Summary- Missing moment. Fudge said the Potter's knew one of their friends had turned traitor. But how did James and Lily react to the information? And why did Sirius (and, I assume James) think Lupin was the spy? A conversation between James and Lily as they try to come to terms with the fact that one of their closest friends has turned Death Eater.
The Cloak of Fire
Lily sat in the half-light her face pressed against the cool bars of the cot. The bright light from the landing melted into the darkness of the bedroom, it's brazen radiance mellowed by the soft gloom, so that only the faintest golden glow touched her son's upturned cheek. He sighed in his sleep; his tiny fists clenched on the edge of the blanket. My baby Lily wondered if it was really possible that she could love somebody so much. It took her breath away. The feeling enveloped her, like burning cloak, flames searing through her flesh piercing her soul and forging it anew with its irresistible heat. Nothing, she knew could put out that fire, now it had been lit, nothing… only…
Again that strange pull at her heartstrings, that nagging ache that told her that their time together would be short. However much she loved him she knew she could not keep him safe forever. No mother could. Children grow up and want to walk on their own in the world- and Harry more than any other, had a destiny to fulfill. Even before she had heard of the Prophecy she had known he would bear more and achieve more than she could ever realize…but for now, this soft gold tinted hour she could forget the swiftly approaching darkness in the soft steady sound of his breathing.
She had been warned, of course. Poetry both in the Muggle world and in the wizards waxed lyrical on that apparently unbreakable bond, a mother's love… but she had never really understood what they had meant until she first held Harry in her arms. She felt she could lose herself in the fragile spiral of his ear; the soft fluttering of his eyelashes was her hearts beat.. and when he cried her whole body trembled as if she might be drowned by the tears dropping from those bright green eyes. You, my baby, are the centre of my universe now…
She had never realised before how very selfish she had been, living only for herself. She had loved, of course, loved her parents, her sister, James… but this was utterly different. If she had to she knew she would die for James. But for Harry she would surrender her soul, and think it well lost.
A shadow fell over the cot. A dark figure standing in the doorway squinting into the room.
"Who's there?"
"Lily?"
Lily felt a wave of relief flood her. Over the past few weeks Lily and James had taken it in turns to attend Order meetings, while the other would remain behind with their son. Lily hated the long evenings spent waiting, trying not to wonder whether James would return home safe.
" You're back at last!" She said, smiling broadly.
"Looks like it" James replied, returning her smile automatically. Something's wrong, Lily thought.
"Can you leave Harry a moment? I need to talk to you."
Lily nodded, tip- toeing out of the room, wincing at the sudden light.
"How long have you been in there?" James grinned, more naturally this time. Lily smiled.
"I don't know. I seem to lose all track of time watching him sleep. I love it. It's so peaceful. "
Something in her voice made James look at her sharply.
"You've been worrying, haven't you?" James was watching her face closely.
Lily shrugged.
"Lily?"
"It's just- you were a little late and I couldn't- I couldn't help wondering…" Her voice faltered. A strange almost desperate expression had spread over James' face.
"I was just being silly. I'm alright now." She said hastily
"It wasn't meant to be like this." James said quietly. "I wish-"
Lily shivered.
"Don't- don't wish things different James. My mother always used to say that wishes do more harm than curses in this world."
James gave a rather savage laugh.
"Your mother was a muggle, Lily. She'd never seen a house blown to pieces with the family still inside."
Lily looked at him in surprise.
"What's wrong with you?"
James opened his mouth, closed it again and shrugged.
"When we got married- I honestly thought I could make you happy."
"You have."
James turned away gripping the banisters.
"Not like I should. You deserve better than this. Stuck here in the house, always wondering in the back of your mind whether I've been blown up or Taken, whether Harry's safe…. I can't bear to see it. You should have had a normal life, you know? Wearing slippers, reading the Witch Weekly, and nagging your kids about drinking up their pumpkin juice- not this. "
"James, your not responsible for this War." Lily said gently.
"I know, but I can't help thinking- I wish I had it in my power to- to protect you. Not from the danger- that's not the worst part. From the waiting, and the worrying. I wish I could make it so you'd never have to worry again."
Lily took James by the arm, forcing him to face her.
"You mustn't wish that James. A person who worries for nothing, cares for nothing. I wouldn't want to live like that."
James smiled ruefully, pushing back a strand of hair that had fallen into her face.
"You do know I love you, don't you, Lils?"
"Well, of course you do." Lily said with a haughty shrug.
"Watch your tone, Evans!" James said severely, in his most pompous Head- Boy voice.
"Oh, but, sir, I'm a Potter now." Lily said silkily, winding her arms around his waist.
"Oh, so you are. I'd forgotten." James declared. Lily raised her eyebrows.
"Well, no, I hadn't but I love hearing you say it." James admitted. Lily laughed, leaning up to kiss him squarely on the mouth.
"What was it you wanted to tell me?"
James' smile faded suddenly.
"Let's go downstairs." He said. "I need a drink."
In the kitchen James poured himself a large glass of firewhiskey. Lily noticed his hands were trembling slightly.
"What happened?" Lily asked gently
" Dumbledore called me back after the meeting
"And?" Lily prompted.
James took a deep swig from his glass.
"We have to go into hiding."
Lily sat down sharply. It was news they had long been expecting, ever since they had heard of the Prophecy, but a shock nonetheless.
