CHARLIE MANDA: POKEMON DETECTIVE
My last cigarette tasted good as I breathed deeply and savored the smoke.
This was the third time I'd tried to quit, but I wasn't giving up.
Right as the cherry touched the filter, I felt the floor shake.
"Son of a bitch," I said as my bookshelf hit the floor and the lights flickered. Should have known that rookie installer didn't anchor anything properly.
As I cursed, I found myself looking at Officer Jenny. I knew I was outside of my PokeBall.
"Charlie, we need your help."
I've never met a dame that I could actually help.
"Charles Manda doesn't work for free, baby," I said as a smug smile crept across my lips.
"Charlie, this one's different," she said. "This one's about a kid."
My cigarette hit the floor and ashes coughed off of its body. I hate cases with kids. They always stick with you, like a bad Citrus Berry.
"What happened?"
Jenny pulled out her notebook and pointed to a small stiff in the corner of the room.
"Ten-year-old boy. Black hair. Red ball cap. Took two slugs to the chest. Looks like a robbery gone bad."
I snarled my snout.
"What kind of sicko robs a ten-year-old? He must have been traveling heavy. Anything missing?"
"Not that I can tell. His money's still there and he still has all of his PokeBalls."
I looked the kid over and caught something.
"He's missing a PokeBall."
Jenny shook her head.
"He can't be. There's still five there."
"Come closer and tell me I'm wrong."
I reached down and undid the kid's vest and revealed eight gym badges on the right side.
"This kid was heading to the Elite Four. Nobody heads to the Elite Four without a champion Pokemon. Think you can get me a full workup of his team, levels and all?"
Jenny smiled.
"This is why I think you're the best, Charlie. You're bright like the sun."
"That's just my tail, doll. All Charmanders light up a room."
She laughed and covered her mouth to hide her chuckles. I love when dames do that.
"You're cute. But we've got work to do," she said.
I opened my coat and went to grab my pack of Weezing Smokes, only to remember I quit smoking.
Today was a bad day to quit. I could tell already.
Jenny brought me a pack of cigs and the paperwork I'd asked for. It was just like I'd thought.
"This team is a few cards shy of a deck, if you catch my meaning."
She looked confused.
"The team blows harder than a Pidgey's Gust," I said. "There's no heavy-hitter. Someone swiped this kid's pride-and-joy."
Jenny grabbed her radio and told dispatch that we were looking at a kidnapping and a murder.
While the box chirped and squawked, I looked at the printout. It didn't take much to see that the main types had a rep, all except for Electric.
"We're looking for something shocking, babydoll," I said as my tail stretched and sparked up a smoke. "Probably something common that has something extraordinary. A mouse with moxie."
"That's awfully specific, Charlie," Jenny said.
"I'd heard of a kid about his age. He'd been working hard to prove himself in Kanto. Had a Pikachu that everyone was Electabuzz about. I think that's what we're looking at."
"Ash Ketchum? The kid who made Team Rocket look bad?"
"Yep, and it looks like we got ourselves a suspect and a motive, don't we?"
Jenny put out the call for our suspects and I snuck out the door. Don't want my girl to worry.
I knew where to find one of their former flunkies. Just a little pussy named "Meowth" who liked to hang around a club called "Nidoqueen-Sized."
The place was a mess, but it had a charm to it. Lots a bigger beauties danced there and Meowth always said he liked the company.
As I rounded the corner, I saw some shadow slip down an alley. I got a feeling in the pit of my gut like someone had hydro-pumped my insides into my throat. This was gonna get fuzzy.
A deep breath was all I needed to get the party rolling. I didn't get that chance.
In a flash, a damn viper of a fella had wrapped himself around me.
"You're a curious little lizard, aren't you?" the slimy sucker said.
"Just doing a job. No different from you, buddy," I managed to say.
"Well, unlike you, I will be collecting my paycheck, Charlie."
"Disappointing people isn't my strong suit, but I'll try for you, pal."
I tightened my little orange bicep and flicked out a claw. With a slow, deliberate cut, I split the guy. He yelped, I caught my breath, took aim, and blasted him into a charred piece of rope. Seemed like a good time for a cigarette.
