Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters of this wonderful universe; all's work of JK Rowling, but thanks for let us dream!
A Mid-autumn Evening Jinx
A night nice as a glass, sparkling stars splattered in the skies. The blissful breeze brushed the brambles, and the gloomy gleam that the glow worms gave, greatly governed the gleeful gathering.
A normal-looking tent stands among trees in the middle of a forest. Sitting at the entrance of it, a red-headed boy was stripping daisies petals from a near bush.
Ron: "She loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not; she loves me … She will come, she won't come; she will come, she won't come; she will come, she won't come; she will come … She likes Vicky, she doesn't like Vicky; she likes Vicky, she doesn't likes Vicky; she likes Vicky, she doesn't likes Vicky; she likes Vicky, she doesn't likes Vicky; she likes Vicky … She'll comb her hair, she won't comb her hair; she'll comb her hair, she won't comb her hair; she'll comb her hair, she will not comb her hair; she'll comb her hair …"
Hermione: (Appearing out of nowhere with a loud crack, which makes Ron to fall backwards into the bush) "Hello, Ron … Ron? Oh Ron, oh Ron, where are you my Ron!"
Ron: (from inside the bush) "I'm right here, do you reckon you can help me?"
Hermione: "I'd do it, but I haven't got a rope to throw you!"
Ron: "A ro—? Bloody hell, Hermione, why are you always doing that? Are you a witch or not?"
Hermione: "Oh, sure: Wingardium Leviosa!"
(Ron soars gracefully and stands in front of her)
Hermione: "What is that? It's like thousands of daisies!"
Ron: (Pushing her forwards, to the tent) "Honestly, Hermione, could we get inside?"
Hermione: (Eyes beginning to swim in tears) ""Why do we always have to fight? I mean, I have feelings, you know."
Ron: (Stopping) "But we are not ─" (Sighs) "I think we started with the wrong foot." (Looks to her and takes her hand) "Hermione, thanks for coming. I thought ─ you're ─ er ─ you're gorgeous, you know."
Hermione: (Beams) "Thank you, Ron! I can't believe you're saying that; it's as if you have read a book or something ─"
Ron: (Coughs) "Who told you I ─ er ─ have you combed your hair?"
Hermione: "Eh, yes, of course I have."
Ron: (Mumbles) "Damn flowers"
Hermione: "What?"
Ron: "Please, if you would like to come inside the tent; I've prepared something special."
Hermione: "Have you?"
Ron: I have, didn't you hear me?"
(They go inside still arguing)
Tent depths: the magically enlarged kitchen is occupied by a not so large table laid with delicious food, candles floating above it.
Hermione: (Busy taking seat on a chair and hanging her jacket) "Oh Ron, this is really amazing. Did you do it alone?"
Ron: (Gesturing and pushing two house-elves into the bathroom) "Yeah, of course … everything for you ─ for us." (Takes seat in front of Hermione) "Red or white wine?"
Hermione: "Ron! I don't drink alcohol, I'm a ─"
Ron: "Oh, c'mon, in four years we've drunk half the Tree Brooms in Butterbeer! Ok, pumpkin juice then."
Hermione: "That's better. I don't want to get drunk or something. Such bad experiences before …"
Ron: (Looks puzzled) "Er, I better skip the comment."
(Ron fills the goblets and both raise them in a toast)
Ron: "To a new chance today …"
Hermione: "And to the arrival of our grades …"
Ron: "And to You-Know-Who's downfall …"
Hermione: "And the approval of house-elves' rights …"
Ron: "And the uprising of the Chudley Cannons …"
Hermione: "And the love I feel for you."
(Hermione blushes and Ron looks at her, gapping stupidly)
Ron: "Do you?"
Hermione: "I … don't know, you tell me. Do you?"
Ron: "I don't know. You tell me first."
Hermione: "I asked you first. Do you?"
Ron: "No, it doesn't matter, you tell me."