"Why?" She whispered "Why now?"
"Dumbledore says- he says someone close to us has been passing information to Voldemort." James said it very fast, not looking at her.
"What?"
"He's says known for a long time that there's a spy in the Order. And now-"
James took a deep breath
"Voldemort knows Harry's birth date."
Lily gasped.
"But we didn't- we didn't tell anyone…"
"Exactly. It was kept top- secret because of the Prophecy." James put his glass down firmly staring into the amber liquid. "You're sure you didn't tell anyone-" he began hopelessly.
Lily shook her head firmly.
"I told everyone he had been born in August. Even Petunia. Not that she showed a lot of interest." There was a slight note of bitterness in Lily's voice.
"So that only leaves-"
"The Marauders. And Dumbledore." Lily stated.
There was a loaded silence. James leaned back in his chair running his hands through his hair distractedly. At another place and in another time Lily would have found the return of that old school- boy gesture amusing, endearing even. Here, now, it frightened her.
"I can't believe any of them would do it." James burst out suddenly. "I've known them for years- they're my best friends – it's impossible."
Lily shook her head slowly.
"It's possible James. Voldemort knows how to bring out the very worst in people, their petty jealousies, their hidden resentments…. If he can find away of manipulating someone…"
"I DON'T CARE WHAT TRICK VOLDEMORTS PULLED ON THEM!" James roared. "I WOULD'VE DIED FOR ANY ONE OF THEM.. how could they?" His voice cracked
"James." She said quietly, laying her hand on his. He turned to look at Lily and all the anger died out of his face.
"I'm alright." He said. " It's just-" He made a sudden hopeless gesture, knocking over his glass. They watched as the tawny liquid spread sluggishly across the polished tabletop, gleaming. Neither of them made a move to clear it up.
" I wish I knew which one of them it was." James said quietly.
"You're right. We have to know. Or we can't trust any of them." She put her head in her hands. "We have to think about this logically.Who could it be? Not Dumbledore, obviously. Sirius?"
James looked at her, incredulous.
"Well, it has to be one of them." She snapped.
"Not Sirius.
"You're sure?"
James met her gaze unflinchingly.
"I've known Sirius ever since we both started Hogwarts. I'd sooner suspect Dumbledore,"
Lily nodded thoughtfully.
"You're right. I can't see Sirius as a spy. Peter?"
James spluttered.
"Little Peter? A Death Eater?" he laughed. Lily didn't smile.
"Stranger things have happened."
"Come offit, Lils. You see how he is around me and Sirius"
"He worships you."
"Well- yeah. There's no way he'd betray us."
Lily sighed, still not satisfied. James leaned across the table looking her straight in the eyes.
" Look, Lils, I've known Peter for years. He's not very brave, or even particularly clever… but he hasn't got a disloyal bone in his body."
Lily nodded reluctantly.
"I suppose you're right. But then that only leaves-"
"Remus."
"I can't believe that."
James didn't answer. Lily looked at him.
"You think it's Lupin, don't you."
" Well, no. It's just-" James began reluctantly
"What?"
"Well, he's always had hidden depths hasn't he? I've always felt as though- there was some part of himself he kept back from us."
"He can be a bit reserved, I suppose. But that doesn't mean-"
"And there is that whole werewolf thing. I know it's not his fault" he said hurriedly, seeing the expression on Lily's face " But- Lily- I've seen him transform. I didn't really realise, when I was younger, quite how awful it must have been for him. I mean, it's so painful, for one thing. Just think how traumatic it must be to go through that every month. And then there's what it does to his mind. It's frightening. He's not like the Remus we know at all… he's savage. Wild. You don't know, you've never seen it- he changes completely. I just wonder if - all that- might have left some kind of mark on him. If, perhaps, deep down, he might have a bit of the wolf left in him…. I don't know" He looked up at Lily helplessly.
"Do you think I'm being stupid?"
Lily frowned, deep in thought.
"No. No, I think you may have a point. And of course, there's all that prejudice he has to deal with, too. On top of everything else he has to deal with- it's just too much. You could see why he might become… bitter."
The looked at each other across the table, bleakly.
"It's Lupin." James said quietly.
He stood up sharply and began to pace the room.
"I'll kill him."
Lily looked at him, appalled. He was serious.
"No- James, please…Lupin must have- he's been under a lot of pressure. Probably more than we can understand. Voldemort must have- I can't believe Remus would've given unless he really couldn't help it…" her voice trailed off.
"Lily, do you realise what he's done? He hasn't just betrayed me. He's betrayed us. Harry too. He's just a baby, Lils and Remus has put his life ion danger. I can't forgive that."
Lily swallowed.
"I know James, you're right but- Oh, James we mustn't start hating our friends. At least not until we know more. If you have to hate anyone, hate Voldemort. He's the one who's poisoned all our lives. Even Remus'."
James stopped, turning to her and nodded miserably.
"I just wish-"
Lily rose, putting a finger to his lips.
"No wishing- remember?"
James looked at her helplessly and Lily saw the tears welling up in his eyes.
"Lily"
"I know." She whispered, putting her arms around him, and feeling his body shaking. "I know."
Lily and James stood interlocked, for a long while, in the brightly lit kitchen, while outside the darkness pressed against the windows.