Title: Coming Home
Main characters: James Diamond, Logan Mitchell
Side characters: Kendall, Carlos, Brooke Diamond
Warning: Slash Jagan
Future
Summary: James had been given a second chance to live, but coming home took a better understanding of the term, willingness, and time.
A/N: Beta-ed by Dullahan Shadow. Thanks again~! I'd make lots of silly mistakes without your help ^^
"Help..."
"It hurts..."
"Somebody... please help me..."
James hadn't been able to hear anything but those anguished cries since...how long had it passed? He had no idea. All he knew was that the sounds kept disappearing, at times were barely heard, a sign that James's consciousness kept slipping away.
Honestly, he wanted to join the choir of cries too. Maybe there was somebody out there who was able to help him out of this nightmare. But he couldn't. He couldn't pull a single muscle. He couldn't even feel his body. He could only feel pain all over it.
Was this it? Was he going to die like this? No way. No way in the world James agreed to die after leaving everything behind. His successful career, his mother, his best friends, Logan...
James was ready to give everything up had he been given another chance to make it up for those he loved.
The foul smell of blood made him dizzy and he could not keep up much longer. His eyes eventually shut. Something warm travelled down his cheeks, he could feel it, though he couldn't make out if it was his own blood or tears.
His mind continuously chanted prayers, begging to God for another chance, until he lost his awareness of everything.
"Okay. I'm gonna focus on hockey. Logan's gonna be a doctor. So, what are you guys' planning?" Kendall asked, still acting like a leader though he never sold himself as one.
"Me? I want to be a superhero! You know, saving lives in action. I'm gonna be a firefighter. Or a cop like Papi. It'll be cool to kick bad guys' asses. Oh I know! I want to be a super―"
"I see!" The blonde cut in, already got an answer. So Carlos hadn't decided. "James, what about you?"
Without diverting his attention from his reflection in the mirror he was holding, James answered, "Well, Big Time Rush has disbanded doesn't mean I'm gonna stop singing. I will find other record companies and go solo."
That emitted a frown from the last band member. "I thought you would stay with me."
"Yeah. You go to med school. I sing. That way we both are staying at Palm Woods."
It upset Logan even more. "You didn't listen, did you? I once told you that I wanted to go to med school in Minnesota. Not L.A."
The mirror was on the table now."What? Why? Why go to Minnesota when L.A. also has med schools?" James protested.
"Because I got the scholarship from the one located in Minnesota, duh? Medical school costs a lot. I can't afford paying school fee and the apartment together, James. I can't ask you to share your salary with me."
"Yes you can. You're my boyfriend!"
"Yes but you're not my husband."
Sensing the heated situation, Carlos stepped in between the two. "Whoa guys, chillax!" He then dragged James away before the taller brunette replied with harsher tone. Maybe some fun video games would cool his head off. That left Kendall to deal with Logan, who was slumping in his seat.
"Don't you think he's your future husband? Not to mention I don't see anything wrong with boyfriends sharing money since you two trust each other," Kendall started his pep talk.
"No, Kendall. I don't want to owe anyone. Besides, I do want to come home. I miss my parents, you know? I've left them for James's dream. That should have been enough."
"When you get married, his money will belong to you both, so will yours. So don't say anything about owe," Kendall disagreed, "About the latter, well, that's a reason you should discuss with James. Maybe he'll understand better..."
Logan sighed. "But honestly, I don't want a long-distance relationship either. You and Jo has been a good enough example."
"No, don't be greedy, Logan. And don't take an example out of me and Jo. That was just a crush. But you, what's happening between you and James is clearly love. You might argue a lot, but to me, you two are in love. Actually, I've long wanted each of you to promise me that no matter what you will not break up, ever."
Small laughter escaped Logan's mouth though it didn't really reach his eyes. "Seriously Kendall, you sounded like a pastor."
James was glad Logan gave up, though the shorter brunette insisted that he would pay for his own school fee and needs, letting James only accommodating the apartment. Logan also made James promised that if the dream didn't go as smoothly as he wished, if James's future career couldn't support living for them both, they would return to Minnesota.
