I Am NOT A Girl!

A/N: Le gasp! Another oneshot! Who would have ever guessed:D Not me. :p 'Kay, anyways, I was readin' oneshots and sturff, and of course add on the drunknessness in me with going to da beach taday, and me and my friends got all messed urp (it was fun :D), and I saw this guy today at the beach, and thought it was a girl, so me and my friend ali bein' drunk went up to him and said "OH MEH GAWD! YOU'RE SO PRETTY!" (shoot me -.-'''), and when he turns back to us, I RAN–so fast I almost cried. I felt so bad. I was really emotional today. o.o er, anyway, this is about how sasuke is mistaken for a girl at the beach :D XD enjoy.

Warnings: Yaoi (boy on boy), drugs, sex (-lots of smexshy man-sex-), all that strooff.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Thee Company (that rhymed :D), because if Sasuke was mine–PARENTAL ADVISORY RECOMMENDED.

"speaking" / thinking / normal (Naruto's POV)

---

Sasuke and I have a date today. We're going to the beach. I'm SO excited! I can't wait to see his perfect, muscular, tan, 8-packed. . .

"Oi, dobe, why's your nose bleeding?"

. . .Oops. I ran into my boyfriend's marble bathroom to get a tissue. I didn't live with him just yet, but this WAS like my second home. His mom calls me honey, darling, sweetie, and addresses me as her son. Wow, it's like I'm going out with my brother. Freaking creepy. But I don't have a mom, or dad (just like Sasuke), so it is pretty cool to get that kind of attention. Sasuke's brother, Itachi, is so fucking cool. . .and hot. Very hot. Sasuke gets so jealous of Itachi sometimes. It makes me laugh.

So anyways, me and Sasuke have been going out for about two years now. Next week is our anniversary. I smile at the thought. I don't know what I'm going to get him. I hope he gets me ramen. That'd be awesome.

But enough with the random thoughts. I walk out of the bathroom, nosebleed cut off, and sat down on his couch. We were basically ready to go, but Sasuke takes forever to get ready. Damn, he's such a girl sometimes, that freak.

I was wearing an orange bathing suit with black little spirals designed in rows and columns all over it. Orange was my favorite color. Black: second. Sasuke calls me an emo sunshine. I think the nickname is cute, so keep it, and tell other people to call me that too. Aha, by the next week there was a rumor going around that I was goth and raped. I'm not really sure were they got that I was raped. Sasuke beat up a few kids for making fun of me. Actually, if it wasn't for him, I basically would have been ignored completely. He brought up my reputation to third most popular guy in school. Now how many kids can go around saying I have a gay boyfriend who is the most popular guy in the city? I'm special, people!

He comes out in nothing but a black with blue electricity (1) bathing suit, with black boxers underneath with his families symbol (just like me and my little swirls (2)) decorating it, and two Adidas™ sandals supporting his feet. Wow, he was a really nice dresser. I then smirk. I had such a naughty idea it made me chuckle audibly.

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "What? Already wanna have sex?"

I twitched an eyebrow visibly. Why does he always assume that? Jeez, that egotistical jerk!

"No, you moron. Later. But for now, I wanna play a little game." I resumed my smirk and fell back into the squishy cushion behind me on his leather couch.

"Can't we play later or something, I want to get to the beach already. I seriously need a tan," he comments and peaks under his shorts, spotting an annoying tan line.

I gaped. "You girl! Who cares about tanning! My god!" I sat up, still gaping. I couldn't believe this guy! Why doesn't he just go get surgery already and turn into a girl completely? It would probably save his mom the trouble. When she buys him clothes, they're all girly. She even bought him a bra once. I broke out into laughter immediately and made him wear it while having sex. I thought it was cute. Ahahaha, I'm just kidding! Really! (Sort of. . .) So he buys clothes for himself now.

I see his eye twitch and he starts to walk over to me in my seat. I back away and hold out my arms in defense. I just knew he would hurt me for that joke.

"What? I'm not gonna hit you. I just wanted to ruffle your adorable golden hair, my little uke." I didn't like when he called me the uke. Just because he was the dominant one and I was the "adorable little kit" to everyone, he didn't have to make it known all the time. . .

I stopped my cowering and relaxed back into my previous spot. Regret sprung into action. He immediately hit me hard over the head. "Dobe."

