Title: Letting Go
Genre: Angst/Romance
Rated: T
Pairing: Yullen
Summary: Perhaps, the only way to forget you is to let you go. Yullen. (Allen's POV)
The moonlight shone faintly through the opened windows. A light breeze entered the serene place, cooling down the night temperature as he sat by his side. His hands brushed through the soft strands of hair covering part of his face as he looked closely at him, staring at the beautiful face that enticed him whenever they walked past each other, and that pair dark sapphire eyes that bought out the beauty within him stunned him completely. In this silence, he couldn't help but recall the times he had spent together with him.
He had fallen in love with Kanda Yuu.
-
(2months ago)
He and Kanda had started to quarrel again. He was angry that Kanda did not even give a damn on what he had done to the poor Finder who was with him in his previous mission. He just could not stand his arrogant attitude and his way of protecting his pride, when obviously, he was wrong in the first place.
"Just admit that you are wrong, Kanda! Is this how you are supposed to treat your comrade, abandoning him in times of battle and just think of destroying the enemy as your priority?"
Of course, Kanda was not in a very good mood either, being reprimanded and shoved around by his god damn principles. Firstly, how dare that moyashi lecture him when he was supposed to mind his own fucking business?!? Secondly, he was not his mother, so all the more he should shut his big old mouth and keep his own words to himself! And thirdly, he was the senior in the first place, so why should he listen to what he had to say?
"Haven't you had nothing to do, moyashi? What right do you have to lecture me?" Kanda hissed lowly, glaring darkly at him. Allen did not seem to back away as he stomped right up to his front and shot the glare right back at him.
"As long as someone has done wrong, Kanda, I have the very right to correct them! And that includes you!"
Veins could be seen popping out of his forehead as the raven-haired samurai started unsheathing his sword, giving the silver-haired Exorcist the last chance to stop his nonsense and go away. The atmosphere was getting tense as gasps filled the air next, seeing Allen getting ready to activate his Innocence instead of running away. A familiar smirk crept up Kanda's face, very impressed in what he was witnessing at this moment.
"That's really bold of you, moyashi."
"I have a name, Kanda!" Allen said, getting annoyed.
"Oh? But I can only recall your name as moyashi," Kanda sneered playfully, mocking at Allen. A slight wince could be seen on that silver-haired boy's face, but he had no intention to back away, his determination firm and not wavered. The two Exorcists then placed their footings firmly on the stone ground, ready to launch their attack. People around them wanted to stop them from fighting, but no one dared to step up against this two loggerheads who were the most difficult to deal with among the rest of the Exorcists known. It was simply best not to interrupt them.
He stared at his opponent, who had fully taken out Mugen and slowly held it high above his head. The bright shine from the reflection of the metal blinded him slightly, making him a little hard to see what's ahead. He blinked, trying to focus on him. Suddenly, a thought hit him, and left him stunned.
Why was he doing this?
"Allen-kun!"
"Yuu-chan!!"
The next thing, he found Lenalee pulling him aside, and Lavi grabbing the raven samurai away to a safe distance. A huge sigh of relief was heard throughout the whole vicinity, as everyone thanked the two saviours who, once again, saved the day.
"Get your hands of me, baka usagi!" Kanda snapped as he slapped his hands off from his shoulders. Lavi just laughed sheepishly and backed off as he tried to calm the raven-haired teen down. While at his side, Lenalee was trying her very best to persuade him not to ask further questions from Kanda.
"You know that Kanda does not like people to question the way he does things, Allen-kun."
"He is wrong in the first place! If God is not at his side, that Finder would be killed! No matter what, he must say sorry to the Finder!" Allen replied coldly, folding his arms in frustration.
"You know Kanda does not mean that, Allen-kun. He does care for his comrades who are fighting together with him."
Allen was silent for a few seconds, before he slowly turned to stare at the stoic samurai standing across the other side of the corridor. Gradually, his painful eyes softened.
"Does he?"
His heart pained, and his head spinned. Whenever he was reasoning out with Kanda, things just turned out horribly wrong, and in the end, he was the one who was very exhausted. He just could not get Kanda to listen to him. No matter what he did, how he fared in missions, Kanda just did not want to acknowledge him. He always thought that he was stupid, dumb, naive, weak, acting innocent and brought burden for his friends around him. He should never be qualified as the accommodator of the Innocence in the first place, and should get rejected. No one would really care anyway, because there was simply nothing fantastic about this ridiculous, weak-looking boy.
