He wants her more than he's ever wanted anything. Needs her in a way that makes it
hard to breathe. Thinks it would be much easier to slowly suffocate...feels like he is
anyway. Why can't it be simple for once. It used to be very simple with women, always
had been. Short and sweet, in and out before anyone gets hurt...before he hurts anyone.
He doesn't need complications, just wants a relatively simple life, it's what he's always
wanted, always strived for. Work, food, friends, and uncomplicated sex. At least that's
what he used to want, before her, before Andy McNally complicated the hell out of his life.
His life... His whole fucking complicated life. He's always felt helpless is the thing. Which
in turns makes him feel guilty, which leads to feeling worthless. (And people wonder why
he likes to pretend he doesn't feel anything). He couldn't protect his sister from
strangers, couldn't protect his mother from his father, couldn't even protect his self. He's
never been able to be there for the people he loves, the ones he was responsible for, no
matter how much he wants to, no matter how hard he's tried. He lets them get
hurt...hurts them...they're better off without him. Everyone is better off without him, a
mantra he's been quoting his whole fucking complicated life. Now more than ever.
It's his fault, what happened to his sister (something he's never admitted aloud, just
repeats over and over to himself). He was nine when it happened and pretty mischievous
even for a nine year old. When he was seven he watched an episode of Charley's angels
where there was a cat burglar. Decided then and there that would be a cool thing to be,
liked the name...cat burglar. But apparently he didn't pay close attention to the show, just
the scaling of fences and creeping into houses, real stealth like. He missed the part where
you don't take actual cats. Found out the hard way when his dad came home one evening
and wanted to know where all the fucking cats in the shed came from!? He learned real
quick like that being a cat burglar and the taking of cats in particular, no matter how
stealth you were, was frowned upon. Thought he was pretty lucky really to end up with
just a bloody lip from the back of his dad's hand. Had seen much worse at seven, mostly
inflicted onto his mom.
The point being he wasn't left alone to his own devices too much. Which is why his mom
told Sarah to cut through the park, more people that way, better than the desolated alleys
where little girls could get hurt. Neither realizing that people in the park at night may not
be much better than a deserted alley. Turns out it was much much worse.
His mother had changed through the years. He could only vaguely remember her smiling
and laughing when he was very young, before his father got out of jail. Sure things were
hard, his mom worked two jobs to provide the barest of essentials for him and Sarah. But
they were happy, content, and secure with each other. He never doubted his mothers love
when he was young, before he was five, before his father got out.
The excitement of having a dad like all the other boys wore offer pretty quick, like say the
first night, when his dad beat his mother to within an inch of her life, just to let her know
he was in fact back and in charge, as if there was ever a question. Things got steadily
worse and his mother grew more and more quite. He knew she still loved them, she
apologized all the time for his fathers' behavior, she just stopped being happy is all. He
thought things were as bad as they could get, but as usual, he hadn't a clue.
After what happened to Sarah (rape is not a word that was ever used, a word he still has
trouble getting out) his mother shut down. Like completely checked out...lights are on but
nobody's home. She did what she had to, they had food to eat and clean clothes most the
time, but that's it. Didn't talk, didn't cry, certainly never laughed again. She just left in
every sense of the word except the literal one. Soon she stopped with the food and
clothes, wouldn't even come out of her room. To say she felt responsible for the utter
demise of her family was an understatement. Something sam would realize years later.
If his mother was bad off, Sarah was far worse. She never spoke, always had a far away,
blank look in her eye. She was terrified of everyone and everything. Sam tried his hardest
to make her happy again. He even bought a joke book (sold his lunch everyday for a solid
week just to get the money) memorized every damn lame joke in the thing to try and get
a laugh, she never even cracked a smile.
He didn't understand what happened to her, all he knew were the few words he overheard
from the doctor...boys, assault, shock. They all seemed real embarrassed by whatever it
was. No one made eye contact, not the doctor, nurses, or even his parents. Everyone kept
a steady gaze on their shoes the entire time the doctor spoke.
He loved his sister and not just because he was pretty sure she was all he had left. Which
is why he worked out a deal with God. He remembers very clearly their arrangement. If
God would just make Sarah better, let her be happy the rest of her life, he would spend
the rest of his protecting her and others like her. Which is how he became a cop. The
simple reason being... atonement. He would spend his life atoning for past sins (failures),
after all isn't there something about the sins of the father...needless to say he had a lot to
atone for. For instance...his whole fucking complicated life.