I glared and harrumphed. "Evil bastard," I muttered and pulled up the bad pull of ours towels and things. I flung it over my shoulder and walked straight to the door. I gasped. I forgot the game!

"Hey Sasuke," I called and turned back to see him inches away from my face. I blinked a few times like the dark had suddenly gotten bright to my eyes. I backed away and smirked/smiled. "Let's play a game where we both give each other one dare that we have to complete today, okay?"

"Why?" he asked as if I went crazy. God, he must really want that tan.

I rolled my eyes and smiled into my dimples wide. "Come on, Sasuke! Have a little fun now and then!"

I see him roll his eyes back at me and scoff. "Whatever, fine. You think of one first."

I smirked. I already have one, darling. "Okay. I dare you to wear a bikini for two hours today. Just two hours. I won't torture you into doing it for the whole day." I smiled and surprisingly giggled. This was going to be SO much fun.

I had spent so much thinking time on how funny it would be to see sasuke going through my dare, I hadn't thought of what his would do to me.

He growls and sighs exasperatedly, then says through a small smirk to the side, "Fine. I'll wear a bikini, just the top, for two hours: I'm wearing my bathing suit shorts. Got it? I won't have people staring at the fucking bulge below my stomach. I'm not that horny."

"I could say otherwise. . ." I whispered and looked down diagonally to the carpeted floor, currently finding my nose quite itchy.

I whined when he flicked me on the forehead at my comment. "BUT, for your dare," he started off my death-sentence, along with a smirk, "You have to flirt with Sakura until she asks you out on a date, and then reject her."

He was so cruel! How could he ever tell me to do something so mean?

"How dare you! I HATE that bitch! You're so evil!" (3)

He smirked fully and chuckled. "Payback, my love." Then he walked around me out the door.

---

We made it to the beach in a matter of minutes, considering Sasuke only lived half-a-mile away. It was fun to walk to the beach. I see a lot of hot beach bunnies on the boardwalk and sidewalk. Sasuke gets even more jealous when I stare. Aha, that moron, I don't even like girls.

"Put up the umbrella, dobe," Sasuke ordered me in a rude, but common for him way.

I did as told and stuck the pole into the sand, then popped open the umbrella. I stand aside as he unfolded the beach chairs.

"Want to go in the water now?" I asked after he laid out everything we brought. I see him nod gently and walk out to the ocean. I follow behind him then smirk. "Hey, you have to put on the bikini top, remember?"

He sighs, "Fine." He reaches into his pocket and takes out a black bikini top with two black elastic bands and a bow holding the two breast covers together.

I giggle madly at how cute he looked with it on. Okay, giggling madly is an understatement: I went into a full out giggle fest. I actually fell into the water on my knees I was laughing so hard. "Nice choice!" My lungs felt dry as all that air left me. I took deep breaths to bring the oxygen back in. What? It was REALLY funny!

He harrumphs and folded his arms over his chest, trying to cover it up. Mission impossible, cutie, I think and continue to giggle through a closed mouth.

"Ooh, Naruto look. There's your girlfriend now." Sasuke points to the right side of me. I curse loudly and turn to where his index finger pointed. Yup, there Sakura was, along with Ino. Oh good golly joy. Now I have to deal with both of those sluts. Kami save my withering soul.

"GASP! Naruto! HI!" she giggles and runs over to me. Ugh, I mentally groan and slap my hand over my face. Maybe when I open my eyes again she'll be gone.

Damn, still there. Fine, might as well get it over with. "Hey Sakura, Ino."

"Hey Naruto. Where's Sasuke? You'd be hanging out with him, right?" Ino was nice to me. Basically we were friends, and met through Sasuke. Same with Sakura, but she moved her crush on Sasuke to me. She said I was "too deliciously adorable for words." Ugh.

Then I wondered why Ino was asking me where Sasuke was. He was right behind me, right? Oh that loser! Did he chicken out?

I turn around and see him looking the other way, back turned to us. Loser. Why are you ashamed? It's just Sakura and Ino, I think. I was about to announce my thoughts, but Ino and Sakura's high-pitched babbling cut in before I had the chance. I sighed and listened. I had to make it seem like I cared, or Sakura would get mad at me, and the dare would be ruined. . .And if I ruined the dare, knowing how touchy and sensitive Sasuke is, I wouldn't be getting any that night.

". . .Yeah, isn't she so pretty? I love her blue-ish hair! It kind of looks like Sasuke's. Maybe they're related or something."

