TITLE: Words Left Unsaid
AUTHOR: Emily
DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. I don't own Carter, Abby, or any part of ER. As much as I wish I would, it just doesn't happen. Oh well, that's why I make up stories. Pretending I own them is better than nothing.
SUMMARY: Set during Kisangani and I guess a little post-Kisangani. No spoilers here. Umm...it's partly in the form of a letter written by Carter to Abby, of course. Please just read it.
A/N: Not much I gotta say, except r 'n' r. Just hit the button at the bottom. It's not so hard is it? And if you feel like it, drop me a line at diddy988@aol.com, reviews make me happy! And i'm thinking of leaving this as a standalone. I don't know...maybe another chapter. We'll see!
...and so, without further ado...
He sat in the back seat of one of Chicago's many cabs contemplating his decision on whether or not he should go to her apartment. He had to go to her. Try and fix things. Somehow. He knew what he did a few weeks ago was the worst thing he could do to her. To leave her without so much as a proper goodbye. The whole time he was in Africa he thought about her. Whether they still had a chance to go back to what they were before he left. If she would give him a chance. Not that he deserved it. It's just, he had to try. He had to apologize and tell her how he really felt.
The cab pulled up in front of the ever-so familiar apartment he called home. It was really her home, but it had been renamed 'theirs' ever since he moved in. He paid the driver and walked slowly to her door. It didn't matter that it was pouring outside. It felt good. Africa hadn't seem much rain during the time he was there. He almost forgot what Chicago weather was like.
Stumbling on the last step, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the spare key he had. He looked at it and smiled for a second, remembering when she gave it to him. The grin on his face was immediatly wiped away once he realized what could happen after he entered the house.
The lights were off. Of course they were, it was the middle of the night. She must be sleeping. Either that or working. He hoped she was there, awake, so he could talk to her right away. He set his bag down on the ground and walked into the kitchen as quietly as he could. He threw his coat onto the table and just looked around. He noticed a small light coming from the bedroom. The door was open.
He crept over towards the soft, shimmering light and peered into the bedroom. There she was. She looked so peaceful, lying there wrapped up under the heavy blankets. He smiled again and tiptoed over to the side of the bed. He couldn't wake her up. Not now. Not after seeing her sleeping like that. He placed a small kiss on her forehead and sat down beside her on the bed, careful as not to wake her up.
He stared at her and smiled. So many thoughts went through his mind. He turned his head and placed his head in his hands. He felt like crying but the tears just didn't come. And for that he was glad, because somehow she had woken up. Maybe he was to loud, or maybe somehow she sensed he was there. Either way, she was awake, and she saw his figure crouched over next to her.
They both gazed at each other in silence for a moment. He didn't know whether to just look at her and smile, or say something. Explain himself. Tell her everything he wanted her to know so badly.
"You're back." She was barely audible. Nothing more than a whisper. He couldn't tell if she was glad he was back or if she was ready to throw him out.
"I'm back." Not the thing he wanted to say, but at the moment he was at a loss for words. Then what he expected least suddenly happend. She smiled and a tear ran down her cheek. He didn't know it was a tear of joy or if she was happy to see him. She wiped it away before he had a chance to.
She sat up slowly and hugged him. Held him closely as tight as she could. After a long embrace, she slowly backed away remembering what the past few weeks had been like for her. Crying herself to sleep at night. Dreaming that something terrible happend to him while he was away.
"John, I don't know if I can just forgive and forget like that. You left me without saying goodbye and then you just show up at my apartment unannounced after a few weeks."
"I know, Abby. I don't know what to say except i'm sorry."
"Let me finish, Carter. I was so worried. I didn't know if you were alive or hurt half-way around the world. Not to mention, you were in the middle of a war-torn country. You could have been killed."
Her eyes glistened as the filled slightly with tears. No. She would not cry because of him. Not yet. Any other time would be different, but not now. Not after what he did to her.
"Please, Abby, I don't know what I would do if you hated me. If you weren't in some part of my life again." He looked like he could cry at any second.
