PROMISE
song: promise - Krezip
pairing: Harry/Hermione
author: Nanja
(c) to J.K. Rowling (the 'you' in this song is suppose to be Harry, the I/me is Hermione)
Harry was awake. Wide awake. Afraid to close his eyes. Afraid to lose his thoughts to someone. To the person who made his life what it was. A hell. and everyday of his long summer vacation, he had to practise. Practise closing his thoughts. Closing his mind. And he tried to do it. He really did.
*Sometimes, somewhere, You try to hide your mind for good*
But he couldn't. He was too unconfident. Too mizerable. Too weak. And most of all; too lonely. With no one around to have a decent conversation with and with only an owl to contact his friends, it was the same like losing a battle over and over again. It wasn't fair. Why did it had to be him? He never chose to be this way. To be this Harry. To be the boy who lived. Heck, if he had to choice now, he'd rather die. But he couldn't say. He couldn't die now. Nobody would understand why. Nobody knew what he was feeling.
*You know it ain't fair, But you're just misunderstood*
Somehow he had to make it through this summer. And when the day finally came, the day he saw his friends again at the Leaky Cauldron, he wanted to tell them he'd give up...
'Harry,... finally!' Hermione sighed at the sight of her friend. She hugged him for a sec and released him, so Ginny could hug him also. Harry felt as if his bad mood melted away. He shook hands with Ron and the four of them made their way into the cafe.
The four of them sat down in a corner that was cozy and warm. Harry sat across Hermione and next to Ron, who ordered them Butterbeers. The four of them didn't say a word. All of them knew it had been the worst summer of their lives. Ron and Ginny's family was a mess; Percy was still not contacting them in any way of communication, their father almost got sacked while mrs. Weasley was hardly controlling her anger. Hermione had to stay at Grimmauld place number 12 to help around the order. Usually they didn't let students interfear, but Hermione knew too much to reject. Harry gave her a quick look. She was certainly more mature than last year. Maybe because of the situation. He shook his head. She was Hermione. She had always been more mature than any one of them. But still... his eyes gave her another quick look.
After half an hour, Ron and Ginny excused themselves to go and unpack their trunks before their mother would arrive. Hermione suddenly started a conversation. 'I can't stand working at Grimmauld place,..' Harry's eyes looked up at her. 'It must've been so hard for you. I can't imagine what it is to..lose someone. It's so difficult for me to tell you that I'll always be there. But I will. So.. if you want to talk about it. Or if you don't want to talk about it. It doesn't matter to me.' She spoke, soft and carefull. Harry held his breath for a second, not knowing how to respond. Before he could say anything, Hermione added; 'you don't have to tell me, I am not pushing you to anything, but,..' she looked up at him 'would you like to live at Grimmauld place too?' Harry raised his eyebrows. 'I mean,.. well,.. Dumbledore says you can,.. it's as dangerous at Privet Drive than there and,.. well, I'm quiete on my own there,.. wouldn't mind company' she added, a bit uneasy. Harry's heart skipped a beat. He was able to leave his uncle and aunt for good? But there was one thing that bothered him. It was Sirius' house. His mind raced. He couldn't decide. Though the choice wasn't that hard, the memories were pulling him back. How could he respond?
*Now try, just try to say
What's on your mind*
Hermione stood up. 'You don't have to answer,.. not yet. You can think about it,... ' she whispered, before taking the stairs up to the rooms. Harry was left with a slightly miserable feeling.
the next day they went to Daigon Alley to buy some new things, though they didn't need that many books as the year before. Hermione easily avoided all of Harry's looks. Harry didn't mind that much; he still hadn't figured out wheter he'd go or not. After buying a few new books, they sat down in front of a little shop. 'Are you going to stay at Grimmauld Place? I heard from dad Dumbledore's alright with it,..' Ron suddenly said. Harry shrugged. 'I don't know...' Ginny raised her eyebrows 'Why not? I see no reason,...oh' she finished, suddenly remembering why. 'Yeah,.. that's hard' Ron said. Harry nodded. Hermione cast her eyes down.
