Disclaimer: 'Course I don't own Minecraft. There aren't even sheep cannons in the game.
Minecraft Life Versus Real Life
Maths Classes
"Ahem." The dumb, old professor who keeps babbling about diet calories when he should be teaching maths cleared his throat loudly. "X + Y minus thirteen equals C plus..."
All the students were completely zoned out. There was a count of completely nil students actually listening (Who knows when he'll start blathering about the latest Women's Weekly magazine again? Weird old coot).
There was a loud THUNK from a desk in the front row as a boy keeled over from boredom and promptly fell asleep, waking up as soon as his forehead connected with the desk for the thirty-seventh time. The rest of the class took no notice of that, as they weren't far from doing it themselves.
The scratching of chalk on blackboard abruptly stopped as the aforementioned coot turned around sharply and stared at the sleepy boy over his impressively hooked nose and ridiculous plastic spectacles (He had to wear the spectacles to feel at least a tiny bit self-righteous).
"Am I keeping you awake, Robert?" he snapped grouchily at the slacker. His wrinkled-up face resembled a week-old apple left out in the sun as he attempted to scowl at the student in a patronising way, but only succeeded in making himself look more like a piece of dried fruit than he already did.
"No, sir." the boy- Robert, yawned, showing a piece of chewing gum stuck between his teeth. "But that is precisely the problem, isn't it?" Then he dropped his head to the desk and went back to sleep, chewing gum flying out of his mouth like it had a mind of its own and landing on the teacher's shoes with a little splat.
The maths teacher's face gradually reddened until he very much looked like an out-of-shape party balloon.
Let's just say the the old professor called the quits due to high blood pressure a week later.
"Right, Crafters!" An overly cheerful guy with a blocky head and a yellow emoji for a face called to his class.
"Today, we will be learning the sum of what happens when you plus a creeper and TNT." he reached for a piece of chalk to draw a diagram on the blackboard- only to realise there was no such thing as chalk or blackboard because this is freaking Minecraft.
"Anyway..."
A little girl with ginger hair spoke up. "I think creeper plus TNT equals explosion, sir."
The guy giggled to himself. "Yes, as I am about to demonstrate..."
He produced a bunch of green egg spotted with black with one hand and a stack of TNT with another. Before anyone could stop him, he smashed the egg on the ground.
The class erupted into chaos as a fully-grown creeper emerged. The guy made to put down the blocks of TNT as well.
He'd only gotten to four blocks when the creeper creeped up behind him. "No!" he gasped. "I haven't even set fire to the building yet!"
There was a twang, then the creeper fell over with an arrow through its eye. You'd expect it to be dead, but nope, this is Minecraft, so you have to bash things multiple times to get rid of them.
A ginger-haired girl shot forwards and repeatedly stabbed the creeper violently with an iron sword that came out of nowhere (Minecraft logic, silly) in a really violent manner. The creeper disintegrated after a few blows, and turned into piles of grey powder, which got absorbed by the girl. The kids peeked around to make sure their crazy teacher hadn't spawned more mobs and carefully crawled out from under their desks.
The teacher took the opportunity to discreetly ignite the TNT. All the students quickly scrambled clear of the blast zone, warned by the ridiculous cackling.
A series of explosions later, the guy sailed off to the distance through a hole in the roof, successfully achieving blast-off via TNT. The kids clapped politely and then excused themselves from class. Hopefully the lunatic wouldn't respawn until tomorrow.
"Steve." the girl with the sword said to a nearby boy. "Record this as the fifty-sixth time this stupid guy spawned a mob in the classroom and then blew it up. We should be able to get the admins to kick him out of the server soon."
Pests
"Dad!" A little girl shrieked as she swung from her chandelier. "There's spiders in my room! They're everywhere!"
A man rushed to the scene to discover that yes, there was indeed an infestation of spiders. Covering the carpet in black and leaving the girl screaming while clutching onto the chandelier for dear life, it would give most people arachnophobia if they didn't already have it in the first place.
"Hold on, Charlotte. I'll call the pest control." he dialled a number on his phone.
A few hours later...
A phoney-looking guy in overalls came in and hosed the house with pesticide. The end.
"Dad!" A little girl shrieked as she nerd-poled the heck outta there. "There's spiders in my room! They're everywhere!"
"Yes, Alex. There's spiders outside too, along with lots of undead things and creepers and endermen. Wait a moment while I shoot them all."
Alex tried to use pesticide on them, but then realised since it was Minecraft, there was no such thing as pesticide. So she resorted to shooting them instead. With a very dangerous bow that shot flaming arrows.
A few moments later...
A bunch of people in armour crashed in through the walls and killed the giant spiders with swords. The end.
Car crashes
The girl was sobbing as her friends clustered around her.
"Are you okay?" they asked. It was a pretty stupid thing to ask, really, since she'd just been in a car crash and now her boyfriend's dead and she's hospitalised for multiple injuries.
"It's j-just..." she sniffled, voice blurred by tears. "I was gonna break up with him... Now I'd have to go to the funeral and explain to his mum why I crashed the car on purpose so I'd never have to see his face again. That's gonna be hard."
Her friends exchanged weird looks.
The girl sighed. "Look, guys... I was kidding, alright?"
Her friends sighed in relief.
"Of course I'm not going to his funeral. His mum's a terrible person."
Someone got their phone out and dialled the nearest mental asylum.
There was a cluster of people around the broken minecart and the girl sobbing next to the pile of gear.
"Dammit! That hurt! I think my arm is broken!"
She shoved a whole pie in her mouth and her arm healed instantly (Minecraft physics). She glared at the pile of gear her boyfriend left behind.
"That bastard had better not respawn anytime soon or I'll chuck him down a ravine. I'm getting a new BF."
She walked off in an indignant manner as people stared in confusion.
Building
Three years after starting construction...
The man examined the small but cozy home with satisfaction.
Thirty minutes after starting construction...
The Crafter looked at the huge castle with disapproval and blew it up.
Gravity
"Why is our house a pile of rubble?" a little girl asked her mum.
"Because the Nazis came by while we were shopping, dammit."
"Why is our house floating in the sky?" Steve stared at the gravity-defying structure in confusion.
"Oh, you haven't noticed the floating trees yet? I think it's a nice touch, really." Alex said as she built a floating swimming pool, a floating garden, and a floating chicken-pen.
The End