Edit, May 2011: I got an angry, anonymous review about the anti-slash warning in the summary, which has since been edited. I would like to point out that this story was published a whopping seven years ago now (good God I feel old), during which time I hope I can be said to have matured, though I haven't gone through my old stories and edited objectionable content. One gets busy with that whole college and grad school thing (I wrote this in high school - again, I feel old now). In a way, it's good that the anonymous reviewer reminded me that I should do a bit of editing here and there, as the word "retarded" no longer has a place in my lexicon as an insult, and as I honestly don't have a problem with most slash. I do still have a problem with Invader Zim slash, though, as I feel that any romantic plot in a Zim story is in direct violation of the tone of the television show, so I've made sure to specify that it is Zim/Dib slash I object to, and that it is "stupid" rather than "retarded."
I would like to point out, though, that reading only the summary of a story and then leaving two whiny, anonymous comments so that I can't even reach you with an update to the situation is a pretty buttheaded thing to do.
The original authors' note follows:
Okay, so you're here about some fish story, right? WRONG! We will do our best to ensure that there are absolutely NO fish even in this story, just to piss you off! What this story will be is an Invader Zim/Ranma ½ crossover, as unholy a mixture as that is. Furthermore, it most likely will not even have Ranma himself/herself in it. Instead, we focus on the infamous Pig Boy, Ryoga, and Zim's pathetic new plan to do things. That's right, THINGS!
This is a joint venture between me, Spoofmaster, and my brother, MysticButtCrystal AKA CaptainQuark AKA Queasimodo.
For all of you losers who haven't seen Ranma ½, all you need to know is that Ryoga turns into a little black pig when he is splashed with cold water, and back into a human when he is splashed with hot water. This is because he fell in a magic spring at Jusenkyo. When he is in pig form, he will be referred to as P-Chan, but anyone who doesn't already know why doesn't deserve to live! Also, Ryoga is not too bright, and he has often been described as being the "Eternally Lost Boy." He once took four days to find his way to a location a few blocks away from his house, on the same street. Oh, and he had a map, too.
Disclaimer: We do not own anything that appears in this fiction, unless we say otherwise.
THE PERIL OF A FISH
Ryoga awoke. He needed to pee.
Surprisingly, he was in his own bedroom for once. Not so surprisingly, he was home alone, since his mother had left for the grocery store two weeks past.
He got up, and headed for the bathroom in the hall.
Five weeks later
Zim looked up from his screen as Gir crashed headlong into a nearby pillar. On the abandoned screen was Zim's latest venture into world conquest. Tinny sounds of people screaming came from the speakers, as robotic beavers nibbled at their feet.
"Gir, things are going wonderfully! With my new robotic foot-biting beavers, I'll...I'll..." Zim scratched his head in confusion, and turned off the screen in disgust.
"I found a new pig!" screeched Gir, reaching into his own head and extracting a rather crumpled live black pig. P-Chan stared dully at the world through blank eyes. No one will ever know of his epic journey. (We will tell you this, though: Gir did not put him in his head. He found his own way in.)
"How many of those pork demons do you have, Gir?" demanded Zim.
Gir twitched.
"I got a new pig!" he screeched.
"Kwee kwee!" commented P-Chan, biting viciously at Gir's hands.
"He loves me," stated Gir happily.
"What is that STENCH?" cried Zim, finally getting a whiff of P-Chan. "It's horrible! Gir, go cleanse that...THING, or get rid of it!"
"Yes, SIR!" bellowed Gir, saluting with the hand that held P-Chan, subsequently squishing his new pet.
Gir prepared the tub by filling it with bath water. By tub we mean, of course, the kitchen toilet. And by bath water, we mean boiling tea.
P-Chan looked nervous.
Gir hummed to himself, and cheerfully plunged P-Chan into the bubbling liquid.
"AAARGH!" screamed Ryoga, erupting up out of the bowl.
"Ooooooooo," commented Gir. "Where's the beef?"
"You little freak!" screamed Ryoga, kicking Gir in the face. "Ow, my foot!"
Ryoga bolted for what he hoped was the door to the outside world.
