'It was only one time', Hanna told herself, leaning back against the wall as she flushed the toilet, rubbing her now-itchy eyes with her clean hand. 'It was only this time. I'm never doing it again.'

She takes a deep breath and pushes herself up off the ground, walking over to the sink to wash her hands. She hoped she hadn't been loud; Alison was hosting a Christmas party at her house, half of Rosewood was in attendance. If someone had heard what she was doing, they'd tell her mother, for sure. That was not a conversation Hanna was looking forward to.

She hadn't planned on doing this, but all it too was one arched blonde eyebrow and a disapproving frown and Hanna was in Alison's bathroom, emptying her stomach into the porcelain bowl.

The mirror offered now comfort for Hanna's already diminishing self-confidence. Her goofy Christmas sweater did nothing but amplify her roundness, only topping it off with a few reindeer and jolly old fat man in a sleigh.

"You're not far from that," she announced quietly, her small voice echoing all around her. It bounced back and forth, going in both ears and twisting around in her brain before cementing itself deep in her subconscious. Hanna hesitantly lifted a hand, fingers tugging on the skin of her neck. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought about how much better her friends looked; no guy would ever give a second glance at Hefty Hanna.

Unlike Alison, where every guy was pining for her attention; her figure caught the attention of every teenage boy Hanna could only dream of getting close to. She didn't understand why she couldn't be like her - why she couldn't be her. Everyone wanted attention from Alison; Hanna was doomed to a life of loneliness.

Three soft raps on the door yanked Hanna from her gloomy thoughts, hastily turning off the faucet while wiping at her eyes.

"It's occupied," she answered calmly, thankful her voice didn't crack.

"Hanna?" It was Emily.

"Em, I'm kind of in here. Can't you use another bathroom?"

"I don't have to go. I just..." Hanna heard Emily inhale deeply. "You've been gone a while. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

Hanna's heart fluttered at her friend's admission. 'Good ol' Em.'

"I'm fine," she tried reassuring her, but her reply came out weaker than she intended, alerting the girl on the other side that Hanna wasn't, in fact, as okay as she wanted to be.

"I'm coming in." But before Hanna could protest, Emily had slipped inside, locking the door behind her.

They were silent, Hanna staring at the ground avoiding Emily's quizzical gaze. The brunette stepped forward, making Hanna take a giant step back. She didn't want to be touched. She felt gross.

"Han..."

"Emily, I want to be alone," Hanna tried to sound cold. She wouldn't allow Emily see her like this; she couldn't allow it.

"I'm not leaving 'til you tell me." Emily held her ground, stepping forward until Hanna was backed against the wall, tilting the blonde's chin up so she could finally look in her eyes.

'Broken', was all Emily could think, taking in the deep sadness that seemed to flood Hanna's blue eyes. It filled her with anger; not towards Hanna, but at whatever was making her feel this way. Emily had always seen Hanna with a smile on her face, cracking one joke after the next, but had she really been so blind to her friend's apparent suffering?

Without saying a word, she pressed her lips to Hanna's forehead, both sets of eyes closing at the contact. It warmed Hanna's body to the point she almost forgot what she had been crying about.

Almost.

As soon as Emily pulled away, Hanna crumbled into her arms, and that's where the two stayed for the rest of the party.

Emily was always worrying about Hanna, even when they weren't speaking. She'd see her in the halls and two things would happen: her heart would tingle, and worry would set in. She had lost a lot of weight, and Emily worried she hadn't done it in a very safe way.

But, she couldn't really ask the girl. They weren't on speaking terms, and it was rude to ask a question like that. Besides, it wasn't any of business, no matter how much she wanted it to be.

Hanna would see Emily in between classes, but she's never stop to say hi. They may be made eye contact twice a day, and each time her chest would ache. There was fear in Emily's eyes, but she couldn't quite pinpoint what it was aimed at. Was Emily afraid of her? What had she done to scare the girl? Why won't Emily just talk to her?

It's not like Hanna could blame her; she hadn't once spoken to the swimmer since Ali's disappearance, and she decided it was for the best. She needed to keep her distance, anyway. The way Emily made her feel safe was not a feeling she was used to. Just the other girl's presence in a room could calm her down (once, in their English class, Hanna had to present her project, and her nerves were out of control; she took one look at Emily in the back of the room and she her anxiety disappeared).

But Emily knew her secret. Maybe that's why she stayed away. Hanna knew Emily wouldn't say anything, but that's because Hanna had promised her she would stop.

And she did, for a while.

But she was back doing it again, crouching over toilets and spending most of her lunch period alone in the restroom. She was scared of anyone catching her, so she used the girls' bathroom in the locker room; no one was ever in there during lunch.

So there she was, hunched over a toilet, the last bit of hacking sounds being drowned out by the unmistakable squeaking of the locker room door.

Her heart stopped. Maybe they hadn't heard. She hoped they hadn't heard. She prayed they hadn't heard, and Hanna Marin is not one for praying.

"Hello?" The stranger called out.

Shit.

Hanna froze. She didn't dare move of breathe or god forbid, even blink. She didn't want anyone to know she was here. But the footsteps of the curious stranger drew closer, and she couldn't hide forever.

Each stall door made a sound as they were pushed open, tapping up against their metal walls and creaking shut again. When the footsteps stopped outside Hanna's stall, she heard the thud of someone's hand as it made contact with the locked door.

"Hey, is someone in here?"

Emily?

"Yes," Hanna hoped the two girls had spent so much time apart that Emily wouldn't recognize her voice.

"Hanna? Is that you?"

Crap.

She sighed. "Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing in the girls' locker room?" She could hear the smile Emily adorned. "I didn't think sports were your thing."

Hanna let out a breathy chuckle, but didn't say another word.

