Kenny is doing a fastforward.
Something he's heard his dad's trucker friends talk about when they have to drive all night to make a delivery deadline.
'Gotta do a fastfoward to Warshington.' One'd say, or 'fastforwarding to Chicago' another one said once.
Kenny knew the reason why they were behind on their deadline was because they'd stop by the McCormick household and visit with his parents for a few days. They probably think to themselves, 'just an hour visit,' but end up staying days anyway.
As Kenny crosses the state line he thinks about why it's taken him so long to visit Craig. There are three large reasons he's been combating with.
First, the factory definitely does not give you vacation time. He's never seen a coworker absent for work one day then back on the line the next. If you don't show up your spot is filled. Simple as that. Although Kenny's pickle jar has enough money for a trip to Wyoming, a few month's worth of bills and maybe a new parka, Kenny can't do that to Karen and Ruby. Which brings him to large reason number two:
Karen and Ruby. He wasn't sure how the girls would react if Kenny told them he was leaving to visit Craig. Especially Ruby. Both girls have made comments here and there, but Kenny never wanted to address the topic.
The third reason might sound a little selfish, but maybe Kenny was waiting for the right moment. It's not like Kenny could magically become a Lawyer, revisit Craig's case, get an appeal, and come to free him from his prison. Also, Craig never really mentioned it either. Sure, there have been the 'I miss yous,' but never any indication that Craig would want Kenny to visit him in prison. Ever since the letters started coming Kenny's let himself think that maybe one day, he would get his own letter. A letter addressed to himself about himself, not just addressed to himself about someone else Craig remembers.
He told himself he would wait until Craig tells him how he really feels about him.
He's had dreams about that letter. Sometimes, the letter would be pages long, and asleep Kenny could never remember what all the words said, but he knew Craig wanted to see Kenny. Others, the letter was short and to the point.
"Come see me. I need you."
Kenny has been preparing. Preparing for his emotions to take a hit in one way or another. His disappointment if Craig never sends a letter about him, or tells him how he feels. His bittersweet happiness if Craig tells Kenny what he's been wanting to hear since he opened his first letter.
Once Kenny finally pulls into the prison parking lot he gets a horrible feeling in his gut. There are a few sloppily parked police cars that look like don't quite belong at a prison unless something extreme is happening. He can hear paramedics from somewhere up the road, their sirens getting louder.
Kenny's letter finally came. Not really disappointment, but definitely not happiness of any sort. Maybe later, once he sees Craig, he can find some small happiness in the letter. Read between the lines. But for now, the only emotion he feels is fear. Fear that he's come so close to Craig, but he might be too late.
Kenny always knew he would see Craig again. He had planned it out a little more smoothly than leaving a note on the table for Ruby and Karen, taking his entire pickle jar, and driving straight through night to make sure he saw Craig alive.
"Maybe I'm a different breed.
They say around here that once you've been in solitary for so long you start to lose it. About 14 months. After about a year you start thinking about what you've missed. The time really fucks with your head.
A full year.
Guys will start throwing fits in their cells. You can hear their food trays being thrown and screams. The screams are the worst.
Some scream at themselves for being so stupid, some scream at their loved ones for abandoning them, others cry for help. Some pray to God, others to Buddha, others you can hear just crying, begging, pleading, for some sign that will help them make it through.
There's no use really, right Ken?
Once they finally crack they're taken somewhere in a straightjacket and come back feeling 'refreshed'. Or at least as refreshed as you need to be to rot in a cell. Hardly hear them speak after that. Some don't even make it to their death date. Some do the job themselves.
I've been in here for 14 months. That's two months after my year mark.
A full year.
Every week they send a shrink to 'evaluate' my behavior. Trying to anticipate my freak out I guess. That's what makes these guys wig out, I bet.
Last time the Shrink came he didn't try to get me to talk about my feelings, or ask what I was thinking about. I think he's tired of coming to my cell and getting nowhere. I'm just not much of a talker, you knew that, Ken.
He started yelling at me. Used the line I have no one to blame but myself until I started to tune him out.
I remember being in the 6th grade and beating up some 2nd graders because they were picking on Ruby. They brought a shrink in because my behavior was 'causing concern' from other parents.
Maybe that's why everyone always thought I was a bad influence? The shrink had me fill out a form about the bad things I did and why I thought I did them. I wrote 'blame it on my DAD.' This was around the time everyone thought his or her kid had ADHD and prescriptions were being handed out left and right. They told my parents I was dyslexic and most likely wanted aderol to sell to kids.
Never once thought I actually meant my father. Instead, I was branded as a dyslexic drug dealer at the age of 12.
One thing this shrink said really struck a cord with me.
He mentioned you.
Said I didn't deserve someone like you.
Went on and on about all the letters we wrote. Brought up people we've talked about and even parts of South Park. At least I think he did. Maybe I wasn't listening. The last thing I heard was that I don't deserve someone like you.
He's right, Ken.
You sound like you've got your life on a good track. Steady job, practically your own place, Karen and Ruby. Ruby can have the brother she's never had. Your light is coming back. I can hear it in your letters. See it in your handwriting. Smell your life on the envelope.
If we keep talking much longer, Ken. Well, this is how an angel dies. An angel like you. A demon like me takes them down to hell with them. I don't want to be the one to hold you back, Ken. I've been thinking about you and me for a while. How if I could just have a chance to be with you one more time…
I've started thinking about all these scenarios that I can't even play out. What if I could relive that night. What if I could have taught Ruby differently. What if I could have talked to my mom about this shit. What if I didn't strangle that prison mate in Colorado. What if I could just see you one more time.
Between you and me, maybe I should cry for help. Maybe I should just skip that step of this process. We all know where this road leads. Maybe I should kill myself.
Fuck it, blame it on my ADD."
Kenny walks into the prison. He is not met with a smile, but instead a hand coming from what he assumes a woman behind glass. Kenny carefully places the visitors form in the hand and holds his breath.
The hand from the glass retracts the form and there's a moment that Kenny thinks he wants to yell at the woman for being so distant with him. Before he can bang on the glass the hand gives him a badge.
Visitor 1A- PM 224750
"You have one hour. Enjoy, Mr. McCormick."
"...Maybe I'm a different breed...
maybe I'm not listening...
...maybe I should cry for help...
maybe I should kill myself...
...this is how an angel dies...
...Blame it on my ADD..."
Sail-AWOLNATION