Before Hermione went to bed, Harry grabbed her arm and pulled her to the nearest corner. 'It's okay. I thought about it, but I want to go. As long as you are there,..' he said, a bit shaking, but determind. Hermione smiled. 'I'll be there. I already told you.'
*So you took it on*
The next day, Hermione explained they had to go to Grimmauld place before returning to Hogwarts. 'Dumbledore's there too. He wants to make sure we're alright with... everything.' And so they left, together with mrs Weasley, off to Grimmauld place number 12.
As they entered the hause, Harry got a heavy feeling over his whole body. His legs wouldn't move anymore. He stood frozen in front of the stairs. The whole house seemed to be Sirius. Every wall was how it had to be, Sirius- style, he couldn't describe. But everything caused him pain to look at.
*so you took it home
And there we go again
So you took it on*
Hermione walked to her room. She sat down on the edge of her bed. What had she done? She had pushed him,.. pushed him to come here. Pushed him to go here, just to accompany her. She was selfish. Wasn't she? She looked at the mirror in front of her. What was wrong with her? Was there a reason why she was so desperate to have him here? By her side?
*and there I tried to see
Why this is not me*
She hung her head down. It was hopeless. There was no explanation for her behavior. Maybe, she tried to bring it soft and gentle towards him, but she really wanted to drag him into the house. To lock him up here. With her. Without a reason. So they would be together. It would be better for him. And better for her. Better for them both. Right? But this was wrong. It was so wrong of her to think he was up to it. He had lost Sirius. His godfather. And now he was in his house. And she made him come here. But from now on, she wasn't going to push him anymore. she was going to try and see what was on his mind. his feeling were more important at the moment than hers.
*I'll try, I'll try to see
What's on your mind*
that evening, Harry was alone in the library. His mind was thinking so hard that his scar hurted. He had loads of things to take in. Every single thing in this house seemed to scream 'Sirius!' and every step he took made him think back of the day his godfather died. He couldn't stay here. He had to go back to the Leaky Cauldron.
The next morning, Harry told Hermione he wasn't up to it. She looked shocked, but recovered and returned a warm and understanding smile. 'It...doesn't matter. I understand.' She said. But Harry could hear a dissapointed undertone in her voice. He looked into her eyes. Her eyes. They were hazelbrown. He never noticed they were so warm. So gentle. So pretty. They seemed endless as he stared into them. 'I...I promise I will tell you,.. when I'm ready,..' he said, now reaching for her hand. As he grabbed her hand and stroke it carefully, he felt how his heart became warm. It was almost melting. The warmth she was giving him, it almost feeled like love. Not just friendship. Hermione closed her eyes for just a second, to take in every bit of this moment. He was holding her hand. He was stroking her hand. She wanted him to never let go of her. He let go of her hand. She almost wanted to grab his hand back into hers. 'I...' she began. Harry cast his eyes down. There was more than friendship. There was more. He knew it. But could he tell? 'I will tell you... when I'm upto it,..' he said, before turning around and closing the door behind him.
*Promise that you will say
Promises made so I'll just wait
Promise that you will tell*
Their first schoolday went smoothly; Harry arrove just in time to find a seat next to Hermione and Ron before the festivities had started. Harry wanted to look more secure in Hermione's eyes as he did when he left. So he didn't speak about Voldemort, or Sirius, or any battle. He just talked about Quidditch and school. Ron reminded him they had Quidditch practise somewhere this week.
'I'm really looking foward to it!' said Ron, while eating a piece of pumpkinpie. Harry grinned. Though he felt a bit guilty, having fun while Sirius,... he really had to stop thinking of it.
Hermione observed Harry with a penetrating look. He was trying to act more secure. She knew for sure. He couldn't have recovered that soon from the shock. He couldn't have,...
