Radiance

A Fanfiction by Cheshire Grin

Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba. Can't you tell?
All throughout my life there has never been anything that I truly wanted. Not until that day. You see, I guess I've always been a rather apathetic person. My life is more of a regret to me than a joy. At least it was. Until I met her. But as I was saying, I've never really wanted anything. I've never cared enough about life to actually want. I think maybe I've always been too sorry. Too apologetic of the burdens I place on others to even consider wanting anything in return. I guess I was a sorry soul for all that.

You see, until then, I never thought that life was worth living.

I've always been clumsy. It's just one of those things. I try my best but I always end up screwing things up. I did that when I first met her. I didn't want to at the time. It was something my mother pushed me into. 'There's a new girl living with Yuki and Shigure. Be a good boy and go to meet her.' Of course I went. I've always tried to be good for her. I'm ashamed that I've never been that useful as a son to her. At the time I decided it would be rude to visit Shigure's house without a gift. I was going to buy some fruit but I couldn't remember what fruit he liked so I bought him some books on fruit instead. It only occurred to me after I had given them to him what a stupid gift that was. He humored me of course. He's such a nice person but I could tell he was displeased.

But I want to tell you about her. How when I saw her first I thought, she was pretty in a rather ordinary way but how when she smiled that first smile, that simple joy at meeting me, how it lit up my heart somehow. I've never seen anyone smile like that before.

It was amazing how no matter what I did, how I stuffed up, she always smiled that smile at me. It seemed she was always happy to be there with me, always delighted with my presence. She never even blinked when she discovered that I was not a girl as she had thought. I'm ashamed to say it but I got so hooked on that feeling that I stayed at Shigure's house for three days.

It was somewhere in the third day that things started to go wrong for me. You see, I loved her by then, I will not conceal it from you, but I could do nothing. I was so inadequate, so useless to her. The feelings of failure nagged at me, the way they always do. But it was worse somehow. I had something so perfect in front of me, I was beginning to show signs of wanting something for the first time in my life. But I was afraid you see. So terribly afraid of screwing up somehow, of hurting her, or maybe alienating her. So scared of losing that smile.

I have considered suicide many times in my life, I am sorry to say. However, I've never had the courage to go through with it. I've never been a brave person. But that day, the fears were so great that I almost did. If she hadn't tried to climb up to the roof to stop me, I'm not sure what I might have done. I didn't want her to get hurt you see. So I came down from the roof. I think I was crying, I'm not really sure. I was so afraid that she'd be angry at me.

But she wasn't mad. She was crying for me. That had never happened before. Something happened to me that day. She told me that 'There is always a reason to live'. At first I didn't want to believe it but the sheer honesty of her feeling came cascading though the haze of my misery. That was another first. No-one else had ever wanted me to live so badly. Not even my parents. They only ever seemed to apologize for my sorry existence. Somehow the desperation of her words got through to me. She wanted me to live. Looking at her then, seeing the beauty of her soul alight in her face, the love I held for her remade itself in my heart, brighter and stronger than anything else I had ever experienced. Although I never told her, it was in that moment that I made my decision. I will live; I will live for her alone.

I had thought that that would be the end of it all. I would never have had the courage to tell her of my love. No, it would forever be one-sided and secret. So I went home, and despite the loss I felt in my heart at her disappearance, the glow of her kindness never left me. That weekend and the few months after it were the happiest times of my life.

It wasn't for months that the idea of going back occurred to me. I was too shy you see. And too afraid that I might screw up again, might push her away. But as soon as the idea did occur, I couldn't rid myself of it. It tormented me, keeping me awake at nights. The treasured memories I had of her turned on me. Her lack of presence haunted me and I longed for it again.

And so eventually I gave in to my own dreams. The sense of wanting, so rarely experienced, would not be denied now that it had arisen. So I returned to Shigure's house. I dressed as a man this time, determined to show her that I had progressed in some way. And that smile returned to me, more beautiful and radiant than it had been the first time, as she welcomed me into the house.

It didn't take me so long to go bad this time. I was only in the house for a day when my feelings delivered an unexpected surprise. It happened as I retired to bed. I lay there for a long time, ruminating on her smile, her joyful presence when my wants overwhelmed me. You see, I loved her, she was more precious than anything else had ever been, perhaps more dear to me than my own life. And yet, what was I to her. She had never shown any signs that she reciprocated my feelings and of course I would never expect it of her, especially not the way I am. After all, she thought I was a girl the first time we met. The love for her coursed through me with no outlet. It was trapped as surely as a rat in a snare. No one would ever love me back. That thought swept through me, bringing a loneliness more terrible than any I had ever experienced. It was too much, I couldn't hold back. The tears poured effortlessly through my defenses and before long I sat there on my futon bawling my eyes out.

The soft knock at the door surprised me. 'Come in' I called, doing a quick job of rubbing my tears away. Tohru walked in. 'I heard you crying' she said. I looked up at her, my soul fraying away at the edges. I can't deal with this I thought at the time, so shocked I didn't know what to say. I stared at her with blank eyes and then began to cry once more. Why me, I thought. Why does this have to happen to me? She was so close, so unbearably close but yet so far away.

'What's wrong Ritsu?' She asked, looking at me with those inescapable eyes. I felt my self trapped by her kindness. I couldn't disappoint her.

'I found my reason to live.' I muttered. 'That's good.' She said. 'What is it?' I stared into her eyes for a long time, defying her, trying to run away. Please don't make me tell. But she never ceased her gentle stare and before long my courage gave and I murmured 'It…it's you. I… I love you…I…'. She looked slightly surprised but kept staring at me. 'Why is that so bad?' she asked finally. 'Because no-one loves me.' I said, cringing away. I flung small, desperate glances at her face, reinventing fear at what I might find there. She paused and sat for a moment, just looking at me, as if she were considering something important. Then she leaned forward. 'But that's not true.' She murmured, her voice soft and almost embarrassed in the dim room. 'I love you.'

I sat perfectly still, unbelieving. Nothing in me had expected this. It went far past my wildest wishes and into the unmapped territory beyond. I had no reply. She gazed at me gentle with those beautiful eyes and I felt suddenly that I could see right into her soul and into the endless kindness that existed there. The tears escaped once more, cascading down my cheeks. Her smile was brilliant and she lifted her hand to my face and kissed me gently.

I've learned many important things from Tohru since that day. Be apologetic, sure but also be thankful. And I am thankful. More thankful than I ever guessed I would be that she is here with me. That we inhabit this world. That she found me.

You see, she is all I have ever wanted.

And she is all I will ever need.

END

This one is dedicated to LinBean, my proofreader who always reads my stories for me and comments, even when they come months and months apart.  I'm not sure if she will appreciate the pairing however, lol.

Well, this one came because I was feeling a little heartsick and lonely one day. Even so I hope you enjoyed it, dear reader. Please let me know what you think. It always helps!

Ja,

Cheshire Grin