Natasha studies her mark through narrowed eyes, her mouth twisted inquisitively to the side and arms crossed over her chest. She exhales through her nose.
Her mark simply glances at her, blond eyebrows raised and expression neutral. "Something on your mind?"
"I don't get it," she replies honestly, shaking her head and relaxing her stance. He scratches his head, his fingers just barely grazing against the bandage covering a part of his hairline. Natasha feels herself relax further at the sight, dropping her shoulders and studying his face. There are more bandages, covering parts of his cheek, his chin, and his nose. He's so reckless, throwing himself into missions and showing his heart to Natasha. She groans. "I don't get you."
"Are you still freaking out about what I said yesterday?"
"I think anyone would freak out if someone suddenly told them...that."
He brushes her worries off. "To be fair, the mission was looking pretty south, and it felt like a 'now or never' moment, you know?"
"Clint," Natasha huffs in exasperation, eyebrows lowering and cheeks reddening slightly (she can feel the heat pressing against her skin, begging to escape and reveal her true feelings to him, but she resists it as much as she can).
Clint leans against the wall of his S.H.I.E.L.D.-issued bedroom, which Natasha had basically invaded earlier (a comfortable routine for them, as they spend far more time in each other's rooms than their own), resting his upper back against the surface with an easy smile. "Honestly, looking back on it now, I don't think it needed to be said in words. I think it's been obvious for a while."
Natasha shakes her head once more. "I still don't get it."
"Because love is for children, right?" Clint says, echoing one of Natasha's trademark lines in terms of emotions. She frowns. "So I decided to be a little childish. And truthful, for that matter."
"This isn't right," Natasha insists, turning away from Clint and staring at his unmade bed. She holds her hands together in front of her torso, gently wringing them. They tremble with the uneasiness of this whole thing. "I don't understand. How can you know that...love is what you're feeling?"
It sounds like a load of bullshit to her. After all, that's all she had ever been taught of love growing up - love means distractions, compromising, and weakness. These are things she could never afford to house within herself, and still can't. The risk is just too great.
"Well," Clint straightens his posture, stepping away from the wall and standing by Natasha's side, "what do you feel?"
"I…" Natasha bites her lip for a moment, trying to work through her thoughts. What exactly does she feel? To be quite honest...she doesn't really know. She can at least figure out she likes Clint, but...
Clint had said, I love you, pretty clearly the day before. He loves a lot of things, now that Natasha thinks about it. Clint loves pizza, and dogs, and archery...but he also loves Natasha. How does that work out?
She focuses on her own body for a moment. Her muscles are relaxed, her heart beats with a different...flutter. Around Clint, she feels safe, warm, and whole. There are favorite things of Natasha that make her feel this way, too - when Clint says he loves dogs, Natasha would say she loves cats, because they make her happy the same way dogs make Clint happy.
And, Natasha thinks, Clint makes her happy, too. Is that what he had meant yesterday?
"I like you," she decides aloud, turning her eyes up to Clint. "I've never really felt this before, but...it's like how you love Lucky and I love Liho. I love you like that."
His eyes brighten at the mention of his beloved golden retriever, who Natasha knows is being cared for by Clint's close friend, Kate Bishop, right now. (As is her cat, Liho.) Clint grins a bit, too, a twinkle of amusement in his expression. "You love me like how you and I love our pets?"
Natasha realizes the error of her ways. She quickly shakes her head. "No, I didn't mean that! I mean…"
Clint laughs softly at her stumbling, and Natasha feels the sudden urge to laugh, too. His joy spills over to touch her every time he smiles or laughs. She gasps happily at this realization and points at his face. "Like that! I love you like when you're happy, I'm happy," she says. "It's similar to how we love Lucky and Liho, but different, because we're both human."
"We're on the same level, mentally and physically," Clint adds, then purses his lips, holding a bandaged hand at his forehead and moving it to hover above Natasha's head, measuring their height difference. "Well...not quite physically."
Natasha swats his hand away (more gently than usual, considering he has a particularly nasty gash there), staring up at him angrily. "I'm not done yet!"
He relents, withdrawing his hand. "Okay, okay, continue."
She takes a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly. "But I also love you more than I like our friends, like Coulson and Hill. They mean a lot to me, but you mean something different to me...right?"
"They're your feelings, not mine," Clint reminds her. "It's whatever you feel like."