That night in the common room, Ron left early so he would be fit for next day's Quidditch training. Harry and Hermione sat next to the fire. Harry started to talk about Quidditch, again, for about the sixth time that day. Hermione sighed. he was running out of subjects. Soon, they would find themselves in an awkard silence. After a while, Hermione began; 'You're trying to push it off of yourself, aren't you? Locking it away,...' Harry tried to act surprised, but his mask slowely faded. There was no way he could pretend everything was okay. 'There's no need for you to hide your emotions,.. when you're with me. I understand it completely. And if you thing I don't, I can always learn,...' she added. 'I,...I was doing it,.. for you. I don't want to look... ' he paused in search for the right word 'I don't want to look weak in your eyes.' He finished. Hermione narrowed her eyes in pain. 'Harry,... it's only human to have emotions,..'
*Why don't you know, why can't you see
That's it's not what it's supposed to be
Just what you are trying to be for me*
Harry wrapped his hand around his glas of pumpkinjuice so hard, his knuckles turned white. What was he suppose to do? Cry? In front of a girl? In front of the girl he didn't want to see him cry? In front of the girl who ment more to him? Who ment almost everything? He couldn't just cry, could he? 'Harry, if you want to do something.. for me.. than stop acting like you're alright with it.' She began softly. Harry looked at her, confused. Hermione smiled. 'you must know,.. by rejecting the situation,.. by hiding your emotions,.. you're not making it,.. easier,..' she bend towards him, so her face was inches from his 'for me,...' she whispered, her eyes making contact with his.
*Know, see
You're trying to make it right for me
Trying to see what it should be, for me*
Harry felt his heart beating much faster than it was acutally allowed and he started to sweat. She was,.. close. But she was Hermione. She wasn't Cho. She wasn't Ginny. She wasn't another girl, she was Hermione. But at this point, he didn't want her to be anyone else than Hermione. He kissed her. Not once. Not quick. But twice. Maybe even more. And long. Sweet. He wanted it to last forever.
The next day, the next week, the rest of his life he didn't have a hard time to display his emotions towards Hermione at all. She was there. She had promised. And she was. Even though he couldn't stand being at Grimmauld place, she was there for him. Together they made it.
song: promise - Krezip
pairing: Harry/Hermione
author: Nanja
(c) to J.K. Rowling (the 'you' in this song is suppose to be Harry, the I/me is Hermione)
Harry was awake. Wide awake. Afraid to close his eyes. Afraid to lose his thoughts to someone. To the person who made his life what it was. A hell. and everyday of his long summer vacation, he had to practise. Practise closing his thoughts. Closing his mind. And he tried to do it. He really did.
*Sometimes, somewhere, You try to hide your mind for good*
But he couldn't. He was too unconfident. Too mizerable. Too weak. And most of all; too lonely. With no one around to have a decent conversation with and with only an owl to contact his friends, it was the same like losing a battle over and over again. It wasn't fair. Why did it had to be him? He never chose to be this way. To be this Harry. To be the boy who lived. Heck, if he had to choice now, he'd rather die. But he couldn't say. He couldn't die now. Nobody would understand why. Nobody knew what he was feeling.
*You know it ain't fair, But you're just misunderstood*
Somehow he had to make it through this summer. And when the day finally came, the day he saw his friends again at the Leaky Cauldron, he wanted to tell them he'd give up...
'Harry,... finally!' Hermione sighed at the sight of her friend. She hugged him for a sec and released him, so Ginny could hug him also. Harry felt as if his bad mood melted away. He shook hands with Ron and the four of them made their way into the cafe.
The four of them sat down in a corner that was cozy and warm. Harry sat across Hermione and next to Ron, who ordered them Butterbeers. The four of them didn't say a word. All of them knew it had been the worst summer of their lives. Ron and Ginny's family was a mess; Percy was still not contacting them in any way of communication, their father almost got sacked while mrs. Weasley was hardly controlling her anger. Hermione had to stay at Grimmauld place number 12 to help around the order. Usually they didn't let students interfear, but Hermione knew too much to reject. Harry gave her a quick look. She was certainly more mature than last year. Maybe because of the situation. He shook his head. She was Hermione. She had always been more mature than any one of them. But still... his eyes gave her another quick look.
