I didn't mean to kill him.

Those six words kept repeating themselves over and over inside of my head as I sat in my dimly lit kitchen, sipping at the red wine I held in shaking hands; but those words haven't stopped repeating themselves for three years.

The day was beautiful, almost as beautiful as he was. With his messy blonde hair and green eyes, he was bound to have caught my attention even if I had only had a glance to inspect him. His accent completed the look, most definitely, and matched the atmosphere that autumn afternoon.

It was three years ago, but I recall it as if it were 3 minutes ago. How horrid I had felt; it was just like me to have been so ignorant. Me, stumbling like the true cadbury that I was–Arthur never really was wrong when he called me that, I thought as I took another sip of the wine that I oh-so-hated ever since that day but couldn't seem to draw myself away from–and him, helping me stagger through the streets like the true Briton that he was. He was always so calm and collected that it hurt; even when he was aggravated at me for getting drunk once again.

I remember how he would talk to me, remind me of where we were going and how long we had until we got there. In my drunken state, I had no idea where we were going or what was going on around me. I knew Arthur, and that he was with me to help. I also knew of my relationship with him, gladly, but seemed to not care of it. Looking upon it now, I wish that he were here so that I could apologize, so that I could recompense, so that I had comfort and guidance and someone to love–but I knew there was no changing anything. Even though nations return when they are killed if their country persists, Arthur hadn't returned yet. Everyone was different when t came to healing, I supposed, and from what had happened to Arthur, I wasn't sure how long it would take for him to heal.

Even so, everyday I still wonder, Why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I see that goddamn car coming? Why did he always have to be so kind to a stupid drunk like me? Why didn't I push him out of the way? And everyday I become mire and more self-loathing. I have contemplated suicide too many times to count and have tried it three times in my lifetime. The first time, Arthur was there to stop me. The second time, I had forgotten I had invited Antonio and Gilbert over, and they had stopped me. The third time, I was in the bathroom in a restaurant with a few friends and had been gone for a while. Antonio had volunteered to go check on me, and had found me on the floor unconcious with a moist towel over my face, a failed attempt at self-waterboarding.

I took another sip of the wine, that agonizing feeling striking me again. I could never enjoy it anymore. It reminded me of the nights that I would spend with Arthur watching movies, talking for hours in front of the fireplace, the nights that would usually end in bed, in each other's embrace.

I missed our constant bickering. I had always needed the practice for when a real arguement broke out. Our arguements made us both witty, extremely witty. Arthurt would always win, though. He had always been so much smarter than I was.

Sometimes, while in my drunken state, I blame Arthur for getting himself killed. Why did he have to take me down that street? He knows it is a busy street. He lives in London, for God's sake. He lead me into the street. Was it purposely? Ialways regret thinking this in the mornings when I am once more sober, most likely also suffering an extreme hangover.

I glanced down at my watch. 11:57 PM. I sighed, knowing I should finish this glass of wine and head to bed. I was surprisingly sober today, actually.

It was 12:15 AM when I finally finished, showered and changed. Hopping into bed, I stifled the need to cry as more thoughts swirled through my mind. Eventually, I fell into sleep, dreaming that my Arthur was here with me, wondering when he would come back.

Hey so that was a one shot that was really short and felt kinda rushed... it's my first one on this website and was written in one day, mainly because I was bored and feeling angsty.

I hope you liked it! I'll probably post more in the future, and hopefully it'll be better than the above. Thanks for reading!