a date."
"Did I do it wrong? I got to admit, judging by the answers in the past, my technique is pretty flawed. I mean, I understand if you don't want to," Pacey said.
"No, I think that was right. It's just in New York, it was pretty different."
"Well, this is Capeside and our options are pretty limited. I do have access to a car, but that doesn't seem like a first date activity, driving somewhere especially when I say access I mean I will be borrowing my father's car without his knowledge which sometimes goes badly," Pacey said.
"No, I was thinking of something else. Let me tell Grams so she knows not to expect me for dinner," Jen said.
As she left the doorway, Pacey allowed himself a little fist pump at what seemed a successful date asking moment. Jen came back and stepped out of the house, closing the door behind her. She said, "Grams wasn't thrilled but movie and dinner and home by 7 seemed innocent enough, I wrangled a yes out of her."
"Excellent," Pacey said. He offered her his arm and she looked bemused, but she took it. It was a dumb thing to do but so far Jen hadn't noticed Pacey's inherent loserness.
They ambled towards the Rialto. Pacey said, "I hate to admit this, but any date with me is guaranteed to be pretty innocent. Don't tell, not that anyone cares, but I haven't even rounded second base. I'm not sure why I'm trying to impress you with my patheticness, but there you go."
"Define your bases," Jen said, still smiling like everything was funny. Not a mean smile, though, Pacey was sure.
"First is kissing with tongue as the French do, 2nd is naughty things with your fingers, 3rd is also naughty things but this time with tongues and mouths. I think home base is pretty universal in these systems," Pacey said.
"I feel like you're implying you've gotten close to 2nd base, though," Jen said.
"She will swear it never happened, but Nellie Olsen -"
"That is not her real name," Jen said.
"It is her real name. She is a real girl who works at the video store where Dawson and I both work, except she does whatever she wants because her father owns it. There was an incident where she deigned to share some beer with me on a lonely Tuesday night - I was not taking advantage of her, to be clear, but there was some beer courage on her part. She let me touch her inside her 34B bra. I say let me because I was a gentleman and she forced my hands up there. She now swears it never happened and also spends all her time at the store belittling me, so I'm not sure what I should take from that experience. Or what you should take from that story," Pacey said.
"When you told Dawson, did you embellish, like, have her throwing off her shirt for you?"
"I never told Dawson," Pacey said. "I never told anyone. I know it sounds like I'm not kissing and telling, but really, it all made me feel a little dirty. Not in the fun dirty sexy way."
"You still get points for your reticence," Jen said.
"If you're giving 'em, I'm taking 'em," Pacey said. "You keep smiling like we're watching Friends or something."
"It's not what you think," Jen said. "I'm absolutely not laughing at you. I'm just amused at how different all of this is from New York. It's been years since I've been to Capeside and I think I had convinced myself the story book little town thing wasn't as real as it really is. I had this idea in my head, like, I didn't even want to try to date and just let things happen, but I think this works, too."
"Those fast boys in New York don't tell you about drunken shameful make outs on the first date?"
Jen sighed. "The last time I dated someone who was actually my age, well, it was three days ago, and it wasn't much of a date. Mostly, I haven't been dating so much as hanging out. Meeting up." Jen squeezed his arm. "So far, I like this. It's good. You're changing my mind."
"Wait until you see me buy me popcorn," Pacey said. He was starting to worry. It had to be some kind of joke that Pacey was succeeding here in being charming. Or some semblance of it.
They dissected the movie choices, both of them, settled on the one Jen wanted, and Pacey bought the tickets. Then he bought popcorn and cokes. "Do you have any candy orders?"
"No," Jen said. "I'm sorry, you must be getting sick of me saying this, but I can't remember the last time someone took me to the movies."
"I'm not sick of anything," Pacey said.
They were in their seats when Jen said, "Why aren't you asking where I am on the baseball field?"
Pacey shrugged. "You'll tell me if you want, right? I don't make any assumptions, I'm not casting you in any part as virginal or fast, assigned roles is more Dawson's thing."
