ACT I : The Compulsive Prequel
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It was a beautiful morning in no need of further description. People all around were busy attending to various matters, none of which shall be discussed here. None, except for one.
"AND GET ME TAVINGTON ON THE PHONE, ASAP!" British Major General Lord Charles Cornwallis yelled in an unreasonably loud voice.
"But milady," the young British soldier named Asap replied nervously. "The Colonial Militia took all our Royal British Phones hostage. And the mobiles. And the computers. And an elderly carrier pigeon called Roy!"
"Why, that's horrible!" Cornwallis gasped and sank into his chair. "What am I supposed to do?"
"Don't fear, milady!" Tavington announced as he stepped out of Cornwallis's wardrobe, covered in dog collars and parchment. "I have fully anticipated the problem before it even arose and took precautions by hiding in your wardrobe, trying to forge marriage certificates between Benjamin Martin and your boarhounds."
"Were you successful then?" Cornwallis inquired.
"No," Tavington said, lowering his head in shame. "I ran out of ink. BUT," he smiled. "I found an old box filled with dog collars and I wondered if I may be allowed to keep this one?" He held up a particularly fringy, green collar. "It says Fluffy."
"Very well," Miss Lord Cornwallis M.D. said and stood up. "Perhaps you will be able to put it to good use on your next mission."
"Mission, mother?" Tavington asked.
"Yes, mission. A special assignment given to a person or group. A mission." Cornwallis paused, allowing Tavington to attempt a comment which he then immediately and most skilfully interrupted.
"Prior to the kidnapping of my precious computers I have purchased a woman on Ebay. She is a French prostitute with a tragic past, a skilled swordswoman, the Queen of Bora Bora, daughter of an elf and a pixie stick and my illegitimate child twice removed. She is known for wearing very nice and very expensive hats which may prove crucial for our victory over whoever is on schedule to be fought next. She will arrive today in a quaint little town by the see called New Harvordhampshiredon. I want her to be brought here instantly and seeing as you are known to be a most sympathetic people person with highly refined social skills I will assign this task to you. Now, if you could perhaps stop assaulting young Asap with my precious silverware and depart at once?"
Tavington dropped the bloody spoon and looked aghast. "But doctor," he protested. "I am a man of the field! A soldier! A warrior! A ninja! I fight! I conquer! I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers! I put on wo-"
"Enough of that nonsense!" Cornwallis barked and slammed his hands firmly on the table, squashing his English morning muffin in the process. "You will escort Princess Queen Victoria Galadrowyn Serenity Nightfire and you will bring her to me, completely unharmed and in a disgustingly chipper mood! Or else…" He deliberately flattened the muffin further with a particularly predatory look in his eyes. "Are we understood?"
Tavington stared at him with gritted teeth, cursing each and every inch of the chain of command in his mind. Then with great effort he spoke up.
"OMGURSOMEAN!!1!11!!" he affirmed and stomped out of the room.
To be continued…-
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