Everyone would be very nice to him, when Kanda had to ruin everything that he had felt around people that he knew ever since he entered the Black Order. He wanted to enjoy his days treating the Black Order as his home, yet Kanda would always be the one who did not fit into this wonderful picture. When he agreed, Kanda disagreed. When he thought this was right, Kanda always insisted that it was wrong.
He couldn't understand. Why did Kanda hate him this much?
This did not happen to Lenalee. Once, he saw Lenalee having a very pleasant conversation with Kanda one particular afternoon, and to his amazement, Kanda joined in the conversation very well. The two of them just stood there, the girl giggling happily, while he had a frowning look on his face, wondering what was so funny in the topic that they were talking about.
This did not happen to Lavi either. Though Kanda called him names and treated him almost indifferently from him, he did not really reject Lavi as much as him. Once he saw Lavi pestering him for the whole day, but Kanda did not even say a single word, letting him walk together with him and say whatever he wanted. He had an irritated look on his grumpy face, but he did not chase him away.
So, why was he the exception? Why?
"Allen-kun?"
Lenalee realised that he was acting weird. Allen just shook his head and produced a smile.
"I'm not feeling well, so I go back to my room and rest."
She did not reply. Taking it as a yes, Allen turned around and started to leave. Footsteps echoed through the silent corridor, and as he was getting further away from them, he noticed that he could not hear Lavi's voice anymore. Kanda's snappings seemed to have stopped as well, and he wondered whether he was staring at him.
Allen felt warm a little. It was...rather awkward to have Kanda staring silently at him. He turned to the left and continued his way down the pavement which would lead him to the rooms where the Exorcists stayed. His hands started to feel cold all of a sudden and Allen tucked them into his squeezy but warm pockets at his black pants. He stopped by the railings and leaned against the wall, breathing out slowly.
"Walker-dono!" He turned. It was the Finder who had accompanied Kanda in his previous mission.
"John-san, you should go back to the inventory and rest more! You shouldn't be here!" Allen hurried up to the breathless Finder who almost tripped and fell. The Finder grabbed onto his stretched hands and thanked the silver-haired boy profusely. Allen just smiled in reply as he helped him to the railings.
"What's wrong, John-san?"
"Allen-dono, I think...it's just okay to leave that matter aside."
Allen was astonished by his words. The Finder looked away, uncomfortable with his weird stares onto him.
"Why?"
"Kanda-dono...actually saves me at that time. Without him, I would really be dead by now."
The Finder started to explain.
"At that time while we were returning from our mission, a horde of akumas suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started attacking us. Taken by surprise, Kanda-dono told me to find cover while he attacked them. I was running towards a large rock which would shelter me for a short while, but never did I know that the akumas had already found me and followed me there. I was surrounded eventually, and I thought that my end had come."
"Then, Kanda-dono reappeared and shielded me from the attack. I was shocked, because one would surely die if he took the whole blow. I kept shouting to tell him to go and leave me here, but he just would not want to listen."
Allen's eyes widened, remembering that time when he and Kanda were quarrelling. If he was not wrong, he saw several bruises and bandages at Kanda's arms and legs. His movements seemed to be rather unstable too. The silver-haired teen bit his lip. Was he...wrong about Kanda?
"After that, he used all of his strength to summon a powerful attack from Mugen, and wiped out the whole group of akumas. The area of his attack was somehow wide, so that's why I have slight injuries from it. So, please do not blame Kanda-dono on this! It was me who brought the burden onto him! It was my fault as a Finder, who did not check on whether akumas were on our way here in the first place! Please do not blame him, Walker-dono!" The Finder bowed down sincerely, seeking for forgiveness. Allen just remained at his position, feeling his mind drifting out of place. He stumbled back and leaned against the railings, realising something.
He was no different from Kanda. He always thought that Kanda was a cold and heartless bastard who did not care about the lives of others willing to sacrifice for him. He was conceited and acted like an asshole, rejecting people's kind offers and refusing to share his space with others. Everything in Kanda just pissed him off greatly, made himself boiled with anger, and he wished that he should just disappear and be gone forever. He thought that Kanda did not have a heart to care for others, but he was wrong.