Hermione: "Merlin's pants, Ron, this is just childish!"
(A moment of silence)
Ron: "Do you?"
Hermione: "Yes, you big dugbog, can't you even realise that?"
Ron: "If you would have given me a small hint …"
Hermione: "A hint? A hint? I've given you a thousand hints!"
Ron: (Reaching her hand) "I ─ I think me too, Hermione, and I've given you many hints as well."
Hermione: "As for example?"
Ron: "Well, remember when I caused all that fuss because of Scabbers? I was pretending."
Hermione: "Why?"
Ron: (Widens his eyes as if not believing she had not realised before) "'Cause I thought you'll come and console me, and you'll say you love me. I never really liked rats. Rats disgust me."
Hermione: "Weird way to gain a girl's love, I have to say."
Ron: "And then in the Yule Ball, do you know why I went with those horrible dress robes?"
Hermione: "Hum, because that was the only one you had, remember?"
Ron: "I still could have not gone. But I did. And it's because I thought you'd think I looked cute, with that red fabric matching my hair, plus I wasn't a presumptuous prat like the other guys who bought too elegant dress robes, and all."
Hermione: "Are you kidding me? Have I got a face like 'I love archaic boys or anything? Why didn't you simply invite me to the ball first ?"
Ron: "Another strategy. I thought at we were going to be the only ones alone, without a partner, and you'd be so depressed that you would have to go with me, see …"
Hermione: (Huh?) "Let's ─ forget the past for a while, can we?" (Squeezes his hand and leans forwards over the table, her face eight inches from Ron's)
Ron: "What are you doing?"
Hermione: (Seven inches) "What do you think?"
Ron: "Now?"
Hermione: (Six inches) "Why not?"
Ron: "Food is getting cold."
Hermione: (Five inches) "Who cares ?"
Ron: "I do, I'm hungry."
Hermione: (Four inches) "So shut up and kiss me, 'cause me neck is aching."
Ron: (Three inches!) "Well, I wasn't prepared, but if you insist."
Hermione: (Two inches!!) "Now, don't you want it?"
Ron: ( One inch!!) "Sure …"
BOOM!
(They straighten up and run to the entrance. Outside, a bamboozled, sooty Luna Lovegood was staggering until she finally drops back on the ground)
Hermione: "Luna? What are you doing here?"
Luna: "Oh, Hermione, Ron, hi! I was just trying a spell to reveal Wrackspurts, but it seems to have come off badly and it simply brought me here. What are you two doing here? Is Harry with you?"
Hermione: "No, we were alone ─"
Luna: "Ah, oh, did I interrupted anything?"
Ron: (Yeah, I should say so, you spoiler weirdo!) "Actually, we were just talking, and about to have dinner, so if you are busy ─"
Luna: "Ooh, not at all, I could join you if that's what you mean."
Hermione: "Not exactly, he ─"
Luna: "Do you have some pudding? I like pudding. And Plimpy soup. Hum, I forgot to give you Dad's recipe for that, sorry. But I could make some later!"
(She enters to the tent, followed by an astonished Hermione and a Ron with face of curse-her-curse-her-curse-her, sits at the table and starts eating)
Ron: (Whispers to Hermione) "How do we get rid of her?"
Hermione: (Whispers to Ron) "Let her eat and then I'll manage to ─"
Luna: "Hey, come on, don't leave me eating alone. I'm going to tell you how was the spell I was trying to perform, maybe you could help me …"
(Hermione sits on the chair left, Ron on an armchair, cross-armed, glaring at Luna, and she begins a happy chit-chat monologue)
Luna: "… and when I was spreading the Floo powder while doing the flourish with my wand, I was ─"
(Ginny Weasley, Ron's sister, appears inside the tent)
Ginny: "Hi Ron, Hermione … Luna? Wh—? Ok, it doesn't matter. Is Harry here?"
Ron: "Can you see him, maybe? Oh, wait, I have him in my pocket."
