So this was just a random idea I had. It is rated T for assumed cannibalism. Notice that I said assumed. There is no actual cannibalism.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter…It is not mine…
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His head hurt. And that was an understatement. Heat consumed his body until he was so hot that he threw the heavy purple blanket to the floor.
'Wait a minute! Since when has my blanket been purple?!' He thought to himself. Slowly he sat up, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head to look around the room. Everywhere he looked he saw purple. Then it hit him, this wasn't his room! So, where was he?
A picture frame on the bedside table caught his eye. It was him and a familiar blonde. "Luna!" He breathed, now having a good idea about who was behind this.
As if called, Luna walked through the door clad in a revealing one shouldered shirt and a jagged edged skirt, both in canary yellow. "Good morning, My Lord! Shall I have the staff fetch your breakfast?" Her eyes were cloudy with dreams and her smile was crooked upon her lips. There went his first theory. He wasn't drugged and that wasn't a death eater. Only Luna could have that dreamy air about her.
"Good morning Luna. Umm… Why are you calling me your lord? And where am I?" Harry scratched his head trying to make the headache go away.
"Don't you remember, My Lord? We're in Potter Manor. You founded your own faction to rise and defeat the dark lord and you triumphed! Of course, we will never forget the sacrifice dear Marty made." Tears welled up in her eyes and Harry couldn't help but feel sorry for Luna's loss.
"In his memory, why don't you tell me the story? I love hearing you tell it." Maybe if he could get her to talk he would figure out what was going on and how he had got here. Last he knew, Voldemort was still on the rampage. Harry didn't defeat Voldemort. At least, he didn't think he did.
"Well, it all started after you became an animagus. Your form is so graceful and majestic, truly something of beauty. You had the idea to build an army but the light side under the command of Dumbledore thought you were being foolish. They shunned your idea and when you proceeded to go through with it, they changed sides. Something about if that was your best idea to defeat the dark lord then maybe they would have a better chance of survival under the command of Voldemort. Of course after we won they were all apologetic for ever having doubted us." Luna smiled evilly.
"How did we win?" He leaned forward in curiosity. If he ever got back to where he came from, this story could be an asset to the light side.
"We gathered an army or massive proportions. Troops from across the globe came to our aide. They really love you Harry Potter. So late one night we were brain storming and Marty had an idea. He was old and after an injury he received as a youngling he could only train the others and teach them battle formations. He wanted to go out knowing that he did something good for our side. So he volunteered to be sacrificed. We beheaded stripped and cooked him before sending the meat to Voldemort." This part made her wince, it always did.
"Wait! We killed someone and cooked him? We're cannibals!" Harry's face turned green, suddenly he wasn't feeling so well.
"Yes, you had that reaction before during and after. So anyway we sent him to Voldemort with a note saying:
'Enjoy this boneless treat My Lord!
Your most loving, loyal, and faithful servant,
Bellatrix
P.S.- It tastes better if swallowed whole.'
Not thinking that Bellatrix would betray him he ate the meat and choked on the bone. Voila! That's how we won the war with only one casualty and no injuries on our side. Of course the other side suffered severely injured ankles and that is how the Aurors were able to Identify them and put them in Azkaban." She chuckled at the memory.
"But we killed a man! We killed another human to win!" Harry yelled his face still an awkward shade of green that clashed with his flashing eyes.
"Harry! Get a hold of yourself! Sometimes you take things too far! Marty was a chicken!" Her hand met his face slapping him back into reality.
"Marty was a chicken? But how did we communicate with him?" Now he was really confused.
"Because we both speak Chickenese! Are you feeling well?" She came just close enough to feel his forehead with the back of her hand. A thoughtful look crossed her face before she pulled away. "You are hot."
"Really? Do you think I'm sick?" If he was sick, that would explain everything! He was hallucinating!
"No. You're hot as in sexually appealing." This comment caused Harry to blush a red previously unknown to man.
"So how do we know how to speak Chickenese?" Maybe this would stop her from looking at him like a starved man looks at a big juicy steak.
"Well, duh! You're a chicken!" Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"I am not!" Harry yelled standing up so they were chest to chest.
"Yes you are! You've been one for years! Really Harry! There is absolutely no need to feel ashamed because your animagus form is a chicken!" She took a step closer so there was little to no space between them.
"I'm a chicken? My animagus form is a chicken?" He fell back down onto the bed with his head in his hands as he pondered over this new information.
Seeing his distress, Luna sat beside him and rubbed his back in a soothing manner. "If it makes you feel better, technically you're a rooster. And a very handsome rooster at that!" She cooed.
"What do I look like?" His emerald eyes looked up at her in hope. Maybe he was a cool rooster!
