DISCLAIMER: E.W. Scripps Company owns The Food Network and employs chef Alton Brown, a host on The Food Network. Sunrise owns all the characters from My-HiME. Demi Moore owns Ashton Kutcher.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This one-shot is what happens when the author is over-worked and has excessive amounts of coffee. My deepest gratitude goes to Elder Master-sama for beta'ing and tweaking this crackfic so it made sense.
Down Home in Japan
Natsuki nervously paced around the house like a caged wolf, constantly watching the clock. The seconds seemed to tick by excruciatingly slow for the raven-haired woman. Her wife, Shizuru, has been in America for the past month on her book tour. The couple's separation was working Natsuki's last good nerve. Unfortunately, for Natsuki and everyone around her, she couldn't accompany Shizuru because someone had to, as Shizuru put it, "Hold down the fort."
For the past several weeks, Natsuki has lashed out at everyone around her for no apparent reasons. Her good friend, Mai Tokiha, strongly suggested Natsuki take some time off and join Shizuru in America. Whenever Mai would make this suggestion, Natsuki would adamantly refuse, reciting Shizuru's words.
Natsuki, bored with pacing about, plopped down on the couch and turned on the television. She channel surfed for several minutes until she saw her favorite chef, Alton Brown, introducing a cooking show. Natsuki put down the remote and settled in to watch. As the show went to a commercial break, Natsuki got up and grabbed something to drink. Upon returning to the couch, Natsuki realized happily that Alton was back as well.
"Today, the Food Network Presents: 'Traditional Southern Cooking with Shizuru Fujino.' Our guest chef, Shizuru Fujino, is currently on tour promoting her latest cookbook, "Down Home in Japan: Traditional Southern Cooking." On today's show, chef Fujino will show us how to prepare several dishes from her cookbook. I'm your host, Alton Brown, for this culinary excursion. Here is our guest chef, Shizuru Fujino."
"Hi y'all! Today, I'm gunna show you fine folks how to make some traditional Southern dishes like "Fried Okra," "Sautéed Napa," "Red Azuki Beans and Sticky Rice," and "Sweet Green Tea."
What Natsuki saw and heard disconcerted her, causing her to spray the television with the liquid in her mouth.
"WHAT THE HELL?" Natsuki yelled and looked around her, as if searching for a hidden camera. The last thing she wanted to see was Ashton Kutcher.
"OH HELL NO! NO! NO! NO!" Natsuki violently shook her head and whipped out her mobile telephone.
Before Natsuki could press the well-worn speed dial button on her mobile telephone, it rang.
"Natsuki…? Natsuki…?" Mai asked frantically. Before Natsuki had a chance to respond, Mai added, "Turn on The Food Network!"
"Mai! Calm the hell down! I'm watching it now." Natsuki replied gruffly trying not to wince whenever she heard her wife's voice.
"What's wrong with Shizuru's voice?" Mai asked incredulously.
Before Natsuki had a chance to answer Mai, her 'Call Waiting' feature told her there was another caller trying to reach her. Natsuki desperately tried to get a word in edgewise, but Mai just would not stop chattering, so she sighed and put her good friend on hold.
"Kuga," Natsuki answered.
The only thing the raven-haired woman heard was loud familiar laughter.
"Shut the hell up…NAO!" Natsuki yelled into her mobile phone, wishing the redheaded delinquent would forget her number.
Natsuki roughly closed her mobile telephone. All night long, Natsuki painfully watched her wife on television and fielded similar calls from their friends and family.
After the show ended, Natsuki sighed in deep resignation as she turned off the television and grabbed her motorcycle keys, "Down home in Japan…my ass!"