Ginny: "Such a lovely boy, you are."
Hermione: "No, Gin, he isn't here. Why are you looking for him?"
Ginny: "Oh, it's cause I miss him so much. I mean, he's not like my first boyfriend was … or like my second one, or my third one; not even like the last one: he's much better, and the best. Haven't it happened to you that somebody gives you a kiss that makes you forget all the previous ones?"
Hermione: (Mumbling) "I was about to find it out."
Luna: "I haven't kissed anybody yet. I'm waiting for the right boy for me, somebody as open-minded as me. How is kissing ?"
Ginny: "Amazing."
Hermione: "Sweet."
Ron: "Wicked."
(The three of them put dreamy faces while Luna looks at them curiously, eating pudding)
Luna: "Hey guys … guys? What is it? Oh, I know, Wrackspurts are invading the tent! I think I still have got a bit of Floo powder here, I can try ─"
Hermione: "No! We are ok, don't worry!"
Ginny: "But why isn't Harry with you? Why?"
Ron: "Well, we are not joined by the hip, are we, and if we wanted to be alone ─"
Ginny: "You wanted to be alone? Oh, I get it, I'm so sorry! And when it was about to happen at last ─"
Ron: "Wo wo wo, what does it have to happen? We wanted to be alone because ─ er, you know, to talk about .. er, the ─"
Hermione: "The match of the Chuddley Cannons last night. So, I don't know what were you thinking about ─"
(As Ginny snorts, a bunch of ten people or so, headed by Neville Longbottom, came into the tent, making din and wearing badges that change from red to blue to yellow and read "DA wanna take part")
Ron&Hermione: What the hell ─?"
Luna: (Rocking her legs out of the chair and sucking a cherry lollipop) Hi guys! How are you?"
Ron: "Who cares how are they, what are you bloody doing here?!"
Neville: "Hey, calm down. We are looking for Harry. It's that we think we really deserve to know what's going on with his plan, we want to help, we want to take part in this, this in not fair and we ─"
Hermione: (Stands up) "ENOUGH! We got it! What do we have to do with all of this?"
Neville: "We are looking for Harry, where's he? In the bathroom?"
Ron: "No! Not in the bathroom! I mean ─ he's not here!"
Ginny: "Yes, I found it out just minutes ago."
Neville: "Oh, hi, Ginny, sorry I didn't see you. So what were you and Hermione doing here without Harry?"
Hermione: "What do you mind? I'm so sorry, but we were about to have dinner, and we want a bit of privacy ─"
(At the word 'dinner', the new comers, gathered half outside, half over the threshold, spring in cries of delight, cramming themselves all inside the tent: in the kitchen, between the bunk bed, next to the bathroom, around the table, and start passing each other food)
Luna: "Oh, if you're all staying, I better cook that Plimpy soup for everybody because this food is not going to be enough; it's as if you weren't expecting anybody."
Ron: "We weren't expecting anybody, we wanted to be alone!"
Lavender Brown: "I knew it, I always knew it, Won-Won, you're such a git, I can't understand how could you ditch me for this!"
Lord Voldemort: "Me neither; that girl is hottest."
Everybody: "Aaaah, it's You-Know-Who!!"
Lord Voldemort: "Mwahaha, yes, it's me! But don't pay attention at all; I don't feeling like killing people today because a Bludger hit my left arm, my wand arm yesterday in the match I played with my Death Eaters …"
Ron: (Whispering) "He's left handed? And plays Quidditch?!"
Lord Voldemort: "Yes, that what I said, you insolent brat. Well, Lord Voldemort was saying: I'm looking for Harry P—"
Ron: "Bloody hell, HARRY IS NOT HERE ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Enough of your daring, filthy blood traitor! Passeroxis!"
(With a bloop!, Ron turns into a giant, flashy orange coloured fwooper)
Hermione: "Oh no!"
Lord Voldemort: Bwahaha! Now tell to Lord Voldemort where Harry Potter is. Is he in the bathroom?"
