Day 1

Eerm… Well. I'm not really liking this. I didn't manage to get my diary, so I have to start again in this notebook. I'll suppose I'll introduce myself then. Arthur Shappey! At your service today on board on this brilliant day. Ok, well, not anymore I guess… Kind of hard to explain. As i said, I'm not liking this. I mean, why does prison have to be this gloomy? Is that what prisons are for? Being gloomy? Grey walls, grey people, grey food. Bars. In front of the window. I bet you can't do that on an airplane. Have bars in front of the windows. People would complain it's ruining their view. The cabin was never this grey. I mean we had all kinds of colours. I really liked my uniform too. Now I'm just wearing this grey shirt and grey pants. As I said: Gloooooooomy…. Oh right, explaining why I'm here. I don't know myself actually. Mum said something about a trial and court, but I don't see what that has got to do with me. Cause the only ones who go there are the judge, the defenders and their criminals right? I'm none of those things! I'm Arthur Shappey. Cabin attendant. Well, guess I was that. Right now, I can't serve anyone drinks. I've tried though… They wouldn't listen to me trying to be nice, like a proper cabin attendant. Have to go now. They're yelling that we must turn off the lights.

Day 2

Mum came to see me. She was fighting back her tears. I can see that, even though she didn't want me to see it. See, that's how good I am at reading people. I found out that what I called "defenders" yesterday are actually called "attorneys". One came to see me. Mum brought her with her. She was a nice lady! She explained why I was here. Eventually… She had trouble with it at first. She went on saying things about a murder and what I witnessed that day. I didn't understand, I haven't witnessed a murder. Then, mum took Andrea (the attorney) apart and explained something to her. When Andrea came back, she looked at me with a really gentle look. When we finished talking I overheard mum and her talking and mum thanking her. I didn't hear much, but I did hear Andrea say: "Oh, I have a five year old nephew. I'm not used to cases like this, but it's a bit similar." Ok, let's explain this right now. I think there has been a tiny misunderstanding… Maybe not so tiny. Definitely bigger than a mosquito, but I don't think it's bigger than an elephant. I'll start from the beginning.

I went to look around the airfield, because someone had said geese were spotted nearby. I didn't want anything to happen to them, so I went and searched for them to help them get away and find a safe place, like a pond. The geese weren't very nice and I got my uniform dirty, so I went to see if we had a spare uniform. Suddenly, I see someone running towards me. They were bleeding and carrying a knife. I wanted to help, but I couldn't understand them. I got some blood on my shirt but I didn't mind, it was dirty anyway. The knife fell from their hands and I picked it up and tried to drag the person to someone who could help. But the person was heavy and I couldn't carry them, so I left them and ran towards the airport. Suddenly, there were police cars and police man and police everything! They saw me and them immediately put these cuffs on me, yelling and pushing me into a car. I saw mum and Douglas and Skip running towards us and that was the last thing I saw, the look on their faces when I was pushed into the car and we drove away.

That's how I ended up here. Like I said. I saw no murder and the person I left wasn't dead… yet, I guess.

I have to go again.

The other guys here still aren't friendly. I guess that's how they are.

I tried games today.

Didn't work…

Day 9

I haven't written in a few days. A lot happened though. I don't know why they won't listen. I told them the same story as I told here, but they wouldn't believe me. No evidence of that, they said. No one saw me not committing the crime and I told no one of my plan to help the geese. I talked with Andrea some more. She believed me, though she said the same. We couldn't support that story in court. Court… Guess I really am one of the three things I mentioned now, right? I'm a criminal, they say. They say, they say. Everyone says a lot. I've been there. Court, I mean. It was a brilliant building! So huge. I bet you could fit GERTI in that room. I was allowed to speak, but I was so nervous. I couldn't get out a word. I panicked and looked for anything, a sign of something. I saw them. Douglas, Skip, Mum. Sitting there. They weren't allowed to speak. So I told my story, knowing at least they would believe me and do something about all of this. Then there was this mean man, they say he was a "prosecutor" and he said I was lying and I couldn't prove anything. It was like one of those really bad dreams. Everything faded away like a dream too. Everything around me blurred as I heard the man saying things, awful things. I think my tears caused the blurring. It was all I could hear. That man saying that I did it, I killed him. They kept finding their way to my ears, those words. Until I heard a voice yell. A clear voice, I'd heard it so many times before. Skip, Martin, was yelling for me. Then the judge tried to shush him, but he wouldn't listen. I heard Douglas helping Martin. With his calm usual tone he always uses. No one would listen. I heard Douglas and Martin being taken from the room. I lifted my head, still had tears on my face and I looked up to mum. I asked her for help, make them listen like you usually do. She was crying too. I couldn't look at that, see mum's face like that.

They said that we would continue later. What is later? Five minutes? No, it wasn't that. I counted. I waited. It has been a couple of days now. How much longer?