"Carter, I don't hate you. No matter what you did, I could ever 'hate' you. I hate what you did, but I don't hate you. And I still want to be in your life. I don't know if we can be what we were before. I mean, someday maybe, but it's going to take some time."
Silence filled the room and a hint of a smile crept onto his face. At least there was hope for them. He didn't care how long he had to wait. He would wait forever as long as there was even the slightest bit of hope for what they had before to blossom again.
"Thank you." His words were simple but that's all he could say.
She knew he was tired. He didn't look like himself. His face was kind of pale and he looked really drained. He probably didn't get much sleep in Africa. She motioned for him to come in bed. He hesitated at first, but after she motioned for him to come again, he followed. He slid carefully under the blankets. They layed face to face smiling.
"I missed you Carter. I'm so glad you're home. And safe."
"I love you."
"I love you too." She barely finished talking when she noticed he had drifted off to sleep. He really must have been tired. She looked at him and smiled. She wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. This could not be real. There he was, after weeks of worrying, safe and sound beside her. She kissed his head, and got out of the bed quietly as not to wake him up. She walked out of the room on her way to the kitchen, looking back at him.
She flipped on the light. A slight giggle escaped her mouth as she saw his bag on the ground and his coat slumped over the table. She picked it up and held it close to her, breathing in his scent. She heard something fall out of his coat pocket. She picked it up off of the cold kitchen floor and opened it up. It was a letter, addressed to her. She sat down and intently began to read the tear stained paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest Abby,
As I sit here trying to put everything I feel down on paper, I realize it is so much harder than I ever imagined. To many words left unsaid for so long. There are so many things that I need you to know. So I hope you will read what I have to say to you even though you are probably furious with me. I don't blame you either. You know, for being angry with me. I left without saying goodbye and that is unforgivable. Inexcusable. I'll understand if you don't ever forgive me, but at least read what I have to say.
First of all I want to apologize for leaving you like I did. It was the worst thing I could have done, and frankly I don't know why I did it. I guess I just needed some time to think. Some time to figure things out. Not just about us, but about myself. You are a huge part of me but it just felt like the rest of my life was so complicated. So unfair. Then I came here and realized that the people here have it so much worse than I ever have. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry.
Sorry.
A simple word used to express pity, sympathy, or regret. Such a small word, that when you really think about it, means so much. Used so often people never really think about it's meaning. I regret leaving you and regret how terrible I treated you the past few weeks. It's really just an excuse. Sorry doesn't always cut it. Especially for what I did to you.
I was contemplating writing this letter to you at all. Truely, I didn't think you would give it the time of day anyways. But I realized I had to tell you some things in case I never, well, came home. Not by choice of course. It is so dangerous here and after seeing the feuds between some of the locals here I don't know what could happen. If I could, I would come home right now, but I don't think I could ever live with myself if I left all of these people without helping at least some. At least not now. Not after seeing how sick some of them are. I couldn't risk dieing without letting you how I feel about you. It really scares me here, and I know the easiest thing to do is hop on a plane and fly home. Sound easy and believe me, the thought crossed my mind a thousand times. Especially after I look at your picture. I keep it in my pocket all the time. You really helped me get through all the hard days here. Today was probably the most frightening day in my entire life. I was really scared. They put a gun to my head, Abby. I thought, "This is it; I am going to die and I will never see my beautiful Abby again" and that really scared me.
Scared.
Not so much of loosing my life. Well, of course I didn't want to die, but I was more scared that I might never see you again. Never get to hold you in my arms or go dancing in the middle of November. What really scares me is that I don't know if I will ever get to do those things even if I come back to you just as I left. Who knows if you will ever let me fall asleep next to you or walk to work together. I wouldn't blame you.
Every night since I arrived here, I have been thinking about you. About 'us'. I don't know if there still is an us, but I can't stop dreaming about what we had before. We had some unbelievable times. Some good, some bad.
I smile whenever I think about all of the good memories we've had. Even at some of the bad ones. You were there for me and that makes those bad times seem so much better. Like our first kiss. I wanted to kiss you for so long, and I never, in a million years thought that our first kiss would be in the middle of a lockdown. Leave it to us to bring on the unexpected though. I think about how I felt that day and realize that because of one stupid mistake I made, I may never get to feel that way again.
