Sakura hirahira maiorite ochite
(The Cherry Blossoms Fell, Fluttering Down)
I'm doing okay.
The trees are beautiful this year; full of promise for a fresh start and the certainty of a bright beginning. I still have my little habit of holding my hands in the air trying to catch the gracefully falling paddles. The scent of the blooming cherry trees brought such warm nostalgia; I welcomed it openly. It brought me back to the warm spring nights of when our love was such an untamed fire. I found myself in our special place again this year. I know I swore that night that I wouldn't hold on to such silly things, but I just couldn't help it. Just the thought of the romantic evenings we've spent here made it worth the trip down memory lane. Honestly, I enjoy my trips down memory lane, you might call it holding on to lost hope. I know it's a fruitless hope, I guess I'm still the childish school girl you remember.
I see the couples walking hand in hand a lot these days, I guess I just miss that. It's hard to watch them walking under the fluttering cherry blossoms as we once did. Sometimes I'll just stand there under the street lights with my eyes closed praying. Praying for the pain to subside and to be able to make it on my own again. I'm strong enough to get through these days without you, I know so because you told me I would, and I still trust every word you've ever spoken to me. It was you who made me see myself in a new light. You were the one who gave me my confidence and taught me not to go down without a fight. I was so shy then; when you would stand up for me, being as loud and out spoken as ever. When you asked if I was okay I could only stammer incoherent words blushing profoundly at the floor. You would just chuckle and tease me for it, but second I would left my eyes to yours I could really tell you cared behind your teasing. I'll never forget the big goofy grin you gave me that day. I now see those days are now long gone, and I too have to grow up and move on. I guess I'm still the helpless schoolgirl you've tried to forget.
When I'm on the bus I always see the bridge we crossed the night you confessed your affections for me. The stars reflected back at us from the water of the soft river flowing beneath us. I couldn't raise my eyes off the flowing water as you spoke, but I know not once did your eyes look away from me. I know this because secretly I was watching you in the water and not the twinkling stars. I saw such tenderness in your eyes as you placed your hand under my chin tilting my head to face yours. I saw it all in that moment our gazes met and I hope you read in mine that I really did love you. No, I'm sure you did cause only a few seconds later you brought your lips tenderly to mine for a swift magical moment were my whole soul was craving for it to last. I remember the dull blush on your cheeks as I brought my fingers to my lips before smiling my warmest smile. I giggle every time I think about how you simply said "Well that was a bit unexpected." gracing me with a sly side smile I learned to adore. Well I still end up sitting on the bank of that river letting that day play over and over. I guess I'm still sentimental schoolgirl you once loved.
Soon enough our own fairytale was shattered. It was also spring that night. I know you remember it just as well as I do. I still feel the burning of loneliness and panic I felt that night. It was in this very spot. The tree was in full bloom, the paddles embraced every bit of our fluttering love. Even now, I sit here dreaming the dream I prayed for, just to have a spring with you. Wish that I was able to do everything, anything to keep you beside me for eternity. I knew that day, when you showed up at my door step with that sombre look in your eyes something was about to change. Looking back even now that I know it was for the better; I still can't feel as if it was for the best, for us both. I guess you can still call me the selfish schoolgirl you once knew.
The start of my letter for you starts with "I'm doing okay." You'll see through that lie won't you? Does my face the day of your departure still haunt you're pleasant dreams, as yours does mine? I still don't know why I chased that train until I reached the end of the platform watching the falling cherry blossoms in the window. All I know is that I saw in your eyes the same thing that was in mine. Pain, panic, and hope. Yes, we were both hoping for each other's futures to be bright ones. I truly hope you get everything out of life you wanted even if I'm not the one to stand beside you cheering you along every step of the way. I guess I'm still the shamelessly in love schoolgirl from your past.
Tomorrow I will walking into the fresh spring morning, watching the cherry blossoms dance and fluttering disappearing into the dawn. I will clutch the dream I promised you that spring day; strongly to my chest so I will never forget the sweet promises of unspoken words between us. I'll accept we went our separate ways and it brought our beautiful spring to an end. I see now my future is in full bloom, but it fills me with panic. Once again the cherry blossoms are reflected the trains windows. I will always in my heart hear your voice.