I don't usually do the "react to last night's episode" oneshot thing, but between all the revelations and DC angst in the last episode, one stray comment did seem to offer some interesting opportunities.
Chuck vs. the Inquisition
After spending several hours helping Casey clear out his apartment, Chuck just wanted to go straight to bed. However, so soon after he'd opened the front door to his own place, he was confronted by the expectant face of his roommate.
"Hey Morgan, what's…up?"
"I kept my end up of the deal Chuck, so now it's your turn."
"I promise I'll clean the bathroom tomorrow."
"No. Not that. Don't you remember? You said that you'd tell me whatever I wanted to know about your missions!"
Chuck sighed. He had agreed to do that, but it had been under a moment of sheer panic. He'd hoped that Morgan would forget about it, but he should have known his friend wouldn't give up so easily. And, he had helped with the mission, even if it had been by accident.
"Ok, Morgan. What do you want to know."
"Hold on," Morgan retrieved a folded up piece of paper from his pocket. "I've been working on this all afternoon."
"Slow day at the Buy More?"
"Not particularly. But as Assistant Manager, I can delegate. Alright, question 1: Did Lee Harvey Oswald act alone?"
"Morgan, how would I know that?"
"It's not in the Intersect?"
Chuck shrugged. "I have no idea."
"Seriously? You've got the Wikipedia of government secrets up there, and you never too the time to browse? Chuck, I'm disappointed in you."
"Sorry, man. It just never occurred to me."
"Ok, well let's try now. I just say the name right, and you flash?"
"You already did say his name. Nothing happened."
"Maybe I have to say it louder, enunciate more, or something." Morgan stood up and cleared his throat. "Lee Harvey Oswald," he said slowly.
After a moment, Chuck shrugged. "Sorry. Nothing."
"Aha!" Morgan pointed. "That proves it! There is a government conspiracy."
"Morgan…"
"Ok, fine. I've got plenty more questions anyway."
"Wonderful." Chuck went to the kitchen to get something to drink. "Do we have anything in here other than grape soda?" his voice trailed back into the living room.
"Question number two: Have you ever tortured anybody, Jack Bauer style?"
"Morgan, Jack Bauer is a fictional character. And no, I haven't."
"What about Casey? I'll bet he's tortured a lot of people."
Instead of answering, Chuck reflected on his ex-teammates current plight.
"Just what I thought. I'll have to remember not to boss him around too much at work."
"Probably a good idea."
"Question 3," Morgan continued. "Is Bryce Larkin actually dead this time?"
"Yes, he is," Chuck sighed.
"Bummer. All this time I thought he was this jerk who'd screwed you over, but instead he gave this really cool gift."
"I wouldn't really call it a gift."
"Seriously? You got a do-it-yourself-badass kit. You know what I got for my last birthday? A Snuggie. But I digress. Question 4: Who else from your past has turned out to be a secret spy?"
Chuck didn't want to get into that one, not being anxious to bring up his father or Jill. Fortunately, Morgan didn't give him the chance.
"I've got it! Mrs. Danning! She has to be an evil agent of some kind."
"Our ninth grade World History teacher?"
"Of course. Nobody could possibly know that much about the Ottoman Empire without having some nefarious objective."
"Well, if I had to rank everyone I've known in likelihood of being a member of a secret terrorist organization, she'd probably crack the top five."
"Question five."
"How many of these do you have, Morgan?"
"27. But we don't need to go through them all right now."
"Wonderful." At least the questions had stayed away from Government secrets so far.
"Anyway, question 5. What is up with the Ring?"
"That's kind of an open-ended question, don't you think? I hope you aren't looking for me to answer in essay form."
"Ok, fine. I'll narrow it down. Do they realize they sound like a bunch of Lord of the Rings re-enactors? Not really intimidating."
"I imagine they're probably a bit busy to focus group their name."
"Well it wouldn't be that difficult. All you got to do is watch some movies. SPECTRE, SMERSH, those work. The Ring, not so much."
"Next interrogation, I'll be sure to bring it up."
"At least tell me their leader is a bald guy with a white cat."
"Question six, actually a follow up to question 2. Have you yourself ever been tortured?"
"Does right now count?"
"That's very cute, but seriously."
"There have been some moments I'd prefer not to relive."
"Fair enough. Question 7. Have you ever killed anyone?"
"No. Well, not exactly." Chuck tried to avoid the memory of what had happened earlier that day.
Morgan raised an eyebrow. "How do you not exactly kill someone?"
"I can't really divulge the details on that, you understand. Top secret."
"Nice. Ok, fair enough. Now, Question 8: I'm going to name some skills, and you tell me if you've ever flashed them."
"Does each one count as a separate question?"
"I was thinking of this as a single question with multiple parts, actually, but whatever. We can do it your way."
"Great, then go."
"Alright, race car driving."
"No."
"Flying an airplane."
"Not yet, but I have flown a helicopter. That wasn't the Intersect."
"Very awesome. Sword fighting."
"Yup."
"Cool. Jedi mind trick."
"Not actually a real thing."
"So, big no on the Jedi. Ventriloquism."
"Ventriloquism? Like with a dummy."
"Maybe, maybe not. Your choice."
"No, I've never had the need to be a ventriloquist on a mission."
"Bummer. What about juggling?"
"Seriously, Morgan. There isn't a lot of overlap between spying for the CIA and street performing at the Santa Monica pier."
"You never know. It could be helpful undercover. Which, brings me to my last question for the night."
"Thank goodness."
"So, Agent Walker. Is she as kick-ass as I can imagine."
Chuck paused. "Probably more so."
"Wow. So, we've already established that a) you're in love with her, and b) you've never slept with her."
"Is that another question? I thought we were done?"
"I lied. Sue me. So what's in your way?"
"Well, for one thing, she's seeing someone else."
"You're kidding. Who?"
"That's not an Intersect question. I don't have to answer you."
"It's not Casey, is it?"
"No, it's definitely not Casey."
"Oh God, it's that Shaw guy. You've got to be kidding me."
"What? You've met him once."
"Yeah, but that was enough. Well, anyway, that's good?"
"That's good?"
"Sure, he's no rival to you."
"You're kidding, right?"
"Not a chance. Seriously, the guy's like one of those guest stars they bring in on a TV show to break up the main couple for a few episodes, but not one of the cool ones, like Frasier Crane, that gets their own show. He's more like some guy they pulled off a soap opera."
"That's…an interesting theory."
"The point is, he's nothing to stand in your way. Even if you can't do the Jedi Mind Trick on him."
"So, are we done for tonight?"
Morgan yawned. "Yeah, that was some pretty intense interviewing. I'm kinda beat myself. But don't forget we still have more questions."
"Right, how many are left on here?
"On this one. 17. But, don't forget this is only page one."
Chuck burrowed his head deeply into the couch. Next time, if given the chance, maybe he'd tell Lester his secret instead.
End.
Oh yeah, for the record I don't own 'Chuck', 'Cheers', 'Frasier', '24', 'Star Wars', 'James Bond', the Lord of the Rings, or Snuggie (the company – or an actual Snuggie).