Abby; you saved my life. If not for you, I probably wouldn't have the memories I have now. You helped me when no-one else would. By my side twenty-four seven. I don't know what to say except, thank you.
Before I forget, that night at the restaurant, you knew I was planning on asking you to be my wife. Believe me Abby, nothing in the world would make me happier than making you my wife. I don't know why I didn't go through with it. I really don't know. I was afraid. I don't know what of exactly. Maybe I wasn't convinced that we were ready. I didn't want to rush you into anything. We have known each other for a very long time. I know this sounds stupid, but we have been friends for so long, I didn't want anything to happen to that. I don't know what I would have done if you had said no to me.
If I could relive that day, I would ask you to marry me in a heart beat. Thinking back, there are alot of things I think I would do different. I wouldn't have waited so long to be with you. That's for sure. And I sure as hell would never have come here. I guess we really do learn from our mistakes. I just wish the mistakes didn't have the power to make such huge impacts on our lives.
I will be home within the week as long as everything goes alright. I don't think anything will happen again, but after seeing that man get shot and killed right before my eyes, I don't know what to think anymore.
Home.
I'm not quite sure where that is right now. I don't know whether I should go to your place, or stay at a hotel. I am not sure if you want me at your place anymore. All of my stuff is scattered throughout your place so i'll probably have to come back to get it at sometime or another.
I don't want to lose you forever. I hope I haven't already. If nothing else, I want to be friends. I know that sounds lame, but I truely don't know how I could live without you being some part of my life. Whether or not you ever love me again, I will love you forever.
Being here, makes me think about things more. Take less for granted I guess. I would be happy just watching you sleep peacefully with the moon shining through the window on your beautiful face.
I miss hearing you laugh.
Seeing you smile.
Holding you in my arms.
I miss being able to tell you I love you.
If I never get to do any of those things again, I will live the rest of my life knowing how lucky I was to have you. And if we do ever get back to 'normal', I swear to you, I will never leave again. Never. No matter what life throws our way. There's no way I would make that mistake twice.
I don't know if you will ever see this letter. As long as I come back alright, there is no need for me to show you this letter. But I can't risk leaving you without you knowing how I feel or saying goodbye. It wouldn't be fair to you or me for that matter. I really hope you never have to see this letter and I can just tell you face to face.
I've never really been good at writing letters, especially the endings. It's even harder to do when the words are being stained with warm tears as you try to pour all of your feelings out onto paper.
I don't know how to say goodbye. So, i'm not going to. I don't want this to be the end. Saying goodbye makes everything seem so final. So I will say I miss you. I will see you soon, and I love you, Abby. Even though you might not believe me, I love you more than I have or ever will love anyone. Ever.
Yours Truely,
John Carter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She folded the letter back up and gripped it tightly in her hands. She was on the verge of tears. She pictured him writing that letter late at night after he almost got himself killed. He must have been so afraid and lonely. He really did still love her. She had been questioning his feelings lately. But he must have mean't what he said in the letter. She didn't know whether to confront him about it or pretend like she never saw it. The letter said he didn't want her to see it if she didn't have to. He was probably planning on throwing it away, she thought.
Maybe, sometime in the future, if things got back to normal. Correction, when things got back to normal. Bringing up the letter now, may only cause problems. Resurface memories of Africa. Things that didn't need to be brought up right now.
She knew one thing, for sure. She would never get rid of that letter. It mean't so much to her. They still had a chance. That he was sorry for hurting her and he would never do it again. And he said he still loved her. She still loved him. She would always love him, no matter what happend.
She slid the letter in her pajama pants pocket and switched off the kitchen light. She smiled a quick smile and walked back to her bedroom. He was still sound asleep when she crawled in next to him. She slid her arm around his sleeping form and gently stroked his hair. She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead drifted off to sleep beside him.
They still needed to talk and sort through everything. But he would be there in the morning and they had all the time in the world to talk about the words left unsaid between them.