"I feel like...I love you more than you love Lucky, because Lucky is a dog. You can't marry a dog. You also wouldn't marry someone who's just your friend, like Coulson or Hill," Natasha thinks aloud, looking to Clint for confirmation. He simply blinks, patiently waiting for her to finish. "It's like having a favorite thing, like ice cream, but it's a person. I want to eat ice cream every day for the rest of my life...but I also want to be with Clint every day for the rest of my life."
(Ice cream had been her personally favorite thing for Clint to introduce to her when she first defected. She'd known what it was her entire life, but never was able to consume it; Clint was the first person to give her the chance. She's grateful for him for that, but tries not to express it too much, as she doesn't need to boost his ego more.)
"So…" Clint says when Natasha stops speaking. He's smiling more widely now, his toothy grin beaming with glee. "I love you, and you…?"
"I love you back," Natasha says, casting her gaze upward for a thoughtful moment. "But I love you like...like the 'I think I want to marry you' type of 'I love you.'"
She brings her eyes back down to meet Clint's then, taken aback by his suddenly surprised expression. He hangs his mouth open at her, his previous smile gone; his eyes are wide and his lips quiver to form some sort of reply. Natasha blinks.
"Oh...did I say it wrong?" She averts her gaze in disappointment, looking down at her shoes. No wonder the Red Room shut down her feelings; they're just so complicated, and would, no doubt, complicate things in the future. But, this is Clint, and Natasha feels strongly enough (whatever she's feeling) to take the risk, because it's for him. "I just really don't understand this…"
But Clint's uninjured hand brings her attention back to him, his right hand perched on her shoulder. She looks up at him, surprised to find tears in his eyes.
"Nat." Clint laughs a little, using his bandaged hand to wipe a tear from the corner of his left eye. "You got it. That's the kind of love I feel for you, too."
"So...I love you," Natasha says with more certainty. "I love you more than I love Liho or Coulson or rain. I love you like I always want to be with you, forever."
"Yeah." Clint nods, his voice thick with sudden emotion. His hand travels from his shoulder to her face, his palm resting against her cheek. She leans into the touch with a small smile, her expression relaxing.
"I love rainy days, but I love them more when you're there, too. And I love when I successfully complete a mission, but it's better when you complete it with me," Natasha continues. Rambling is hardly ever her thing; however, her feelings for Clint radiate so strongly within her, and she feels as if she will burst at the seams, the threads holding her physical self together threatening to snap with the strength of her emotions. She wants to be with Clint forever - she understands it a little better now. "I was right. It is the 'I want to marry you' kind of love, because that means we'd be together forever."
Clint chuckles. "Now that just sounds like a proposal."
"What?" Natasha looks dumbfounded. She doesn't intend to jump that far in their relationship yet! Loving someone so deeply like this is already pretty strange, but marrying them is a whole new level of discomfort that the Red Room had instilled in her brain. "I wasn't trying to propose, that's too much, too quickly. I was just trying to say-"
"Calm down, Tasha," Clint interrupts her quietly, lowering his hand from her face to properly pull her into a hug. He wraps his arms around her torso, holding her against his chest. She smiles at the contact, closing her eyes because of how peaceful it feels. "Marriage and all that comes later, much later. For now, this is good."
"It's good?" Natasha questions, reveling in the feeling of Clint's chest trapped between her arms. Would this really be okay? She's not exactly known for her...loving nature (if anything, she's known for the opposite). "I'm good?"
"You're amazing," Clint reassures her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "I love you like the 'I think I want to marry you' type of 'I love you', too. Never doubt or forget that, okay?"
Natasha opens her eyes and tilts her head up, making eye contact with Clint. He still looks a little misty-eyed, and Natasha finds herself swallowing against a forming lump in her throat. She blinks quickly, trying to contain the sudden urge within her to cry because nobody had ever told her they loved her like that before. Nobody had ever wanted to spend the rest of their life with or marry her someday or anything.
She smiles through it, and Clint returns the favor. Resting her cheek against his chest, she nods.
"Okay."
A/N: Just a quick little fluffy oneshot for our spy babies. I must give credit to where credit is due - I borrowed the phrase, I love you like the "I want to marry you" kind of "I love you" from the anime Anohana. I know Nat's usually pretty serious and straightforward, but I wanted to explore a part of her that is probably more undeveloped due to her upbringing in the cold Red Room: her emotional side. Someone taught her all that love is for children business, so she'll eventually have to learn from first-hand experience that love doesn't have to be like that. (Although, Natasha does explain her feelings pretty childishly.)
Thanks for reading! Let me know what you all think. :)