So here James was, waiting for his turn to audition. He had been so nervous, since his first audition for Rocque Records was big time fail. And if he failed, he would have to fulfill his promise to Logan. Apparently, his worry proved to be in vain. Gustavo might be the only judge who was too blind to see James's talent, his own fire. These judges actually gave him standing applause at his performance.
He then signed record deals with the entertainment, proud since it was not easy to be accepted there, the company that was well known for its famous international singers. So James built his career. He started by singing as filler at famous singers' stages, singing at radio, producing an album compilation of his singles, rose from the bottom of music charts to the peak. In only a semester, people all over the world already knew who James Diamond was, how hot he was, most importantly the Godlike voice he possessed.
But not who his boyfriend was. The company deemed the publicity of his relationship, not to mention his sexuality, as career destroyer.
Logan had agreed, though it stung. It hurt that James was barely home. It hurt to watch gossips of James with another girl. It hurt when James denied him in public. It hurt to have to buy James's album to be able to hear his voice. His phone was almost never active. It got even worse if James was on tour. His text messages would have 'received' status months after they were sent.
But the tour would be over soon, Logan reassured himself. He followed his boyfriend's schedule that was posted on a website specially made by fans. In a week James would return to Logan's arms, before he left again when his third album release was even planned, before James underwent endless trainings again.
The singer did return on the day Logan expected, but only to regretfully inform him something that broke Logan's whole expectation.
Back then, James thought Minnesota couldn't give what he wanted. He wished to be famous, and being the most popular boy in a high school there was not enough. Therefore he went to Los Angeles. Now, the fame turned him even greedier. USA was not enough. Even the whole continent was not. James wanted the world, and so his company granted him.
World tour.
James didn't think about home. In his opinion, heading home could be later; later when he grew old and inactive. Later when his fans were gone. Later when he surrendered his pretty face to old age.
But Logan refused to wait that long.
James didn't bother to look at Logan's face as he explained about the world tour, since he did it while packing more of his clothes. Logan just stood by the open door, watching and trying his best not to let his tears falling.
"Are you ever returning?"
The singer glanced up, momentarily distracted. Logan hadn't occupied his mind for long. James almost forgot with whom his heart belonged. "If you still want me to return, then yes."
"Then no."
James halted his every movement, staring wide-eyed at the shorter boy. No? Did Logan just say no? Did James just get dumped? Did he just lose the one love and greatest friend in his life? James's heart clenched.
It was then he noticed that Logan looked...different. The boy looked a bit skinnier, and his features also changed slightly. He looked older than his age, looked serious, stressed and tired. Like he hadn't smiled in weeks, years even. Did James cause all that?
"Actually, my mother called few days ago. She told me that my father is sick. He's having acute kidney injury, and I want to be there for them. I thought I should wait for your coming, hoping we could go together. But that's it. Maybe it's for the best, James. I'll leave. You can move to the fancy mansion your company gave you, sell this apartment." Logan's lips formed a small sad smile.
It broke James's heart. The cold words, the cold tone, the cold attitude…
"Logan..."
"Sorry to do what blonde Jennifer first did years ago." He meant breaking up with him. James remembered back then at Palm Woods, when he asked her on fake date but ended with her breaking his perfect record. But that was hardly the same. That relationship was nothing. But this! This was the only serious relationship James had ever been in. Logan was the only person he had ever loved. Could James really live without him? Could he go home later knowing that Logan wouldn't be there in his room studying?
"Thank you for everything. Goodbye."
Logan pivoted out and heading to his own room. James wanted to reach him, wanted to beg for him to stay. But he didn't. James was too infatuated with his ego that he thought it was Logan's loss anyway.
It might be difficult to forget the genius, the happy memories with him, but James had his career to distract his mind.
James sneaked time from his stage training to pick up the call as the phone had been vibrating since forever. The screen displayed thirty miscalls from the same person. Worried, James finally picked it, but he was instantly met with a loud yell.
"Are you nuts?"
"It's about Logan, isn't it?"
"Yeah! What do you expect me to curse you about?" James could practically hear Kendall's fuming. "He showed up in front of my door looking like a kicked puppy. And he told me everything only after I forced him to."
"Wait, he's the one dumping me. I'm not the one kicking him out!"
"Your attitude is! You're always away with your concerts and stuff. Having no time for relationship is just like having no relationship, James! You can't even spare a minute to call him? It's you who asked Logan to break up with you."
