Harry Potter and The Evil (but doesn't really know it) Mary Sue.
Okay, my second (and last! I promise!) Mock the Mary Sues Fic.
I have a very short theory on fanfics so if you want to read it go to
"The Damage Mary Sues Cause" – My first Mary Sue Fic.
For this Fic I devised a second theory on another piece of paper (definitely recycled)
I realised (after deep philosophical thought) that now there are more stories in which
Mary sues are insulted than actual Mary Sues.... Members of Fan Fiction... you
know what to do..........Slaughter the authors who slaughter the Sues!!!
But for now let's read what I have to kill...
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The doors of the great hall flew open, nobody noticed, this happened all the time. It was usually:
1. A Mary Sue
2. Crazy Person out to murder the Mary Sue
3. Voldemort
4. Person whining about how Voldemort is back and this time, means business. (cough, HarryPotter, cough)
5. And.... Yet another Mary Sue...
.
A tall, but not taller than Harry, Ron or Draco (or sometimes Hermione), girl skipped
down the aisle between the Griffindor and Hufflepuff tables, towards a reddening,
lemon faced1 and extremely impatient McGonagall and a depressed hat who, despite
being drunk and three times as mad as Dumbledore, Harry and Hagrid put together,
still managed to get one verse of song out before falling into a coma.
'When Pigzits was new,
And I started my job!
People came and one guy was kinda evil
Another guy was a pretty good guy and
The other two, who no one gave a crap about!
Eventually said: blah, blah, ya, ya, and.
...Dem... go... flam haf... and... ehh...'
By the time the girl had reached the stool The Hat was as good as dead and McGonagall had exploded.
'Screw it.' Mumbled Merl-, uh, Dumbledore 'Just toss 'er in the griffinthingy, Harry
needs a love interest so we can forget about Cho Chang immediately.'
At this point Cho Chang burst into tears and jumped out the window.
Harry looked up from his food at Ron and Hermoine. Hermoine was staring at Ron in
disgust as he shovelled food into his mouth in a manner commonly seen amongst
monkeys and Donald Trumps of the Amazon.
'Hey guys?' Harry began.
'Yeah?' Answered Hermoine, unable to take her eyes off Ron, who continued
shovelling as if it were a race and he was winning.
'When do you think would be an appropriate time for me to 'notice the new girl?'
'Um, maybe... when she... notices... you... And 'Mione... bursts out... in...
jealousy...' Said Ron between mouthfuls.
Harry looked away just as Hermoine turned into a cat and started attacking Ron. He
caught sight of the girl, although still in extreme blur, she was probably the most
beautiful thing in the world, possibly even more so than his emerald-green eyes. He
averted his beautiful eyes when she came closer and conveniently sat beside him.
'Ello! I'm Sugar Kane Kowalczyk!'2 She said in a rather pretentious English accent.
Harry knew that this was the big moment. He raised his head to speak but when he did
he looked directly into her purple eyes, those horrible purple eyes.
'AACK!!!'
Harry froze and fell over backwards, much in the style of an artist who had just had a fatal heart attack.
'You Killed Harry Potter!' Screamed Seamus Finnegan.
There was an awkward silence, during which everyone at Hogwarts tried to determine
Seamus' sexual orientation. It was eventually broken when Dumbledore stood up and yelled,
'EEEVVVIIILLL!!!!!!'
This was the signal for every student to take out their torches and set them alight, it
was time to hunt some witch.
They gave her the standard twenty-second head start. It took her eleven seconds to
figure out what was happening and a further five seconds to get out of the building after
someone had whispered it to her.
}}}INTERMISSION{{{
Sugar Kane Kowalczyk sprinted across the English countryside. She was far ahead
of the mob, many would think because she was brilliant at running (one of her many
talents), but realistically it was because three miles back the mob had turned on itself
after realising that they themselves were witches.
'Enough!' Cried Gandalf, er, Dumbledore 'Let us ride to... CAMELOT!!!'3
Harry: Camelot!
Hermoine: Camelot!
Draco: Camelot!
Ron: It's only a model...
Merl-, Dumbledore: Shh...
{Music yet again fades in}
Dun Da Dun Dun Dun!
"We're knights of the round table,
We dance when'er we're able!
We do routines and chorus scenes,
The footwork impeccable!
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!!!!....
.............................................................
..........FIN.....?...
}{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist....
Author's Note: I know King Arthur said "Let us ride to Camelot!" after Patsy
revealed it was a model but my version works with this plot so if you have a problem
why don't you go st- {Struggling is heard as the author wrestles with armed guards
who are trying to shove her in the trunk of her chauffeured limousine}
"mmhh, ahhhh, mmlahh!.... FICTITIOUS PRESIDENT!!!".
............
Other Author's notes:
1: Look at me I think I'm witty!
2: Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink!
3: At this point the author became lazy and decided to start writing the dialogue in script form.
