Everyone knows that Kate Beckett is a realist. She doesn't believe in fate; there is no magic, no Santa, and nothing is pre determent or written.
Kate Becket is a realist but even she has to admit that this was inevitable - just a matter of time, really - and the best she could have hoped for was to try and postpone it; fight every waking (and some shamefully unawake) moment in a desperate attempt to buy some time, and push it as far away as possible and do her best to prepare herself for that final moment when it all went down.
And now here she is, standing at a cross road needing to make a choice and she's not at all ready, all that time wasted for nothing.
She can suck it up, accept her suspension and use the time to keep investigating on her own, go rouge and see it through.
Because maybe, if she could finally put an end to her 13 years old quest, find the answers she's craving for and get the justice she so well deserves, then maybe she'll be able to start living her life, set free from the shadows that have been hunting her since that day - maybe she could finally be happy.
And maybe, just maybe, there is a chance that Castle will understand, that when the dust settles and it is all over, surely he will see it was worth it and he'll forgive her.
But then there is the chance she might never find the person behind her mother murder, that it will never be over and she will just keep running in circles till she drops.
There is even a worse scenario where she does find the killer but it's too late and he moves on, finds someone else who is fun and uncomplicated to spend the rest of his life with and then she'd be left with nothing, no one to chase after, no purpose and no Castle.
And that is just unacceptable. 4 years ago maybe, yes, but now? No way.
She can't even fathom that, can't stomach it and so she is left with one other option, the only option, really.
She'll quit, forsake her vengeance for this man who loves her so much he refuses to stand by and watch her throw her life away, trade the shadows of her life to the light that is him and finally, finally let herself love him. Because she does; she does so very much.
Because she can live without closure, won't get her mother back either way but she cannot live without him. She won't, she refuses.
And so she does. She quits and surprisingly enough leaving her gun and badge behind isn't as hard as she thought it would be - it's actually relatively easy considering - but its leaving her brothers behind that is hard.
Although, considering all that have happened they are probably better off without her anyway. She is so very lucky Ryan got there in time, that Espo only got out with a broken rib and a bruised ego, and maybe if she's gone they'll be able, with time, to patch up their bromance and repair the partnership they've spent years building that only took her days to destroy.
And it's not like they won't see each other again, they can still be friends, still be a family only a different kind.
She heads out to the elevators with a newly fierce determination, won't stop to ponder on the missing weight at her thigh - won't look at her boys knowing the hurt and disappointed look on their faces might make her stop and she can't; she can't stop now.
She needs to get to him, need to find him before he'll have the chance to build walls she herself only recently managed to break down around her own heart, knows firsthand how hard it will be to break them once they are up, and she doesn't have the power, doesn't have the time or the energy to start breaking another wall.
So she needs to get to him before he does something stupid - before he lets the pain take the reins and make the decisions - because she will never forgive herself if after all this time, after everything they went through to get here, it will be her stupid, stubborn heart that breaks them.
Time is running out and to be honest, it's possible she's already too late. She won't blame him if he refuses her, he already told her he loved her - twice - and she ignored it, dismissed it like it was just another one of his crazy theories, and really how much can one man take?
Well, she's acknowledging it now and she's ready to fight, camp outside his door; beg and plead and cry until he'll listen and give her the chance to prove that she sees him, she's never not seen him, always knew they'd get there, here, eventually - even though she is a realist.
She really isn't surprised when she finds herself on the swings soaked from head to toe with no memory on how she got there. It happens to her sometimes, that she's so deep in her own head that she isn't aware of what the other side of her brain is doing.
She was so busy trying to find the right thing to say - come up with the words to explain to him how she feels; how deeply and completely in love with him she is, how sorry, ashamed and just so stupid - that she's only now realizing that it's raining.
And of course it only fit that her subconscious would take her here, to their swings, to that last place where everything between them made sense. Where she made him a promise she would no longer have to keep while she hoped he would still keep his - at least for 20 more minutes until she gets there and releases him from said promise and then they can make new ones. Better ones.
She's ready to dive in, ready to be what he needs her to be, ready to let him love her even though she's convinced she doesn't deserve it.
Not yet any way, but she will. Oh god she will.
Just, please don't let it be too late.