The singer groaned. He really wasn't in the mood for Kendall's speech right now. "Why do you care so much about me and Logan? It's our decision to break up. If he loved me enough he would stand it. And I didn't love him enough to give up my career. Maybe this is for the best…" As soon as the words left his mouth, James's eyes watered. No. Losing Logan was never for the best. How could that come from his mouth? In fact, what could be worse? "I need to go back to my stage practice. Bye Kendall."
"You're stupid, James. Really, you're an idiot."
"Don't remind me." James hung up. He decided to turn his phone off so Carlos wouldn't follow Kendall once the Latino got the full story too.
United Kingdom. South Africa. Hong Kong. Philippines. Singapore. Indonesia. Malaysia. Taiwan. South Korea.
World travelling was really fun even though super tiring. James had to adjust to the climate, the food, the people, and others, but after the concert he could have time to enjoy the tourism spots. At those times, he couldn't help missing his friends. With their presence, every ounce of fun he had would have been multiplied million times.
But he doubted Logan wanted to be friends with him again, after everything. The thought was really painful. If that so, maybe James would lose Kendall too. And Carlos too, because that boy always sided with the blonde. Losing the awesome friendship they had built since forever; whenever James thought of it, he always felt like he was doing the wrong, which was ridiculous. Was dream a mistake? Was choosing career over boyfriend a sin?
No.
The arguments going inside his mind was won by voices that convinced, "If they were true friends, they should have supported him. If Logan truly loved him, he would have not left. He should have understood the job James was taking and dealt with it. He shouldn't have made James feeling lonely and awful like this. He should have traveled with James, not pursuing his doctor thing. They could have got married, letting James work to support them both. But Logan did none of that. Then James would find someone better."
"What? Are you gonna lecture me too?" James spat the moment he picked the call and read the name 'Carlos' flashing on the screen.
"Dude, what the hell? I haven't even said hello and you're already yelling at me?" The Latino's voice laced with annoyance. "Honestly, I'm mad at you, like Kendall. But I'm calling you for other reasons."
"Oh... Sorry, Carlos. I'm just feeling pissed at him right now. Okay, so why are you calling?"
"Logan wants to talk to you. Kendall took his phone because he doesn't want him trying to talk to you before you're the one making a move. Apparently, Logan begs me. I can't resist."
James's heart did a few flips when Carlos mentioned the name. Logan…still wanted to talk to him? He was angrier at Kendall for intruding the relationship when he had no rights to, but James could ignore it now. "Why would Logan want to talk to me? I thought he―"
"James? You there?" Logan's voice cut in, silencing the other line. "It's Logan."
Of course he knew. Who else had that such influencing voice? "Yeah, Logan? What's wrong?"
"…Um, nothing actually. I just…suddenly need to hear you. I mean, I know I've broken up with you and we haven't talked since but I just…." Logan rambled, "Where are you right now?"
Although he was confused, James went with it. "Indonesia. I'm at Soekarno-Hatta Airport right now. In half an hour I'll fly to Malaysia."
"Oh…um, James? When you're done with the tour, can you come home?"
"Home? Where is home, Logan? The apartment you asked me to sell? Minnesota? Give me a break."Recalling their break-up upset James that he raised his voice. "Whydid you call, seriously? You begged Carlos to let you call me only to ask where I am and tell me to come to a place I don't know exist?"
His heart clenched at Logan's shaking voice. "I don't know… Sorry, I have this sudden urge and… Just be safe, okay? Bye."
The call was disconnected just like that.
James tried to call him again only to hear Carlos answered coldly, "Sorry, James. None of us wanted to talk to you right now."
James was awoken at the voice; that voice, one James could never not notice. But how could it possible? Was he dreaming? Was this hallucination someone would feel before he died?
"I told you, Sir, this section is for unidentified victims. Most of them are severely broken. Even if your friend was here, you wouldn't be able to recognize him."
"I will! I can't find him in the other rooms. He must be here! Please!"
"No, Sir! Only certified forensic teams are allowed. I'm very sorry."
"I'm a genius and I know forensics. I'll recognize him. Just let me in!"
