Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I do, however, have a McDreamy shrine in my locker. :)
A/N- I wrote this entire thing the day before "Some Kind of Miracle" aired, after rewatching "Walk On Water" and "Drowning On Dry Land" online to try and make it as accurate as I possibly can.
This works the same way as "Drowning," my other oneshot-- resolving this week's cliffhanger in my own way, along with flashbacks. I set aside ones from Mer's childhood in order to cover events from and mentioned in "(As We Know It)". All dialogue in the flashbacks is taken straight from the transcript, and I wrote the last flashback using Derek's description.
The song is "In The Light" by Full Blown Rose.
Please read and review, along with "Drowning"! I'd appreciate it!
- Divine Sally Bowles
"In The Light"
Winter winds have gone and faded
I told the skies of thoughts of gray
Tears upon my pillow laying
A child lost to pain
I pray for better days
I wake up with a start, choking, sure that I can still feel the water pouring into my lungs, desperately hoping that I was out of the water, that I'm safe, that someone, someone had noticed…
Suddenly I realize two things: I'm not in the water, nor do I have any in my lungs.
I almost breathe out a sigh of relief, before I realize another thing: I don't know where the hell I am.
"Hey."
I look over and see someone. Someone who looks really, really familiar.
Dylan…
That day gave me nightmares for weeks. Even now, sometimes, I think of it. "H-hey," I respond, shakily.
But wait…
Dylan…
Dylan's… dead…
Realizing this, I look up, suddenly frightened. "Am I… dead?" I whisper.
"Damn right you are."
I look in the direction of the voice. It's Denny.
"Holy…" I start, but words fail me.
Lift me up
Lead me from this place
Let your love be mercy on my face
Rising up, I changed before your eyes
Out of darkness, standing in the light
"Grey. His pressure's dropping. Grey!"
All eyes were on me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I can't do this, I can't…
I had my hand inside a man. A living, breathing man whose life depended on me, something that happened everyday, because I'm a surgeon. But today is different. Today, I have my hand on a bomb.
And it's my job to get the bomb out.
"I can't! No. I can't. This is crazy!" I told them, flipping out. "Burke, you gonna go?" I asked, desperately. "You go." Scared, I looked up at Burke and Dylan. "Both of you should go."
Burke looked at me, steadily, staring me down. Calmly, he said, "Nobody's dying today, Grey."
"Meredith, I want you to look at me."
Dylan's voice, across from me. I kept my gaze on Burke.
"Look at me," Dylan said to me, now standing in front of me. I took a breath and looked up.
He continued, "I know this is mad. And I know that I'm this ass who's been yelling at you all day. So you pretend that I'm not. You pretend that I'm someone you like. Whatever you need. But you need to listen to me."
I looked down at the patient, knowing I need to save his life, that I can't forgive myself if I don't. And I looked back up at Dylan, imagining…
… Until it's not Dylan I'm staring at anymore. It's Derek.
"I'm scared," I whispered, almost pathetically. Because I was. I didn't want to die, not then. My mind flashed back on everything Derek and I had been through… and I realized I couldn't remember the last time we'd kissed.
I couldn't remember the last time I'd been happy…
"I know," Derek/Dylan told me. "You can do this. It'll be over in a second. You can do this, Meredith."
"Okay," I whispered, reassured.
"Okay," he said, nodding.
I breathed out, and suddenly I was back in the O.R. with Dylan and Burke. Gradually, I started to pull out my hand.
"Gently," Dylan whispered, watching me like a hawk.
Crying, tears running down my face due to fear, I very carefully pulled out the bomb, handing it to Dylan, who looked up at me and said quietly, "You did good."
I didn't allow myself to feel relieved, not yet. This wasn't over.
Dylan left the room, slowly. We both knew what was at stake. One misstep, one jolt could cause the bomb to go off. I followed, watching.
Suddenly, too quickly to process, there was an explosion. Dylan was just blown up—there one second, not the next. The force threw me back against the wall, hard, covered in ash and blood and… dear God… skin…
Lying on the floor, I passed out.