Twenty-seven minutes later, he found himself in the deepest corners of Zim's underground base. On the upside, he magically had all his clothing and stuff back, just like in the comics, so at least the animators didn't have to use clever tricks to keep from showing what they shouldn't (and what some fangirl somewhere no doubt wanted them to anyway).
What animators, you ask? Well, to you we say...shut the hell up.
"What is this place?" wondered Ryoga as he entered the Hallucinate a Whole Life and Then Have a Muffin Launched at Your Head room.
"Warning: Intruder Alert," said Zim's evil computer, popping up a screen with an image of Ryoga wandering around.
"How did that Earth-monkey get all the way in there without being seen by my brilliant security system?"
"Subject is Pig, and has been designated as a non-threat. However, pigs do not speak, but Subject Pig does," explained the wonderfully high-tech piece of Irkan military engineering.
"Hmmm," growled Zim to himself. "Maybe these nubby filth monsters are smarter than they let on. Computer, bring the subject to the lab at once!"
Ryoga was somewhat surprised when a large sucky-type tube thing came down from the ceiling and sucked him up. Zim was even more surprised though, when the process took ten minutes, rather than the usual forty-three seconds.
"Computer, why do you dally? You dare test the patience of ZIM?" he demanded.
"Subject Pig was lost several times in transit," reported the computer.
"Lost? But it is a single tube of small...smallness. How can he get lost?" shouted Zim.
"Uhh...leprechauns?" offered the computer, making one of its famous (or maybe infamous) Educated Guesses.
"I want a leprechaun to pet and feed and call my ooooowwwnn," commented Gir, who had shown up seconds before Ryoga had arrived and been strapped down to the Examination/Horrible Things table. (So all you Zim fans can envision it, it's the lab where he replaced the cop's brain with that of a squid, built his time machine, and created the Santa suit).
Ryoga's eye twitched.
"What the hell is wrong with you people?" he demanded.
"Why, nothing. We are normal Earth monkeys, just like everyone else," Zim quickly put on his contacts and wig.
"I'm an alien robot," chirped Gir cheerfully.
"Oh, okay, then," said Ryoga, only a little bit nervously.
(What do you expect? This guy comes from a world full of transforming people, martial arts tea ceremonies, and random psychos who show up at your house in the middle of the night to kill you with an oddly gimmicky fighting style. You don't really expect him to be truly put off by a mere alien, do you?)
"Good job, Gir," said Zim sarcastically. "Now the PIG knows too much, and we'll have to dispose of it, and then all his horrible little pig minions will come looking!"
"I...AM NOT...A PIG!" screamed Ryoga, breaking the straps that held him to the table using his mighty you-can-hit-me-in-the-head-with-a-telephone-pole- and-I-won't-even-twitch-type strength.
"Gir! Restrain the bacon fiend!" screamed Zim, cowering behind the computer console.
Lights flashed psychotically behind Gir as he leapt up into the air in a beautifully animated Japanese-style transformation sequence thingy and...
Fell flat on his face, jumped up, raced over to the wall, and started slamming his forehead against it so fast his entire upper body became a blur. Zim sighed.
"Computer! Restrain him!" he cried, in exactly the same tone. Metal tentacles snaked out from the wall at blinding speed, snatched up Ryoga, and deposited him in one of the goofy-looking ovular chambers lining the walls, so that he was suspended inside.
"Are you happy too?" inquired the extremely happy child in the tank next to him, smiling so hard it looked like his face would break. Luckily, Zim said something before Ryoga had a chance to launch himself into an angsty tirade about how much his life sucked, and thereby gain the ability to use his Depression Attack. (Yes, we know, it's called Shishi Hokodan, but doesn't like little lines above the O's, so screw you).
"So, Pig. What is your plan? You must tell your plan to Zim!"
"What plan?" cried Ryoga, feeling very confused.
"You pigs possess super strength and shape-shifting abilities! Why do you take the form of the mud-eating fat globs? Is it to infiltrate Earth's Agricultural Complex?"
"I'M NOT A PIG!" screamed Ryoga redundantly, thrashing around.
"Earth monkeys do not transform, therefore you are a pig!"
