A/N: KakaSaku main pairing! Less depressing than it sounds. Canon divergences will become clear as we go. Dysfunctional relationships are dysfunctional. This is an adaptation of the brilliant Noël Coward play of the same name, and borrows elements of his dialogue. It's entirely possible you won't like anyone in this story, so buckle up and let's go for a ride. The uncensored version of this story (probably future lemons) is available on AO3 here: /works/17982401/

"Kashi! Kashi darling, come look at this, it's wonderful!"

"Just a minute!"

Hatake Kakashi studied himself in the mirror. He had changed clothes after the days of travel, before they had entered the seaside resort; it was a civilian town, and they were not there on a mission and this was the most renowned onsen in the Land of Steam, so he had dressed as the setting and purpose dictated. Silk draped his body, a simple yukata of shantung, the irregular fibres giving an occasional gleam amidst an otherwise matte pool of black. The yukata was tied at the waist with a silver obi, embroidered in lighter metallic threads with the Hatake crest. Though the necessity of tying something over his eye to match his attire when out of uniform had long since gone, Kakashi had still worn his mask until now, when they had arrived in their chambers. It sat puddled, a little despondent looking, on the corner of the (unnecessarily huge, it seemed to him) vanity in their bathroom, as he fidgeted slightly with the hem of his sleeve. His yukata may have been simple, but it was of the finest quality- and yet, here was a thread, niggling at him. Her voice sounded again, imploring him to come out onto the balcony, and he gave up. Kakashi exited the bathroom, and made his way through the sitting room and out into the evening air where his young new wife was waiting.

She turned to face him, beaming, her skin and her grin radiant in the light of the setting sun.

"Look Kashi, see how glorious the sunset is on the water! You'd never see anything like that in Konoha." She rushed to him, placing her hands on his shoulders, popping onto her tiptoes, and pecking him swiftly on the lips, before turning and bounding across the balcony to its rail, a balustrade just high and thick enough that he could have sat on it comfortable- it was a bit too tall for his petite wife to do the same, so she leaned over it, her hands flat on the surface, gazing enraptured at the dancing swells.

"Maa, it's not bad."

She turned to look at him, a little sharply, but her face melted into happiness again at the sight of his eyes crinkling above the upturned lips, clearly on display.

"Oh Kashi, you're laughing at me! But it's all right. I know you don't mean it," she help out her hand in invitation, and he crossed the balcony to take it, sliding his up onto the balustrade, perched with his feet on the ground and his head turned to take in the view, their hands resting on his knee. "Because I love you. Can you believe it Kashi, here we are, you and I, married!"

Kakashi laughed. "Oh yes, it seems almost unbelieveable, doesn't it!"

She frowned, her hand tensing in his. "Please darling, don't be so casual about our honeymoon, just because this is your second."

"What makes you think that?" Kakashi returned her frown, his hand beginning to slip away.

"Are you annoyed with me?" It was a direct question, and fairly unavoidable given the circumstances.

"A little," he admitted, ceasing his hand's progress. Hers seized it with a renewed intensity.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up. Really. Kiss me?" He obliged, a peck similar to the one she had given him moments before.

"You can do better than that." He kissed her again, allowing his lips to linger a moment longer.

"Third time's the charm?" she wheedled, her eyes still closed, breathy voice warm against the skin of his face. This time Kakashi gave in to the pullof her fingers gripping the chest of his yukata, scooting closer to her on the balustrade, his arm snaking around her waist to pull her tightly against him as their lips met firmly, parted, and exchanged a whisper of tongues before joining again. When he finally released her they were both a little short of breath, and a grin flashed across his face.

"You are very sweet. And persuasive."

"Are you glad you married me?"

"Of course, I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't going to be glad."

"How glad?"

"Incredibly, magnificently glad!" Kakashi hoped that this hyperbole would stop wherever this line of enquiry was leading. There was no way the shrewd look behind her smiling eyes had no ulterior motive, and he had been caught off guard.

"Gladder than before?" He stood bolt upright and walked away towards the end of the balcony, where a low wall separated it from adjoining balcony of the next suite.

"I wish you would stop harping on that, Ayame."