*Author's note: Inspired by the song Tonight by FM Static. It turned out to be a lot darker than I intended it to be. Whoops.
Most nights, the loneliness was too much for Cas to handle. He knew that he couldn't run from his grief, but that didn't stop him from trying. Although he knew that he couldn't have stopped what happened, he still blamed himself. Well, him and whatever force is behind the universe. He hadn't slept since it happened and he couldn't remember the last time he ate. Without Sam, everything felt meaningless.
Tonight it had been exactly three months since that couple had found Sam's mutilated body in the park. At the beginning of the investigation, Cas had been the prime suspect. He shouldn't have been shocked, but he couldn't believe that the police actually thought he could do that to Sam. Once his name was cleared, they'd made the excuse that the victim's partner was always the first suspect, and he guessed that it made sense, but not with him and Sam. He was the best part of Cas' life.
Cas hadn't been to their apartment since the week it happened. It hurt too much. He and Sam had seven years of memories in that apartment. How was he supposed to sleep in the bed they'd shared? He wouldn't be able to go into the kitchen without seeing the image of Sam on one knee, asking him to spend the rest of their lives together. The living room would bring back memories of surprising Sam with the trip to Italy they went on last year. If he went out on the balcony, he'd remember the countless Sunday breakfasts they'd spent, gazing out over the city. He couldn't do it. He knew he'd have to do it eventually, but he pushed that out of his mind.
He'd been on the road, driving for the past couple months. New York was too painful. The car smelled like coffee and paper, just like Sam always had, and when Cas inhaled he felt like he was wrapped up in his lover's arms. He had decided to drive through the night because he knew if he didn't, he'd be at some dive bar, using liquor to try to forget.
Every summer of the ten years they were together, Sam and Cas went on a road trip from coast to coast. Their final destination was always Los Angeles so they could visit Sam's brother before driving back to New York. Every year they took a new route, stopping at different attractions along the way. They always found something to do on the long drive. Most of the time, they'd discuss what their lives would be like if some things never happened, or just talk about life in general.
Cas had just passed a town in Minnesota that he thought sounded familiar. It took him a minute to realize that he and Sam had stopped there on their first road trip. When they drove through the first time, it was just supposed to be a stop for coffee, but Sam liked the quaint little town so they ended up spending the night. They didn't get much sleep that night; they stayed up until the wee hours talking about almost everything. Sam shared so many important things with Cas that night, like how he had almost lost his battle with cancer when he was eight and the times he'd tried to run away from home. It was where Cas had told Sam about his battles with depression, where he showed Sam the scars that he hid from everyone else.
That hotel was also where they said "I love you" for the first time. Sam's lips had tasted like caramel lattes and chocolate chip cookies. Cas remembered lying with his head on Sam's chest and being lulled to sleep by the pounding of their hearts.
Cas couldn't handle this sudden outpour of memories, so he stopped on the shoulder of the highway and got out of the car. The October night was crisp and clear, and in the darkness of rural Minnesota, the moon and the stars seemed brighter than usual. When Cas was young, after his grandmother passed away, his mom told him that all he needed to do to see her again was look for the brightest star. He looked up at the sky, trying to find the brightest one he could. "Hi, Sammy," He whispered when he found it. "I miss you so much."
Cas wanted to scream, to yell and curse at the universe for taking Sam away from him. He didn't understand why it had to be Sam, and he refused to believe it was part of some cosmic plan. All he wanted was to be with his husband. His life would always be empty without him.
He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't spend one more night without Sam. Before he got back into the car to find the nearest bridge, he pulled out his cell phone and sent one last text to everyone in his contacts: I need to be with Sam. I'm sorry. Goodbye.