Okay, my second (and last! I promise!) Mock the Mary Sues Fic.
I have a very short theory on fanfics so if you want to read it go to
"The Damage Mary Sues Cause" – My first Mary Sue Fic.
For this Fic I devised a second theory on another piece of paper (definitely recycled)
I realised (after deep philosophical thought) that now there are more stories in which
Mary sues are insulted than actual Mary Sues.... Members of Fan Fiction... you
know what to do..........Slaughter the authors who slaughter the Sues!!!
But for now let's read what I have to kill...
}{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{
The doors of the great hall flew open, nobody noticed, this happened all the time. It was usually:
1. A Mary Sue
2. Crazy Person out to murder the Mary Sue
3. Voldemort
4. Person whining about how Voldemort is back and this time, means business. (cough, HarryPotter, cough)
5. And.... Yet another Mary Sue...
.
A tall, but not taller than Harry, Ron or Draco (or sometimes Hermione), girl skipped
down the aisle between the Griffindor and Hufflepuff tables, towards a reddening,
lemon faced1 and extremely impatient McGonagall and a depressed hat who, despite
being drunk and three times as mad as Dumbledore, Harry and Hagrid put together,
still managed to get one verse of song out before falling into a coma.
'When Pigzits was new,
And I started my job!
People came and one guy was kinda evil
Another guy was a pretty good guy and
The other two, who no one gave a crap about!
Eventually said: blah, blah, ya, ya, and.
...Dem... go... flam haf... and... ehh...'
By the time the girl had reached the stool The Hat was as good as dead and McGonagall had exploded.
'Screw it.' Mumbled Merl-, uh, Dumbledore 'Just toss 'er in the griffinthingy, Harry
needs a love interest so we can forget about Cho Chang immediately.'
At this point Cho Chang burst into tears and jumped out the window.
Harry looked up from his food at Ron and Hermoine. Hermoine was staring at Ron in
disgust as he shovelled food into his mouth in a manner commonly seen amongst
monkeys and Donald Trumps of the Amazon.
'Hey guys?' Harry began.
'Yeah?' Answered Hermoine, unable to take her eyes off Ron, who continued
shovelling as if it were a race and he was winning.
'When do you think would be an appropriate time for me to 'notice the new girl?'
'Um, maybe... when she... notices... you... And 'Mione... bursts out... in...
jealousy...' Said Ron between mouthfuls.
Harry looked away just as Hermoine turned into a cat and started attacking Ron. He
caught sight of the girl, although still in extreme blur, she was probably the most
beautiful thing in the world, possibly even more so than his emerald-green eyes. He
averted his beautiful eyes when she came closer and conveniently sat beside him.
'Ello! I'm Sugar Kane Kowalczyk!'2 She said in a rather pretentious English accent.
Harry knew that this was the big moment. He raised his head to speak but when he did
he looked directly into her purple eyes, those horrible purple eyes.
'AACK!!!'
Harry froze and fell over backwards, much in the style of an artist who had just had a fatal heart attack.
'You Killed Harry Potter!' Screamed Seamus Finnegan.
There was an awkward silence, during which everyone at Hogwarts tried to determine
Seamus' sexual orientation. It was eventually broken when Dumbledore stood up and yelled,
'EEEVVVIIILLL!!!!!!'
This was the signal for every student to take out their torches and set them alight, it
was time to hunt some witch.
They gave her the standard twenty-second head start. It took her eleven seconds to
figure out what was happening and a further five seconds to get out of the building after
someone had whispered it to her.
}}}INTERMISSION{{{
Sugar Kane Kowalczyk sprinted across the English countryside. She was far ahead
of the mob, many would think because she was brilliant at running (one of her many
talents), but realistically it was because three miles back the mob had turned on itself
after realising that they themselves were witches.
'Enough!' Cried Gandalf, er, Dumbledore 'Let us ride to... CAMELOT!!!'3
Harry: Camelot!
Hermoine: Camelot!
Draco: Camelot!
Ron: It's only a model...
Merl-, Dumbledore: Shh...
{Music yet again fades in}
Dun Da Dun Dun Dun!
"We're knights of the round table,
We dance when'er we're able!
We do routines and chorus scenes,
The footwork impeccable!
We dine well here in Camelot,
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!!!!....
.............................................................
..........FIN.....?...
}{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ }{
I'm sorry, I couldn't resist....
Author's Note: I know King Arthur said "Let us ride to Camelot!" after Patsy
revealed it was a model but my version works with this plot so if you have a problem
why don't you go st- {Struggling is heard as the author wrestles with armed guards
who are trying to shove her in the trunk of her chauffeured limousine}
"mmhh, ahhhh, mmlahh!.... FICTITIOUS PRESIDENT!!!".
............
Other Author's notes:
1: Look at me I think I'm witty!
2: Nudge, Nudge, Wink, Wink!
3: At this point the author became lazy and decided to start writing the dialogue in script form.