"Okay," Jen said, looking taken back in a good way. "I thought what Dawson was talking about with his movie sounded interesting, though. So have you seen this movie before?"
"Of course," Pacey said. "I work at a video store and I've been Dawson Leery's best friend for over a decade. Have you?"
"No," Jen said. "Don't spoil me."
"Promise," Pacey said.
It was a good movie and Jen seemed to like it. She was incredibly pretty when she laughed, though she was basically incredibly pretty when she did anything like breathe. She grabbed his hand once or twice. He had made it close to two hours without Jen catching on to how little Pacey was worth her time.
When the movie was over, they went over to one of the Ice House's many competitors. He told her they should go to the Ice House, "but honestly, I blew off work for this and I'm afraid Dawson will find me and this whole glorious afternoon will collapse and be revealed as a daydream I'm having."
"Dawson has that power?"
"I'm pretty sure he's also planning to ask you out," Pacey said.
"Why doesn't he ask out that girl, Joey? She seemed like she was going to beat me to death with a shovel as soon as Dawson looked at me," Jen said.
"Ah, the eternal question. Joey and Dawson have been friends longer than me and Dawson by about a year. I think. Dawson is still blind to Joey being a girl, much less a damn pretty girl, so no sign of him asking her out any time soon. Maybe he'll be inspired by this here date," Pacey said.
"He'll probably need someone to ask out Joey," Jen said.
"Probably," Pacey said. "She gives off massive hands off vibes to everyone except Dawson so I don't think that'll happen any time soon."
"But she's got that whole I don't realize I'm incredibly gorgeous thing going on. Guys love that, I thought," Jen said.
"You're also incredibly gorgeous, by the way," Pacey said.
Jen blushed and said, "Thank you. I wasn't fishing for compliments there."
"You don't have to fish, this is a date, I'm supposed to point how insane it is that someone as lovely as you is bothering with the worst of Capeside," Pacey said.
"How are you the worst of Capeside? You're like a J Crew model, minus the haircut," Jen said.
"No one has ever said that in the history of the world regarding me, except for the dig on the haircut which everyone says," Pacey said.
"Did someone come around when you were all ten and hit you with stupid sticks? Joey thinks she's ugly, you think you're not attractive unless someone's drunk," Jen said.
"Judging by my grades, it was before age ten," Pacey said.
"You have the vocabulary of at least a B student," Jen said.
"I have the grades of a D student," Pacey said.
"No way," Jen said.
"Way," Pacey said.
"Why? You're clearly smart," Jen said.
"Clear to you," Pacey said.
"Is this some kind of weird small town thing where everyone's personality is decided on somewhere around age 13 and no one really tries to break free of that until they get to college and have a complete breakdown?"
"Oh, it was way before 13," Pacey said. "You know, when I was 8, I was playing baseball and I did my usual bang up job of not doing anything right and my father yelled at me when we got home, and even before we got home, he yelled at me in the car. So I go to sulk in my room and I heard him saying to my brother 'at least I have you, Dougie.'" Pacey paused because wow, that story sounded awful out loud. He said, "So, there was no stick involved."
"Just shitty parents," Jen said. "Mine suck, too."
"I never really thought of it as shitty parents," Pacey said. "They're not great but. Come on."
Jen just stared at him. She finally said, "I'm going out on a limb here, but I bet Dawson's parents have never told him he's a complete failure for not playing baseball well at age 8."
"Dawson didn't play baseball at 8, he really didn't want to," Pacey said. "But I see your point. Look, we've taken this date to real downer territory, I feel like I need to do something to turn it around. We should also avoid getting you close to seeing how much I do actually suck."
"We should avoid actually getting to know each other and having serious discussions on our date?" Jen smiled again. "I'm still trying to get these small town rules figured out."
"Well, there really isn't that much getting to know each other if you've known someone since they were in diapers," Pacey said.
Jen said, "I think we should both break free this year. You should be as smart as you actually are no matter what your parents and brother -"
"And sisters and teachers and other people's parents, though, honestly, my sister Gretchen has always been pretty cool," Pacey said.