Ron: (Squeaks) "Not in the bathroom!"
Lord Voldemort: "So why he is not here with you, feathery? Don't lie to Lord Voldemort, he knows he is here; he aalwaays knows."
Hermione: "But he hasn't been here all night; it was only the two of us, and we were about to have dinner when ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Dinner? That reminds me I haven't had it yet."
(Lord Voldemort walks through the crowd towards the table)
Lord Voldemort: "Move off, snots! Step aside, you scoria!"
(He sits at the table, in front of Luna, who sucks a strawberry lollipop, and serves himself kidney pie)
Lord Voldemort: "'en, 'ow was 'e ma'er? Wer' plums' bun'h 'nd 'orm bo'k 'oin' to kiss?"
Ginny: "Oh, yes, I'd bet it."
Neville: "It looked so."
(Murmuring of agreement)
Luna: (Sucking an apple lollipop) "And when I arrived, I thought they even could be ─"
Ron & Hermione: "Doing nothing!"
Hermione: "We've told you, we were just having dinner and having a polite conversation about everyday life issues."
Lord Voldemort: "Don't lie to Lord Vol— hey, why Loony the weirdo has got a lollipop? I want a lollipop as well!" (Slams the table) "I order a lollipop, you will all pay the consequences!"
Luna: (Sucking a cola lollipop) "I have a lemon-flavoured ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Give it to me! Dwahaha, yum. I'm bad."
(A hooded, masked figure appears in the tent)
Yaxley: "My Lord, my Lord ─ are you here?"
Lord Voldemort: "Over here, Yaxley. What do you want here?"
Yaxley: "My Lord, we are confident we have Potter!"
Lord Voldemort: "Sounds cool. Where is he?"
Yaxley: "Erm … no, we are confident we have seen Potter."
Lord Voldemort: "Haven't you caught Potter, and you have seen him?"
Yaxley: "Well, we didn't dare, 'cause it resembled Potter, but we wanted to ask you first to be sure ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Dare? To be sure? We are evil! We do not mind killing a few more poeple! Where did you seen him?"
Yaxley: "Watching a Muggle sport, my Lord ─ cricket, I think."
Lord Voldemort: "Argh, such a bunch of good for nothing, Potter can't be watching cricket!"
(Two shrill voices issue from knee's level: they are the house-elves, now out of the bathroom)
House-Elves: "Excuse me ... I'm sorry ... sorry ... pardon … Where's Mr Weasley? We require payment for our services."
Ron: (Squeaks) "What? House-elves don't charge!"
House-Elves: "We are S.P.E.W. supporters!"
Hermione: (Suspiciously) "Ron, what is all of this about?"
Ron: (Squeaks) "Nothing, I'll ─ I'll explain you later."
Lord Voldemort: "Well done, long beaked! Inferior beings are made for serve us!"
Hermione: "But … but … please don't tell me you've used these poor little creatures! After all I've done for their rights!"
(She begins to cry, as Ginny taps her on the shoulder)
Lord Voldemort: "Oh my pants, you made the Mudblood weep. Silencio!"
(Hermione moans quietly)
Ron: (Squeaks) "Oi, why did you do that? She has the right ─"
Lord Voldemort: "You shut your trap, gaudy haired. This is getting boring. When is Harry Potter going to come? Lord Voldemort is waiting for him!"
Neville: "And so is the DA, right boys?"
Crowd: "Yes!"
Ginny: "And so I am, I really want to tell him how much I love ─"
Yaxley: "I'm waiting for you, my Lord."
House-Elves: "And we are waiting for our payment."
Luna: "I'm not waiting for anything."
Ron: (Squeaks) "The best you could do, 'cause there isn't payment and there isn't Harry; Harry is not coming, he doesn't know you all are here and doesn't even know we two were staying here, so why don't you look for him in another remote place? I'm tired of all this ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Keep quiet, budgie. You are tired? I am the only one in this tent with the right of get tired, and I am in fact. Nobody can understand me."