"Well, your feathers and comb are black as your hair and just as messy. Your beak and feet are a yellowish orange and your eyes are emerald. What you've always told me that you liked most about your form is the fact that your scar is hidden beneath your feathers. That among the chickens, you're just one of the crowd." As she spoke her hand moved from his back to comb through his hair, something Harry didn't find himself disliking.
"I can't believe we had an army that followed a leader who is a chicken animagus!" He laughed feeling more comfortable by the second. Maybe this place wasn't so bad after all.
"Oh, they were chickens too!" She provided.
"Really? How many people in the world have a chicken as their animagus form?" He asked.
"Just you, so far as I know. They were real chickens." At this Harry's face faulted. No wonder everyone but Luna had abandoned him. He had won the war with an army of chickens…real chickens…
"Now come on lazy bones! After wasting all this time, you won't be able to have breakfast before addressing the troops. You'd better get dressed." Walking over to the dresser, Luna picked up a chicken sized admiral's hat and jacket.
"Huh?" Was all he could manage.
"Harry, your acting really strange! Is something bothering you?" Worry replaced the dreamy look in her eyes.
"Yes. Luna, I need to tell you -" He had planned on telling her the truth but she cut him off before he could finish.
"Oh Merlin! You knocked up one of the hens, didn't you? I knew you had been spending too much time In the chicken coops!" Her voice echoed in his ears as she angrily paced back and forth across the room.
"Luna! No-ew! Hell no! I did not knock up a chicken! That is just gross!" Harry's face returned to its previous shade of green, his hands grabbing onto her shoulders to stop her.
"Oh thank Merlin! I swear Harry James, if you knock up anything or anyone other than me, you will be severely harmed." Her finger poked his shoulder, punctuating each word.
"Luna, I can't remember anything about the past. The last thing I do remember is falling asleep at the Burrow."
"Where are my glasses?!" Luna yelled breaking away from his hold.
"Luna! You wear glasses?" He asked, momentarily baffled but quickly shook off the curiosity. "Never mind! I'm trying to tell you that I don't know how I got here!" Still she scurried around the room scattering things everywhere in search of her glasses.
"Ah-Ha!" She came out of the closet with a pair of blue tinted sunglasses.
"Luna, there is something on your-" He tried to point out the smudge on the left lens but she quickly hushed him.
"Stay very still! There is a demensor on your head!" She grabbed something form behind and began to advance on him.
"A demensor? What's a demensor?" Harry frantically pat his head trying to feel what Luna was seeing.
"A demensor is a close cousin to the Dementor. You can't see them unless you wear these glasses. They're like a black hole. I think the one on your head is sucking out your memories." Her steps were slow and calculated and Harry was still nervous about whatever was behind her back.
"And just how do you get rid of a demensor?" He gulped. Luna was now about a foot away from him but that was close enough, in Harry's opinion.
"Like this." Her sweet innocent smile disarmed him and for a moment he let his guard down. "Blunt Force Trauma!" Before he could even register the words Luna swung the baseball bat that had been behind her back around to hit Harry on the top of his head. Try as he might, Harry couldn't fight off the oncoming wave of darkness. Just before he was completely consumed, he heard Luna.
"Oh dear! That wasn't a demensor! That was soot on my glasses." And with the sound of her giggles ringing in his ears, he passed out.
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His head felt like a million cinderblocks were being stuffed into it. Cracking his eyes, Harry was relieved to see the familiar orange of Ron's Chudley Cannon themed room. There was no sign of purple what so ever. "It was all a dream." He murmured, his hand feeling his head for any bumps that may have crossed over with him. There were none.
The door to the room opened revealing a very familiar blonde. "Good morning My Lord!" Luna greeted in a way only she would ever pull off.
"Oh my God, I'm a chicken!" Harry screamed. Jumping out of his bed, he ran downstairs and out of the Burrow. Luna followed him as far as the kitchen. Harry was a big boy, he could run around screaming bloody murder all he wanted. Perhaps she would join him later.
"What's wrong with him?" The twins asked in unison as she sat down in front of her plate.
"Apparently, he thinks he's a chicken."
From that morning on, everyone noticed a change in Harry Potter. Eating any form of real chicken in front of him was blasphemy and synthetic chicken was a big no-no. He successfully completed his animagus transformation but would never tell anyone his form. He shined all of Luna's glasses regularly and made it a point to wear all the creature repelling items she gave him (a pink sock, a green hat, a blue sock, a purple scarf, and a butterbeer cap necklace). But most of all it was hard to miss the flock of chickens he kept outback of Potter Manor.
Dumbledore may have his Order of the Phoenix.
Voldemort may have his Death Eaters.
But he was Harry Potter, Lord of the Grounded Poultry.