Heaven hoped you'd come and change me
Out of ashes and make me whole
Lift me up and recreate me
And help me overcome myself
Lead me from hell
Breathing hard, I stare at Dylan, remembering that day vividly. I'd watched him die. He'd been vaporized right in front of me!
"I c-can't be dead," I whisper, panicking. "I can't…"
"Meredith," Denny says quietly, standing in front of me. "You were under the water for more than ten minutes. You weren't breathing for at least twenty…"
"No, no, no…"
"We know what it's like," Dylan adds, making me look at him. "We know what it's like… to be there one minute… and not the next… but it's the way things are, Meredith…"
"I can't be dead!" I burst out, almost savagely. "I can't! There has to be… someone had to have…"
"Derek pulled you out," Denny tells me. "He found you, and he pulled you out."
Of course Derek pulled me out, I want to tell him. Of course he did… because he loves me…
But does he love me still? This morning, in the bathtub, and again at the scene of the accident…
Everything I said to him…
What if I never get a chance to see him again?
Lift me up
Lead me from this place
Let your love be mercy on my face
Rising up, I changed before your eyes
Out of darkness, standing in the light
"Hey," Derek said quietly, standing on the front step, facing me. "You almost died today."
I could only look at him. He'd caused me so much pain. I loved him, but he loved Addison…
Did he love Addison?
The only thing I could do was reiterate what he'd just said. "Yeah. I almost died today."
He looked at me for a long time, then turned to leave. Finally, I managed to vocalize what I'd thought when I was about to pull out the bomb.
"I can't ... I can't remember our last kiss. All I could think about was I'm going to die today and I can't remember our last kiss. Which is pathetic, but the last time we were together and happy… I … want to be able to remember that. And I can't, Derek. I can't remember."
I said it all in a rush, unable to stop myself.
Derek said softly, "I'm glad you didn't die today," and turned to leave.
Is this really how he wants to leave things?
I turned away from him, starting to go back upstairs, when suddenly I heard his voice behind me.
"It was a Thursday morning."
I'm rising up, I'm moving on
Give me strength to carry on
I feel the light upon my face
I hear the angels' words of grace
I look at Denny and Dylan, still trying to process this. I can't be dead… I can't be dead…
"Did they try?" I whisper.
Dylan says, "They've been trying. But, Meredith… if you're here…"
He doesn't finish. He doesn't have to.
If I'm here, it's because I'm supposed to die.
Because I am going to die.
I look at Denny and whisper, "I-Izzie… she really misses you…"
Denny looks away, apparently pained as I mention Izzie. "I know," he whispers.
Looking at the two of them, I finally said, "I can't die. This can't be it! I—I have family… and not all of them are blood…
"I—I need to… to help my mom get through her surgery… I need to help Izzie, and George, and Cristina… I need to… to t-tell Derek that I lov… that I love him…"
Denny is about to say something, when suddenly everything goes white, and I'm somewhere… somewhere familiar…
It's cold… so cold…
The lights are harsh, and I hear a cacophony of sounds around me. People shouting orders, medical equipment…
I'm back.
I'm breathing.
I'm saved.
My broken wings will never fly
Lift me up and justify
I'm standing up, I'm standing out
I feel the warmth come crashing down
As soon as Derek said it, I could remember.
I'd just gotten out of the shower, changing back into my old Dartmouth t-shirt. It was coming up on four years since I'd graduated, and though the shirt was slowly growing older, I couldn't part with it.
Running my fingers through my wet hair, a towel around my shoulders, I stepped out of the bathroom. Derek was hurriedly leaving, just pulling on his coat as I came into the kitchen and sat down with the paper.
I looked up at the clock. "Don't you have a surgery to scrub in on?"
"Yeah. I'm late," Derek said, distractedly.
I nodded and got up. "I'll see you later, then."
I went over to him, leaning in and putting my hand on his chest, kissing him softly. It felt so… so right. I felt like I wanted to do it every day in the years to come.
I broke away, touching his shoulder for a moment, before I went back to the paper. Derek left.
That had been the last time we kissed.
Lift me up
Lead me from this place
Let your love be mercy on my face
Rising up, I've changed before your eyes
Out of darkness, standing in the light