I'm still writing "Quagaar" I just decided to write something a little more comedic. (Is comedic a word?). Anyway I was originally going to write about the time they searched the ship for aliens and found a sock. But suddenly this brilliant (Yeah right) story came to me. It is set in between series 4 and series 5. It only has one part.
I do not own Red Dwarf or any of its characters.
The crew were in the drive room when it happened. Lister was playing Tetris on the main monitor, Rimmer was telling him off, Kryten was cleaning and the Cat was combing his hair. It looked like it was going to be a normal day.
Holly's face appeared over the Tetris game.
"Hol." Moaned Lister, pressing the pause button, "I almost had a complete line there. This better be good."
"Oh it is Dave. I have located a non-human life-form on the ship." Rimmer looked up a sneer on his face.
"Oh. You mean like last time when it turned out to be a............" he trailed off as he remembered what it was last time.
"A Polymorph." Finished Holly.
"Well what about the time before? It was a sock then."
"I'm not always wrong though."
"Holly's right though sir." This came from Kryten (obviously). "Even it is only another sock it is important that we make sure that it isn't another Polymorph." Lister turned off the game.
"Come on then." He said. "Where did you last see it Hol?"
"I saw it down in the cargo decks. Then I lost it." (Notice how it's always in the cargo decks. What's up with that?)
"When?" Said the Cat looking alert.
"10 minutes ago."
"Hey, I was down there 10 minutes ago. I could have been eaten. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know you were down there."
"Come on." Said Lister again, picking up the bazookoid.
"Hey. Let me change my clothes. These are not the sort of clothes you wear if you're gonna be attacked by a Polymorph."
Half an hour later the crew were looking around the cargo decks when Holly spoke to them via Lister's watch (Well they did have it in series 2's Stasis Leak.)
"Hang on. I've found it again. It seems to be following you." The crew as one looked behind them.
"I don't see it." Said Kryten. "Switching to infra-red mode. Nope. Still not here."
"Well trust me. It's there I advise you to run." The crew didn't need to be told twice.
The crew ran on for a long time the silence occasionally broken by Holly saying:
"Still behind you." Until they reached a dead end.
"We're finished." moaned Rimmer.
"No we're not." Replied Lister aiming his bazookoid. The others followed suit.
5 minutes later..............
"My arms tired." Said the Cat putting down his bazookoid.
"Where is it now Hol?"
"It seems to be in there with you." A horrible thought struck Kryten.
"Erm.... Holly. I don't mean to be disrespectful but...... has it occurred to you that a Cat is not a human life form."
There was a long silence.
"Oops."