"But she's so flat-chested from what I can see from behind. Ew, and WAY too muscular. Enough wrestling practice, sweetie." Ouch, that was mean. Well, Ino is pretty mean sometimes. . .Hey wait, aren't they talking about. . .?

Oh, I get it. They think Sasuke is. . ., I analyze the situation. . .then burst out into abundant laughter. Oh man, I'm gonna have some mega good blackmail for "later on purposes."

"What's so funny, Naruto?" Sakura asks me. I just laugh harder and ignore her question.

"You did NOT just call me a girl," Sasuke growls and turns around towards us. I was treading water with my feet at this point, on the ground gurgling water for air through constant laughing.

Ino and Sakura gasp loudly through their big mouths. "SASUKE?" both girls screech. I couldn't take the pain, this was freaking killing me. I always thought he was girly, but WOW, I never thought he'd actually be mistaken for a girl! WAY TO GO SASUKE! I laughed perceptibly at my mental joke.

"Stop laughing, dobe!" I could tell he was blushing like a tomato right now. Aw, my poor boyfriend. . .Having to be mistaken for a girl because of his massively feminine exterior.

I try to stop for the safety of my being. Although he's a little feminine, he against me in a fight would land me clear into a hospital. . .or a junk yard, if he got to choose where my last days would be.

I sit up, soaking in water. I hadn't noticed Sakura and Ino giggling until their insides would fall out since all I could comprehend was my own laughter and Sasuke's very high-pitched yelling. Ouch, another thing to add to my "What Makes Sasuke Girly" list. (I really did have one of those.)

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and stood up. I falsely yawned and scratched the top of my messy and drenched golden-blond hair. "Girls, I think me and Sasuke should get going. Kaoru (4) is expecting us home for an early dinner."

"'Kay, Naru-kun. Can your girlfriend have a kiss before you leave?" I hear Sakura say through kissy-lips to me in a cute voice. Or so she thinks. . .Blegh. . .

Sasuke chuckles behind me. I twitch my eye and want nothing more than to hit him over the head. Lucky for me, Ino wanted the same thing from him. 3, 2, 1. . .

"Sasu-baby, me too."

I snicker and look back at him. He glares in response and goes up to Ino, slightly dabbing her on the lips. I see him run off fast to our stuff on shore. I almost break out in laughter that he was so disgusted by such a pretty girl (well to guys who were straight anyway).

"Naru-kuunn."

I mentally groan and moan in my head, Alright, alright, shut your bitchy trap. I sighed and kissed her lightly on the lips. She instantly grabbed my head and deepened the kiss. I was about to barf. . .Really, I felt the throw-up shooting up to my already "full" mouth.

Oh god, thank the lord Ino had some working brain cells. "Ahaha, OKAY Sakura. I think you've tortured him enough already."

I see a vein pop up in her forehead through my widened eyes. She lets go and starts having a stupid argument with Ino, containing the nicknames "billboard head" and "Ino-pig." Oh god, girls scare me. I praise the day I went gay.

I immediately run after Sasuke. I think that was the fastest I had ever run in my life.

---

When we get back to the house, we were panting like crazy. Sasuke's mum, Kaoru, asks us what made us so tired. I laugh with whatever breath I had left and say, "Girls," as if the word explained everything itself.

She replies with, "Ah. I see," and a giggle. She then tells us she'd make me miso ramen, and give Sasuke an apple. Yeah, that was one of the things on my list. He NEVER ate anything fattening. All healthy foods. I think I heard him complain about being fat when we went shopping once. Metro, I label him and sit down on the leathery–yet impressingly comfortable–couch. He sits next to me, which in return I subconsciously cuddle up to him.

We sit like that until Kaoru comes to us with our food. She sets it down on the glass-over-black steel table in front of us, all the while cooing at how cute we were together. She was literally the only one other than Itachi that knew we were gay. It was incredible, to me, that she was instantly okay with it. She was like the coolest mom ever. I laughed at that, considering I don't have a mom. I didn't really know otherwise than her, except for Sakura and a few of my other friends' moms. But the really cool thing about Sasuke's mom was that she didn't even ask why Sasuke was wearing a bikini top underneath a white wife-beater (we were both wearing, mine black) when we got home. Way to go mums.

We finished our food pretty fast, Sasuke faster than I (even if he was only eating an apple, it still seemed pretty fast), because he most likely wanted to get in my pants now that he had to do the dare AND kiss Ino. He probably thought it was only fair.