"Walker-dono..."
"Okay, I got it. You should go back and rest."
The Finder stood there, having a doubtful look in his eyes. Allen just sighed and gave him a smile, gesturing him to leave. Understanding what he meant, the Finder walked back to the infirmary. When he was gone, Allen's smile faltered, as his eyes closed.
"Even someone would plead for a person like Kanda..."
He laughed bitterly.
From that moment onwards, Kanda occupied his mind for the rest of the day. That face just would not leave him alone, even if he wanted to take a short nap to cure his throbbing headache. Allen groaned as he tossed and turned in bed, but it was no use.
"Oh god just leave me alone, Kanda! Why must you invade my mind at this moment?" He murmured breathlessly, ruffling up his sweaty silver strands with his left hand. Allen opened his tired eyes and stared outside the window. The silvery moon was shimmering brightly in the plain night sky, with no stars evident today. He then stared at the clock, which showed seven in the night.
Suddenly, his stomach growled. Allen grimaced. He had not eaten a single thing since he finished lunch in the early afternoon, and felt really hungry. He wanted to rush down to the cafeteria and indulged himself with all the delicious delicacies made by Jerry, the cook. But he knew that Kanda would always eat at this time. And he did not want to see Kanda at the particular moment.
Allen turned his body around as his back was facing the ceiling and his face facing the pillow. He buried himself into the fluffy material, feeling its smooth surface and smelling the light scent of jasmine. He stayed like this for a while, waiting for the time to pass by. His hands shuffled through the sheets. He thought of himself laying on a stretched-out grass patch, enjoying the beautiful scenery displayed solely for him. He wiggled his toes under the sheets, as he turned and stared at the clock again.
7.05. His stomach rumbled louder than before. Allen sat up and groaned miserably. He had to eat now, or he would really be starved to death.
"Allen-kun!" His eyes brightened. It was Lenalee! He was saved!
"Lenalee!" He opened the door, and found Lenalee and Lavi outside. Before he was about to ask her to help him to buy some food for him, he was being shoved outside and the next thing, his door was locked and the two teenagers were staring hardly at him.
"What...what are you doing?" Allen asked, shifting his gaze trailing downwards. He was forced to look at them again when Lavi lifted up his face by tilting his chin upwards.
"Allen-kun, are you really okay? You act strange just now," Lenalee asked, worried.
"You don't really need to mind Yuu-chan that much. Sometimes he really acts like a jerk, but he cannot express himself well," Lavi added, giving him a comfortable smile as he patted his shoulders.
"It's not that he's acting, but he is a total jerk." Allen muttered.
"What did you say, Allen?" Lavi somehow heard him. The silver-haired boy just laughed and shook his head.
"Well, let's go and eat, shall we? Think Yuu is there too," Lavi said, peering at the both of them for opinions. Lenalee did not seem to have any, while Allen had tons of opinions to voice out against this idea.
"Okay."
"I disagree!"
Both teenagers looked at him in bewilderment. Allen spluttered slightly and looked down again.
"Why not, Allen-kun?"
"Yeah, why not?"
He fidgeted. "Ah well...just...just that I'm not hungry yet - "
A loud growl broke the conversation among the three of them. Allen yelped in embarrassment, blaming inwardly to his stomach for not being able to control the desire for food, while Lavi just chuckled in an amusing tone as he put his arm around his shoulders and pulled his body to him, leaning side by side.
"But then, your stomach seems to be telling us a different story, Allen!"
Allen's face flushed redder.
"I think you should join us for dinner, Allen-kun. It would be great for everyone to gather together and chat again. It has been a long time since we can get together and catch up," Lenalee persuaded. Allen just mumbled something in his mouth, wondering whether he should go or not.
"Ah, I'm hungry! Let's just go and eat now!" Lavi spoke, as he grabbed Allen's wrist and pulled him along without warning the other, causing the poor silver-haired teen to stumble for a few steps.
"Lavi, I need to think - "
"Why do you still need to think, Allen? Isn't the answer simple?"
"What?" Allen did not get what the future Bookman actually meant. Lavi just sighed as he explained:
"It means, you are hungry, and have to quiet that noisy stomach of yours by filling it up with lots and lots of food, isn't it?"