AUTHOR: Emily
DISCLAIMER: You know the drill. I don't own Carter, Abby, or any part of ER. As much as I wish I would, it just doesn't happen. Oh well, that's why I make up stories. Pretending I own them is better than nothing.
SUMMARY: Set during Kisangani and I guess a little post-Kisangani. No spoilers here. Umm...it's partly in the form of a letter written by Carter to Abby, of course. Please just read it.
A/N: Not much I gotta say, except r 'n' r. Just hit the button at the bottom. It's not so hard is it? And if you feel like it, drop me a line at diddy988@aol.com, reviews make me happy! And i'm thinking of leaving this as a standalone. I don't know...maybe another chapter. We'll see!
...and so, without further ado...
He sat in the back seat of one of Chicago's many cabs contemplating his decision on whether or not he should go to her apartment. He had to go to her. Try and fix things. Somehow. He knew what he did a few weeks ago was the worst thing he could do to her. To leave her without so much as a proper goodbye. The whole time he was in Africa he thought about her. Whether they still had a chance to go back to what they were before he left. If she would give him a chance. Not that he deserved it. It's just, he had to try. He had to apologize and tell her how he really felt.
The cab pulled up in front of the ever-so familiar apartment he called home. It was really her home, but it had been renamed 'theirs' ever since he moved in. He paid the driver and walked slowly to her door. It didn't matter that it was pouring outside. It felt good. Africa hadn't seem much rain during the time he was there. He almost forgot what Chicago weather was like.
Stumbling on the last step, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the spare key he had. He looked at it and smiled for a second, remembering when she gave it to him. The grin on his face was immediatly wiped away once he realized what could happen after he entered the house.
The lights were off. Of course they were, it was the middle of the night. She must be sleeping. Either that or working. He hoped she was there, awake, so he could talk to her right away. He set his bag down on the ground and walked into the kitchen as quietly as he could. He threw his coat onto the table and just looked around. He noticed a small light coming from the bedroom. The door was open.
He crept over towards the soft, shimmering light and peered into the bedroom. There she was. She looked so peaceful, lying there wrapped up under the heavy blankets. He smiled again and tiptoed over to the side of the bed. He couldn't wake her up. Not now. Not after seeing her sleeping like that. He placed a small kiss on her forehead and sat down beside her on the bed, careful as not to wake her up.
He stared at her and smiled. So many thoughts went through his mind. He turned his head and placed his head in his hands. He felt like crying but the tears just didn't come. And for that he was glad, because somehow she had woken up. Maybe he was to loud, or maybe somehow she sensed he was there. Either way, she was awake, and she saw his figure crouched over next to her.
They both gazed at each other in silence for a moment. He didn't know whether to just look at her and smile, or say something. Explain himself. Tell her everything he wanted her to know so badly.
"You're back." She was barely audible. Nothing more than a whisper. He couldn't tell if she was glad he was back or if she was ready to throw him out.
"I'm back." Not the thing he wanted to say, but at the moment he was at a loss for words. Then what he expected least suddenly happend. She smiled and a tear ran down her cheek. He didn't know it was a tear of joy or if she was happy to see him. She wiped it away before he had a chance to.
She sat up slowly and hugged him. Held him closely as tight as she could. After a long embrace, she slowly backed away remembering what the past few weeks had been like for her. Crying herself to sleep at night. Dreaming that something terrible happend to him while he was away.
"John, I don't know if I can just forgive and forget like that. You left me without saying goodbye and then you just show up at my apartment unannounced after a few weeks."
"I know, Abby. I don't know what to say except i'm sorry."
"Let me finish, Carter. I was so worried. I didn't know if you were alive or hurt half-way around the world. Not to mention, you were in the middle of a war-torn country. You could have been killed."
Her eyes glistened as the filled slightly with tears. No. She would not cry because of him. Not yet. Any other time would be different, but not now. Not after what he did to her.
"Please, Abby, I don't know what I would do if you hated me. If you weren't in some part of my life again." He looked like he could cry at any second.
