On Nirn; A Summary by the Mad-God
An Elder Scrolls FanFiction by: ThatWinchieGuy
It was the year 204 of the 4th era. Yes, we all know the story of how the valiant Dohvahkiin came to power and slayed the great World-Eater. That is not the story I wish to tell. No, I wish to tell you the story of what Tamriel was like shortly after that. The Dohvahkiin was not the only hero of the 4th era, and perhaps not even the greatest. No, certainly not. In fact, I can firmly say in my right mind that the Dohvahkiin is the most overrated hero of the fourth era. First off, he was too bloody cliché. Oh, a strong-man warrior who comes in and kills dragons. Like we haven't heard THAT before. I'll admit, the shouting was intriguing, but did you really ENJOY that story? To me, the Dohvahkiin seemed a bit…stagnant? Does that even make sense? Basically, he didn't seem like a guy you want to meet in the Bannered Mare and come out piss drunk with at two in the morning. THAT'S a hero in my book. A hero of charisma. A hero of charm! The Dohvahkiin had no spunk in him! I met him, so I can say this. You didn't, you're too young.
There were heroes in the year 4E 204, though. Heroes of the breed I speak about. Heroes of charm. There were 5, in fact, spread all over Tamriel. Silly little buggers, they were. You expect me to talk about a group of bards, don't you? Well, screw that! Those are boring too. Not like mammoths, those are interesting. But, ah, a story for another time. Perhaps Morndas, eh? Never mind, all you need to know is that there's five crazy little men running rampant around Tamriel in the year 4E 204. Well, four crazy little men, the other's a….you'll find out. Oh I always do hope for the day one of those crazy Khajiit does something other than scratch up me furniture. I love cats! Just not that kind, those smell funny. Like one of those funky little blue things at the market..Ewgh.
I haven't introduced myself! Well, I did, when you wasted the 163 septims in that bookstore in Cyrodill, all to buy my stupid story! But hey, my name's on it! That's gotta be worth at least 50 of the tiny gold pieces you crazy mortals love so much. Or did you steal it from one of those bandit fellows? That's not very nice. If you did, please return this book to it's rightful owner, who is probably dead because you murdered him for the pleasure of reading me work. If you did kill him, excellent work you crazy barbarian you. That deserves a treat!
Where was I…oh yes, introductions. Every essay needs one of those if you want it to be good at all. I'm Sheogorath, Mad God of the Shivering Isles! Welcome to my book….wait, no I definitely said that already. How about we just talk about those redguards? Oh shut up, I'll get to the story at some point. That's what the book's about, right? Maybe. Anyhoo, redguards are my favorite! They always act so tough until you rip them limb from limb. And there's taffy inside of 'em! You can sell that for a good profit. Make a pretty little market stall in Anvil. How quaint. I always did enjoy market stalls. Easy to reach over the counter and strangle the vendor into giving you a fair price.
Okay, this introduction is too short….what else can I throw in here…..oh, I know! Dragons! Those silly lizards….flying is for birds, not lizards. Come back here! Get down from there! Oh they're just like Haskill here, always mucking about in the castle. Only they kill things with fire! And I do enjoy fire! And bacon. Oh yes, bacon is good. Not pigs though, they remind me of your mother. Did I mention I know your mother? Nice lady, she gave me some taffy! Why am I so obsessed with taffy today? I'm just kidding, she didn't give me taffy, she gave me something else. Wink!
Well I'm gonna get onto the next chapter soon. That's what you call them, right! That's boring, let's make up a new name for chapters. Let's call them….oh I got it! Taffy! Taffy One! There we go! See you in Taffy Two, reader! I'll start saying something that makes remote sense there. Toodles!