"Well I - "
"So, let's go!" Lavi finished, pulled Allen along with him again. This time, Allen did not try to attempt to reason out with them. Sometimes he just had to accept the situation lay out in front of him. And maybe it would be a good idea to grab a bite to satisfy his stomach.
Oh, great. He had totally forgotten about Kanda. Allen then realised that they had arrived at the cafeteria. The three of them entered the crowded place as they looked around. Allen slowly slid behind the bookman junior's back, finding the right time to slip away and get out of here.
"Allen-kun, what are you doing?" Lenalee asked. Lavi turned, to find Allen stiffened on the spot. The silver-haired boy forced out a smile and stood in between them immediately, not wanting to be pulled into another draggy conversation about whether he was alright or whatever. He hated bring treated like a child who needed constant checking all the time. He was not one. Sometimes he thought that Lavi and Lenalee could be too overprotective over him.
"Ah, there's Yuu! Yuu-chan!!" Lavi shouted and waved. Allen's heart dropped a thousand metres down his stomach. He seriously regretted in coming here for dinner. The two friends then approached the raven one sitting at a corner eating his soba as usual. Not wanting to stand out in crowds and attracting unwanted attention, the silver-haired boy dragged his heavy body there and found himself awkwardly staring into the eyes of the samurai.
"Allen, aren't you going to buy your food? I thought you are starving just now?" Lavi asked, breaking the silence among them. Allen averted his gaze to the redhead and nodded his head, running to the stalls to join the queue. As he waited for his turn, his mind wandered back to that moment when his and Kanda's gazes locked. The hint of anger in his eyes was gone, but they seemed to be searching through him with such look, as though he was concerned about him...
Allen mentally slapped himself. What in the world was he thinking? Kanda would never, ever show concern towards him! Even if the whole world collapsed or the sun rose from the west, this impossible thing would never happen. The silver-haired boy moved forward as he stared at the food displayed at the front. He was supposed to drool like he always did before, but nothing happened.
The words that the Finder spoke roamed into his spiritual world again. Allen couldn't help but felt indignant about it. He just could not accept and imagine Kanda being nice to everyone except him.
"Allen!" He realised that he was being called and turned to look at Jerry, who was already waiting for his order. The silver-haired Exorcist apologised before ordering many large-serving of food for him. As he was waiting for his food, Allen turned and looked around the cafeteria, seeing many people eating and chatting among themselves. Lavi was being glared on by Kanda again, while Lenalee just giggled at this. The raven-haired Exorcist was not really irritated in the least.
He just could not understand Kanda at all. Not at all.
At this moment, Kanda suddenly turned and looked at him. Seeing that he was caught, Allen turned around quickly, his face turning red with embarrassment. He noticed that his trays of food was already ready as he took them and proceeded back to the table, his eyes gazing at the black edges of the table his friends were sitting at.
"Wow, what a spread of food, Allen!" Lavi said happily. Allen just smiled at him, sitting down beside the redhead. Lenalee was smiling too, but he could feel a rather disturbing gaze onto him. He took his burger and took a large bite, feeling his heart beating faster every second. He was sure someone was staring at him for quite a while, and he roughly knew who that person was, but he just ignored it and continued to eat his dinner quickly, hoping to get out of here fast.
"So, how's your injuries, Yuu?"
Allen flinched.
"Don't call me that, baka usagi," Kanda warned dangerously.
"But I'm really concerned about you! You took such a heavy blow for the Finder! You should have been dead by then!" Lavi exclaimed.
He failed to notice Allen who was listening to what they were saying. The silver-haired Exorcist chewed on his mitarashi dangos slowly in his mouth, listening attentively to their conversation.
Kanda gave him a hard glare. "I will not die by that attack."
"Okay, this conversation is getting us nowhere. So how's your injuries then?" Lavi asked worriedly. Kanda just stared at the white bandages at his arms and his legs and then stared at the redhead again.
"I'm alright."
It was the first time he ever heard Kanda answering a question properly, and to the point. Normally he would just either ignored it completely, or just shutted the person off for being a busybody. Allen turned his gaze back to the mitarashi dangos he was holding in his hand, dazed for a moment.
Please do not blame him, Walker-dono!
"Allen-kun, what's wrong?"
