Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters except for Tessie and Casprine/Kirkley. Also, Forren Island is NOT a real place. I made it up.
Summary: Jerry dates the famous Broadway star that dumped George. Kramer and his girlfriend take advantage of a new restaurant's dining policy. Crazy Joe Davola has broken out of prison and wants to kill Jerry and Elaine.
Author's Note: Once again, I don't know why I'm posting this story on here. It's a horrible story. But it's the story that comes after "The Bleach Pen" and before "The Schizophrenic," so I feel the need to finish out the miniseries. Anyway, this story isn't exactly a comedy; it's more of a drama/fantasy. If that's not the kind of thing you want to read, feel free to leave this story...you've been warned. But if you're curious, by all means, stay!
The Appendicitis Medication
A Seinfeld Story
Jerry Seinfeld set his empty bowl of cereal aside and reached for his glass of orange juice. Holding the juice glass is one hand, and a couple of pills in the other, he swallowed the medicine quickly.
Jerry was still on medication from his appendectomy two weeks ago, but he was starting to pull his life back together. Last night had been his first show in two and a half weeks, and it had gone pretty well. Overall, his life was just about where it was before the appendicitis had struck. His parents still called every day to make sure he was feeling okay, and he still had some episodes of fatigue throughout the day, but he was getting healthier and healthier as time went on. However, he hadn't seen Kramer for a week and a half.
That was soon to change. While downing his glass of orange juice, Jerry heard a huge THUMP from across the hall. Someone had set some heavy pieces of luggage on the floor.
Next thing Jerry knew, his door was flying open and Cosmo Kramer was invading his space once again.
"Hey, Jerry! Great to finally see you, buddy!" Kramer exclaimed, going over to him. "How are you doing? Are you feeling alright? Boy, wait until I tell you about Forren Island! It's amazing! I was scheduled to come home a couple of days ago, but I decided to stay; I was just having so much fun!" Forren Island was the island in the middle of the north Atlantic that Kramer's girlfriend, Tessie Guaverra, had grown up on. Apparently, the island was American-owned, but Jerry had never heard of it, probably because it was so small. "The beach was amazing, Jerry! Look at how tanned I am!"
"Wow, it looks like you had fun," Jerry said, taking his borrowed suitcase back from Kramer, who, in Jerry's opinion, didn't look any more tanned than normal. "I saw you on TV. I'm so sorry your girlfriend…what's her name…didn't win her Oscar."
"Her name is Tessie, Jerry, and she wasn't expecting to win anyway."
"How'd you meet her?"
"Yankees game," Kramer shrugged, opening the refrigerator and taking out a nectarine. He chomped into it. "George gave me a ticket for the owner's box, and she was sitting in the next row over. She just loves baseball, Jerry. They're all over baseball on the island."
"So you really tore into Forren Island, huh?"
"Like a monkey into a cupcake," Kramer nodded happily. "Have you ever been there, Jerry?"
"No."
"Well, you ought to go!"
"I'll go sometime," said Jerry, sighing tiredly.
Kramer cocked his head to the side and looked at his friend. "Boy, you just got up, and you seem pretty tired."
"Yeah, it's this medication! My surgery was two weeks ago, Kramer, and the doctors still want me on all this medication!" He gestured to the mess of orange pill bottles on the counter, and started pointing out specific ones. "See that one there? That makes me really tired. I take one of those pills, and twenty minutes later, I'm completely knocked out. And see those there? I can't take them with alcohol, or else I get violently sick all over everything."
"You poor thing!"
"Yeah, yeah. And here are some vitamin pills they want me on."
"You know, that's a good idea," Kramer said, thinking aloud. "Maybe I should start taking vitamin pills, too. I don't want to get appendicitis."
"No, you don't," Jerry agreed. "Believe me, you don't ever want--"
Jerry was interrupted when the buzzer buzzed. He went over and pressed the button. "Yeah?"
"It's George," came George Costanza's voice.
"Come on up." Jerry buzzed him in, and within minutes, George Costanza burst through the door of Jerry's apartment.
"Well, it's over, Jerry. It's all over. She's not returning my calls anymore," George said bitterly.
"Who's not returning your calls?"
"Kirkley."
"Kirkley!" Kramer yelled. "George, speaking of Kirkley, how come you never even told me about her? Come on, aren't we friends?"
"Who's Kirkley?" asked Jerry, confused. Kirkley and George's entire relationship had taken place while he was sick with appendicitis.
"Kirkley King. She's from Boston. I met her in the coffee shop sometime when you were sick," George explained hotly.
"Wait…why does that name sound so familiar?" Jerry asked.
George sighed heatedly. "You know…Kirkley King…Casprine Sterling, Jerry?"
"Casprine Sterling!" Jerry yelped. "The Broadway star?!?? You saw Casprine Sterling in OUR coffee shop? The one just down the street?"
