"Leave us!"
Arthur whirled, turning his back on Mordred to glare daggers at Merlin.
"Yes, sire," Merlin said meekly, feeling the tears well in his eyes. As he closed the door behind him, images whirled through his mind - Arthur glowing after sparring with Mordred, Arthur's gentle touch on the knight's forearm, Arthur picking the bloody man up and twirling him around.
Doubt niggled at him. Had Mordred usurped his place in the king's heart? Merlin's fingertips ached and he realized he'd been dragging them along the rough wall.
He could no longer hold back the tears; they flowed freely, but didn't lessen the ache in his heart. In fact, his heart felt leaden now. Too heavy to continue bearing through the corridors of the castle. He slumped there in the hallway, head on his knees.
"Merlin!"
The call pierced through his consciousness. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and searched for the source of the voice.
Arthur.
Merlin had thought his heart could not feel any heavier. He was wrong. Nearly every fiber in his body wanted to die now, but there was one spark that would not give up. He held his head up, unknowing. He imagined himself made of metal. Solid. Firm. He would not let Arthur see the effect he'd had on him. He braced himself and stood.
"Sire."
"Ah, there you are." Arthur looked at him, then took a step back. "Well, you look a right mess. What's got you so down?"
Merlin sniffled, unsure what he should say, but buoyed by Arthur's interest in his well being. Then Arthur chucked him on the shoulder.
"Ow, what's that for? Oh, right, you think it's comforting, or some such nonsense." He hugged his elbows, waiting for the pain in his arm to subside while trying to pay attention to what Arthur was saying.
"Merlin, I am sorry that I sent you away so abruptly, but I needed to talk to Mordred alone. I hope you can understand that."
Merlin nodded and hoped he didn't come across like the morose teen he was feeling.
Arthur gently took his shoulders now.
"Merlin, look at me."
Merlin looked into Arthur's blue eyes, unsure what he would find, but hoping it would save him.
"I needed to talk to Mordred because he was raised with the Druids. I have been thinking about our visit to the Disir and what it meant that they spared him even though we hadn't expected them to."
Arthur closed his eyes, gathered himself, and continued.
"I think we made a mistake, Merlin. The Disir are right. I have done much to bring peace to the realm, but I have not done enough. In order to right the wrongs of my father, I must accept the old ways. It is not a question of choice, really. The Old Religion is the air we breathe. How have I lived so long and not seen that?" Arthur shook his head. "My father blinded me to the reality of the world, Merlin. I will not be fettered by him any longer."
Merlin gasped. Arthur quelled his urge to talk with a look.
"When you asked me if I couldn't feel the life in the glade outside the Disir's cave, I told you the truth, but it got me wondering why you were asking the question and why I couldn't sense it."
Merlin nodded, keeping up with Arthur's train of thought, his heart finally lifting.
"I had to talk to Mordred alone. I didn't want you to influence him, even with your presence. I know that he was brought up with magic and the Old Religion. I wondered if what you felt was peculiar to you or something further. I had asked all the knights. Mordred was the last. You only happened to catch me with Mordred."
Merlin quirked his eyebrow up at that and waited for Arthur to continue, curious to know if he'd be found out. His heart hammered in his chest.
Arthur slid his arms down Merlin's arms, catching his hands in his own.
"Merlin, I know..."
Merlin closed his eyes. He thought time had stopped. His heart had certainly stopped. Maybe the world was ending. But wait, Arthur was still talking in a calm, gentle voice.
".. that only sorcerers can sense that vivid feeling of life you described in the forest. Only those who have a connection to the vitality of the universe sense the vibrations of even the smallest creature in the forest."
Arthur tugged Merlin's hands to him, wrapping them around his waist. He put his arms around Merlin, gentling his head onto his shoulder. Merlin allowed himself to be comforted, slowly starting to hope that his world hadn't just ended.
Arthur whispered hoarsely, "Why? Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Arthur's tears wet his cheek; Merlin felt as though it were a healing balm. His soul felt a little less raw. He pulled back to look at Arthur.
"I was too afraid."
"Didn't I overhear you once saying that the half cannot truly hate that which makes it whole?"
Merlin smiled; his heart felt so light, he thought he might float away. He nodded, too overcome to utter anything.
"Come, let us be more than the sum of our parts. We will sort out the details in the morning, after we've all slept."
Merlin walked arm in arm with Arthur, towards his chambers, feeling a bit dazed. His world had been turned upside down, and yet nothing had changed. Arthur still needed him, even better, wanted him to be part of his life. Merlin thought the next morning would be a joyful dawn indeed.