Hiya guys... I'm feeling kinda depressed. So what better way to release my frustration than writing? (And don't say masturbation.) :P But seriously, I hope you like this story. I really do, personally I think that it's one of my better pieces.

Warnings: Crossdressing, drug-use and terrible angst.

Disclaimer: I do not own Junjou Romantica.

If Only

I feel guilty of my hardness.

His own is sliding in and out of me, I can hear his grunts of pleasure clearly. I don't make any such sounds.

My back is turned to him, so that he won't have to see my maleness. He is straight. I'm just his go-to crossdresser when his girlfriend doesn't want to put out. I know this. But I can't help but want him. I know I shouldn't, but I think I love him.

I can hear his deep, raspy voice mumble, "Honoka..." My name is Aki. Aki.

He reaches orgasm after about fifteen more minutes. He slides out of his bed and gives me a lopsided smile, throwing my panties into my lap. I cover my privates. "Hey Hiro," I pipe up pitifully just before he leaves his bedroom, lighting a cigarette. He flips closed his Zippo lighter and "hmm?"s. "I was wondering, um, if you want to go do something sometime? The carnival is here this week... do you th-"

He turns around and frowns. "I have plans... sorry." Oh. "... You do know we aren't exclusive, yeah?" I nod, while my heart wants to beg him to love me. I don't like hiding my body away from him. "Okay. And you do get that I'm seeing other people? Girls?" I nod and he is silent, the slightest twinge of pity in his eyes. "Get dressed. Your folks will be wondering where you are."

He has closed the door and I am left on his bed, on my knees. I clutch my underwear in my hands and my hard-on his long gone. If it weren't for my penis. Maybe. Maybe we could be together. I hate my body.

The familiar tingling of impending tears burns my nose and eyes and I want to just sit there and cry. So I do. I cry for an hour before deciding to get dressed. I slip on my panties and dark green dress with an empire neckline. I look just like a girl when I'm dressed like this. I brush through my hair with my fingers and sniffle. I slip on my black flats.

I scurry downstairs to find the house empty. I peek out of the living room window to find his truck gone- he was supposed to be my ride home. I sigh to myself and lock the door before leaving his house.

As I walk down the sidewalk feeling sorry for myself I hear a few kids passing by in their car call me a lying, cock-sucking sissy. I ignore them and my heart seems to sink into my stomach.

I arrive home, not bothering to use the house key because I know the door is unlocked.

Mom and Dad are sitting at the kitchen table looking worried with mugs of coffee before them. Mom sighs and rushes to hug me. By his grimace, I know that he can smell the scent of sweat and fluids on me. Another pair of arms encircle me and I feel dad's chin bury into the crook of my neck as he exclaims how worried they'd been. I learn that it's two in the morning when he states the time. They ask me why I was out so late and what could have possibly kept me. "Get off of my back." I snap.

Mom walks up to me and places a warm hand on my forehead. "You feel warm... are you okay, honey? You look a bit sick..." I halfheartedly slap his hand away.

"I'm going to bed." I state.

I don't bother looking back at them before I climb the stairs and arrive face-to-face before my bedroom door. I catch Suzu peeking out of the crack of his door at me. I ignore him and enter my room, loudly closing it.

I strip completely and stand before the full length mirror mounted upon my closet door. Ugly. I study myself disapprovingly for a bit longer and then flop down onto my bed. Why does my heart ache so badly? Because I know that I can't be with Hiro. He's said that he's interested more in women, and that I'm simply a convenience because I look and dress like a girl. Even if I decide to have surgery to become a girl one day, I still know that he wants children of his own. I'm screwed. Literally.

On a whim, I roll a joint. My stash is hidden in my underwear drawer, under everything. I place the paper at a 45° angle and position the roach at the tip. I sprinkle the marijuana across the paper. I roll it up and lick the end, and the paper his stuck. I perfect Knee Trembler.

I light it with the cheap clear blue lighter that I bought at a gas station a few days ago. I wrap my dry lips around the end and inhale. I hold for a good eight seconds and let the bluish smoke spill from my mouth in wispy clouds. My high his filled with Hiro, sex and a real vagina of my own. I don't worry about the smell because my room if off limits to my parents, and Suzu is too much of a pussy to say anything to them. Besides, he has a fuck-buddy of his own to bitch to. Adam, Aaiden, Aubrey... ah, Avery. Some American name.

I don't really know how long I sat there in bed. I only heard the loudest tweets of birds flooding my ears, deafening. Everything is hazy and appealing and suddenly my open bedroom window looks appealing. I stand up and stumble towards it, my joint barely a stub. Wish I had time to roll a good Joker- those seem to last forever.

The soft, green grass below looks very inviting. Cool and soft. I perch myself up on the windowsill and dangle my legs down. I wonder how high I am, considering that my room is on the second floor of our home. It doesn't look too far down... I'm sure I'll land on my feet if I jump...

Yeah. No problem.

It's for you to decide if he jumps or not. He probably won't die if he does though, maybe break a few bones.

Please leave a review for more if you enjoyed this. Your reviews on "Bumps" really made me feel like writing another story. See you soon.

-Kay-chanLufU