It has been many months now, but he still has difficulty sleeping. He believes that I am unaware of it, but he will eventually learn that as his queen, it is my duty to know everything about him.

I, for example, am aware that he immediately broke off his relationship with her after the Landsmeet. It was his duty as the new king and my husband-to-be, and she seemed to have successfully convinced him to fulfill it despite his initial misgivings. It was just as well, since shehad promised me that she would have nothing to do with him after I agreed to wed him.

I must admit that she has earned my respect. She willingly sacrificed her love for him to ensure that Ferelden had both a king and queen, and she sacrificed her own life to save us all.

And yet… I believe that I am jealous of her.

Let me make something clear: I do not love him as I loved Cailan. I believe I will never love anyone as I loved Cailan ever again. But it is still painful to know that my new husband's heart lies elsewhere, despite what hedesperately wants me to believe.

He rarely even mentions her, these days, but I know what he feels.

I would hear him murmuring to himself by the fire in our bed chamber, late at night, when he believes that I am asleep. "I should have stopped her," he would say. Then he would argue with himself, trying to convince himself that shewanted him to live, and that she would never forgive him for acting like a child after all they did to secure his throne.

And then an awful silence would follow – occasionally punctuated by the sounds of quiet sobbing.

I warned her. This is not what he wanted. I knew this, and this was one of my reasons for not wanting her to convince him to marry me. Of course I would have preferred that I run Ferelden on my own – I am perfectly capable of doing so, after all – but I also saw how much they cared for one another. I saw the way he looked at her with such devotion that put even Andraste's devotion to the Maker to shame.

After observing him these past months, I know full well that he will never gaze upon another woman in that fashion – not even his own wife.

I must commend him for acting strong throughout the entire ordeal: from his reasonable breaking off with her, to the formal words they exchanged before heading into Denerim that fateful day, to the speech we both gave at her funeral. Though no one else could see through him, there was nothing he could do to hide his true feelings from me. That pain of losing your other half, compounded with the burden of having to put on an act to save face…it is the same as what I've had to endure every single day since Cailan died.

I have learned, however, to hide the pain extremely well. I have also learned that it is never ever wise to let one's emotions loose while someone else is in the room, regardless of the state of their consciousness. Keeping it all inside, however, will most likely drive us insane. I suppose I will have to tolerate his way of releasing the agony, at least until such a time when he finds a more private way of doing so.

As for me… writing my thoughts down always does the trick. I will, however, take these pages that I have written on and throw them into the fire, as I always have.

My new husband shall never know of my true feelings, no matter how much he reminds me of Cailan. This is something I cannot risk, especially since he cannot reign in his emotions. He will learn to do so in time, but for now, I will have to set an example.

And, with both he and I having our hearts torn out from our chests to lay to rest at the Maker's side, I fear we will never produce an heir.