He realised that he had spaced out again, and attracted unwanted attention. Now all of them were staring at him.
"I'm okay! Really!"
"Are you sure? You are really quiet today, like your mind is constantly thinking. What are you thinking about, Allen-kun?" Lenalee asked.
Allen felt rather touched by her concerns, but was embarrassed to show his face as he looked down and rubbed his face hardly, chasing away the flush that was going to be displayed on him again. He felt rather foolish.
"Allen - "
"I'm really alright, so don't need to worry about me!" Allen said, louder than before. He gasped, realising that his friends were astonished by how he spoke. Even Kanda was raising his eyebrow, frowning at him. The silver-haired boy groaned inwardly to himself. Now his friends were going to be more worried for him.
"Thanks for the food." He cleaned his hands using the tissues and stood up. Seeing Lenalee's worried look, he placed his hands to her shoulders and gently squeezed it, telling her silently that he was alright. Receiving it, Lenalee smiled and gripped onto his hands, feeling the warm travelling from his body into hers.
"I shall go back and rest now. I'm tired."
"Goodnight, Allen!"
"Sweet dreams, Allen-kun!"
Kanda did not say anything. Allen did not mind, as he waved to them and started exiting out of the cafeteria. But as he pushed the doors and was about to step out of the area, he heard a very soft but clear voice speaking to him. He stopped by the doors, his eyes widened in shock.
Tch. Baka moyashi.
Tears filled his eyes. Kanda did notice him after all.
He lay on his bed, unable to sleep. His heart was thumping rather energetically than usual as the silver-haired boy sat up and stared ahead. It was pitch-dark. He did not switch on the lights, as he found it unnecessary to do so. Slowly, he slid his legs out of the sheets as he slipped his feet into his slippers and stood up, peering outside the window.
It was a full moon today.
Allen walked along his room, having an unknown anxiety within him. He tapped his fingers against his other hand, looked up and down and all over the place, and even tried to do some exercises to distract himself, but something seemed to be bothering him lately. He felt tired, yet he could not sleep. In the end, he sank onto a chair and closed his eyes for a short while, before opening them again. He looked at the clock.
It was eleven at night. Everywhere was very quiet, only the sounds of the night creatures evident. He decided to go out and have a stroll around the Order before he come back to sleep again. This would somehow calm down that flustered mind of his. That was what he was taught by Lenalee, but he wondered how Lenalee would get to know it.
He opened the door, and a cold gust of wind entered, sending shivers down his skin. Allen trembled slightly as he gripped onto his loose nightwear and walked out, locking the door behind him. He then trailed down the corridor, seeing no one bypassing him. It was not surprising, and he liked the silence filling the surroundings. He did not know where he was going, but he just let his legs lead him to whatever place he would go.
He walked for a long while, before he saw the first light shimmering faintly in a distance. Curious, the silver-haired boy walked towards that light and realised that it came from where the meditating room was. He frowned, wondering who would be there in such a late hour. Pressing his feet quietly but firmly onto the creaking ground, Allen closed in and opened the wooden doors a little, peeking inside. He almost fell when he saw that the person inside was none other than Kanda, sitting on the mat with his back facing him. He turned around, catching his breath.
"Why would Kanda be here at this moment?" He thought. He did not remember Kanda having such habits to meditate at such a late hour before. Normally he would meditate either early in the morning, or late in the evening, but not as late as midnight.
The candle light flickered weakly as it cast his shadow onto the wall, showing his sitting posture. The raven-haired samurai could hardly be seen even with the light. Allen turned back and peeked at him again, thinking of realistic reasons for Kanda to be here. The wooden doors rattled slightly due to the coming wind, and Allen released his hold on the doors quickly, not wanting to be caught by him again. He covered his mouth to prevent any sound from coming out, as he remained as still as possible, knowing that Kanda would be able to sense anyone from a distance.
Luckily, the raven-haired samurai did not seem to notice something's wrong as he continued to remain at his sitting position, engrossed in his meditation. Allen heaved a sigh of relief, and continued to watch him in the darkness. Judging from the position Kanda was in, he assumed that he had not moved, and wondered whether he was really meditating or had fallen asleep in this position. Somehow, this amused the silver-haired Exorcist as he bit his lip to prevent himself from laughing.