After half an hour, Ron and Ginny excused themselves to go and unpack their trunks before their mother would arrive. Hermione suddenly started a conversation. 'I can't stand working at Grimmauld place,..' Harry's eyes looked up at her. 'It must've been so hard for you. I can't imagine what it is to..lose someone. It's so difficult for me to tell you that I'll always be there. But I will. So.. if you want to talk about it. Or if you don't want to talk about it. It doesn't matter to me.' She spoke, soft and carefull. Harry held his breath for a second, not knowing how to respond. Before he could say anything, Hermione added; 'you don't have to tell me, I am not pushing you to anything, but,..' she looked up at him 'would you like to live at Grimmauld place too?' Harry raised his eyebrows. 'I mean,.. well,.. Dumbledore says you can,.. it's as dangerous at Privet Drive than there and,.. well, I'm quiete on my own there,.. wouldn't mind company' she added, a bit uneasy. Harry's heart skipped a beat. He was able to leave his uncle and aunt for good? But there was one thing that bothered him. It was Sirius' house. His mind raced. He couldn't decide. Though the choice wasn't that hard, the memories were pulling him back. How could he respond?
*Now try, just try to say
What's on your mind*
Hermione stood up. 'You don't have to answer,.. not yet. You can think about it,... ' she whispered, before taking the stairs up to the rooms. Harry was left with a slightly miserable feeling.
the next day they went to Daigon Alley to buy some new things, though they didn't need that many books as the year before. Hermione easily avoided all of Harry's looks. Harry didn't mind that much; he still hadn't figured out wheter he'd go or not. After buying a few new books, they sat down in front of a little shop. 'Are you going to stay at Grimmauld Place? I heard from dad Dumbledore's alright with it,..' Ron suddenly said. Harry shrugged. 'I don't know...' Ginny raised her eyebrows 'Why not? I see no reason,...oh' she finished, suddenly remembering why. 'Yeah,.. that's hard' Ron said. Harry nodded. Hermione cast her eyes down.
Before Hermione went to bed, Harry grabbed her arm and pulled her to the nearest corner. 'It's okay. I thought about it, but I want to go. As long as you are there,..' he said, a bit shaking, but determind. Hermione smiled. 'I'll be there. I already told you.'
*So you took it on*
The next day, Hermione explained they had to go to Grimmauld place before returning to Hogwarts. 'Dumbledore's there too. He wants to make sure we're alright with... everything.' And so they left, together with mrs Weasley, off to Grimmauld place number 12.
As they entered the hause, Harry got a heavy feeling over his whole body. His legs wouldn't move anymore. He stood frozen in front of the stairs. The whole house seemed to be Sirius. Every wall was how it had to be, Sirius- style, he couldn't describe. But everything caused him pain to look at.
*so you took it home
And there we go again
So you took it on*
Hermione walked to her room. She sat down on the edge of her bed. What had she done? She had pushed him,.. pushed him to come here. Pushed him to go here, just to accompany her. She was selfish. Wasn't she? She looked at the mirror in front of her. What was wrong with her? Was there a reason why she was so desperate to have him here? By her side?
*and there I tried to see
Why this is not me*
She hung her head down. It was hopeless. There was no explanation for her behavior. Maybe, she tried to bring it soft and gentle towards him, but she really wanted to drag him into the house. To lock him up here. With her. Without a reason. So they would be together. It would be better for him. And better for her. Better for them both. Right? But this was wrong. It was so wrong of her to think he was up to it. He had lost Sirius. His godfather. And now he was in his house. And she made him come here. But from now on, she wasn't going to push him anymore. she was going to try and see what was on his mind. his feeling were more important at the moment than hers.
*I'll try, I'll try to see
What's on your mind*
that evening, Harry was alone in the library. His mind was thinking so hard that his scar hurted. He had loads of things to take in. Every single thing in this house seemed to scream 'Sirius!' and every step he took made him think back of the day his godfather died. He couldn't stay here. He had to go back to the Leaky Cauldron.