"And...pigs do?" wondered Ryoga.
"Yes."
"No they don't!" snapped Ryoga.
"Maybe he's a snow globe," contributed Gir from the corner, where he now slumped, having beaten the top of his head flat.
"Silence, Gir! I'm interrogating the Hogmaster!" snapped Zim.
"For the last time, I'm not a pig!" argued Ryoga. "I'm just cursed!"
"Cursed, eh?" said Zim. "Hmmm. HMMMM. Hmmm. Nope, nothing."
Ryoga muttered darkly to himself.
"Wait...how did this 'cursification,'" Zim did quote marks in the air, "occur?"
"Well, there's this place named Jusenkyo, in China, and it's full of little pools, and things wander into them and drown. Then if you fall into a pool where that's happened, you turn into whatever drowned there," said a fat otaku in a tube across the room.
Zim glared intently at Ryoga.
"So you're a pig that fell into a pool full of drowned human stuffs?"
"No, you idiot!" snapped Ryoga. "I'm a man!"
"I've heard enough," said Zim. "Computer, send the Pig away."
"Complying...COMPLYING!" shouted the computer. The tube containing Ryoga hissed loose of its supports, shot up through a hole in the ceiling, and out through a hole in the yard. It took out two lawn gnomes, flew down the street, and skidded for three blocks, crushing to death Iggins, who happened to be walking home from Skool.
"Gir! We must find a use for this 'Cursification' technology possessed by the Chinoids!" said Zim. "Computer, use the satellites to search for this...Juice Hank Yo."
"Processing...PROCESSING!"
"Oh, shut up," snapped Zim.
"Scanners indicate that the pools are at these coordinates," muttered the computer.
"Gir, prepare the Voot!" cried Zim. "I have an Amazing Plan. A Diabolical Plan. It is...spiffy."
Gir, whose head had spontaneously gone back to being the right shape, ran off to apply chocolate to the Voot Cruiser with a paintbrush.
Dib, being the creepy little stalker he was, watched from the bushes as a mysterious pod was launched from Zim's yard. He continued to watch as it killed Iggins, slid to a stop, and a guy stumbled out and wandered off.
"What're you up to, Zim?" muttered Dib to himself. Quickly, he pulled out his laptop that can always conveniently do whatever is necessary. Maybe it's context-sensitive. You know, with the "ting" noise?
"Good thing I installed a tracking system on this tomorrow, and a time machine on it next week," commented Dib, pulling up the tracking option that had just appeared. A tracking device was found in the depths of his pocket, as well as a tracking device gun, which he placed the tracking device into (obviously, but we have to tell you these things, or you'd probably get confused, you idiot), and he snuck close to the house, preparing to launch it at Zim's ship if and when it came out.
Zim glared at the Voot, whose paint was now a sodden mess of chocolate plating. He tightened the knots connecting it to the hastily tied Hunter Destroyer Machine (the one from Bad Bad Rubber Piggy).
"Gir, stay here and guard the base!" commanded Zim.
Gir saluted Zim in proper military fashion, dumped a bottle of dish soap into his head, collapsed, and began making alarming noises as great volumes of foam issued forth from his mouth.
"Okay then," commented Zim, climbing into the Voot.
Dib attempted an admirable action sequence when the ship took off, wallowing under the weight of the giant robot suspended from it, but got his feet tangled in his trench coat, and was forced to shoot the tracker off from a much less dignified position, laying on the ground. The tracker itself flew straight and true, and latched onto the Voot's windshield.
Unfortunately, Zim turned on the windshield wipers, ever wary of the death bee. Fortunately, after being knocked off, it latched onto the Hunter Destroyer Machine.
Dib congratulated himself and ran back home to get Tak's ship.
"What is this thing talking about?" asked Agent Scully.
"I don't know," admitted Agent Mulder, snapping pictures of everything in Zim's base. "But at least we now have conclusive proof that aliens exist, that we are not alone. Proof that even you can't deny."
"Not so," said Scully. "This place could be created by swamp gas. Or a burrowing weather balloon. Or perhaps it's just some kid's playhouse."
