Disclaimer: Do not own Smallville.
Summary: Once upon a time. . .
Of Fairytales and Rock Hard Abs
Once upon a time there was guy called Clark, and there was a girl called Lois. They met each other on a rainy day in Smallville, Kansas. Lois saw Clark's peep and Clark saw, well Clark didn't really see anything. But the moment he laid eyes on her he fell in love, his heart started beating faster, his palms got sweaty, and he was pretty sure that his dick twitched. The same could be said for Lois, when she got a look at that handsome face and his ripped body she swore she could feel butterflies –
"Woah. Hold up. Butterflies? Ripped body? Been reading Chloe's magazines lately Smallville?" Lois said, eyebrow cocked.
"Shut up. They are educational and are full of interesting and enlightening . . . education," Clark said.
"Uh huh," Lois said, now both eyebrows firmly raised, her mouth pressed in a thin line, barely stopping the oncoming giggles. "Whatever you say big guy,"
"I am totally ripped. See this woman? These are my rock hard abs and my glorious six pack," Clark said, gesturing to his midriff where indeed a glorious six pack resided, making women swoon and turning men gay, all across America.
Lois blinked at him, her mouth slowly forming a perfect oval. "Okay. Are you high? Been doing anything lately that you shouldn't have been? Anything at all?" Lois asked suspicion tinged in her voice.
"No. Unlike you I'm informed on various aspects of the English language," said Clark grumpily, crossing his arms across his chest a stubborn tilt to his chin.
Lois merely stared at him appearing to be listening while wondering if Clark owned any shirts that weren't plaid, but considering the one he had now - green and red, which made him, look like a freaking elf. A very very tall elf but an elf none the less – she guessed he didn't. She made a mental note to take Clark shopping and soon, or god forbid he'd start buying plaid trousers with plaid shoes and, and plaid hats! And when that happened, that was the day Lois knows for sure the world will be coming to an abrupt end. She shook herself out of her musings with a horrified shudder and nodded vaguely at whatever Clark had just said.
"Anyway, I did not get butterflies in my stomach when I saw your ugly mug or your body," Lois smiled sweetly at Clark. "I was too busy trying not to look down there," She risked a glance downwards to his crotch to explain her point.
"This is meant to be for children Lois. I can't exactly say, 'Lois was too busy trying not to ogle at Clark's penis so she missed the beautiful and breath taking art that was Clarks face' now can I?"
"Yet you have no qualms in professing to a roomful of children how your dick twitched,"
"That's . . . different," Clark said, nodding unconvincingly.
"Sure," Lois said. "How about I try telling the story now,"
"Go ahead" Clark said giving her the universal gesture for 'if you think you can do better'.
"Once upon a time there was this moron called Clark Kent. He was a hopeless pathetic loser. He wore plaid, he sang waffle time, he was a closet case Brad Pitter and he wore plaid. Then on one beautiful day filled with warm sunshine, a kickass girl called Lois Lane strode into Smallville and rescued the moron from his impending patheticy doom. She was the beacon of light for Clark Kent; she guided his useless ass into a life that was not so sad. She had grabbed him by the balls and –
"There are so many things wrong with that story that I want to cry," Clark said, shaking his head in wonderment. "One, I do not like Brad Pitt. Two, you are not kickass, Three? No way in hell are you a beacon of light. Oh and also just for clarification I do not like Brad Pitt. Might I also remind you that this is for children? So PG"
Lois muttered darkly about how Perry was the devil and how making her act out a fairytale story with Clark was not going to make her a more ''sensitive' person before replying; "I'm totally kickass Smallville. And I seem to recall someone having a Brad Pitt movie marathon,"
"With Chloe. Chloe being the emphasis here. She made me. She forced me against my will and me being the gentleman I am; I concurred and let her watch,"
"Bullshit" Lois said, and before Clark could retaliate she quickly interrupted, "So what are we going to do Clark? Your version is just stupid. And my version, though is simply fantastic is just too dark and monstrous for those wee little children,"
Fantastic his ass, thought Clark, shrugging slowly. "I don't know,"
"Real helpful,"
"I try,"
"How about we ditch this whole 'helping the children' thing and go get ourselves a burger," Lois said, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.
"Lois! No. Perry specifically asked us. And it's Christmas. If I have to dress in a Santa suit, then you're sure as hell gonna be there dressed in an elf suit telling this damn story with me," Clark said, leaving no room for Lois's insane plans.
"Fine," Lois huffed. "Why does it have to be a fairytale story? And especially why about us?"
"Because children love fairytales," Clark explained patiently. "And it's about us, because it just is. Okay?"
"But Clark, fairytales are bullshit! No one ever lives happily ever after. People live a miserable life full of pain and more pain before they die all alone on their kitchen floor while their cats eat them," Lois cried passionately. "That's just the circle of life or something of that sort," she finished quietly, her eyes resolutely staring at the hole in her jeans.
"Well, aren't you just full of happiness and cheer," When Lois didn't look up and acknowledge his teasing with a witty retort, he grew serious, his eyebrows furrowing in worry. "Hey, hey," he said soothingly patting her arm. "Look at me," Lois continued to stare downwards and Clark sighed. "Lois, look at me," He gently tilted her head upwards till her eyes met his. "You, Lois, are not going to die alone. You are going to live a happy long life filled with happiness and more happiness. You will die peacefully next to your husband, without your cats eating your dead corpse, okay?" Lois remained silent, so Clark asked again determinedly, "Okay?"
"Yeah. Okay," Lois said quietly and then a moment later, "You're such a girl Smallville,"
Clark laughed quiet and rich, "Sure am,"
"So is my husband Ollie?" Lois asked mischievously, knowing that was a sore spot for Clark, so she wasn't surprised when Clark growled possessively and captured her lips in a bruising kiss.
"Do you really want him to be?"
And Lois could, without a doubt say that, no, she didn't want Ollie to be her husband. Clark was just too good, to give up. Judging by the mile wide grin on Clark's face, he knew it too. She blushed prettily, "No and shut up," she added quickly.
Clark smiled, dimples in full force, "Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Lois and a handsome prince called Clark. Lois wasn't like any other normal princess. No, she was a stuck up bossy princess. She was demanding rude and shrill," Clark continued hurriedly when he saw Lois's glare, "But she was also kind and smart and independent. But no one ever got to see this side of her because a long time ago a very bad thing happened to her. Her mom had died when she was only a little girl so she had grown up, her heart frozen and locked away. All hope was lost that she would ever laugh bright and loud again, until Clark, the handsome prince, rode into town in his red truck. Day by day he carefully tore down the walls surrounding the princess's heart, till one day he found the key. And when the princess's heart was set free, she chose to spend the rest of her life with the handsome prince,"
"And. . . ."
"What do you think?"
"They lived happily after,"