Logan. James's eyes opened now. He hissed at the brand new pain and darkness and the smell of blood that got even worse. He realized he was not in the same place where he fainted before. He realized he was no longer trapped between passenger seats and broken window, but bodies instead. Was he at the place the officer just mentioned? Section for unidentified victims, whose bodies were severely broken?
But here he was alive!
James was desperate to let out a scream, a squeak, anything that would inform them he was still alive. Yet again, he failed. He heard the door opened with a creak, followed by more officers trying to convince Logan to leave. But James knew the boy's stubbornness level and he staked his life on it now.
After few minutes, which felt like forever, James began to lose hope. Maybe Logan had given up. Maybe he couldn't find him, since he was buried under broken corpses. Maybe that was James's fate. God had let him hear Logan's voice for the last time, and that was it. After his attitude, James didn't deserve the chance to repair everything. He was going to die like this, hated by his friends, leaving Logan crying his heart out there.
Another streak of something wet and warm rolled down, and this time James was sure that was tear drop.
But then the darkness was replaced with blinding light. For a second James thought he was in heaven, but then he met a pair of teary concerned and desperate eyes. "J-James! It's you. It's your eyes! James, blink! Tell me you're alive. Please!"
James thanked God that his hazel eyes weren't ruined, that he could still do what Logan commanded. After listening to the cry of joy Logan emitted, his eyes closed again. He knew he would make it, no matter how badly messed up the other parts of his body were.
Kendall was the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes again.
"You're finally awake. Thank goodness."
James looked around, noticing the bright light, the white decorated room, the smell that he hated. He was in hospital. Pain shot up his spine, coming from every single part, James couldn't contain himself from hissing loudly.
"Wait, I'm calling the doctor to give you pain killers. Carlos! Hey, Carlos! Carlos, wake up! Watch James. I'm calling Dr. Fritz!" Kendall shook Carlos, who was asleep on the couch near the bed, before dashed off.
The Latino blinked, looked lost, but then jumped when he noticed James's consciousness. "James! Dude you're awake! You've been out for a month!"
James wanted to ask was where Logan was. But he still couldn't speak; as his face was bandaged save for his eyes. Carlos seemed to sense it though. "Logan is home. We asked the doctor to put drug on his coffee so he could rest. The boy barely sleeps, James. He's been watching you all the time. Even saved your life! He flew all the way to Indonesia to rescue you!"
As the Latino rambled more about Logan's heroic action, about how many bones James had broken, all inside his mind was: "Will I ever speak again? Sing again? Or am I gonna be mute? Are my broken bones treatable? Or I can't dance anymore? What's with the tour? There were supposed to three more countries to perform in, but being out for a month, are the fans angry? Disappointed? Concerned? Is my career over?"
He kinda forgot his promise to give everything up for people he loved had God granted him a second chance at life.
The view on the window was clouded, nothing but white, but that didn't bore James from staring at it for whiles. His mind was out on the space, still upset at the thought of losing his friends. He had yelled at them. He had made Logan cry, one of things he promised never to do when he discovered his feelings for the genius. And the word 'home' disturbed him. Where was his home, really?
Lost in his thoughts, James only came back to his senses when a woman shrieked, followed by an announcement from the central. There was said to be unfriendly weather and a request for passengers to not panic if the plane was unstable for a few minutes. Fear crept in James's vein, as he remembered Logan's last message, telling him to be careful. Was it a sign or just a coincidence?
How he wished it was to be the latter.
But after few sudden impacts, the plane moving to random directions, right, left, up, and down, one hard blow got the lights all out. Everyone screamed in terror, James joining when the transportation was falling down due to gravity. Somewhere in the middle the pilot seemed to gain the control again, lose it, gain it and in split second the plane collided with the ground. Some passengers were thrown out of their seats, some trapped under. The plane was still moving forward, crashing everything on its way, and finally it stopped at some empty lots.
Sweating and panting hard, James woke up. The accident was replayed again on his mind, the nightmare, and he wondered if he would never sleep peacefully again. Gentle hand caressing his cheek startled him, as he stared to its owner. Logan! James could not stop his tears from dropping. God he missed him! Failing to call the name of his love, James was reminded of his inability.
"Shh, James. It's a nightmare. You're going to be alright." James wanted to scoff hearing that. As if reading his mind, Logan continued, "You'll be able to speak again once your face gets fixed, James. It's not your vocal cord that is broken. After the last surgery, you should have been able to hum or something like that, but you can't hear it yourself because of this," Logan traced the bandage that covered most of James's face, including ears, excluding eyes.
