Disclaimer! I do not own anything that has to do with NARUTO!

HIM

Lately I wonder how I started having feelings towards him. When did I start to see him as something more than just a dear friend. I don't understand my feelings and can't seem to grasp the gravity of this situation. I think if there was an award for having awful timing the winner will be me. First I dedicated most of my life chasing a man that never showed any interest in me to begin with and now after all the tears, laughs and troubles I have come to realize that deep within my heart I've always had feelings for my best friend in the world. I still can't seem to pinpoint when I started seeing him differently? Was it after war? Or perhaps before that? Or was it when I saw that his feelings for me had changed from having a crush to a platonic friendship.

So what had changed? Before I started feeling like this having him think of me as nothing more than a friend would have been a welcomed changed from all the times he had asked me out as children. So what do I do now? Do I act out on my feelings or do I smile and congratulate him for finally asking the most beautiful girl in the village out? What would he say if I tell him of my feelings for him? Would he be happy or would he reject me? I have always been a selfish person so perhaps it is time to change the course of my life and instead of chasing another dream then maybe I will let him have the happiness that he has always dreamed as a child.

Lately I wonder how his body would feel against mine. I know I shouldn't think about stuff like that specially as I see him walking down the street hand in hand with his beautiful girlfriend, another good friend of mine. Guilt starts piercing through my chest as feelings as jealousy callously start taking over my heart and in that moment I know that I need to get away from this place that no longer holds anything for me but misery and memories of a love that will never bloom.

As I start unpacking my stuff from a previews mission, I hear my doorbell ring and as I open the door I see him there outside my door with a big smile and those beautiful blue eyes that pierce my heart. "Hey, what are you doing here?" I ask him as I try to give him a fake smile, which he notices and frowns "Are you ok? Lately it seems like everytime I try to talk or see you it's not a good time" I nod my head and take a deep breath "Don't be silly have been very busy with the hospital and helping the Hokage with certain missions. Is there something you wanted to talk about?" I say as I look down. He shakes his head and lifts my chin "Really? I could have sworn you were avoiding me" my eyes widen at his statement and quickly I laugh nervously and shake my head "come on, why on earth would i do that? You are after all my friend" I say that with a smile and continue talking " and I would have assume you were busy with Hinata, taking her out and stuff… she must feel pretty special to finally have you all to herself" He laughs at that "She is wonderful, it's like my heart its finally happy to have such an amazing woman with me" I look down "yeah I bet she feels pretty lucky herself to have someone like you light up her world everyday."

He looks at me and then smiles after hearing my words and for a while all we do is stare at eachother my heart starts beating a little louder with each second that passes and we start walking towards each other without breaking eye contact, everything around us disappears and all you can hear is the beating of our hearts. He suddenly moves my hair out of my face and I say "Is there something you needed to talk about? Why are you here?" I whisper the last part and don't know if he actually heard what I said "I wanted to talk to you about us, it seems like for the last 7 months or so we have not had time to talk to each other and every time I am around whether it's alone or with Hinata you always seem to find excuses to leave the room, so please tell me if I did something to make you upset" as I hear this, I turn away from him and try distancing myself from him "There is nothing going on, you didn't do anything I've been very busy that's all, I promise" as soon as I say that his facial expretion changes from worry to anger "You know, I never thought that you would lie to me? You can't even look me in the eye and tell me that you are ok, so please spare me the nonsensical excuses and tell me the truth, what is bothering you?"

My mind is going crazy trying to find the right words to convey my feelings of me being ok, but what's the point in the end nobody knows me like he does, so why lie perhaps telling truth will liberate me from this ongoing nightmare of not being able to be with him, As soon as that thought crosses my mind an image of Hinata and Him being happy crosses my mind and my will falters. "I'm ok, I'm just trying to figure out something and I'm trying to find the best approach for it… Please don't worry this has.." he interrupts "please don't tell me it has nothing to do with me, everything that involves you has everything to do with me, you are my family Sakura you can't just push me away" " don't tell me what I can or cannot do alright, I haven't been your business for a very long time so why are you being so annoying and trying to meddle in mine" I yell at him "Sakura, don't give me that shit, we have known eachother for a very long time and this" Pointing at me and him "..is not something new, I know something is bothering you, so until you tell me what it is, I refuse to" I kiss him, I don't know what came over me but right now all I care about is this kiss, his touch, his softness. As we pull away, eyes still close I whisper words that I never thought I would ever express " I love you, Goddamnit I love you so much, so there! Now you know what has been bothering me" As soon as I say those words he reaches back and kisses me again but this time this kiss is anything but innocent, it's full of passion, anger and confusion and without even noticing my back is hitting the wall of my living room and all I feel is hands touching me everywhere, his lips on my neck working his way down my skin. I have never experienced passion like this to feel wanted in such a way, it's primal and it feels so good to feel him, our clothes lay on the floor forgotten, his fingers tease my skin and I can't help but to moan as I feel him slide a finger inside my core, he teases me like this for couple of more minutes and just when he positions himself at the center of my core he stops, his eyes are wide with confusion and anger at the same time, he backs away from me and quickly dresses and leaves without saying anything to me. Tears blurred my vision and for the first time in my life I feel disgusted with myself.

The following day I tried my best to avoid him and everyone else, I said I love you but he never said it back, I guess his answer was him leaving me the way he did. I feel so stupid, how could I confuse him the way I did, God I'm such an ass I can't believe I did that. I need to get away from here and I need to get away now before I fall to pieces. Later on the day we all jonin are summoned by the Hokage's office for a meeting "Ok everyone, I need a volunteer for a mission. Since the war many small villages that lack monetary assurance need help with medical and reconstruction, this mission will require 1 person for either of those fields" Everyone stayed silent, finally some good news, this was the perfect opportunity for me to get away from here "I'll do it" everyone turns to look at me and I feel him looking at me with those penetrating blue eyes that look right through my soul "But I have condition, once I am done with that village I would like to travel and help other villages like that " "In other words you want to be free to travel so if you don't come back right away then you won't be listed as a missing ninja" the Hokage answers and I nod my head in approval "Sakura, are you sure about this? This isn't going to be easy" I smile at her worried tone, she has always been like a mother to me so it doesn't surprise me that she is trying to keep me close "I'm positive, plus you need the best here and you have Ino to assist you, I think my abilities will be best served in other places were they really need it" she looks at one more time and finally nods in agreement "Alright, you have 2 hours to pack, after that come to my office and get the information about the village that needs you now, you may be excused from the rest of the meeting" as I stand up and feel everyone looking at me, I turn and look at Ino and whisper good luck, I turn left and look at him and whisper I'm sorry with sad smile.

As soon as I open the doors I feel like a great weight has been listed off my shoulders, I take a deep breath and close my eyes, perhaps now with the distance I will be able to move on and live the rest of my life in peace without ever thinking about him, my best friend, the love of my life, Naruto Uzumaki.