disclaimer: All characters belong to their respective owners.
Warning: Very mature content.
Once upon a time there was a stupid little girl. This stupid little girl was very pretty and everyone loved her, so of course she hated her life and wanted to emo in the corner and slash her own wrists. This stupid little girl's name was Bella, because really that's what you name your kid when you just know they're going to turn into an emotional wreck. Because her family was done putting up with her emotional drama they sent her to a small town in the middle of the woods where the sun never shined so she had an excuse for being so god damn moody.
Of course everyone in no sunshine ville loved Bella, they were so bored that anything new was fascinating, especially when the new thing had a tan. Bella hated that she was popular, that everyone liked her, that she wasn't ignored and thus had an excuse to be an emo. One day a hot guy sat next to her in class. She was in love! He had pretty hair! She must spend the rest of eternity with him! Too bad she didn't even know his name.
Hot guy ignored Bella all the time, avoiding her like the plague of emotional turmoil and false drama that she was. Then one day Bella almost got hit by a car. Hot guy jumped in front of it and stopped her from dying. "O..M..G!" she shrieked, "You're a vampire!"
"...what the fuck how did you figure that out already?! You're the dumb bint character!" Hot guy exclaimed.
"Tell me your name and I'll tell you how!"
"Fine it's Edward."
"Well Edward, I stole your school records," Bella said happily.
"You stole my school records and you couldn't figure out my name?" Edward asked.
"....DON'T JUDGE ME!" Bella yelled before dissolving into tears.
"Whatever," Edward mumbled.
Bella began to stalk Edward from that day on. It got so bad that for some reason the roles got reversed and Edward started watching Bella in her sleep like the freaking creeper he was born to be. After about a week of mutual stalking Edward was outside when the worst thing possible happened. THE SUN CAME OUT! Bella was certain he would burst into flames, but instead it turned out he started sparkling like he was covered in glitter like a drag queen. Bella was in love! Running up to Edward to confess her undying love the clouds covered the sky once again. Before Bella could reach her glittering vampire a man in a black cape with giant fangs showed up.
"Who are you?" Edward asked in his usual awkward way.
"I am Count Dracula the fourth and I am here on behalf of the Vampire Image Counsil," the man in the cape said, "You have been found guilty of being the stupidest vampire ever and bringing down the general image of vampires the world over. As punishment for your poor image you will now die."
Count Dracula the fourth pulled out a pistol and shot Edward in the head, killing him instantly. For good measure he shot Bella as well. And there was blood everywhere, JUST LIKE A REAL FREAKING VAMPIRE STORY SHOULD HAVE!
THE END!
Let me say that Twilight is a travesty against literature with poor characterization, horrifically unrealistic responses, disgusting examples of what a relationship should be, and just plain bad writing. Okay, now that I have that out of the way here's the deal, a friend of mine is a Twilight fangirl and has begged me to write her a fanfic about it. She really should have known better.