The brunette wanted to ask for more details about his condition, and again, Logan didn't need spoken questions. "You were pretty messed up, Dude. Your legs were ripped, your bones on shoulder, ribs, and waist were broken, and your face was also… unrecognizable, save for your eyes. You should have been dead, but you're not. You've passed two days in that corpse room, a month in coma, so you can pass these healing stages too. Stay strong, okay?"
Dr. Fritz came seconds later, greeting them then checking his condition up and injected James with pain killers again. "Where are his parents? There's something I need to discuss with him," he asked.
"I'll call her…" Logan took out his phone and dialed Brooke Diamond, asking her to come. When he's done he pried the doctor, "I'm his brother. Can you tell me what's wrong? You can tell Mom later, but I need to know now."
"No, Logan. I know you were in a band with him. You're best friends, but this is a matter only family is allowed to know."
"Doctor, please! You told me I'm his guardian, his personal doctor-to-be. I need to know about my patient's condition!" Logan insisted.
James only watched the two, expecting bad news. Whatever it was, it couldn't be good. He sighed as Logan kept following the doctor even after he left the room.
Outside, Dr. Fritz gave in, defeated. "Fine. I'll tell you, but later when James's mother comes so I don't have to repeat twi―"
"Please don't amputate James's legs, Dr. Fritz. I'm begging you."
"What?" Dr. Fritz's eyes dilated. "How do you know?"
"Of course I do. I can see his legs rotting if they're let just like that, but I'll find a way, Doctor. We can transplant the bone, I'm sure in this whole world there is a matching one. I'm going to find it, please!"
"It's not just the bone, Logan. His flesh is ripped off. Do you think it's possible to ask for fresh flesh to be transplanted too? That's crazy!" The man shook his head. "Amputation is not so bad, Logan. Why spending money for surgeries and time to find the right donor? You should have used it to repair James's other parts."
Logan seemed to consider it for a while, but he still stood on his argument. "I promised him to fix him. He used to walk on his feet, and I'll return him to be like that again. To replace the flesh on his lower leg, we could use his thigh flesh. I've heard the case before and it works. So do it. I don't care how expensive that can be. And lastly, I'm ready to spend everything to fix his every part."
Dr. Fritz could not argue more. Logan was right. His intelligence indeed was impressive. "Persuade his mother. She'll be the one who signs the surgery form. I'll still tell her about the advantage of amputation, how it's needed. If you could talk her out of it, you win. Spend your life for him like you want to."
Smiling, Logan returned to James's room.
Fuck med schools. Logan wanted to spend his life fixing James. He didn't care if the man still wanted to have him back after the break-up, as long as he lived,Logan would be satisfied.
Brooke trusted Logan more that Dr. Fritz, apparently. So Logan was in charge. He arranged the surgeries, calling best doctors in the world, searching in the whole wide world to find the perfect match. First off, face. They put metal to replace his broken cheekbone and his skin was revived by plastic surgery. After three weeks James had been able to speak normally and his face had been flawless again.
The boy refused to talk much though, Logan, Kendall, and Carlos noticed. They guessed it was due to traumatic experience he had gone through, and also because of his insecurities. The arrogant top singer James Diamond had fallen into this weak, immobile patient who got machines to support his life.
"Logan..?" James called out once. The spiky haired boy, who was browsing on the sofa, looked at him surprised. James had never asked before. Words usually would come from his mouth only when he answered questions. "How's your father?"
That was unexpected, but Logan answered anyway. "He's healed. He got kidney transplantation."
"That's great to hear." They fell into silence for a few minutes before James spoke again. "Be honest with me. Will I ever walk again?"
Logan left the notebook and walked to the bed, "Yes. I'll make sure of it."
"You mean, walk normally? On my two feet? I can dance again, flip, and perform on stage?"
Something flashed across Logan's eyes but the boy was quick to compose himself. "Y-yeah. When I said I'd fix you, it means I'm going to return you to be like before."
James smiled a little. "Do you watch the news? Is there something about me or my fans mentioned?"