Day 11

They gave me a sort of job. I have to give everyone their food. It's like I'm used to. Still no progress though. Not with anything. Getting them to listen and getting along with the others that are here. One even said he would punch me if I ever tried to play charades again. The guards here are not friendly either. Is anyone here? Gloomy. Everyone. Grey. Everyday, the same.

Day 16

I want to go. I miss mum. Where is she? Why me? I want to leave.

Day 20

They did actually punch me. The others. Next trial in three days. Am I ready for this? I don't know.

All I tried to do was help some geese.

Can't they understand?

Andrea came see me and help me prepare for the trial. She tried a different way of talking to me this time. She was really nice, actually played games with me.

I can see it in her eyes. Pity?

She is really good at some of the games! I had to explain the rules of course but she understood quickly. I want to play more. I want it to be like it was. Playing with her, it reminds me of being in GERTI. You know, flying and stuff. I can still see it when I close my eyes. Take-offs, landings. I repeat every flight I ever had with MJN in my head. Andrea listens to those stories too. She likes them, she says. She loves flying apparently. Polar bears too. They are still brilliant. I asked her why I haven't seen mum since the first trial. MJN was in trouble, she said. One of their cabin attendants being charged with murder wasn't good for business. She showed me a newspaper. Apparently, the dead guy was someone really important. Mum just had no time to come and see me. Martin was trying to help her and Douglas had his own problems with money because MJN was barely flying anymore.

Day 23

Trial. I'm tired, so tired. Twenty years, they said. Mum had to be taken out of the courtroom. They thought she would be unwell. Tired… Want it to end.

Day 30

It has been a week now. I finally stopped crying. I know what it means, I have to spend twenty years here. That's a long time. I just cried and cried into my pillow. Refused to eat. Sk-Martin came to see me. He couldn't say much more than stutter a few things. He would help mum, he would keep MJN going, if it was the last thing he did. I smiled at him. Just a smile. My face red from tears. Martin suddenly had to excuse himself. I hope he keeps them. All his promises. I can't do anything like that anymore.

Lights out.

Day 45

I am no longer the Arthur I was. I fought back today. I stood up when the others tried to break me. They were asking if I was going to cry some more. I was sitting there, blank look, ignoring them. Tried to block them out. Bullies, they were. Ignore them, mum always said. They didn't like it. They didn't like me punching them back either. I got punishment for it. I don't care.

Day 49

I want to die.

Day 51

I don't know what's happening to me. I-i-I-i-i don't like this… I want out. See the world. Fly with Skip. Have fun with Douglas. Laugh with Mum. Ride on a polar bear. Can you do that? I bet they have soft fur. Softer than this bed…

Day …

I don't know how long I've been away. Everything blurs together. I screamed. After I wrote the last entry, I screamed. I screamed that I hadn't done anything. That they were all wrong! Everyone of them! WRONG! They came at me, they held me down. Dragged me to a room, white, completely white. Am I wrong? Was I wrong this whole time? Screaming didn't help. No answer to my questions came.

They don't listen.

Da…

I'm bleeding. Red, like my uniform once was. Come and get me. Release me.

Wednesday

I'm a little better. They gave me pills. I understand that I can't go back. Not to that bubbly person I once was. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I denied all visits from anyone. I guess this is the last signing off of Arthur Shappey, cabin attendant and most ignorant, happy and silly man in the world.

Saturday

Did I really do it? Could I have twisted my memory? That happy personality, a charade. Pretending to be innocent, while hiding my true self. If that is true, have I found my real self now? Arthur Shappey murdered that politician that day. He rewrote his memory, convincing himself he didn't do it. Arthur Shappey wouldn't hurt a fly. Not him. Have I done this all my life?

Sunday

Monster, they call me. I've been acting like one. A wolf in sheep's clothing. If they are convinced I did it, that should be enough to prove it.

Monday

This is not me! No, I can't have done it. Stupid Arthur. Remember all the good times. Remember MJN. What is happening to me?

Thursday, 2nd of November.

This is a note from Dr. S.G. Frankers. Prisoner Arthur Shappey found in cell, refusing to eat, sleep or move. I have found this diary and as his newly assigned psychologist, I've read it to better understand him since he also refuses to talk. He has been taken in the medical wing of the prison and is undergoing treatment. I'm afraid there has been some great misjudging of the mental condition of Mr. Shappey. Mistakes have been made in the case too. The case will be reopened and investigation shall be more thorough. Mrs. Knapp-Shappey, I'm sending this diary to you. Your son has been through much and although I haven't been directly involved in this case till now, I know you were in a terrible condition caused by worry about your son. I will see to personally that he gets the right treatment and that he will heal. I realize I can't guarantee anything, but I will do all in my power to get everything back on the right track. I'm asking you to please trust me and support him. I believe in him.