"I am going to have a boyfriend my own age, actually be a teenager who meets people and has friends, and stop trying to make my father notice me this year, starting now," Jen said.
"Do I get to audition for that boyfriend role?" Pacey smiled.
"Definitely," Jen said. "Not to put pressure on you for the rest of the date, but that good night kiss is going to count a lot in the judging."
"And I will stop trying to do badly or do well and just do," Pacey said.
"Let's be real, Pacey, it sounds like if you get a B, you'll either get 'why not an A?' Or 'why weren't you doing this before?' Since we can agree right now that it won't win you praise or make anyone love you more because they're assholes, you should do it for yourself," Jen said.
"I like how you think, Jen," Pacey said. "If I ever have kids, I feel like I would make sure to notice my daughter even without whatever you were doing to be noticed."
"I appreciate that, but since you're in the running for my boyfriend, let's avoid any weird Oedipal moments for the rest of the date," Jen said.
"Forever, I say," Pacey said. She really did seem to like him.
He paid for dinner and helped her up. "It's only 6:15 or so, we have an entire half hour before we need to start walking you home," he said.
"Are you gonna sneak me off somewhere for some making out?" Jen laughed as she said it.
"Is making out laughable? I know I've denigrated my own skills, but I'm pretty sure I'm not horrible at it," Pacey said.
"It's not," Jen said. "But you're going to have to bend over for me to kiss you because even on my tippy toes -"
He kissed her and did indeed need to bend over a little but it was all perfectly fine and wonderful. He said, "Actually there's this park where we're less likely to be seen by anyone from Mrs. Ryan's church or my family."
"Wouldn't want to be seen kissing in public," Jen said. She had a big smile, though, like she liked it.
Pacey was pathetic enough to still say, "But you liked it?"
"Yes," she said.
"Okay, great, I appreciate the good reviews," Pacey said. He led them to a thankfully deserted picnic table on the side of the park that had no views and was pretty much only used for what they were about to do. He sat on the bench of the table and pulled Jen between his legs, thanking all of the fashion gods that lived that baggy pants were stylish enough Jen probably couldn't tell he was already hard. Of course, it was probably completely obvious and Jen probably thought he was some kind of idiot.
"I like that you have to look up a little," Jen said, resting her hands on his shoulders. "I've spent this whole date looking up. How tall are you?"
"6 foot something, growing every day," he said. He held her waist so he had something to do with his suddenly sweaty hands.
She thankfully kissed him, her soft hands sweeping up his neck then in his hair. She pressed against him, her breasts against his collarbone and he still had no idea what to do with his hands except hold her. She stopped kissing him long enough to laugh and say, "It's okay if you want to grab my butt."
"Okay, good," he said stupidly. Luckily she started kissing him again. He did indeed hold onto her perfect ass. They went on like that for a while, kissing and butt caressing and he was pretty sure he was going to have an embarrassing moment in his pants.
Jen looked around and said, "Honestly, a handjob on the first date is not, well, it still counts as new Jen."
"You don't have to," he said. "I'm okay if new Jen wants to wait." It would take him a while to stand up and a lot of thinking about Mrs. Ryan doing water aerobics but that was probably just punishment for all his shitty sexist talk earlier in the day and his entire previous life.
"You make me want to do it even more," Jen said, smiling.
Then, because it was the best day ever in the whole life of Pacey Witter, she did do it. It was amazing. She even had a convenient hanky Mrs. Ryan had given her to clean up and make himself presentable. She kissed him and said, "Now we should get going so I'm home by 7."
"Okay," Pacey said. "Okay, okay." He staggered up and offered her his arm again. "Sorry, as you know, as I told you, that incredible experience is not normal for new Pacey or old Pacey. I feel like I should say something like thank you or something, or should I talk less? You decide."
"You know," Jen said. "This has been the weirdest date of my life. I like it, though, it's a good weird. Even you babbling like an idiot right now, it feels nice."
"Good, good," Pacey said.