"Carter, I don't hate you. No matter what you did, I could ever 'hate' you. I hate what you did, but I don't hate you. And I still want to be in your life. I don't know if we can be what we were before. I mean, someday maybe, but it's going to take some time."
Silence filled the room and a hint of a smile crept onto his face. At least there was hope for them. He didn't care how long he had to wait. He would wait forever as long as there was even the slightest bit of hope for what they had before to blossom again.
"Thank you." His words were simple but that's all he could say.
She knew he was tired. He didn't look like himself. His face was kind of pale and he looked really drained. He probably didn't get much sleep in Africa. She motioned for him to come in bed. He hesitated at first, but after she motioned for him to come again, he followed. He slid carefully under the blankets. They layed face to face smiling.
"I missed you Carter. I'm so glad you're home. And safe."
"I love you."
"I love you too." She barely finished talking when she noticed he had drifted off to sleep. He really must have been tired. She looked at him and smiled. She wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. This could not be real. There he was, after weeks of worrying, safe and sound beside her. She kissed his head, and got out of the bed quietly as not to wake him up. She walked out of the room on her way to the kitchen, looking back at him.
She flipped on the light. A slight giggle escaped her mouth as she saw his bag on the ground and his coat slumped over the table. She picked it up and held it close to her, breathing in his scent. She heard something fall out of his coat pocket. She picked it up off of the cold kitchen floor and opened it up. It was a letter, addressed to her. She sat down and intently began to read the tear stained paper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Dearest Abby,
As I sit here trying to put everything I feel down on paper, I realize it is so much harder than I ever imagined. To many words left unsaid for so long. There are so many things that I need you to know. So I hope you will read what I have to say to you even though you are probably furious with me. I don't blame you either. You know, for being angry with me. I left without saying goodbye and that is unforgivable. Inexcusable. I'll understand if you don't ever forgive me, but at least read what I have to say.
First of all I want to apologize for leaving you like I did. It was the worst thing I could have done, and frankly I don't know why I did it. I guess I just needed some time to think. Some time to figure things out. Not just about us, but about myself. You are a huge part of me but it just felt like the rest of my life was so complicated. So unfair. Then I came here and realized that the people here have it so much worse than I ever have. So I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sorry.
Sorry.
A simple word used to express pity, sympathy, or regret. Such a small word, that when you really think about it, means so much. Used so often people never really think about it's meaning. I regret leaving you and regret how terrible I treated you the past few weeks. It's really just an excuse. Sorry doesn't always cut it. Especially for what I did to you.
I was contemplating writing this letter to you at all. Truely, I didn't think you would give it the time of day anyways. But I realized I had to tell you some things in case I never, well, came home. Not by choice of course. It is so dangerous here and after seeing the feuds between some of the locals here I don't know what could happen. If I could, I would come home right now, but I don't think I could ever live with myself if I left all of these people without helping at least some. At least not now. Not after seeing how sick some of them are. I couldn't risk dieing without letting you how I feel about you. It really scares me here, and I know the easiest thing to do is hop on a plane and fly home. Sound easy and believe me, the thought crossed my mind a thousand times. Especially after I look at your picture. I keep it in my pocket all the time. You really helped me get through all the hard days here. Today was probably the most frightening day in my entire life. I was really scared. They put a gun to my head, Abby. I thought, "This is it; I am going to die and I will never see my beautiful Abby again" and that really scared me.
Scared.
Not so much of loosing my life. Well, of course I didn't want to die, but I was more scared that I might never see you again. Never get to hold you in my arms or go dancing in the middle of November. What really scares me is that I don't know if I will ever get to do those things even if I come back to you just as I left. Who knows if you will ever let me fall asleep next to you or walk to work together. I wouldn't blame you.
Every night since I arrived here, I have been thinking about you. About 'us'. I don't know if there still is an us, but I can't stop dreaming about what we had before. We had some unbelievable times. Some good, some bad.
I smile whenever I think about all of the good memories we've had. Even at some of the bad ones. You were there for me and that makes those bad times seem so much better. Like our first kiss. I wanted to kiss you for so long, and I never, in a million years thought that our first kiss would be in the middle of a lockdown. Leave it to us to bring on the unexpected though. I think about how I felt that day and realize that because of one stupid mistake I made, I may never get to feel that way again.