I opened my coat and pulled out my pack with one hand and picked up the wallet he'd dropped with my other.
"Ekans, huh? Not a name I'm familiar with, but I never met a poison-type that didn't work for the Rockets."
The cherry from my smoke helped me see my way out of the alley and back onto the main stretch. Meowth was a pussy, but he'd screwed the Poochyena on this one. I don't like hit-attempts.
The bouncer from Nidoqueen-Sized let me in when I flashed my badge. He told me Meowth liked to gamble in the back. That damn "Pay Day" technique of his was making the club's owner uneasy, so they welcomed the legal presence.
I found Meowth sitting in a booth with a few ladies.
"So I tells the cop, I tells him, you want ta arrest me in my birtday suit? You're far from the cat's pajamas, mister."
The dames laughed, but I could tell they were more excited about the money he was throwing at them than they were about his damned puns.
"That's a pretty good one, Meowth," I said. "That's not how I remember it, though."
"Ch-Charlie?" he said as he stuttered and stammered. "I'd heard you'd quit the force!"
"A little fella asked me to come look into some things for him," I said, snapping back. "Where's Jessie and James?"
"I haven't seen them in weeks! I swear to Arceus!"
I had no idea Meowth was religious and I wasn't about to believe that he'd found the good word.
"Well, when you meet him, you can tell him that you're a cat of your word."
My suspect jumped up to run and I knocked him back into his seat with a well-aimed Dynamic Punch.
The girls excused themselves and I grabbed Meowth. It was hard to keep from pulling his head off. Thoughts of the kid flashed into my mind and I hit him again. I waited to hear his neck break, but instead he cried, just like he always did.
"They're in Celadon City!" the cat screamed. "They're in Celadon City!"
I threw Meowth in cuffs and drug him all the way back to the station. He begged and pleaded, but I just whistled an old jazz tune from the radio.
Jenny filled-out the paperwork to have the pussycat put away and I tipped my hat to the squad room. I was a Charmander on a mission, and sleep was for the dead.
Retirement was a thought I entertained on the train as the countryside zipped by, but I just smiled. I'm not the type to take a pension and a party. If I'm gonna quit, I'm gonna quit breathin' too.
The train pulled into the station and the local chief grabbed me. Not the welcome I was expecting, but you don't get a lot of welcomes when you're leaving your old stomping grounds.
"Manda, we've got a situation," the chief said. "Two members of Team Rocket, likely the Jessie and James you've been looking for, are holding a Pikachu hostage in a local restaurant. They asked for you."
As they rushed me to the restaurant, I played it all out in my head. Secure the door, sweep the room, start talking, save the day, kiss the girl. Easy stuff.
The SWAT team opened the door and ushered me inside.
"Is that Manda?" James shouted. "It better be Manda!"
"Don't worry, son," I told him. "It's me. It's been awhile, you two."
"Not long enough," Jessie chimed back. "This wasn't supposed to happen like this. The kid fought for the rat! We just wanted to scare him, not hurt him!"
"I know, I know," I said. "Things have gotten out of hand, and no one else needs hurt. Just give me your guns and things will be fine."
Jessie slid her gun over and dropped to the floor, wailing like a ghost and weeping like the rain. I waited for James to do the same.
"What are you doing, Jessie?" He said as he visibly panicked. "We said we'd fight. Don't do this!"
I made my way over to James while he was distracted and put my hand on his leg.
"It's okay, James," I told him. "It's gonna be okay."
"I'm not going to jail!" he screamed and whipped towards me.
I honestly expected the gun to be pointed at him. I've seen quite a few perps take themselves out. I didn't expect to be staring down the barrel of a 9mm.
I didn't get to say a word. No prayers to Arceus. Ma would have liked it if I had.
No, I just took the bullet to the chest and slumped onto my back.
"Son of a bitch," I said.
My coat fell open and my pack of Weezings fell next to my hip. I grabbed one and managed to get it into my mouth.
As my tail's flame started to snuff out, I knew I was next.
And here they say that it's smoking that kills. Those people have clearly never been shot in the chest.