The next morning, Harry told Hermione he wasn't up to it. She looked shocked, but recovered and returned a warm and understanding smile. 'It...doesn't matter. I understand.' She said. But Harry could hear a dissapointed undertone in her voice. He looked into her eyes. Her eyes. They were hazelbrown. He never noticed they were so warm. So gentle. So pretty. They seemed endless as he stared into them. 'I...I promise I will tell you,.. when I'm ready,..' he said, now reaching for her hand. As he grabbed her hand and stroke it carefully, he felt how his heart became warm. It was almost melting. The warmth she was giving him, it almost feeled like love. Not just friendship. Hermione closed her eyes for just a second, to take in every bit of this moment. He was holding her hand. He was stroking her hand. She wanted him to never let go of her. He let go of her hand. She almost wanted to grab his hand back into hers. 'I...' she began. Harry cast his eyes down. There was more than friendship. There was more. He knew it. But could he tell? 'I will tell you... when I'm upto it,..' he said, before turning around and closing the door behind him.
*Promise that you will say
Promises made so I'll just wait
Promise that you will tell*
Their first schoolday went smoothly; Harry arrove just in time to find a seat next to Hermione and Ron before the festivities had started. Harry wanted to look more secure in Hermione's eyes as he did when he left. So he didn't speak about Voldemort, or Sirius, or any battle. He just talked about Quidditch and school. Ron reminded him they had Quidditch practise somewhere this week.
'I'm really looking foward to it!' said Ron, while eating a piece of pumpkinpie. Harry grinned. Though he felt a bit guilty, having fun while Sirius,... he really had to stop thinking of it.
Hermione observed Harry with a penetrating look. He was trying to act more secure. She knew for sure. He couldn't have recovered that soon from the shock. He couldn't have,...
That night in the common room, Ron left early so he would be fit for next day's Quidditch training. Harry and Hermione sat next to the fire. Harry started to talk about Quidditch, again, for about the sixth time that day. Hermione sighed. he was running out of subjects. Soon, they would find themselves in an awkard silence. After a while, Hermione began; 'You're trying to push it off of yourself, aren't you? Locking it away,...' Harry tried to act surprised, but his mask slowely faded. There was no way he could pretend everything was okay. 'There's no need for you to hide your emotions,.. when you're with me. I understand it completely. And if you thing I don't, I can always learn,...' she added. 'I,...I was doing it,.. for you. I don't want to look... ' he paused in search for the right word 'I don't want to look weak in your eyes.' He finished. Hermione narrowed her eyes in pain. 'Harry,... it's only human to have emotions,..'
*Why don't you know, why can't you see
That's it's not what it's supposed to be
Just what you are trying to be for me*
Harry wrapped his hand around his glas of pumpkinjuice so hard, his knuckles turned white. What was he suppose to do? Cry? In front of a girl? In front of the girl he didn't want to see him cry? In front of the girl who ment more to him? Who ment almost everything? He couldn't just cry, could he? 'Harry, if you want to do something.. for me.. than stop acting like you're alright with it.' She began softly. Harry looked at her, confused. Hermione smiled. 'you must know,.. by rejecting the situation,.. by hiding your emotions,.. you're not making it,.. easier,..' she bend towards him, so her face was inches from his 'for me,...' she whispered, her eyes making contact with his.
*Know, see
You're trying to make it right for me
Trying to see what it should be, for me*
Harry felt his heart beating much faster than it was acutally allowed and he started to sweat. She was,.. close. But she was Hermione. She wasn't Cho. She wasn't Ginny. She wasn't another girl, she was Hermione. But at this point, he didn't want her to be anyone else than Hermione. He kissed her. Not once. Not quick. But twice. Maybe even more. And long. Sweet. He wanted it to last forever.
The next day, the next week, the rest of his life he didn't have a hard time to display his emotions towards Hermione at all. She was there. She had promised. And she was. Even though he couldn't stand being at Grimmauld place, she was there for him. Together they made it.