Right before they got to her door he said softly, "I don't think it's fair to think of myself as having crossed second base if I haven't also made you happy. Which I certainly would be happy to try whenever you have the time."
"God, you're adorable," Jen said.
"Does that mean we can have a second date? How about day after tomorrow? I can't afford movie and dinner again, but I can swing some hot studying in the public library followed by hanging out on the docks. Have you ever sailed? I can row a mean boat." Pacey realized that all sounded horrible but his brain was still back on the picnic bench.
"Maybe not quite that, but yes, second date sounds fun," she said.
He kissed her chastely on the cheek as Mrs. Ryan appeared in the doorway and said, "Goodbye, that was great, you're great."
"Right back atcha," Jen said, smiling.
Pacey walked across the lawn still not sure where his brain was, high on his very first handjob. So he was actually surprised when Dawson and Joey came out of the Leery house barreling towards him. "Hey guys," he said.
"Did you seriously just go on a date with Jen?" Dawson sounded angry and affronted.
Pacey took pleasure in saying, "Yes. Cause I asked her out and out we went. We had a great time actually. She's awesome."
"I'll bet," Joey said, all curdled virgin hate in her face.
"Joey, you gotta reign it in, Dawson's doesn't get that you hate Jen because he's hot for her. I went out with her, so Dawson might just be frustrated enough to notice you as a person with breasts," Pacey said.
"Shut up, Pacey," Joey said, eyes narrow.
Dawson said, "Pacey, come on. What happened to being best friends? You knew I was going to ask her out."
"No, actually, I didn't know that. Was I supposed to assume that from your verbal erection at her beauty? The way you just laughed at my crappy jokes? Besides, she's a person, not some claim in gold rush territory where getting there first and screaming mine is effective," Pacey said.
"I hate to say it, but I agree with Pacey," Joey said. "She is a person. You didn't say you were going to ask her out. And even if you had, so what? You can still ask her out if you're so obsessed with blondes in tight sweaters."
"Joey, seriously, I'm supposed to be the sexist jerk in this trio, it's a bad look on you. And it doesn't make a difference, Dawson still thinks of you as his bestest friend who has no sexual appeal," Pacey said.
"Pacey, stop it," Dawson said.
"Which part? Pointing out the obvious that Joey's so jealous she's turning into a caveman misogynist that you're hot for Jen? Pointing out the equally obvious that you just don't think of Joey that way because you're stupid?" Pacey started walking away.
Naturally Dawson was still walking after him. "I can't believe Jen's your type," he said.
"No, you can't believe I'm her type, since I'm not brilliant," Pacey said. He remembered this was the new Pacey. "But I'm not an idiot and neither is she." He was pretty far from convinced.
Dawson stopped. "I was going to ask her to help on the movie."
"You should. You should even ask her out if you still want," Pacey said. "I bet the kissing scene will go a lot better if it's me and Jen."
"How was it with the fast girl from New York City, Pacey?" Joey had caught up with them.
"We had a great date, Josephine. We talked and laughed and talked and laughed again. I really don't get your surly descent into virgin whore derision. Do you really want to be that kind of girl?" Pacey kept walking away, he needed to get home. He was going to try to do the assigned summer reading. No one would care how he did except himself. So he could just do it.
He was also going to relive that handjob a few times.
!
"It's nice to know people," Jen said, looking up at Pacey, then smiling at Joey and Dawson. "Though Nellie Olsen did try to get to par-tay with her."
"I can't believe you passed that up," Pacey said.
"I didn't say I did," Jen said, laughing. She saw something flit across Dawson's face so she quickly said, "I did pass it up. I'm not looking for her kind of party at all."
Pacey plucked her schedule from her hands and held it with three others, presumably the others'. He said, "Okay, good, this works, You and I have two classes together, you and Jo have three classes together and two with Dawson, including one overlap with Jo." He handed her back her schedule.
"Are you going to make me guess which classes?"
"Yes," Pacey said. "Since I need to get my first period right now." He headed off quickly to the right.
"What has gotten into him?" Jo looked confused. "I've never seen Pacey rush to class."
