My family are noticing the changes that are occurring to me. They do not know what the exact problem is, and I pray that they never find out, but my behavior is not going unnoticed.

Training is growing more difficult. I can't help but stare at him as he performs katas. I know we are supposed to be paying attention, but I do not think the emotions he makes me feel are... right. There is something darker than me simply envying how his muscles ripple as he moves fluidly from one kata to another. I have never been a fan of overly big muscles, but he has a nice balance. A beautiful balance.

Then there has been meditation. Recently, I have struggled to empty my mind. Dirty thoughts seep in whenever my guard is lowered, and it hasn't gone unnoticed by my father. Most of the time, he keeps his distance, but there are times when he takes me to one side and asks if I have a stomach ache. What am I supposed to tell him? That I want to have sex with a member of my family? Someone who I have known for as long as I can remember? Someone who I doubt would harbor the same feelings as I?

The same lies come out of my mouth and I wonder whether he knows I'm lying when I say everything is all right. He must do. He doesn't pursue things further. Perhaps he thinks I am going through a phase.

I hope it is a phase. What if whatever I am feeling is more than curiosity? More than lust? Would I be dishonoring our clan? Would I have to leave my family for the shame I would bring upon them? Such thoughts keep me from opening up and showing my true emotions. I have become more reserved than usual, but I cannot be permanently withdrawn in case my family realize what is on my mind. Full participation of family activities is necessary, which simply deepens the problem.

He's everywhere. He sits next to me at meal-times, his elbow brushing against mine as he picks up and puts down his cutlery. Even when he is not with me physically, he is there when my eyes are closed. His gentle smile, drenching me like a cold shower. His eyes, so full of emotion and life. Some people act like there is a large age gap between us, but there isn't.

I sometimes have dreams about him, where he waits until everyone is gone before capturing my mouth with his. I can feel his hands on my skin, crawling across my thighs; his wet tongue trailing down my throat; his breath tickling and stealing moans out of my throat, and then I wake up tingling.

And I want more.

April suggested I write my feelings down, which I've done, but it looks even worse spelled out in black and white. Like there is something wrong with me. Something wrong with my mind. To be honest, I think there is something very, very wrong with me.

I've been skirting around the issue, even with myself.

I am in love with my own father.