"Mama Knight does. She watched the news when your accident was reported. Your fans were sorry for you. Some of them cried for you."
"How many years will this whole fixing take, Logan? By the time I can perform again, do you think I will still have my fans? Do you think I can do a second world tour and finish it? Logan, please tell me." The smile faded, replaced by fear and desperation.
It hurt Logan that it was all James cared about. But this was James, after all. The boy had always cared about his popularity. Logan just missed the time when he was put above it, at the top priority of James's thoughts. "I don't know," so he settled on honest answer.
"You're supposed to know everything, Logan."
"Well, I don't! If I knew the spell to cure you in a blink of an eye I would have done it," the genius couldn't help annoyance lacing in his voice.
"What the hell have you been browsing for? I thought you were looking for my cure!"
"Yes I have been! But it does take years! If you can't be patient enough just say so, James, we can give up and amputate your legs. That's the easiest way. In an instant you can perform on stage again, in a wheelchair, I'm sure your fans will sympathize over you." Logan angrily stomped off, completely pissed. Hours of studying, countless pages online to find similar cases, contacting every corner of the world to find perfect donor, everything Logan would give to know everything, and James did not show any bit of appreciation! Tidying his notebook and the adaptor, Logan said coldly, "I'll ask Kendall to watch over you. Later James."
As the door closed, James felt his heart ached. He never meant his words to upset Logan. He never once doubted the boy either. James knew Logan would go to the end of the world for him, although they weren't together anymore, even if he had grown hatred towards him, Logan always would. It was one of the so many things James loved about him…
And James still loved Logan. The other reason why James wanted to heal quickly was because he wanted to hold Logan again, to be able to cuddle with him, to beg for his love again… yet James felt so insecure with his inabilities. Immobile on the bed like this made James felt so unworthy of Logan's care.
"I thought you had been reborn. Apparently you're still idiot. What did you do this time?" Kendall came in, irritation so thick in his voice.
"Shut it, Kendall. None of your business."
"Yes it is! You made my best friend cry! You destroyed the only relationship I admired. You, who're supposed to be my best friend too, acted like shit. How is this not my business?" The blonde crossed his arms.
This time James was not in the mood for arguing though. He already realized he was the one at fault after all. "Tell Logan I'm sorry."
Kendall softened. "James, please tell me. You still love Logan, don't you?"
James was not comfortable sharing his feelings with others, especially Kendall, but if this could win Logan back…"Yes. I've never stopped."
"Then, please, tell him. Convince him. I really don't want you to break up."
"Says the one who took Logan's phone so he couldn't call me!"
"I was upset at your attitude. I'm sorry. I thought being without Logan would knock some sense to your head…Sorry, Dude. Had you not made it, I wouldn't forgive myself for not letting you two talked." Kendall smiled when James nodded. "So you promise you'll make it up to Logan this time?"
Logan's request flashed on his mind again. The word 'home'. Was Logan asking James to let go of the fame? Was Logan asking James to stay with him in Minnesota? Was that the reason why Logan's smile disappeared when he mentioned about performing again?
Sensing the other's muteness, Kendall spoke again, "Earlier, why was Logan crying?"
"'Cause I'm an idiot who still cannot choose him over my career, that's why."
When James woke up again, it pained him that Logan wasn't the first thing his eyes fell upon. He doubted it was because Dr. Fritz drugged the genius again.
"Logan's upset now, but he'll come around. Just prepare for your next surgery, James. Logan and the doctors have found several suitable bones! He said if it succeeds, you can see your normal legs in few weeks," explained Carlos when James asked.
"But where is he? Tell Logan to get some rest. Now that he doesn't want to see me, he should be taking care of his own health…"
"Uh, he's at school. Logan hasn't been there since your accident, only learning and taking online exams, so finally he goes to school again. He will soon graduate anyway. It would be a pity if he dropped out now, which he probably would have done if his mother hadn't talked him out of it."
"…Carlos? Can I ask you something?"
Hesitantly the Latino nodded. "Sure. But I don't know if I can answer if you're asking about your condition, all knowledge is with Logan."