"You've forgotten human sexuality in middle school," Dawson said. "I'm going this way, Jen, which is the way you need to go."
"Cool," Jen said. "See you at some mysterious point, Joey." Joey actually sort of smiled back at her.
To her surprise, Dawson just reiterated his invitation to help on his movie the coming weekend as he directed her to her class.
School was school. Less rich assholes than her previous private day school, but fewer teachers who'd written the definitive text on the subject. Jen thought if she wanted to get into a college she wanted she was going to have bear down and get good grades.
In another surprise, in all three classes she had with Joey, the girl let her sit next to her and was even helpful. As they walked out of the third, Jen said, "Maybe we could have a study group. A real one, I mean, not whatever a study group is a euphemism for here."
"Here a study group means a study group," Joey said. "School is everything to me, I don't want trade makeup tips."
"I'm not going to say anything about how it's obnoxious for someone who's naturally stunning to talk about makeup tips and just go with, school matters to me, too. I want to do well," Jen said.
"Okay," Joey said. "I guess it'll just be us, though, Dawson just magically does well enough for B pluses and he only cares about going to USC so he's more obsessed with his filming than studying. Pacey doesn't give a crap about his grades."
"Maybe he does this year," Jen said.
"Did he say that on your date? That might have be a line," Joey said.
"He said it, but it wasn't a line. Are you being nice to me because I went out with Pacey?"
Joey laughed. "Please, Pacey is a cretin. I have no plans to do anything for him or because of him except maybe barf if we have to kiss again in Dawson's movie."
"I meant more that I went out with Pacey instead of Dawson," Jen said.
"Maybe," Joey mumbled, blushing and hiding her face behind her hair. She still looked like a model. Joey said, "Also Pacey called me a misogynist caveman 5 million times last night for not being nice to you at first sight. I can't believe you guys had a great date. You know, Pacey said Dawson should feel free to ask you out."
Jen smiled. "Yeah, one date isn't exactly an engagement thing. Also, Pacey isn't in charge of me or Dawson's actions. Or yours as you just pointed out. If Dawson did, though, I'd probably say no. I really had fun with Pacey."
"That amazes me," Joey said. "He's not a fun person."
"Maybe familiarity breeds contempt. He could be fun with me because we have no history," Jen said.
"That seems the most likely explanation which doesn't bode well for your future," Joey said. She was actually smiling, though, so it didn't seem mean.
At the end of the day, she decided to wait for Pacey and the gang at her locker since she had no idea where anyone else's locker was. Strangely enough, it worked as all three of them came from different directions to find her. She said, "This is such a better first day than I imagined."
"Today has blown my mind," Joey said. "Pacey, this doing well at school thing isn't just a phase, right? I'm not letting you into our study group if you give it up after a week."
"Joey, you wound me," Pacey said.
"You're starting a study group?" Dawson laughed.
"Joey and I," Jen said. "We talked about it, I said Pacey might want in and Joey said you wouldn't need it because you care about film school more than being valedictorian."
"Which he probably could do if he wanted to," Pacey said. "But we all know Joey will."
"Or maybe we should worry about Pacey now," Dawson said, laughing. To his credit, he stopped as soon as he saw the hurt in Pacey's eyes.
"Maybe I will just because you said that," Pacey said.
"I'm sorry," Dawson said.
"Okay," Joey said. "It's settled, Pacey isn't an idiot and he will be allowed in our study group. When do we meet?"
"You're very take charge," Jen said. "Definitely valedictorian. Well, tonight seems too soon."
"And the weekend you're all helping on the movie," Dawson said.
"We have plans tomorrow," Pacey said, gesturing at Jen.
Dawson started to say something and stopped himself. Joey said, "That leaves Thursday or Friday night. We'll show Nellie Olsen how we party for sure."
"I get off work at 8 on Thursday," Pacey said. "What about you, Jo?"
"I will make sure I do," Joey said, firmly.
"My social calendar is set for the next week, I feel good about that," Jen said.
