Less Than Learned
Acknowledgment: Haibane Renmei is the creation of Yoshitoshi ABe.
Timeline: Episode 12. On the way from Old Home (after receiving her and Reki's true names, and just after telling Reki she could never forget her) to the Passing of the Year Festival, Rakka is lost in her thoughts.
I fell into this strange little town of Glie, and so, they call me Rakka ("Falling"). Whether my fall was a crash landing, or like the floating of a feather, I do not know.
I didn't drown, in that cocoon, when I fell...but I still wonder, sometimes, whether I'm drowning now. Winter is a time of trials, they say. I'm no poet-philosopher, but even I know about ice, and frozen hearts. Hyouko ("Ice Lake") is probably going through some kind of trial right now, since there's so much ice and snow around.
My wings are still shifting, dyeing, dying, going from ash-colored to coal-colored, and both Reki and Washi think it's because of some trial I still have to go through. Reki in particular keeps talking about her "Sin-Bound" wings, and keeps insisting that I'm not "Sin-Bound". Well, if she's Sin-Bound because of her wings, and my wings are just like hers—I think she's afraid to hurt me by telling me that yes, I am Sin-Bound.
So, what's my trial? From what I understand, we Haibane used to be humans before becoming Haibane. But we died without learning some lesson—it's different for each of us—and that's why we were reborn into this semi-isolated little town, with only our fleeting dreams to connect us to that half-forgotten world.
My dream...falling...sometimes I lie awake at night, when even Reki must have gone to sleep, and I wonder. Did I commit suicide by throwing myself off of something? And if I did, just how high did I have to climb in order to do that?
Did I...throw myself away? I must have tried to slip away, to isolate myself from the world, that's for sure. Shut myself up in a shell, like a nut. I really didn't think anybody would care if I died. Strange, the memories that make it into this semi-isolated little world of ours.
Was there a ledge? And if so, was anybody there to talk me down, anybody I wouldn't listen to, anybody?
Did anybody care? Was there ever any connection to begin with? There has to have been a connection, some bond, any sort of relationship, anything. That bird, in the well, it couldn't have been wishful thinking. It just couldn't.
A "connected nut", that's what Washi said I am, deep down. It's true that my fellow Haibane of Old Home managed to break through my shy exterior—Kuu, Reki, Kana, Hikari, Nemu, yes, even Midori and Hyouko, even the Little Feathers too. From their point of view, I've sprouted into quite the connected little nut, and—do I dare say it?—I've become almost happy. For the first time in my lives, it seems.
Yet I can't shake the feeling that my cocoon dream, and my true name, and my trial, are all somehow connected. Like there's a lesson I still need to learn, something to do with isolation and connection.
Isolation and connection. I'm pretty sure I wasn't happy in my past life, and I'm quite aware of the fragility of my happiness in this life. Was it really that selfish, wanting an end to my pain? Was it? If I ended up hurting people by my death, then from their point of view, it would've at least been the last time I ever hurt them.
I know that I still haven't learned my lesson, and that's because of what learning is in the first place: the storing of knowledge, plain and simple. I can't store what I don't know. And I still don't know what my lesson is, therefore I can't possibly have learned it.
Reki's going through the same thing, I can tell. She might think I don't know why she screams herself awake, but I do. And I...I care. We have the same problem, why should she or I have to suffer alone? It's not fair! It's not fair!
I don't recognize any of the stars in Glie's night sky, but there is a star that's in more-or-less the same place every night. I remember using it as a sort of compass, to help me find my way through the Western Woods. A...a guiding light.
Please, Reki, admit it. We're both Sin-Bound. Why, I don't know. We might even be Sin-Bound because of each other, in our past lives. But I don't want to see you suffer like this anymore. Please, Reki...be my guiding light, and I'll be yours.
We can make it through our trials, Reki. Together.
Please?