The small flame slowly died out, the whole surrounding pitch-black. He could no longer see Kanda clearly, but he knew that Kanda still did not flinch or move a single muscle from his position. Allen fidgeted a little, looking around sometimes, afraid that he would get spotted from anybody. He did not want people to identify him as a stalker, or worse, a pervert who had the thing for guys. Thinking of himself as a gay freaked him out. He was definitely straight, and had no sorts of disgusting thoughts polluting his mind.
"Well, I should get back to sleep. It's already late," He thought. Allen turned around and was about to leave when he stopped in his tracks. Turning back, he stared at the one sitting inside once more.
Should I go and tell Kanda to go back to his room and sleep?
It was a good idea, but how would the other reply? No doubt, he would start snapping at him and chase him out of his sight. Allen dismissed the thought immediately and decided to leave.
But it wouldn't be good letting him stay outside the cold night! His injuries have not healed yet!
Allen stopped again. He had a good point too. It wouldn't be good to Kanda if his injuries got infected again. He paced back to the front door and was about to open it when his hand stopped again.
But what should I say when he wakes up?
Allen peered through the small gap between the doors, thinking. He then put his hands on the doors and opened them sideways, revealing the insides of the meditating room. The sight of his raven strands fluttering in the stirred air caught his breath instantly. Allen stood there, captivated by that tall beautiful figure. He gasped for a moment, before he stepped onto the mat, hearing the creaking of the wooden floor supporting his weight as he went closer to him. Reaching his side, he stopped and lowered his body, trying to see how Kanda looked.
To his surprise, Kanda was indeed asleep. Allen slowly breathed out, feeling relieved. He blinked, his shimmering silvery eyes observed every features on his face. Kanda still had a frown on his forehead even when he was sleeping. His eyelashes seemed to be longer than before, but that was not what Allen was interested in. As his fingers started to trail down his face, it touched the soft flesh of his curved lips as the silver-haired teen's lip parted slightly. His skin felt the warm breath of the other exhaling, as his finger twitched uncomfortably. He slowly leaned closer to him, their faces less than ten centimetres. It was like the both of them were smelling the same air and occupying the same tiny space shared between them.
He sniffed the air deeply. Kanda...smelt good. Allen closed his eyes, and wished that they could stay on like this forever.
His hand hesitantly touched his upper chest lightly. The raven-haired teen responded by stirring slightly, his breathing a little heavier. Allen redrew his hand immediately and checked whether he was awake. The older teen just snorted softly, seemed to be muttering something under his breath, before he was asleep again. Allen sighed, wondering whether it was a good thing. A thought came to his mind, and he wished that Kanda would at least notice his presence.
"Kanda, I..." He looked at his lips. Closing in, the silver-haired Exorcist cupped the sides of his face gently between his thumb and his middle finger, pulling his face nearer to him. He did not know what made him react like this, but at this moment, he couldn't take his eyes off him anymore.
"...think I..." He felt a very warm brush on his lips lightly. It escalated the thumping rate of his heartbeat immediately, as he felt his breathing heavier than usual. The silver-haired boy did not know that kissing a person could be that...enjoyable. He just couldn't explain how it felt like. It just felt...good. Very good, till it became an addiction. He wanted to explore further inside Kanda's mouth, tasting every corner of it. He wondered how Kanda would taste like, and imagining his moan between their moving mouths sent several shivers down his body and to his legs.
Maybe he had lost his sanity due to a temporary moment of desire struck onto him, but when he placed his lips onto his, he started to regret it immediately. Like a spell that suddenly broke, Allen snapped out of reality and realised what he had done. His lips trembled, but could not shake off the warmth that was bought by the raven samurai in front of him. He stood up abruptly and like a confused child, ran out of the meditation room without even bothering to keep his noise low. He ran, and continued running. He was breathless and exhausted, but he did not stop, until he tripped onto something and fell onto the ground hardly.
Kanda.
Allen grimaced at this name. He thought that only his cold statements hurt him, but he did not expect a mere name to make his heart wrench painfully.
Kanda.
He was just a bastard! He did not have any special relationship which bound the two of them together. He and Kanda were two different people; two loggerheads that could not be put together. Their characters and personalities were completely different. They were not possible. Not possible.
Kanda.
Tears filled his eyes. He made a terrible mistake.
He had stepped over the line.
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