"It's not that. I just want to know, who pays for all this? My hospital fee, my treatment, the surgeries, everything… We spend my own money, right? The money I got from my singer job? I just want to confirm, since knowing you guys, you would…" James slanted his eyes at his suddenly frozen best friend. "No. Don't tell me you guys―"
"Um…James, a huge amount of your money was on that plane. We agreed not to use the rest though. Why? Because we all blamed your job. We almost lost a best friend because you traveled due to your job. Say, we thought the money you earned from it shouldn't be used to support your life. We all still have some left from BTR, you know? Kendall's job pays him enough money for himself and for your fees. I've been working at a junk food restaurant too. The money isn't as big but I participated in covering our daily needs. Logan…he's been saving money since he's a kid, you know? Actually he's got plenty in his bank account, it's all for your surgeries and other medical treatments. The rest is covered by your mother; our parents help a little too."
James winced, recalling the time of his childhood. They were seven when Logan brought James to make an account at the same bank, explaining advantages of keeping money there instead of in piggy bank. But James was not as competent as his best friend. He often got attempted to take the money back to buy cosmetic products or cool bandanas. Good old Logan never did that.
"If you want to pay us back, be James we've all known this time. The James who cares about his looks and popularity but still puts his best friends as his top priorities. The James who doesn't care about money that much. The James who makes Logan happy. That's all I need, at least."
It was easier said than done. James wanted to be that guy, the better him, but his wills were just not strong enough. If he came 'home' now, James was sure he would still miss all the glory, the stage performance, the fans… No. James would return once he could get rid of that longing. He's gonna perform again; finish a world tour at least one more time. He'd make his goodbye stage memorable and by then, he could let the dream go.
Would Logan be willing to wait that long? James doubted that. It pained him to admit that the genius indeed deserved better.
It needed seven surgeries on James's legs to finally be able considered as success. The bone and the torn flesh had been replaced. Once the cut dried, the bandages would be removed and James should be able to learn to walk again.
The whole time, James and Logan did not talk to each other. Sure, Logan still took care of him, watched him, but he mostly did that when the other was asleep. He didn't know though, because sometimes James faked his sleeps. James had to do that, because if his eyes fluttered open Logan would be gone, leaving the sound of a door closed.
When Logan had graduation, he insisted to come, for the first time presenting himself to the world again, in wheelchair. Some people who saw him did recognize him, top singer he was. Kendall and Carlos acted like mean bodyguards though, not letting the fans got too close because James wasn't completely healed. The pretty boy then learned that the reason why there were no newsmen, paparazzi, or reporters surrounding him was because his 'big family' didn't allow them.
However, just a short trip to the outside world was relaxing. It had been nearly year James spent lying on the bed. To finally be able to breathe fresh air again, it was magical, something he never ever pondered before. Again James was thankful God had given him another chance.
So, Logan graduated. "I don't think I'll go straight to work, guys. The money's still enough, right? I'll wait until James has fully recovered," he informed when they were on the way back.
Although James was touched, he couldn't let that happen. Logan had sacrificed too much for him. "But I have recovered. I just need to learn to walk again, don't I? I can do that without you." Hurt briefly passed the chocolate eyes before James realized how mean his words sounded. "I mean, I can't burden you any longer, Logan. You once told me that you wanted to work as soon as you graduated medical school."
"James is right. He has us, you know? Carlos and I will watch over him," said Kendall, but then he slapped his forehead. "Ah, shit. I forgot! My training is over soon and it's a matter of time before a team recruits me. When that happens I may have to move."
"Well I can stay. I don't have plans on quitting my job right now." Carlos grabbed James's wheelchair handle.
Logan frowned. "No offense, Carlos. But I can't really trust you." The spiky haired boy diverted his attention to James. "I've never seen you as burden, James. You're my best friend."
At the title, James didn't know if he should feel happy because at least Logan had forgiven his mean words, or sad because that was it, they couldn't be more than friends.
"Well James can learn to walk at the hospital. Dr. Fritz will assist him. That, if you so can't trust me." Carlos pouted, clearly disappointed.
"Waste of money. Plus, it won't be him who assists therapy like this. With some inexperienced guys who don't know a thing, if they weren't careful James might fall and it could cause fatal impact to the legs. Those legs are like bionic, unlike some other fractures or numbness on other people!"
James looked down at his feet, which were still bandaged. Logan was right. Bionic. James had heard that the doctors, who at first had given up on fixing him, were still trying because they had thought James was like an experiment. They put metals on his busted cheekbones. They moved the flesh of his body, from thighs to calves. They replaced the awfully broken bones.