Abby; you saved my life. If not for you, I probably wouldn't have the memories I have now. You helped me when no-one else would. By my side twenty-four seven. I don't know what to say except, thank you.
Before I forget, that night at the restaurant, you knew I was planning on asking you to be my wife. Believe me Abby, nothing in the world would make me happier than making you my wife. I don't know why I didn't go through with it. I really don't know. I was afraid. I don't know what of exactly. Maybe I wasn't convinced that we were ready. I didn't want to rush you into anything. We have known each other for a very long time. I know this sounds stupid, but we have been friends for so long, I didn't want anything to happen to that. I don't know what I would have done if you had said no to me.
If I could relive that day, I would ask you to marry me in a heart beat. Thinking back, there are alot of things I think I would do different. I wouldn't have waited so long to be with you. That's for sure. And I sure as hell would never have come here. I guess we really do learn from our mistakes. I just wish the mistakes didn't have the power to make such huge impacts on our lives.
I will be home within the week as long as everything goes alright. I don't think anything will happen again, but after seeing that man get shot and killed right before my eyes, I don't know what to think anymore.
Home.
I'm not quite sure where that is right now. I don't know whether I should go to your place, or stay at a hotel. I am not sure if you want me at your place anymore. All of my stuff is scattered throughout your place so i'll probably have to come back to get it at sometime or another.
I don't want to lose you forever. I hope I haven't already. If nothing else, I want to be friends. I know that sounds lame, but I truely don't know how I could live without you being some part of my life. Whether or not you ever love me again, I will love you forever.
Being here, makes me think about things more. Take less for granted I guess. I would be happy just watching you sleep peacefully with the moon shining through the window on your beautiful face.
I miss hearing you laugh.
Seeing you smile.
Holding you in my arms.
I miss being able to tell you I love you.
If I never get to do any of those things again, I will live the rest of my life knowing how lucky I was to have you. And if we do ever get back to 'normal', I swear to you, I will never leave again. Never. No matter what life throws our way. There's no way I would make that mistake twice.
I don't know if you will ever see this letter. As long as I come back alright, there is no need for me to show you this letter. But I can't risk leaving you without you knowing how I feel or saying goodbye. It wouldn't be fair to you or me for that matter. I really hope you never have to see this letter and I can just tell you face to face.
I've never really been good at writing letters, especially the endings. It's even harder to do when the words are being stained with warm tears as you try to pour all of your feelings out onto paper.
I don't know how to say goodbye. So, i'm not going to. I don't want this to be the end. Saying goodbye makes everything seem so final. So I will say I miss you. I will see you soon, and I love you, Abby. Even though you might not believe me, I love you more than I have or ever will love anyone. Ever.
Yours Truely,
John Carter
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She folded the letter back up and gripped it tightly in her hands. She was on the verge of tears. She pictured him writing that letter late at night after he almost got himself killed. He must have been so afraid and lonely. He really did still love her. She had been questioning his feelings lately. But he must have mean't what he said in the letter. She didn't know whether to confront him about it or pretend like she never saw it. The letter said he didn't want her to see it if she didn't have to. He was probably planning on throwing it away, she thought.
Maybe, sometime in the future, if things got back to normal. Correction, when things got back to normal. Bringing up the letter now, may only cause problems. Resurface memories of Africa. Things that didn't need to be brought up right now.
She knew one thing, for sure. She would never get rid of that letter. It mean't so much to her. They still had a chance. That he was sorry for hurting her and he would never do it again. And he said he still loved her. She still loved him. She would always love him, no matter what happend.
She slid the letter in her pajama pants pocket and switched off the kitchen light. She smiled a quick smile and walked back to her bedroom. He was still sound asleep when she crawled in next to him. She slid her arm around his sleeping form and gently stroked his hair. She gave him a quick kiss on the forehead drifted off to sleep beside him.
They still needed to talk and sort through everything. But he would be there in the morning and they had all the time in the world to talk about the words left unsaid between them.