(At once, Hermione starts leaping in the spot, gesturing quietly)
Ginny: "She wants to say something."
Lord Voldemort: "And so?"
Ginny: "Erm … do you reckon you can lift the spell for a while?"
Lord Voldemort: "Oh, sure."
(Flicks his wand towards Hermione and points it to Ginny instead)
Lord Voldemort: "But you are the silent now. Silencio. What did you want, moaning Mudblood?"
Hermione: "I can understand you and I can tell you how you feel!"
Lord Voldemort: "Aha? Sounds interesting. Go on."
Hermione: "Well, it's obvious you are upset because a one-year-old defeat you when you were at the top of your game and is still avoiding you. I suppose that, besides, you're worried of he could have some power you don't. You feel cheated by your Death Eaters, because the good ones have left you and you keep only morons at your side, and you must also be afraid of what will people say when they finally count how many times Harry Potter has sneaked out past you. Anyway, it's more likely you are confused because you think you have wasted so much time at trying to kill him when you could have already got the whole world under your power, but still you doubt about you actually can have it. Oh, and as it wasn't enough, you are troubled because your new body sucks and you can't find a proper wig."
Lord Voldemort: "I ─ you can't ─ that's nothing ─ how dare you ─ nobody reads Lord Voldemort's mind! Av ─ Avad ─ vra ─ Aaaaaaah!"
BOOM!
(Trembles violently and explodes)
Crowd: "Ooh … Aah …"
Ron: (Squeaks) "I told you! If you had that lot of feeling, you'd explode! I knew it!"
Yaxley: "My Lord! What I'm gonna do now?"
Neville: "Is he … dead?"
Lord Voldemort: "Twahaha, no, he is not! Lord Voldemort will never die!" (Poor devils don't know I have a few Horcruxes spread all over the country … my soul is still here!)
Luna: "Really?"
Hermione: "Oh yes, Harry was taking charge of your Horcruxes, now you mention it."
Lord Voldemort: "What? How did you know what I thought? It was a thought, private trait!"
Hermione: "Right, but I guess it is all the same now ─ thought and said, I mean …"
(Ginny gestures Hermione. She flick her wand and Ginny recovers her voice)
Ginny: "I just wanted to say … I'm still waiting for Harry!"
Neville: "Yeah, we are too! When is he coming?"
Crowd: "Yeah, when?"
Yaxley: "Me too; since I have no master, I think I'm the new boss ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Boss your Dark Mark; I'm still here and I will be in a body again before you can say 'Voldy'."
House-Elves: "And we are waiting for the money! We have the right! S – P – E – W, S – P – E – W!"
(Everybody starts talking, shouting, complaining and messing again)
Ron: (Squeaky sigh) "I ─ I give up. I'm so sorry, Hermione. I only wanted it to be perfect and then, just look: the tent is crammed of weirdos looking for Harry and it all is ruined. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to ─"
Lord Voldemort: "Enough, squeaky! If I had a body, I would vomit of such a disgusting touching-ness!"
Hermione: "Oh, Ron! It's not your fault, and I don't care this tent is full of spoiling people watching us nor that you are a big fwooper to tell you that … I love you!"
Crowd: "Awww!"
Ron: (Squeaks) "I love you too, 'Mione."
Crowd: "Awww!"
Hermione: (Looks everywhere for Voldemort's soul) "May I?"
Lord Voldemort: "Where are you looking, Mudblood, I have been on this girl's shoulder since ever."
Lavender: Aaah! Get out!"
Lord Voldemort: "Oh, c'mon."
Hermione: "Finite jinxis."
(With a ploop!, Ron turns back to his own body)
Crowd: "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss …"
(Six inches) … (Five inches) … (Four inches) … (Three inches) … (Two inches) … (One inch) …
Harry Potter: "Hi guys, what are you all doing h—"
The whole tent: "Avada Kedavra!"