She walked halfway home with Pacey and Dawson and Joey. Pacey even held her hand which was endearing and more than that, something Jen realized she liked. She said, "I also think you could be valedictorian, if Joey didn't stand in your way."
Joey and Dawson were walking a little ahead of them, engrossed already in a conversation Jen couldn't hear. Pacey said, "I'm not shooting for valedictorian. I'm shooting for my actual level, whatever that is. Maybe it's just a lot of Cs."
She squeezed his hand. "No way. I would give you an A for first date planning."
"What about second date planning?" He smiled at her. "I did actually think of something. How do you feel about board games?"
"Board games?" Jen had to laugh at that. She was pretty sure he didn't mean strip Monopoly or beer pong.
"Or not," Pacey said.
"No, I'm in," Jen said. "Which games?"
"Okay, this won't be quite as innocent white picket fence as you think, because we're going to break into my brother's apartment. He's working tomorrow night and I know how to get in. So we can play Risk and it will be risky," Pacey said. He kissed her hand and said, "And now I go this way. See you tomorrow."
"Tomorrow," Jen said.
Pacey's brother's apartment was pretty nice, very neat. Pacey made a joke about his brother being gay and Jen said, "Actually, some of my best friends are gay."
"Sorry," Pacey said. He looked really upset before he covered it. He seemed very worried that Jen would dump him while she was waiting for him to run from the slut. They were perfectly matched.
"Are we making out first and then playing the game or playing the game then making out or just making out?" Jen grinned as she sat on the couch.
"No, we're definitely playing the game, absolutely. I would never think to schedule just a make out, that seems presumptuous and like I have expectations which seems like no, no, I did not plan a make out date." Pacey put the game on the coffee table. "Risk. Have you ever played Risk?"
"I didn't think you were planning an all make out date but I appreciate the long speech about it," Jen said. "So okay, tell me how to play Risk."
It turned out Jen was pretty good at Risk which Pacey seemed thrilled about, even when she won. "How refreshingly un-sexist of you," Jen said.
"You look amazing when you're plotting world domination," Pacey said. "I mean it. You have a glow. If Mussolini had had that kind of glow, maybe he could have done more than make the trains run on time."
"So you find it arousing," Jen said. "Time to make out then?"
Pacey smiled. "Okay, let me clean up so Doug probably won't be able to tell we were here."
"Wouldn't that be best after we make out?"
"Well, I was thinking, the bathroom. It's very nice and we can close the door. Because if Doug comes home unexpectedly and we're playing Risk, he probably doesn't yell so much, comes home and we're making out on the couch, he yells a lot. So if we're in the bathroom with the door closed, I feel like that's safer," Pacey said.
"I like that idea," Jen said. "You know why? Because I am still kinda taken back by this whole small town, sneaking around for places to make out thing. Do you know why I'm in Capeside?"
Pacey stopped at the bathroom door. He said, "You don't have to tell me anything. I mean it, Jen."
"My dad walked in on me having sex on his bed," Jen said, her throat suddenly aching.
Pacey sat down next to her on the couch. "That was definitely getting you noticed, huh?"
Jen laughed and made herself stop before it was tears. "Yes. I kinda feel like a fraud, the way I've presented myself to you."
"How would that work? You've mostly presented yourself as a pretty cool person who, like me, is ready to make a change. Right?" He put his arm around her. "The old Jen sounds like she had shitty parents, right?"
"Like yours," she said. "Please don't tell. I think Joey is almost willing to admit she might like me and Dawson would hate me."
"He wouldn't hate you," Pacey said. "You're the second girl I've seen him hot for. He might be a little judgmental. But he recovers well. Like, he figures out he's wrong."
"Do you think that's the non shitty parents?"
"God, probably. So we're both doomed to be awful people," Pacey said. "Please don't cry. We can play Risk again. I'll win this time and you can throw the board at me."
"Maybe we should just make out," Jen said.
"Only if you want to," Pacey said.
"How hard was that for you to say?" She ran her hand up his thigh to cup his balls through his pants.
"Ha ha, hard," Pacey said. "I meant it, though."
"Me, too," she said. "Let's get to that bathroom."