Without updated technology, he was dead.
He was startled when Logan suddenly dropped on his knees, facing him directly, those warm eyes bore through his soul. "I'll stay because I want to."
Why, Logan? By doing this you're just giving me hope that we could get back to what we were before because "I still love you…"
Not only Logan, Kendall, and Carlos, James too was shocked at his sudden blurt out. It was really out of the blue and…what the hell? He just confessed to Logan in front of his other best friends?
"Uh, guys? We'll catch you later." Logan looked up to the still amazed boys. Kendall was first to snap and he hurriedly dragged the Latino away.
The short brunette's attention was back to the one sitting before him. "You mean what you said?"
"I know you probably don't have feelings for me anymore. I can't blame you. I chose my career and deserted you. But if you said things like that I can't help hoping, Logan. I still love you. I might still hurt you in the future, cause I can't promise to ditch my fame. But it's true that my feelings for you never fade."
"I can't promise you that I want to revive our relationship," said Logan, cutting James's heart in two. "I might get hurt again, so I'm not gonna risk it for now. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't have feelings for you anymore. I still love you too."
Finding honesty in those dark orbs, James sighed in relief. "I can… possibly live with it."
"…until you can flip."
He frowned. "What?"
"Until you can do flips again, I'll postpone working. Until you can do flips again, we'll have this vague relationship. After that we have to give each other final answers. If it's not gonna work out, time to move on. You can go back being a star and find the one who's meant for you. Let me work at hospital and find the person for me too. How's that?" The genius suggested.
James gave a minute to think. "I don't know I'm looking forward to the time or not. I mean, I want to recover as fast as possible. But I'm afraid it's not going to work out between us. I'm afraid I have to let you go."
"Someone better would come to your life and replace me, James. You might come to love the person more than you have ever loved me." Pain was evident in those eyes, just by saying the conditional.
"I doubt it."
"We doubt our future. Everyone does."
James was silent again before he lifted up a pinkie. "Until I can flip again, I'll have to change our hearts. I'll have to be able to choose you over anything. You'll have to be willing to give your heart again. That's the only way."
Logan's finger welcomed the invitation. "It's a deal."
"Deal."
Smiling, the pale boy stood up and moved behind the wheelchair, slowly pushing it. "You have months, James. Learning to walk after long coma is difficult. But your case, it is much more difficult," the boy went on doctor mode as they headed home.
"Mmhm…Logan?"
"Yeah?"
"I am sorry. For what I said back then at the hospital. I know you've been trying your best to cure me. I know you've spent all your time studying, looking after me, trying to find best donor. I know you can't possibly know everything. I was upset at that moment, thinking it's hopeless, assuming my dream will never go on. Stupid me."
A hand stroke the brown hair. "I know you must be sorry. I know those painful words weren't from your heart. So you're forgiven right away. I cried because I thought you would never put me as top priority. You got accident on your world tour, and you got lucky to actually live. Yet you wanted a quick recover because you wanted to do the tour again. It just…hurt."
"I'm sorry," James repeated.
"Forgiven."
"… Thank you."
"Finally. I do deserve your gratitude." James could actually know Logan was showing his adorable smirk without having to turn back. "Still have something to say?"
James wanted to thank Logan for finding him, not giving up when the securities held him back then at the corpse room. He wanted to thank him for taking care of him during his coma, his immobility, his moments of weakness. He wanted to thank him for using his savings to pay James's medication fee. He wanted to thank him for not amputating his legs, because if the genius had let it, James would forever lose his confidence. He wanted to thank him for staying. He wanted to thank Logan for simply being there.
Mostly though, James wanted to thank Logan for loving him. In the past, present, or perhaps future too.
However that was not necessary to say out loud. James was sure Logan knew that his 'thank you' earlier meant for everything.
So James settled with "I want to want to feel homesickness." He turned his body to face the other boy. "I love you, Logan. Really do."
A kiss fell upon top of his head. "I want to welcome you home. I love you, James. As much."
-End-
A/N: The accident is based on true story I heard, so are the terrible condition and surgeries. James's world tour schedule is adapted from Westlife's Gravity Tour.