"What are you doing in here?" Emily broke the silence.

"Just... nothing."

"Hanna?" Emily sounded small. "Are you...?"

Her silence was all the answer Emily needed.

"Flush the toilet," Emily's voice was soft, yet demanding, but Hanna did as she was told, flushing the toilet and clambering to her feet.

"Unlock the door."

"Emily-"

"Hanna."

"No," she held her ground. "Go away."

"Don't tell me what to do," Emily sounded irritated.

"What?"Hanna gasped incredulously. "You were just telling me what to do!" Hanna was having trouble containing her emotions, her eyes welling with tears as the volume of her voice rose along with her impending thoughts.

"That was-"

"Emily, go away. I don't want you to see me like this." Hanna managed to choke back a sob, but could do nothing to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks.

They stood in silence, Emily's feet shuffling as she stepped away, followed by a tearing sound and running water before scampering back to her stall door.

"Open up, please. I want to help."

Hanna's heart thudded away in her chest, along with that family tightening she felt whenever she heard the brunette speak. 'She still cares,' Hanna thought, hands shaking as she reached for the handle and twisted open.

The door opened slowly on its own, revealing a beyond worried-looking Emily standing with her wet hair cascading over her shoulder, duffle bag tossed carelessly to the tile floor beside her feet. She reached for Hanna's hand, pulling her forward and over to the sink, wiping away the remnants of Hanna's returned lunch from her lips.

Hanna's eyes fluttered shut at Emily's soft strokes, remembering the kiss Emily placed on her forehead when they were in a similar situation not long ago. She could still feel the heat of Emily's lips on her skin, silently wishing that she would do it again, just so she could feel something.

To her astonishment, Emily pulled her into a bear like hug, burying her nose into Hanna's hair. Hanna's hart pounded away in her chest, betting Emily could feel the effect she was having on her.

"I don't care that we haven't spoken in a year, I'm always here for you, Hanna. I want you to talk to me." Emily whispered. "I still love you."

Hanna finally released the sob she had been holding back ever since the other girl had found her minutes before. She clutched on to Emily, feeling like if she let go, her world would slither away.

"I still love you, too."

It was the day before graduation, and Hanna was spending the night at Emily's house. Her mind was reeling, thinking back to the party they had just come from, how they had stuffed their faces along with all of their friends while making jokes and having a good time.

Emily could sense there was something wrong with Hanna tonight; the girl was always looking in the direction of a bathroom, refusing to eat in front of a crowd of people. Emily would just stand by her side, reaching down to interlace their fingers, making sure Hanna knew she was stronger; she wasn't that person anymore.

And throughout the night, Hanna had to resist the urge to cry, for Emily was giving her all the strength she didn't have herself, just by the simple feeling if their hands clasped together.

Now they were in Emily's bed, Hanna rolling over to face Emily's back, watching her breathe in deeply and breathe out slowly.

She loved moments like this, when she could just watch Emily be Emily, even when the swimmer was just sleeping. It reminded Hanna how vulnerable the girl could be, even though she had been Hanna's anchor whenever she needed her to be.

It was harder for Hanna to think that, in a few short months, she and Emily would no longer be within walking distance of one another. They'd be in different states, and what if she wasn't strong enough? Emily wouldn't be there to keep her strong.

She knew it wasn't the other girl's job to do that, to keep her strong, but without Emily, Hanna didn't know if she could breathe.

Hanna scooted closer, arms wrapping around Emily's waist from behind, her toes coming just short of Emily's mid-calf as she buried her nose in dark hair, inhaling slowly. She moved closer until there was no more space between them, Emily's back pressed firmly to her front, holding back quiet whimpers as she thought about never being able to do this again.

She thought about how her feelings for the swimmer had scared her from the very beginning; from the moment she saw her to every time she talked to her from outside a bathroom door, and up to this very moment, where even though she knew she had nothing to be afraid of, the power that Emily held over her - the power to keep Hanna calm - was the most terrifying thing she had to experience.

"Emily, I don't know where to begin," she whispered into thick, dark hair, "You mean the world to me. I can't think about being so far away from you. I just want you to be with me, all the time. You're going to Penn State while I'm in New York... I don't like thinking about it. I'm going to miss everything about you: your smile, your hugs, the way you hold my hand when you sense that I'm scared, the way you make me laugh when no one else can, the way you kiss my forehead whenever I'm upset. And I'm definitely going to miss the way you make me feel like I'm the only person in the room by just looking at me, even when we're with Aria and Spencer. Emily Fields, you're my best friend. I can't even think about not having you in my life, even if it's only for short periods of time; even if we will see each other between semesters and over breaks - that isn't enough for me."

Hanna didn't know that Emily had woken up midway through her speech and was listening intently, waiting for Hanna to stop crying before she turned over to face her friend. She wanted to tell Hanna all of those things, too. She wanted Hanna to know how much she meant to her, what she really meant to her.

"And..." Hanna croaked out, surprising Emily that she had more to say. "I want to tell you how glad I am that you came to the bathroom all those times, even when I pushed you away. Even when I yelled and screamed, you still stayed; you still stayed there and helped me. There aren't words to express how grateful I am for that - how grateful I am that you exist."

She couldn't take it anymore. Emily rolled over and gathered Hanna into an embrace, feeling cold toes press against her hot skin. Hanna's forehead was pressed against her own, their eyes locked while Emily traced patterns across her back, a lazy smile gracing her lips.

"I thought you were asleep."

"I was."

Hanna sighed before squeezing her eyes shut, her face twisting into an unreadable expression before it softened; a disbelieving laugh escaped her as she pulled the swimmer even closer.

"Damnit, Emily Fields, I think I've fallen in love with you."