We moved to the bedroom, him pulling me and my slurped-up noodles by the hand behind him. I swallowed the content in my mouth in one quick gulp as he threw me down to his black silk-sheeted and comfy black down-comforter-ed bed. I loved his bed SO much. It was a freaking sanctuary to me, it was so comfortable. Being rich really must be nice.

You could tell how unbelievably down in hell and moody Sasuke was just by looking at his room. . .It was just so black everywhere. Eh, it didn't bother me. Black was my second favorite color after all. I applauded him in a way for it.

He kissed down passionately on my ramen-flavored lips as he went to remove his shirt. He pulled away from me for the moment so could also take off mine. He seemed really happy as he kissed down my neck, to my nipple. I moaned pleasurably as he bit and sucked on my right nipple. I feel my pants being unzipped then pulled down my slim legs. I was REALLY tan though; tanner than Sasuke. I had no tan line. That made my mind laugh, to be ultimately cut off with a scream as he grabbed my member tight, stroking it lovingly.

He smirked and moved down my body. He stopped at the tattoo on my stomach. He was the one who made me get it. I liked it too, I admit. It made me look cool. I gained a lot of fan girls because of it.

He kept going after making my body even wetter than it was with his hot saliva. He met with my dick, and obviously gave me head. He sucked multiple times. I REALLY had to cum. "S-Sasu. . .ke. . .I h-have to. . ."

"Go ahead," he tells me. My tears break loose, along with a massive amount of cum onto his hands and in his mouth. "Yum," he whispers expressionlessly and licks his fingers. I look down with one eye. I see him smirk up at me.

He gets up slightly, moving his head back up to mine. He kisses my mouth, hands around my erection, mine in his hair. He smiles softly and asks, separating his tongue from mine, along with bringing his hands to my chest, "Ready, love?"

I nod stiffly. I've done it PLENTLY of times, and yet it still hurts like hell was visiting earth. He takes off his pants, throwing them aside. He lifts my left leg, then looks me in the face. I knew from experience that he wanted me to hold it up. I did so, him holding onto my hips. I grabbed the silk sheets with my free hand, prepared for the oncoming pain.

He pushes in his member. I sear and sigh, knowing worse was to happen. He pushes in harder now, thrusting into me faster than the last time. He does this for who-knows-how long, my mind not actually processing shit right now. He goes faster and faster each time, every now and then me screaming his name in ecstasy.

He stopped after a little, pulling out from me. I let down my sore leg, having to push it down to the bed due to now achy bones. He was at the side of me now, smiling. I smiled back. Though painful, I still enjoyed having him inside me. It made me feel special. Pfft, I AM special! I laughed and looked up at the ceiling, admiring the image of me and him together in bed through the mirror above us.

"You know," he says to me plainly. I look back at him with an eyebrow weakly raise, all muscles also sore. "You still haven't completed your dare. You haven't flirted with Sakura enough."

I gape. "EVIL!"

---

I may do two versions to this, just not tonight. im going to florida tomorrow to buy my new house. -tear- yeah, im moving. daddy wants early retirement. lol. it's not like I still wont type though. its literally like my life after all. n,n anyway, I was listening to gallery when writing this. it helps my mind concentrate on cute, loving thoughts between the two having sex. lmao. what? it really works! 'kay, if I am doing another one of these, it'll probably just be called I Am NOT A Girl 2. lol, SECOND VERSION! you'll like that one too. oh, and as for the numbers in the story, I usually don't do that. I just wanted to see how it would look. -shrug- eh.

1 - anyone know what electricity that is? come on people, think! if you do figure it out, ill give you a cookie, a plushy of your choice, and maybe a dedication in my next oneshot or songfic!

2 - I felt very perverted at that, if anyone else did, I don't blame you. my mind is in the gutter just as much as yours is. :p

3 - if you didn't get that, I meant it in the way that at first, it would seem that he would feel bad for doing that to her, but he actually hates her. xDD (nothing against sakura, I actually kinda like the sakXnar coupling, if not sasXnar or hinXnar, but NEVER -oh god and I mean NEVER, sakXsas -just ugh-)

4 - I don't actually know her name, so I just made one up. . .oh well, if you do know, tell me please. lol.

Sasuke: I don't have a mom anymore.

KDLH: Well in this you do. Be happy you ungrateful brat.

-KUMi demon lovin hunter