"Yeah. It was a couple of weeks ago. We had one date, decided to be friends, and now she's not returning my calls!"
"Oh, George, Casprine Sterling is one of my mother's favorite actresses!" Jerry exclaimed.
"Yeah, Tessie and I saw her at the Oscars," Kramer said dismissively. "Boy, she's awfully snooty. She thinks she's too good for everyone else!"
"No she's not, Kramer. She's just very modest," George explained. "It's her trademark. She can't accept a compliment from anyone."
"Oh, really?" Jerry asked, interested.
That night, Kramer and Tessie were having dinner at Saggy Joe Benny's, a new restaurant in downtown Manhattan.
"My steak is too rare," Kramer complained.
Tessie shrugged. "Tell the waiter. He'll take it back."
"Okay." Kramer caught the attention of a nearby waiter. "Excuse me, my steak is too rare, and I ordered it medium well."
"Oh, well, if you're unsatisfied with your meal, we'll take it back without charging you for it, and we'll give you another meal for free," the waiter explained, clearing Kramer's plate. "That's our policy."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, sir. You won't have to pay for anything."
Kramer grinned. "All right then, get me a bowl of fettucine alfredo." As the waiter left, he turned to Tessie. "When he comes back, complain about your meal. We'll both be eating for free!"
"No! What's the point? My steak is fine!"
"Oh, come on, you have to."
"No, Kramer."
"And so the waiter gave me a free meal!" Kramer finished. It was the next day, and he and George were in the coffee shop.
"So, you just complained that you didn't like how your steak was done, and they gave you another meal for free?" George asked, impressed.
"Yep!"
"I've gotta try this place!" exclaimed George excitedly.
Suddenly, the door to the coffee shop opened, and Elaine Benes walked in. Looking nervous, she chewed on the end of her finger as she sat down to Kramer and George's booth.
"Elaine, what's the matter? You look a little shaken!" Kramer said. "Are you okay?"
Elaine shook her head. "No. He's back!"
"Who's back?"
"Crazy Joe Davola."
"Crazy Joe Davola!" George shrieked. "Did he break out of prison?"
"No, they let him out."
"They let him out? How could they let that nutcase out of prison!?!?"
"I don't know, they just did," Elaine gulped. "I read it in the newspaper yesterday. I almost threw up." She gulped again. "Now I'm in danger, Jerry's in danger…I just don't know what to do!!"
"There, there, Elaine." Kramer reached over to hug her. He patted her on the back. "Maybe you should go see your shrink."
"I am. I have an appointment in a few minutes. I've been spending a lot of time at my shrink." Elaine tried to straighten herself out. "I just came by to ask you not to tell Jerry about it, okay? I don't want to worry him. He has enough on his mind already, with his appendicitis and catching up on work and all."
"Yeah, poor Jerry," Kramer whistled. "Yesterday, he showed me all the medicine he's on. He has his own little pharmacy in his kitchen!"
"Yeah. Well, I'll see you two later, okay?" Elaine offered.
"See you, Elaine. Take care," George said.
"Keep calm," Kramer added.
No sooner had Elaine left than Jerry walked in.
"Jerry, where have you been?" Kramer demanded.
"I was downtown seeing The English Patient on Broadway," Jerry answered, smiling. (Author's Note: The English Patient has never been on Broadway. Just my idea of a Seinfeld joke.)
"The English Patient…oh, no. Kirkley's in that," George cried. "You're still obsessing over Kirkley, aren't you? I've told you a hundred times, Jerry. No, I'm not giving you her number!"
"Why not?"
"Because…because I don't think that someone like her would really care for someone like you," George finished, sighing.
"What's wrong with me?" Jerry pouted. "Why wouldn't she like me?"
"Because you're a comedian."
"So?"
"So? Jerry, she doesn't like to laugh. In her opinion, there are too many bad things in this world. She can't waste time laughing!"
"I bet I can make her laugh," Jerry said, confident.
"And also, she's very emotional, Jerry. In fact, she's overemotional. You hate emotional girls!"
"Remember Bette Midler's understudy?" Kramer added.
"Oh, come on!" Jerry rolled his eyes. "I can open up my emotions too, you know! I have feelings!"
"And, she lives by very strict moral standards, Jerry. No sex until she's married!"
Jerry froze. "Well," he began slowly. "If she can wait, I'll wait too. I've never pushed anyone into sex. I did date a virgin once, you know! And I won second place in the Contest!"
"Fine! You think you can do it? You think you can date her? Go ahead, call her!" George yelled angrily, reaching into his coat pocket for the piece of paper that held Kirkley King's cell phone number. He slammed it down on the table. Without looking back, he stormed angrily out of the coffee shop.
Author's Note: To be continued in additional segments! (I wanted to try something new instead of posting the entire story all at once. It lessens the burden on the readers.)