"Let's dance!" cried Gir, getting down with his bad self.
"I think we'd better do as he says," said Mulder. "After all, we did promise we would dance with him if he let us in here."
"Without Gir here to foil my plans, I will rule the world!" cackled Zim to himself, lowering the Hunter Destroyer Machine onto a patch of muddy ground on the outskirts of Jusenkyo. He landed the Voot, got out, and faced the Machine.
"Hunter Destroyer!" snapped Zim. "Dig a hole!"
It responded by blasting a hole in the ground, which promptly filled with water, Jusenkyo being the soggy place it is.
"Now to drown the Hunter Destroyer Machine in this pool," cried Zim, "A single Hunter Destroyer Machine is not enough to conquer this world, but an army of them would be much too expensive. However, using the power of Cursification, I can have as many as I want. Aha. Ahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ahahaha. Ahem."
Zim stared off into the distance, imagining what the future held in store.
Zim marched into the classroom with a squirt gun, and sprayed Torque Smacky with water from the spring, turning him into a Hunter Destroyer Machine, which rolled over and squished Dib before firing more of the water from the water cannon Zim had installed on the original, dousing the rest of the class.
Back in reality...kind of.
"Hunter Destroyer Machine, get in that pool and drown yourself!"
The robot trundled forward and toppled into the murky pool, most of it still above the surface. The muddy bottom gave way and it tilted slightly to the left.
"No! How can this be!" screamed Zim. "I told you to drown yourself!"
The robot showed no signs of drowning itself further. This might have had something to do with the fact that it was a robot and did not, in fact, breathe.
"My plan must succeed!" cried Zim, jumping onto the robot and hopping up and down on it, trying to push it into the water further.
"Sir! It be very dangerous you be doing that!" commented the Jusenkyo guide.
"Oh, shut up," ordered Zim, who then slipped and fell into the spring he had just created. Since he had failed to shower in glue or even drown anything in the pool, he immediately began drowning/melting.
Ten minutes later, Zim was no more. All that was left was a pool with a semi-submerged robot in it and a nasty green film over the surface.
Dib and Gaz arrived most uncomfortably in Tak's ship, and landed next to the pool.
"This isn't GameCrazy," accused Gaz. "You lied."
"I know, but I had to, so you would come and see my victory over Zim!" explained Dib, strolling over to the edge of the pool.
"Whatever," said Gaz, leaning angrily against the ship.
Dib reached down to touch the scummy water.
"This is strange," he commented. "Zim is nowhere to be seen...and what is this stuff?"
"Oh, sir," said the guide, stepping out from behind the Voot, "It very bad you fall in spring! Very tragic legend there, of strange screaming weirdo who melt there ten minute ago!" He held up a hastily scrawled sign written in Japanese with some sort of Chinese name about it.
"I don't read Japanese," frowned Dib.
"No matter. Writers not know how to write it, either. This say 'Fish Ate Cab Antique' anyway." He tossed the sign away.
No! Damnit! NO FISH! Bad!
"I don't read Japanese," frowned Dib.
"No matter. Writers not know how to write it, either. This say 'Smith Ate Cab Antique' anyway." He tossed the sign away. It landed next to a very similar sign, and two of the same cat walked by in different directions.
"What are you talking about?" asked Dib. "Go away."
Dib then began taking pictures of the pool.
"At last!" he cried, "I have defeated Zim!"
Without any warning, Gaz pushed him into the pool.
"What did you have to do with it?" she growled, as he screamed and thrashed and generally acted like a melting alien, what with him being one. He scrambled out of the pool, and collapsed on the ground.
"Gaz..." he gasped, "Take...pictures..."
Gaz solemnly picked up his camera, tossed it in the air, and kicked it into a thousand pieces when it came down.
Elsewhere, Iggins exploded out from under the capsule that had crushed him.
IIIIIIIIGGGIIIIIIIIIIINNNNSSS!
"And that," concluded Mr. Sludgy, "Was the story of The Most Horrible Fanfiction Ever."
"Yaaaaaaaaaay!" shouted the nasty child-like lumps, bouncing up and down and making disturbing squeaky noises.